Wedding conundrum

[Queen Mum Inks.LWC]

So I'm looking for some advice here, and I made this a general topic as opposed to a poll because I'm more interested in the "why" rather than pure numbers.

Years ago, my best friend dated one of my other friends; I was the one who got them dating (although they were acquaintances through politics prior to this). They had a very nasty break-up after he was medically discharged from basic training due to an injury sustained there; the breakup and discharge led to his depression significantly worsening

I wish to invite both of them to my wedding. The best friend is my best man. Due to my wanting to avoid conflict and ability to put my foot in my mouth (which you and I are all well aware of--the same flaw led to my resignation as a moderator... Yes, I resigned), I screwed up and informed my best friend of my desire to invite his ex. At this point , I am of the opinion that I should have never said anything to him at all regarding the issue , so bringing that up that error will not be helpful.

Anyway, my best friend has indicated that he and his fiancé will not attend if I invite his ex. Through diacussuions with him, it appears that the objection is mainly coming from his fiancé (for unknown reasons... I really don't know why she would/should care if his ex is there),  his part of the objection is due to his uncomfortability around his ex.  My thought is that the wedding will have 250+ people there. He and his ex honestly likely won't even bump into each other. The only reason he knows ahead of time that she would be there is because I was trying to avoid conflict and ended up putting my foot in my mouth.

So the point I'm at is deciding between inviting her and risking him not coming to the wedding (meaning I'm losing my best man and risking my friendship with my best friend) or not inviting a good friend in order to avoid sacerificing another friendship. The third option I came up with is to ask her if she is even available the date of the wedding... If she can't come, I could just avoid the conflict by finding that out before, but does this option have any downsides I'm not realizing?

So, any input would be greatly appreciated.

[Vosem]

I am 18 and perhaps not the greatest person to give you advice here, but it seems to me that if someone is your very best friend and they are insistent on a certain person not going to your wedding for them to attend, I would accede to their wishes. Things can later be smoothed out with your other friend without the risk of you losing what seems to be a much more significant friendship.

[Filuwaúrdjan]

Simple solution to this problem: invite both of them and assure each that the other is DEFINITELY not coming.

[Bacon King]

Simple solution to this problem: invite both of them and assure each that the other is DEFINITELY not coming.

This - even if they do run into each other at the wedding (and they probably won't even notice or recognize each other) it will be too late for either of them to complain about it anyway

[Ban my account ffs!]

You have two options:

1.  Dis-invite the ex.

2.  Be firm and unyielding.  Tell your best friend this is YOUR wedding and that he's putting you in a lose-lose situation.  If he wants to end the friendship and ditch you at your wedding over that, then that's on him and it's a really crappy thing to do.  In any case, you will not let others use your wedding as a platform to demand you to prove your loyalty and commitment to anybody else but your fiance.

If you wanna turn it around and go the catty route and you're pretty sure it's his new girlfriend who has the problem... you can suggest the new girlfriend not come and put him in the same position you're in... picking and choosing.

[Queen Mum Inks.LWC]

I am 18 and perhaps not the greatest person to give you advice here, but it seems to me that if someone is your very best friend and they are insistent on a certain person not going to your wedding for them to attend, I would accede to their wishes. Things can later be smoothed out with your other friend without the risk of you losing what seems to be a much more significant friendship.

Interesting... that's the position I took initially, but of the 10+ people I've talked to looking for advice, you're the first person besides myself to take that position.

Simple solution to this problem: invite both of them and assure each that the other is DEFINITELY not coming.

Horrible idea. #1, the girl doesn't care if he's there. #2, and more importantly, if I lie, and he flips out, things could go horribly wrong. Lying to the guy with depression probably isn't the way to go, and while inviting her could leas to him not coming to the wedding, we would still be friends after. If I lied, I doubt he'd forgive that.

[World politics is up Schmitt creek]

I agree with Vosem (don't get to say that every day!).

[Queen Mum Inks.LWC]

I agree with Vosem (don't get to say that every day!).

So would you suggest I tell the friend why I'm not inviting her?

[World politics is up Schmitt creek]

I agree with Vosem (don't get to say that every day!).

So would you suggest I tell the friend why I'm not inviting her?

I'd need to have a better idea of her personality to know. I probably wouldn't tell her until after the fact, but I'm not always the best role model for these things.

[Queen Mum Inks.LWC]

It's probably worth mentioning that I've been invited to her wedding.

[Vosem]

It's probably worth mentioning that I've been invited to her wedding.

I would maybe "invite" her but cordially discourage her from coming (you could tell her the true story: the best man really doesn't want to see her there, and while you'd love for her to attend it would put a strain on your friendship, so she's invited if she insists on attending but you'd respectfully rather she not come), and give her some very, very nice gifts at her wedding (or before, honestly) to smooth it all over. I understand that you want to preserve your friendship with her, but it really seems like her attending your wedding is just asking for trouble.

I agree with Vosem (don't get to say that every day!).

It occurs to me that, since I voted for Kasich and you for Rubio, I have ended up to your left in a real-life election -- definitely not an everyday occurrence

[Badger]

It's probably worth mentioning that I've been invited to her wedding.

I would maybe "invite" her but cordially discourage her from coming (you could tell her the true story: the best man really doesn't want to see her there, and while you'd love for her to attend it would put a strain on your friendship, so she's invited if she insists on attending but you'd respectfully rather she not come), and give her some very, very nice gifts at her wedding (or before, honestly) to smooth it all over. I understand that you want to preserve your friendship with her, but it really seems like her attending your wedding is just asking for trouble.

I agree with Vosem (don't get to say that every day!).

It occurs to me that, since I voted for Kasich and you for Rubio, I have ended up to your left in a real-life election -- definitely not an everyday occurrence

vosem's right. don't play games. just be frank

[World politics is up Schmitt creek]

It's probably worth mentioning that I've been invited to her wedding.

I would maybe "invite" her but cordially discourage her from coming (you could tell her the true story: the best man really doesn't want to see her there, and while you'd love for her to attend it would put a strain on your friendship, so she's invited if she insists on attending but you'd respectfully rather she not come), and give her some very, very nice gifts at her wedding (or before, honestly) to smooth it all over. I understand that you want to preserve your friendship with her, but it really seems like her attending your wedding is just asking for trouble.

This is probably the best way to handle it, and is frankly much better than how I would probably behave.

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It occurs to me that, since I voted for Kasich and you for Rubio, I have ended up to your left in a real-life election -- definitely not an everyday occurrence
[/quote]

The crusade against Trump makes strange bedfellows. I expected Rubio to get second in Massachusetts.

[dead0man]

I'm with the "honesty" and the don't invite her but fully explain why camp.  And agree with Averroës that this really shouldn't be a hard choice.  One person is your best bud, that trumps nearly everything except spouse and offspring (and siblings and parents if you're into that kind of thing), doubly so if it's the best bud's ex.  Bro's before ho's is stupid and corny, but the sentiment is (generally) true.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

So I'm looking for some advice here

Run while you still can.

[dead0man]

So I'm looking for some advice here

Run while you still can.

also valid advice, but we don't expect you to take it, and nor should you.  Everybody needs to live it   If it doesn't kill you it will only make you stronger.

[beaver2.0]

As someone who has had seven marriages, which is the lucky number of Kolob, I would definately say that you shouldn't get married.  That way, you don;t have to invite anyone.  Like, you should definately consider becoming a Mormon, because honestly, thats what really put my life back on trak.  If you arent into polygamy, just get into polyamory, because you know what they say about that.  I am cool with only having one husband/wife/suitor, but I definately think that if you are really devoted, you get like six or seven husband/wife/suiter (Not to be confused with Zoot sooter).  Like I said, a 12 colony of Kobol themed wedding/birthday party is the way to go.  Get all the attendeeez to dress like Cylons and bam!  You've got a recipe for an action packed, ultra-fun fistpunching event of the milennium.  Hire out Frank Sinatra to sing just to make it even coller.  But all in all, I would say things have definately gone downhill since Citizens United......

[HagridOfTheDeep]

It's your wedding and someone is holding it hostage. Invite both. She invited you to her wedding, and she deserves the same from you, especially if you're friends. Tell your best friend to grow a pair and not turn your wedding into an over-dramatic sideshow. This wedding is about you, not him. And if he can't get over himself enough to come out and support you, then it's pretty clear what kind of friend he is. He's putting you in a horrible position.

I know this seems harsh, but no one should have to be forced into a dilemma like this over their own wedding, and your friends should be mature enough to understand. You'd pretty objectively be in the right if you did it this way, so I don't think your friend would be justified having sour grapes for long. I know emotions work a little bit differently than that, but if he's part of a friend circle with you and a bunch of others, the others will likely be on your side and convince him to be reasonable. Whether he comes or not may be another story, but I don't think he'd hold it over your head forever.

[Virginiá]

Anyway, my best friend has indicated that he and his fiancé will not attend if I invite his ex. Through diacussuions with him, it appears that the objection is mainly coming from his fiancé (for unknown reasons...

I really think you should ask your best man/best friend to get his fiancé on board. Think about it: What is really the big deal here? Just tell them to avoid her. How hard is that? It seems unfair to make you disinvite someone just because they may bump into that person. Like, come on, over 250 people? If he doesn't care as much as it's his fiancé, then this seems a little ridiculous.

However, if they won't budge, then I think you should ultimately not invite the ex. Yes, I think it's kind of petty for them, aka, your best man, to say they won't come if his ex happens to be 1 of 250+ people, but at the same time he should still get priority over that other person - Especially if he's your best man. You should let him know this is kind of ridiculous, though.

Also, one thing that might change all of this - Is his ex vindictive or a scene-maker? Because if she isn't, and is generally reserved/won't cause issues, then it shouldn't be a problem. If she is liable to do that, then just don't invite her.

[Queen Mum Inks.LWC]

Anyway, my best friend has indicated that he and his fiancé will not attend if I invite his ex. Through diacussuions with him, it appears that the objection is mainly coming from his fiancé (for unknown reasons...

I really think you should ask your best man/best friend to get his fiancé on board. Think about it: What is really the big deal here? Just tell them to avoid her. How hard is that? It seems unfair to make you disinvite someone just because they may bump into that person. Like, come on, over 250 people? If he doesn't care as much as it's his fiancé, then this seems a little ridiculous.

In theory, I agree with you, but I've come to realize that she's kinda crazy. And honestly, their relationship is probably not going to last. He went from wanting to break up, not knowing how to sit her down to do it, to proposing a couple months later. She's crazy clingy... She didn't hear from him for 4 hours and started freaking out. And I don't think it's ,y place to say anything, but this is just part of a larger problem.

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No. And if I told her not to talk to him at the wedding, I'm confident she would respect that.

[DC Al Fine]

It's probably worth mentioning that I've been invited to her wedding.

How big are your respective weddings? I'm inclined to agree with Vosem's take, and if her wedding is big while your's is a more intimate affair, you could not invite the other friend and save face pretty easily.

[Atlas Has Shrugged]

I'm with Snowguy: try and get your friend's fiance out of the picture and see where you can go from there. If he still objects, I'd take Vosem's advice into account.

[Leinad]

Am I the only one who first saw this as "wedding condom?" (Yeah, probably...)

I think Vosem's probably right--or at least I thought that, but now I kind of agree with Hagrid.

Try to find a way that's fair to both of them. Your best friend seems very petty (or, rather, his crazy fiancee does), while if your friend who's the other friend's ex is as level-headed and un-obtrusive as the main one, she's objectively in the not-wrong, so you should let her come to your wedding and say to friend 1 "hey, this is my wedding, and you can't hold us hostage." BUT, considering that he's your best friend...that makes it much harder.

Watching sitcoms for all these years teaches me that, while perhaps more entertaining, playing games just leads to more trouble (even though it will presumably be solved within 22 minutes).

[Queen Mum Inks.LWC]

It's probably worth mentioning that I've been invited to her wedding.

How big are your respective weddings? I'm inclined to agree with Vosem's take, and if her wedding is big while your's is a more intimate affair, you could not invite the other friend and save face pretty easily.

I'm not sure how big her wedding will be, but mine will be ~250.

[Figueira]

I'm with Hagrid, honestly. Also, congrats on your upcoming marriage.