I honestly thought this was true until reading the post. Good satire.
The Church does say masturbation is just as immoral as gay sex, or non-vaginal sex (even with a straight married couple), for this very reason.
I'll let TJ or somebody parse out the good points and bad points of this assertion.
The theology boils down to: all sexual acts must be "open to life."
I took Catholic theology for 4 years, and other religious studies classes in college.
What about sex with post-menopausal women?
The problem with this kind of argument is that pro lifers don't see the abortion argument in these terms. Nobody on the right is going "Yes crush women's rights woohoo", they see it as almost murder.
Vehement opposition to abortion is strongly correlated with wanting to control women on other levels. While the right tries to frame the abortion issue as the right to life of the fetus, given their lack of respect for other women's rights/human rights issues, it is likely that the right tries to hide their anti-woman desires, to claim to be pro-fetus rather than anti-woman.
