What a Joke! The 2017 NYC Mayoral Election

[Devout Centrist]

September 25th, 2017



(Meeting between President Hillary Clinton and Mayor Bill de Blasio)

Clinton: "Ok, Bill, congrats on winning your primary. No one even challenged for the nomination. You're not going to have any issue winning a second term. Take it from me, I know a sure bet when I see one. Now where's that poll you commissioned, Nate?"

Nate Silver, White House Intern: "Uh right here, Madame President."

Clinton: "We talked about this, it's Mistress, not Madame. Give me the poll and get back beneath the desk."

Silver: "Yes, Mistress..."


De Blasio: 99.99%
Chris Christie: .01%


Clinton: "See Bill, nothing to worry about."

De Blasio: "Thank you, Madame President. Honestly, I have no idea what I was worried about."

*Phone Rings*

Clinton: "Sorry, I have to take this, It's Huma. Hey, it's Hilldawg. What's shaking? But that's impossible the filing deadline passed...What the hell did you mean they abolished the filing deadline? Sh*t, I better tell him. Well, I got a bit of bad news, Bill. It looks like Chris Christie just declared his campaign for Mayor of New York."

De Blasio: "Well, at least I have some competition. Maybe he'll bring some krispy kreme when he concedes."

*Phone Rings*

Clinton: "What now? Hilldawg speaking, if you're asking about the whip, it should be next to the chains in the basement. Oh, sorry Julian. What, Cruz is running for NY mayor now too? Jeez oh man...What? No, Kasich's not running! I've just had a rough day. I've got some bad news Bill..."

De Blasio: C'mon, there's no way I'm losing to "New York Values" Ted Cruz."

*Phone Rings*

Clinton: "Son of a- What the hell do you want now, Kaine? I'm meeting with him right now! Wait, what?! Those are comic book characters, not real people! Uh, fine, I'll let him know." Bill, are you familiar with something called a Joker, a Batman, and a...Bane?"

De Blasio: "Are you referring to DC Comics?"

Clinton: I don't care what the hell they're called, apparently they're running against you as well...Dammit, Nate, go commission a new poll!"

Silver: *Hits head on desk* "Yes Mistress!"

Clinton: Well, I was wrong Bill, looks like you've got a lot of competitors to take on. The DCCC will give you as much as you need."

*Phone Rings*

Clinton: "Goddammit, someone wants to die today. Hilldawg's my name, campaignin's my game. What? Bill's running for governor of New York? That'll cost how much? Dammit. Okay, okay, I'll tell him. Bill, I've got some bad news. You're on your own. I wish you all the best, but it looks bad out there. Oh, and this guy called 'Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho' is also running for your chair too..."

De Blasio: "But the money! The fundraising! The free airfare!"

Clinton: "That's all going to hubby. Sorry about that."

Silver: *panting* "I've got that instant poll you asked for, Mistress!"

Clinton: "Good boy, now back under the desk. Uh oh...Bill, you're not going to like this."

The Joker: 10%
Dwayne Camacho: 10%
Chris Christie: 10%
Bane Capital: 10%
Batman: 10%
De Blasio: 10%
Undecided: 39.9%
Ted Cruz:.1%


What a Joke! The 2017 New York Mayoral Race

[LLR]

For obvious reasons, I'm interested in this. Hilarious, keep going!

[Devout Centrist]

September 25th, 2017



(Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho Declares his Candidacy)



*Cheering; sporadic gunfire*

Camacho: "Thank you, thank you all for coming to my announcement on account of my running for mayor of this city!"

*More cheering; sporadic acts of sexual intercourse*

Camacho: I know sh*t's bad right now, with all that homelessness crap and the trash everywhere. And the cost of a bag of Doritos is too damn high! Well I've got a solution! We've got this guy who calls himself Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho. He's going to fix everything in the first minute in office! He's going to make the city grow again! In fact...I GIVE YOU MY WORD! HE'S GOING TO FIX THE HOUSING SHORTAGE TOO! HE'S GOING TO CURE HIV! AND YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THIS?! THAT MAN, HAPPENS TO BE ME!"

*Cheering; sporadic fights break out*

Camacho: "You probably know me from professional artistic wrestling. Or from any of my nine adult films, all award winning. Or perhaps you remember me as the Artist Formely Known as Terry Crews. In any case, I am the best man for the job. Trust me. Would Mountain Dew ever sell you wrong? NO! Join me in unseating this pointy headed white guy and let's Make New York Orge Green Again!"

*Cheering; Crowd starts riot on 5th Avenue*

[Devout Centrist]

September 25th, 2017



(Ted Cruz Declares his Candidacy)

Cruz: "Wow! Look at that amazing crowd we've got here today!"

*crickets*

Cruz: "I know what some of you are thinking. 'Why is a guy who insulted our values running for mayor of our city?' Well, let me tell you. It's been a year since my wife Heidi decided to move in with Donald Trump. That was the toughest day of my life. It was in those formative moments after her loss that I realized something.  Firstly, I am ugly. Secondly, I am a queer. Like everyone in New York! So I quit my job as Senator and ran up here as soon as I could. You seen, I read about your idol, Karl Marx, and that man really spoke to me."

*crickets leave*

Cruz: "So comrades, let's abolish this imperialist, fascist, capitalist, Western corrupt patriarchy! Workers of the World, Unite!"

[LLR]

This is one of the best joke timelines yet. Keep going.

[Captain Chaos]

And here are the final election results.

Bugs Bunny (Elmer Fudd Party): 82%
Bill De Blasio (D-WFP): 11%
Chris Christie (R): 3%
Ed Koch's ghost (Supernatural Party): 2%
Ted Cruz (Marxist): 1%
Donald Trump (Make New York Great Again): 1%

[Devout Centrist]

September 25th, 2017



(Bane Capital Declares his Candidacy)

Capital: "Bankers, citizens of New York, esteemed hostages. You have been crammed into this auditorium against your will today in order to make a show of force to our enemy, this Bill De Blasio. This man sold your city down the river and forced me to come out of retirement to save this great city from its own demons. I may have ties to a nuclear plot to destroy New York, but even I'm not cold enough to sell your innocent kid's future away."

*crying; wailing; cries for mercy*

Heckler: "Please! Just let me go!"

Capital: "Exactly! Let us go from your reign of terror, Bill! Tonight, I make a bold commitment to the people of New York: I will wipe away the previous administration. And in its place a new society will arise. One where there shall be a new and improved reign of terror. One that will be unmatched in its brutality and cruelty. I shall remake New York in my image! Thank you! Now, I'm going to go and get some of that pity sex from a girl I saved from certain death years ago! Hopefully I can last more than a few seconds this time."

[Devout Centrist]

September...f**k what was the day again? Oh right, 25th, 2017



(Batman Declares his Candidacy)

*Silence; mumbling*

Alfred: "Erm, yes hi to all of you esteemed members of the press. Master Way-I mean, the vigilante known as Batman would like to notify you gathered here that he's running for mayor of Gotham. Any questions?"

Reporter: "Why won't the Batman announce his candidacy himself?"

Alfred: "Well I don't bloody well know the reason to that. Something about his identity or something or other. You can't possibly expect me to comment on a vigilante, can you?"

Reporter: "When will Batman release his tax returns?"

Alfred: "Batman can assure you he doesn't pay a dime in taxes as all of his assets are safely stored offshore in an account run by Capital and Brothers."

Reporter: "Didn't you just bury the lead?"

Alfred: "The f**k does that even mean? Do I look like a bloody journalist to you? No. It's none of my business what you in the press do, but g*ddamn you sleazy cheeky reporters."

Reporter: "Is Robin a top or bottom?"

Alfred: "They trade positions based on day of the week and whether or not Robin has got Posion Ivy or that Quinn girl with him.

Reporter: "What toys? Anal beads? Dildoes?"

Alfred: "Alright, I've about had enough, you go bugger off you c*nt. F**k this f**king f**ks."

[Devout Centrist]

Don't worry, they abolished the filing deadline, remember?

[Joe Biden is your president. Deal with it.]

September 25th, 2017



(Bane Capital Declares his Candidacy)

Capital: "Bankers, citizens of New York, esteemed hostages. You have been crammed into this auditorium against your will today in order to make a show of force to our enemy, this Bill De Blasio. This man sold your city down the river and forced me to come out of retirement to save this great city from its own demons. I may have ties to a nuclear plot to destroy New York, but even I'm not cold enough to sell your innocent kid's future away."

*crying; wailing; cries for mercy*

Heckler: "Please! Just let me go!"

Capital: "Exactly! Let us go from your reign of terror, Bill! Tonight, I make a bold commitment to the people of New York: I will wipe away the previous administration. And in its place a new society will arise. One where there shall be a new and improved reign of terror. One that will be unmatched in its brutality and cruelty. I shall remake New York in my image! Thank you! Now, I'm going to go and get some of that pity sex from a girl I saved from certain death years ago! Hopefully I can last more than a few seconds this time."

I read this in Bane's voice lol

[Devout Centrist]

September 27th, 2017



(Krispie Kreme joins the field of candidates)

Kreme: Hello New York City!

*Crowd boos loudly*

Kreme: "That's the Big Apple for ya! You're all douchebags just like me! Now listen, this whole New Jersey gig fell through for old Mr. Kreme, so I'm trying my luck in NYC! No primaries, no filing deadline...I figured 'what the f**k is Chris Christie gonna do now? Wash cars at Buggy Car Wash in Camden?' I could never do that! I'm an utterly terrible person with absolutely no skills!"

*Crowd chucks Molotov cocktails at the podium*

 
Kreme: "So I decided to run for Mayor in this absolute sh*tstain of a city! I'm the perfect Mayor for the entitled, narcissistic c*nts in this horrible, disgusting city. You want a fat f**k as your Mayor! Therefore, in accordance with legal filings in the state of New Jersey, I have officially renamed myself 'Krispie Kreme'. Like the sh**ty donuts! Just for you assholes in this wretched metropolis!"

*Angry Italian women storm the stage*

Kreme: "Sh*t, countryclasssfs' family is here. I gotta go you sh*tbags. Vote for the fattest f**k in the Tristate area, Krispie Kreme on November 7th. You won't regret it, you f**king idiots!"

[Devout Centrist]

Latest Polls:

Dwayne Camacho(Brawndo/Doritos Popular Front): 23%
Bane Capital(Wall Street Party): 22%
Batman(Vigilantes United): 21%
De Blasio(Democratic): 10%
Krispie Kreme(Asshole Alliance):10%
Undecided: 14%
Ted Cruz(Socialist? Transgender? Queer Muslim? Whatever appeals to you sick degenerates): 0%

BREAKING: Bane picks up huge endorsement from popular businessman Patrick Bateman!



(Pictured: Bateman chopping some wood at coworker Paul Allen's apartment)

With this endorsement and the sudden, unexplained death of Republican candidate Nicole Malliotakis at an ATM, the Republican Party endorses Bane Capital