Blue States

[I spent the winter writing songs about getting better]

My aunt sent this to me. Nice that we get a chain email now instead of the countless right wing ones!


Dear Red States: We're ticked off at the way you've treated
> California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own
> country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you
> aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota,
> Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this
> split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people
> of the new country of New California.

> To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
> We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

> We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

> We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

> We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

> We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

> We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
> get Alabama.

> We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
> pay their fair share.>

> Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
> Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
> bunch of single moms.

> Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-
> war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once.
> If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
> they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and
> they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets
> coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs
> turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's
> Quagmire.

> With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
> of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
> and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
> America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
> 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most
> of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the
> Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech
> and MIT.

> With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
> percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
> costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
> tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
> Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
> Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

> We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.


> Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
> actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
> unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
> that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved
> in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people
> with higher morals than we lefties.
 

> By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt
> weed they grow in Mexico.