Atlas. The Story.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Atlas. The name on the street for the Atlasian Correctional Facility, Level 4.

More to come.


Yes, this story will feature OC.

[Mr. Morden]

Why don't you finish your other stories first? 

[Virginiá]

sits attentively and giggles

[Kamala]

I hope I make an appearance as Kamala Smith, a young prison doctor trying to have it all in the big city.

[JA]

sits attentively and giggles

Get a cell.

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

*grabs popcorn*

[President Punxsutawney Phil]

*grabs popcorn*

[The Other Castro]

boy he bout to do it

[Lachi]

Ooh, this looks interesting.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Three frightened new arrivals are being processed in the receive and discharge area.


Prisoner number 43P01, Sparky McGill. Convicted July 7, '17 - Two counts of sexual harassment, five counts of stalking. Sentence: 50 years, up for parole in 20 years.

Prisoner number 43P02, OC, AKA Cory Booker. Convicted July 5, '17 - Trespassing on the Neptune's property below Lake Michigan. Sentence: 7 years, up for parole in 4.

Prisoner number 43P03, Eharding, AKA Ossof2028. Convicted July 2, '17 - Three counts of impersonating the officer of the law. Third conviction. Sentence: Life imprisonment without the possibility of parole - three strikes, sucker!


Warden Leip is about to address his new guests. "Hi,

I don't have time to deal with you wastes of space. Just keep one in mind: unless you can draw nice maps in our factory you're screwed.

Thanks,
Dave."

The Warden walks away, allowing CO Virginia to address the unfortunate three.

"In Atlas you will follow the rules. There will be no trolling, no spamming, no copyright violations. Each one of you will have a sponsor, helping you to adjust. Any questions?" Sparky raised his hand. "Yes?"

"Hi, I would like to express my love to you and I'd like to know what I'd have to do have a chance to date you."

"Congratulations, you've just bought yourself two weeks in a hole. Take him away."

"Thank you for your consideration!" Sparky yelled insanely, as he was being dragged away.

"Any real questions?"

OC steps forward. "Am I the sole Donkey in the prison?"

"What?"

"Don't need it, This slammer will be more libertarian due to PR inmates."

"Heh... all right, here are your sponsors, who will also be your cellmates..."

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

They arrived at their destination, Unit B, just in time to witness a periodical shakedown conducted by the hacks.

"Well, well," an officer with dignified looks said, holding a full plastic evidence bag. "What's this?"

"Just a quote, man," the prisoner replied nervously.

"More than twenty percents constitutes copyright violation," the officer explained.

"Why does it even matter?"

"The warden was explicitly clear about no-drugs and no-copyright violation policies."

"Both sides do it."

"Take him to the hole."

"Damn you, Torie!" the prisoner yelled as he was being dragged away. "Why is Krazen never been sent to the hole?"

"Because I appreciate his contributions on political geography," the CO explained, then turned towards new prisoners. "Ah, welcome to Atlas, gentlemen. Remember, no matter how long your sentence is you're here forever." He paused to consult the papers. "OC, this is your new cellmate, Tender."

" He is one ally of Emeniem I wouldn't mind in the Senate that's a GOPer.  Go Kidd Rock, go," OC said politely.

"I run the Austrian Brotherhood here, prag," Tender informed. "Anything you got belongs to me now "

"There won't be another Corzine," OC protested.

"Move along, gentlemen," the senior CO ordered, then turned to the second newbie. "What do you want?"

"I am Eharding," Eharding said. "A very prominent, even if just recently incarcerated inmate. I want to protest against being guarded by Democratic COs, since Republicans won the election."

The officer ignored the prisoner's motion. "This is your cellmate, Zack."

"Do you agree Sneakers O'Toole is the single greatest piece of comedy ever?" was Zack's greeting.

"Oh f**k," Eharding replied. "Just execute me already."

[Virginiá]

lmbo

more plz

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Prisoner number 23E33, Tender Branson, AKA . Convicted June 7, '12 - Two counts of first degree nailing, five counts of unlawful imprisonment, three counts of expanding a basement without building permits. Sentence: 30 years, up for parole in 20.

"I run the Austrian Brotherhood ," Tender restated when they were back in his cell. "A non-racist, but anti-open door policy, conservagreen prison association. I will protect you from these "asylum seekers and I will personally initiate you to prison life, where I'm being held unjustly by a bunch of true leftist out to assassinate my character "

"We will see about 2018 has to say about it, AZ and NC are trending blue.," OC said sceptically.

"Not, no need delaying your initiation ," Tender said, pulling a rusty nail from beneath his bunk. "Now, I don't want you to get any ideas assassinating my character. I'm a womanizer, but there are no chicks here, so I have to practice for when I get out. You know, not to lose my game "

"No way Dems lose CT and VA," OC, pale with terror, protested.

""

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

Tender as a Vern Schillinger knock-off was hilarious.

[Badger]

lmbo

more plz

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

This morning Tender, the leader of Austrian Brotherhood and serial nailer, unjustly imprisoned by a circle of true leftists assassinating his character, was in a talkative mood, wanting to learn more about his new cellmate.

"Say, sweetpie," he said, "How come you insist on calling yourself Cory Booker?"

"It's called pen writing," OC, still recovering from the nailing Tender gave him last night, responded cautiously. "We don't mention everything specific about ourselves for privacy."

"Makes sense," Tender agreed. "Now, I'm off to my work detail. Have some nice privacy time."


Prisoner number 23F31, Zack Nelson, AKA BRTD. Convicted June 1, '09 - eight counts of indecent exposure. Five counts of reckless endangerment while busy playing Ingress. Two counts of crimes that look really minor next to that Ingress stuff. Sentence: 15 years, up for parole in 5.

"Did you find Jesus yet?" BRTD asked his cellmate.

"What?"

"I'm the boss of Christian inmates here. Real hipster christian inmates, not fake Papist Christian mind you," BRTD specified. "We're a thriving prison gang."

"Oh yes?" Eharding asked sceptically. "How many members do you have?"

"One," Zack said with pride. "But I can initiate you properly."

"If you want to violate me I'm ready to go down fighting."

"Uh, I'm very much into dominating, providing I'm being dominated by a hot woman, like Tulsi Gabbard. So you see I'm tolerant liberal, but totally straight. Atlas has a large gay population, though. I'm not one, but I'm very tolerant."

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Tough yet compassionate, Officer Virginia decided to check on OC, who wasn't leaving his cell.

"Yes, it's difficult to adjust here," she said. "Especially for an accomplished political theorist like you, being surrounded with mean Austrians and so on."

"Dems don't have to win House this year, so that burden is off of them now," OC sobbed, trying to make himself feel better.

"I'm going to give you a piece of advise, OK. Don't..."

"LOCKDOWN!"

Officer sighed. "Oh great, somebody's got whacked again."

***

The Warden was in no joking mood, as he spoke with a unit manager.

"Hi,

This is third whacking this month alone. People will stop donating to my prison because of NSFK content. Find the killer and bring me his balls.

Thanks,
Dave."

***

PiT, the prison's resident investigator had been conducting interrogation of prison gang leaders, regarding the whacking, and not expecting much of this.

"You could've whacked BRTD, Tender," he pointed out. "There was no lost love between you two."

"When I nail a man," Tender replied with pride, "I do this because he stands in the way of my constitutional rights to call out criminals pretending to be asylum seekers "

"BRTD was not nailed, he was..."

"Oh, even I don't do this stuff, despite of what AAD crowd says about me behind my backs "

"Next..."


Prisoner number 23F31, Chairman Sanchez, AKA El Trumpo. Convicted May 21, '12 - two counts of NSWF stuff. Sentence: 30 years, up for parole in 10.
 
"You know, Sanchez, you and your Latino boys could've easily whacked BRTD, given you shared a work detail."

"Ay, caramba!," El Trumpo protested. "I'm not even a Latino."

"Next..."


And here was leader of the largest prison gang: the Gays.

Prisoner number 13S36, Jamespol. Convicted April 16, '10 - three counts of sexual harassment via PM. Sentence: 10 years, up for parole in 6.

"I think you whacked BRTD, James," the investigator said, "after he ignored your advances."

"I only said he had a nice ass in a message," James replied. "But I've rehabilitated enough since my time in the hole."

"Next..."


Prisoner number 23D12, Wulfric. Convicted June 2, '12 - two counts of making Baby Jesus cry. Sentence: 8 years, up for parole in 4.

"Yes, I have something to report," Wulfric, not affiliated with any gang, volunteered.

"Go on."

"I think that new guy," Wulfric lowered his voice, "may be a socialist."

"So?"

"Why, aren't you going to do something about this?"

"There are lot of socialists in this prison. It's not against the rules."

"But it should be."

"Get out and stop wasting my time."

[President of the great nation of 🏳️‍⚧️]

Still waiting to be shamelessly inserted.

[LLR]

Almost worth regularly checking this place for. Nice work, Kal

[Lachi]

Still waiting to be shamelessly inserted.

[President Punxsutawney Phil]

Still waiting to be shamelessly inserted.

[Badger]

Still waiting to be shamelessly inserted.

[Kamala]

Still waiting to be shamelessly inserted.

[Wells]

Still waiting to be shamelessly inserted.

He should only insert people with more than 3092 posts.

[Kamala]

Still waiting to be shamelessly inserted.

He should only insert people with more than 3092 posts.

Fair enough.