A Man Called Da-Jon (Brand New Novel)

[IceSpear]

lmao, this story and entire thread is amazing. I'm dying laughing.

Does anyone else remember that time when OC made a totally cogent, rational, on topic post with perfect spelling and grammar? It's stuff like that which leads me to believe we're being trolled. But at the same time, it can't be. It would have to be the longest and most elaborate troll in existence.

Edit: Ugh, I just spent like 20 minutes digging for it, but it's impossible. Hopefully someone can back me up on this.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Yeah, this is supposed to be what I would have all said.

The polls have nothing to do with it. Obama's approvals are increasing despite bad economic news or a fragile recovery

And 3rd and 4th quarters of economic news will bound give him a lift.

I guess those stupid cops just misunderstood you

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

I guess the story is just a pretext for OC's hillarious reactions

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

New Crime Buster in Town

Atlas Town, once ravaged by criminals, is now taking back on them, thanks to an unlikely hero in person of Mr. OC, a mild-mannered professional poster who was discovered to posses an incredible ability to predict crimes before they are even committed.

Among those busted by OC are dangerous future rapist and Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley, potential close robber and New Hampshire Governor Maggie Hassan. There was some controversy regarding Hillary Clinton's arrest, since Mr. OC only predicted 3-4 pt indictment in Colorado, but Governor John Hickenlooper announced that "the great state of Colorado had no reasonable choice but to follow the inevitable".

Asked if his predictions may hurt the Democrats in general election, following Mrs. Clinton arrest, Mr. OC replied firmly "the 272 firewll holds". Who the hell are we do dispute that?


In other news, a 25-year old woman, identified as Melissa H., has been discovered dead this morning in some dark alley. The cause of death was determined as "second degree nailing". Police Sergeant Mr. Mr. Morden disclosed that a fatal nail was manufactured somewhere between Bavaria and Italy.

"This is a very dangerous stuff that cannot be obtained in America, unless you discount Oklahoma", he commented.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

GOP Concedes

Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince Priebus announced that the GOP is conceding the 2016 election in advance, because it's pointless to resist an inevitable 272 firewall.

"We're currently discussing whether to concede all presidential elections until the 272 firewall is no longer there or dissolve the party altogether. If Mr. OC says we should dissolve then who are we to discuss?", Mr. Priebus said.

The process of determining Democratic President-elect may take a little longer due to Mrs. Clinton being charged in Colorado and Bernie Sanders drooping out, after OC advised him he can't win.

"The next President of the United States will be determined by the DNC," Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada declared.

"I'm just glad the nightmare is over," Senator Marco Rubio of Florida said. "The election is over and I kept my honor."

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Mixson Selected President

Former Democratic Florida Governor Wayne Mixson has been selected by the Democratic National Committee as President-elect of the United States.

Mr. Mixson, who served for three days in 1987, will be the oldest President at 94, assuming, of course, he survives until January 20 next year.

A poll commissioned after the announcement, showed President-elect Mixson having 0.005% name recognition nationwide. The highest was recorded on the Atlas forum: a whooping 4%.

"Very impressive ranting for somebody who gave no indication of life since 1987," Chris Matthews of CNN commented.

Asked why Mr. Mixson was selected over such better known and more alive candidates, DNC Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz replied: "Well, since a 272 firewall is here to stay, we figured we can do something funny."

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

A clean, articulate Black man showed his guest a comfortable couch in the Oval Office.

"It was brought to my attention that you are an undisputed master of electoral predictions, as well as an highly accomplished crime fighter," the President of the United States said. "I'm particularly glad for nailing Grassley, since I'm physically unable to stand any Iowa Republicans."

"Its a six point race, I hope proscutors wins the primary," OC replied.

"Why thank you for agreeing with me," Obama said, pleased. "Now, I've summoned you here because I'm in a desperate need for good advice and you are the only person that can help me out. I have no idea what to do with Syria."

Our hero thought for a moment.

"This wasnt a year was Syria insiders and isis seemed like the reasonable alternernative to Jeb," he said then.

"Hm, I assume that 'Jeb' is some sort of an intelligent reference to Assad," the President said. "Is Isis is the reasonable alternative, and who am I to disagree with you, then what should I do to take Assad out?"

"OBAMA IS VETTING Assad to SCOTUS," OC suggested.

"This is brilliant, man! This way I can both get rid of Syrian regime and have a SCOTUS nominee as acceatable for the Republican Senators! OC, you're making me very happy."

"is gonna get comPetitive, too."

"Young man, would you like to be my next National Security Advisor? I really need someone who can come up with workable solutions."

OC though again.

"This is really Biden's call, not OBAMA, whO is friends with Reid," he said cautiously.

"You're right. I will ask Joe, but I'm sure he'll say 'yes'"

[SUSAN CRUSHBONE]

daesh does seem like a reasonable alternative to ¿jeb? yeah

[Antonio the Sixth]

This is fantastic! I can't wait to hear Real OC's thoughts.

A poll commissioned after the announcement, showed President-elect Mixson having 0.005% name recognition nationwide. The highest was recorded on the Atlas forum: a whooping 4%.

I'm in the 96%.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Chapter Three
Statesmanship


A reporter was looking straight into camera. "Good evening. We're at the White House, awaiting the very first press conference from President Obama's new NSA... here he is now."

"Mr. OC," came the first question once everyone settled down. "What are your views on international arms trade?"

"Remembering Columbine, Littleton, Colo & Trevon Martin FL," was the answer.

"Mr. OC," another question. "What is your take on the recent terrorist attack in Turkey?"

"OJ Simpson didnt do it."

"Mr. OC, are you going to keep yourself closely informed on diplomatic developments?"

"I go by LV polls: Gallup, Zogby, and Associated press Ipsos. Any other that uses variety like Knight Ridder, Mason Dixon, or Quinnepiac I forget about. Just like that Univ of Cincy poll had DeWine ahead by 10 and it was registered voters."

"Mr. OC, could you explain to us the balance of power in Syria?"

"Summary: Baath: 41%, Isis: 43%, Minnesota Independence Party: 0%."

"Sir, do you support futher enlargement of the NATO?"

"It is only for premium members, I am not a premium member."

"Care to comment on the Ukrainian situation, Mr. OC?"

"Rasmussen has Poroshnko up by two pts over Putin and Survey USA has PUtin up by double digits."

"So the situation is fluid?"

"You think I care what others think. We will see who will be ahead."

[The Other Castro]

Oh boy, it was a very bad idea to read this while eating.

[RFayette]

This is what's so awesome about OC. Most posters would either take offense to us making fun of his posting or try and make a change. OC just took it and ran with it, and it's funny as heck.

I'd be awfully surprised if OC actually understood this was a joke and that he was being made fun of.

[Amenhotep Bakari-Sellers]

lmao, this story and entire thread is amazing. I'm dying laughing.

Does anyone else remember that time when OC made a totally cogent, rational, on topic post with perfect spelling and grammar? It's stuff like that which leads me to believe we're being trolled. But at the same time, it can't be. It would have to be the longest and most elaborate troll in existence.

Edit: Ugh, I just spent like 20 minutes digging for it, but it's impossible. Hopefully someone can back me up on this.

I was using a regular phone instead of an android galaxy to type, naturally, the internet speed wasnt catching up fast enough to my post

[RFayette]

lmao, this story and entire thread is amazing. I'm dying laughing.

Does anyone else remember that time when OC made a totally cogent, rational, on topic post with perfect spelling and grammar? It's stuff like that which leads me to believe we're being trolled. But at the same time, it can't be. It would have to be the longest and most elaborate troll in existence.

Edit: Ugh, I just spent like 20 minutes digging for it, but it's impossible. Hopefully someone can back me up on this.

You do realize that makes absolutely no sense, right?
I was using a regular phone instead of an android galaxy to type, naturally, the internet speed wasnt catching up fast enough to my post

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Every soul in the White House Situation Room was tense with anticipation.

"All right, sir," the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs volunteered to break the silence. "Since the President is no longer bothering to attend these meetings, having you to take care on everything, here's a very important crisis on our hand. Lights please."

"Nobody knows how he looks. In fact, we have no record of any anyone interacting with him in person. He's using cryptic messages to communicate with his followers. Here, sir, you can see one such message."

Hi -
Still working out the bugs.  Colors are a challenge this year.  They may change as we move forward and things shake out a bit.

Enjoy,
Dave

Another member of the Joint Chiefs scratched his head and then voiced feelings of everyone in the room: "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"As you can see, Mr. OC," the Chairman resumed, "it's very mysterious, but we all know what 'we move forward and things shake out a bit' must mean. An immanent attack."

"This is real, sir," a CIA representative added.

"That Leip guy, if this is even his real name, is also a prolific online terrorists, screwing with the internet by uploading some very, very weird context. We know of at least four 4chan users whose heads literally exploded upon seeing one of these graphics."

 

"This is just vile," the Chief of the Naval Operations said. "I won't be able to get this out of my head."

"I think red may represent targeted areas," the CIA guy guessed.

"Anyway, we simply cannot risk by allowing that sicko to continue," the Chairman stated firmly. "Sir, what do you think about all this?"

OC was considering something very carefully.

"Its not an D state, its a white heavily white state," he stated.

"Yes, we all know it's Oklahoma."

"Lower amounts of uneducated teenagers will be killed, but college grads will be very energized escape."

"Oh God!" the Chairman moaned. "Given that Oklahoma is 99% uneducated, this is going to be a bloodbath!"

"Cook Cnty is defiantly gonna go hard for bombs."

"Sir, with all due respect, can we focus on saving Oklahoma? What are your instructions?"

"NV, is where Leip will make his stand, right now its inconclusive."

"So Oklahoma is not a main target?"

"Nevada remains a mystery."

"Maybe..." the CIA guy said cautiously, "we should take that Leip fellow out before it comes down to Nevada?"

"Thnk goodness, no Gov Rubio or Prez Rubio."

"What does a 'Rubio' means?" the Chairman asked.

"It must be Leip's real name," the Marine Corps Commandant guessed.

"Then droning it is, thank you, Mr. OC. Your wisdom may save Oklahoma yet."

"I am glad Rubio stock will go down," OC nodded.

***

A man in distress frantically dialed the 999 number.

"999, what's your emergency?"

"Hi," the man said nervously. "A drone is about to kill me,

Thanks,
Dave."

"Sir, are you sure it's a drone?" the operator asked with scepticism.

"Hi,

Would you please do something instead of f**king around when my life is in danger?

Thanks,
Dave."

"Sir, remain calm, we'll send an unit... hello? Hello?"

The line went dead.

[Antonio the Sixth]

What have you DONE!!! Poor Dave.

[Higgs]

The "Hi...

Thanks, Dave" part is killing me. Omg this is golden, please continue.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

"Yeah, and 3 Justice picks," OC answered the phone.

"Well, well," there was a sardonic voice at the other end. "You've made quite a career for yourself since we've last meet. You've destroyed an established political party, got Assad into the Supreme Court and killed an infamous terrorist."

"I was attacking Sabato not atlas," OC corrected. "I doubt this phone call is plausible."

"Anyway, this is Sergeant Mr. Morden. I called to inform you with great pleasure that a criminal charges were filled against you."

"This isnt gonna be a charge," OC disagreed.

"But it is. One Mr. IceSpear had just testified that you have killed the inevitable, whatever the hell that means."

"OC didnt do it".

"I want you to listen carefully," Mr. Morden said. "No matter what your epic accomplishments are, I will see that you'll burn for killing the inevitable... unless you will tell me right now all you know about Nicole Brown's real killer. Then I may talk to the DA."

"He had no path to win."

"You will regret this, OC. I swear you will if this is the last thing I ever do."

[Antonio the Sixth]

Gotta love Mr. Morden's Javert-like obsession.

[KingSweden]

This is awesome

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Mrs. Morden dropped her plate onto the floor.

"My God!" she gasped. "What on earth is that?"

Mr. Morden did not respond, as he was contemplating the wall, completely covered with every post OC ever made.

"There must be something in here that'll help me nail that son of a bitch," he muttered to himself.

"Darling, I'm worried about you."

"For the last time, you're not even my wife. You're just a banned sock account."

I will get him, even if I have to read every single post, he promised to himself.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

NSA OC's statement on the recent droning of suspected terrorist mastermind Leip:

I was attacking Sabato not Leip. I was using a regular phone instead of an android galaxy to type, naturally, the NSA team speed wasnt catching up fast enough to my post. Stop Drone violence and hate♡

[Antonio the Sixth]

NSA OC's statement on the recent droning of suspected terrorist mastermind Leip:

I was attacking Sabato not Leip. I was using a regular phone instead of an android galaxy to type, naturally, the NSA team speed wasnt catching up fast enough to my post. Stop Drone violence and hate♡

What a tragic mistake!

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Chapter Four
Les Misérables

A secretary flashed a professional smile. "How can I help you, sir?"

"I'm Sergeant Mr. Morden," a man said, showing her his badge.

"What can I do for you, Mr. Mr. Morden?"

"Please, Mr. Mr. Morden was my father. Just call me Mr. Morden. I have a warrant for arrest of one OC, alias Da-Jon or olawakandi, and previously claiming to be WEB DuBois. I think the last one occurred around 2009."

"But... why would you want to arrest Mr. OC?" the secretary asked with shock and disbelief. "He's an American hero."

Mr. Morden ignored the question as he unceremoniously pushed the down open.

"Mr. OC?" he asked strictly pro forma.

"Schumer is feeling confident about my identity in NH, OH, FL & AZ, this is probably why," OC confirmed.

"You are under arrest for murder on Mr. Inevitable, indentity thief on WEB DuBois and the obstruction of justice in case of OJ Simpson," Mr. Morden said with a great deal of satisfaction.

"Merrick and Secular majority can overturn Alito-Thomas-Roberts arrest of me," OC protested.

"I'll make sure you'll fry for all your evil deeds," Mr. Morden said, while handcuffing President Obama's National Security Advisor.

"Stop Handcuff violence and hate♡" OC managed to said before being led out of the room.

"You should've taken my deal when you had a chance."

[Leinad]

Ooh, how will our protagonist get out of this pickle? Will he use the 272 friewall?

And RIP FF Dave.