Jfern, TNVolunteer and IceSpear walk into a bar

[Thunderbird is the word]

what happens?

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

Jfern leaves to look for Landslide Lyndon because they complete each other.  TNVolunteer gets really drunk and confesses that he hates New Hampshire because a girl who was born there wouldn't go out with him.  No one cares, much to his surprise.  IceSpear confuses everyone in the bar by telling them that all he does with his free time is shill for Hillary Clinton on an internet forum.

[RaphaelDLG]

Just having woken up in a druggy, mid-afternoon daze, Jfern, TNVolunteer, and IceSpear walk downstairs to the bar at the Washington, DC Hilton, trying to piece together what happened last night. 

They were celebrating Beet's bachelor party and woke up with no recollection of the previous night's events and have lost track of Beet.

The bartender, who is Kevin Spacey, is very annoyed and can only recall that they trashed the place and that that they wouldn't shut up about New Hampshire.

The retrace their steps around DC on an action-packed adventure full of revelations and comic shenanigans, including:
- Jfern indignantly getting arrested for jaywalking near the capitol building and calling the cops racist corporate shills and proclaiming his strategy of civil disobedience while the other two have to wait hours to get him out, though on the bright side he gets his copy of "Democracy Matters" by Cornel West signed by the author whilst in jail
- TNVolunteer falling in love with an extremely mellow dopey cute stoner moderate Republican Kelly Ayotte voter who grew up in New Hampshire and now works as a server at a DC Ben and Jerry's and is aggressively/regularly hit on by DWPerry until TNVolunteer punches him out realizing that he wants to pursue a relationship with the ice cream scooper
- IceSpear getting snubbed by HRC for a handshake at a Hillary rally and having to come to terms with it and move on with his life as his own man by deciding to go into a career as a political strategist reaching out to rural Appalachian white males who have left the Democratic party to bring them back into the fold

Finally, just as Beet's somehow even more panicky fiance calls, our protagonists finish retracing their steps and recover Beet strapped to a mattress on the roof of the Washington Hilton ranting about how Hillary is probably going to blow it even though it's October and RCP has her up by +10.

[This account no longer in use.]

There are no winners.

[President of the great nation of 🏳️‍⚧️]

Prologue
Jfern, TN Volunteer, and IceSpear walk into a bar...
Part One: Feel the Fern
Chapter One: The Bet
Jfern ordered 20 shots, after losing a bet to IceSpear two years earlier.
"Dude, if Hillary Clinton doesn't win the nomination, I'll give you $100."
"And if she loses?"
"You have to drink 20 of the bar's hardest shots, walk up to Hillary Clinton, and try not to throw up on her."
"Deal."
Two years later, it was June 8, 2016. Hillary Clinton had just won New Jersey and California. Sanders had dropped out. Hillary was the presumptive nominee.
The bar was in Washington, D.C. and Hillary had a campaign stop there. Now was his chance to prove to TNV and IceSpear that he can handle his alcohol, even around Hillary Clinton.
Chapter Two: The Rally
TNV drove Jfern to the Clinton rally. And they heard her speak thus.
"Donald Trump's rhetoric is hurting our nation. America doesn't need to be made great again, it never stopped being great."
Jfern slurred, "Yeah, rihgt. [hic]"
TNV shouted "Clinton will win NH by bigger margins than D.C.!" as he pushed Jfern out of the car and stepped on it.
Jfern picked himself up, and staggered onto the stage.
"Alrihgt, this bish rihgt here is a corporate shlil. I'm trying not to throw up becasue i'M so durnk."
He turned around and failed his challenge.
Hillary turned around as Jfern passed out.
Chapter Three: The Hospital
It was June 9, 2016. Jfern had thrown up and passed out at a Hillary Clinton rally. IceSpear and TNV were there for him as he came to. Icespear jokingly said, "You lose."
Part Two: Tennessee Ayotte (ne Volunteer)
Chapter Four: The Drive
Back to June 8. Being the designated driver, TNV did not have anything. As Jfern decided it was time for him to go to Hillary and not throw up, TNV drove him there.
He kicked Jfern out and made a remark about how since women are running for office in New Hampshire, it's less competitive than Washington, D.C.. He drove away, breaking the speed limit.
Chapter Five: Say No To This, Ayotte
At a stop light, TN volunteer looked to the car on his left. "Is that Kelly Ayotte?" he whispered to himself. He honked his horn to get her attention.
"Jesus Christ, can you stop honking your h..."
She looked at him. TNV said, "If you give me $20, I'll leave you alone."
Kelly said, "Alright, fine."
"You're too kind, ma'am."
As it had turned out, they were staying at the same hotel. TNV noticed their rooms were next to each other.
"This one's mine, ma'am."
"Well thank you..."
"Tennessee. Tennessee Volunteer."
"Tennessee. I should head to my room now."
But TNV grabbed her arm, led her into his room, got on his bed, let his legs spread and said:
"Stay?"
"Hey."
"Hey."
And they totally did it.
Chapter Six: The Next Morning
June 9. Kelly and TNV were woken up by Maggie Hassan, who had come to D.C. for the Clinton rally and was in the room next to TNV.
"Kelly? Kelly? Weird, she isn't in her room."
Kelly shouted, as she put on her clothes, "I'll be right there, Maggie."
"Maggie?" TNV whispered to himself.
Just as she put on her shirt, Kelly opened the door.
"Kelly. Fancy running into you here."
TNV jumped out from under the sheets, weewee and all, shouting "Climbing Maggie! Die!"
He then grabbed Maggie by the neck, much to both women's horror.
"Tennessee, stop strangling her! She'll die!"
But this just made him grip harder.
As she died, TNV said, "We need to hide the body."
Chapter Seven: The Body
Kelly and TNV picked up Maggie's corpse, and put it in a bag.
"This was your idea, you know," Kelly remarked.
"Well, the two of us are gonna have to drive into the Potomac with her. We need to save ourselves. The big women are going to be angry," TNV claimed.
Then, his cell phone rang. "Yes? What happened to Jfern?" He put his phone down. "But first, I need to stop at the hospital."
After visiting Jfern, TNV was back at the wheel, and ready to drive into the Potomac. He went on to crash the car in the Washington monument. TNV died, and Kelly Ayotte was rendered innocent.
Part Three: I Don't Hate All West Virginians...
Chapter Eight: A Nice Man
June 8, 2016. With TNV and Jfern out of the bar, a man approached IceSpear.
"Hello, handsome. Wanna go on a date?"
"Okay, sure..." IceSpear said.
"Mike. Mike Grant."
"Oh, geez, I hope he isn't from West Virginia," IceSpear whispered to himself.
The date went well, but IceSpear got a call. Jfern was in the hospital.
Chapter Nine: The Engagement
After visiting Jfern in the hospital, Mike and IceSpear dated for two years before the former popped the question.
"Ian Claude Espear, will you marry me?"
"Yes, Mike, yes I will!" IceSpear exclaimed.
"Awesome! Can't wait 'till you meet the folks."
Chapter Ten: The Inlaws
The couple traveled through Pennsylvania into West Virginia. IceSpear was worried.
"My father gave me this piece of coal when I was three," Mike said as he gave IceSpear said piece of coal.
"Listen, Mike. It's over."
Mike up and had a heart attack while on the road. IceSpear barely took the wheel and him to the hospital. IceSpear had killed Mike because he was from West Virginia.
Fin

[RaphaelDLG]

Part Two: Tennessee Ayotte (ne Volunteer)
Chapter Four: The Drive
Back to June 8. Being the designated driver, TNV did not have anything. As Jfern decided it was time for him to go to Hillary and not throw up, TNV drove him there.
He kicked Jfern out and made a remark about how since women are running for office in New Hampshire, it's less competitive than Washington, D.C.. He drove away, breaking the speed limit.
Chapter Five: Say No To This, Ayotte
At a stop light, TN volunteer looked to the car on his left. "Is that Kelly Ayotte?" he whispered to himself. He honked his horn to get her attention.
"Jesus Christ, can you stop honking your h..."
She looked at him. TNV said, "If you give me $20, I'll leave you alone."
Kelly said, "Alright, fine."
"You're too kind, ma'am."
As it had turned out, they were staying at the same hotel. TNV noticed their rooms were next to each other.
"This one's mine, ma'am."
"Well thank you..."
"Tennessee. Tennessee Volunteer."
"Tennessee. I should head to my room now."
But TNV grabbed her arm, led her into his room, got on his bed, let his legs spread and said:
"Stay?"
"Hey."
"Hey."
And they totally did it.
Chapter Six: The Next Morning
June 9. Kelly and TNV were woken up by Maggie Hassan, who had come to D.C. for the Clinton rally and was in the room next to TNV.
"Kelly? Kelly? Weird, she isn't in her room."
Kelly shouted, as she put on her clothes, "I'll be right there, Maggie."
"Maggie?" TNV whispered to himself.
Just as she put on her shirt, Kelly opened the door.
"Kelly. Fancy running into you here."
TNV jumped out from under the sheets, weewee and all, shouting "Climbing Maggie! Die!"
He then grabbed Maggie by the neck, much to both women's horror.
"Tennessee, stop strangling her! She'll die!"
But this just made him grip harder.
As she died, TNV said, "We need to hide the body."
Chapter Seven: The Body
Kelly and TNV picked up Maggie's corpse, and put it in a bag.
"This was your idea, you know," Kelly remarked.
"Well, the two of us are gonna have to drive into the Potomac with her. We need to save ourselves. The big women are going to be angry," TNV claimed.
Then, his cell phone rang. "Yes? What happened to Jfern?" He put his phone down. "But first, I need to stop at the hospital."
After visiting Jfern, TNV was back at the wheel, and ready to drive into the Potomac. He went on to crash the car in the Washington monument. TNV died, and Kelly Ayotte was rendered innocent.

I started laughing f**king uncontrollably during the maggie hassan scene

ETA:  I also really appreciate the nonlinear tarantino parody.  Talent!

[IceSpear]

LOL, those stories are hilarious.

As thanks for making me laugh, I'll end this persona now.

[President of the great nation of 🏳️‍⚧️]

LOL, those stories are hilarious.

As thanks for making me laugh, I'll end this persona now.

On behalf of the entire Atlas, phew.

[Mr. Reactionary]

They all pull out their smartphones and post on Atlas.

[MT Treasurer]

Thanks for giving me nightmares.

[LLR]

This thread is beautiful

[Kingpoleon]

The bar is ran by a West Virginian, a New Hampshire angry woman, and Hillary Clinton. Three of the forementioned six end up dead.

Who are dead, and who killed whom?

[LLR]

The bar is ran by a West Virginian, a New Hampshire angry woman, and Hillary Clinton. Three of the forementioned six end up dead.

Who are dead, and who killed whom?

Hillary kills Jfern
Angry woman kills TNVol
WVian kills IceSpear

because they all post on an internet forum and thus have no fighting skills.

[President of the great nation of 🏳️‍⚧️]

I also really appreciate the nonlinear tarantino parody.  Talent!

The only parodies intended were of Hamilton (Chapter 5) and 3rd Rock from the Sun (TNV's "save ourselves" line in chapter 7)

[Wells]

The bar is ran by a West Virginian, a New Hampshire angry woman, and Hillary Clinton. Three of the aforementioned six end up dead.

Who are dead, and who killed whom?

Angry woman kills TNVolunteer because he's sexist, and she's angry.
Jfern kills Hillary Clinton because of his irrational hatred of her.
IceSpear kills Jfern because he killed Hillary Clinton.

[Kingpoleon]

The bar is ran by a West Virginian, a New Hampshire angry woman, and Hillary Clinton. Three of the aforementioned six end up dead.

Who are dead, and who killed whom?

Angry woman kills TNVolunteer because he's sexist, and she's angry.
Jfern kills Hillary Clinton because of his irrational hatred of her.
IceSpear kills Jfern because he killed Hillary Clinton.

Living:
Angry NH woman
IceSpear
West Virginia

Does not compute.