President Opebo: The Saga Returns!

[DanielX]

On February 31, 2008, every probable Presidential candidate, from Hillary Clinton to Lyndon LaRouche, is abducted by space aliens. In addition, President Bush suddenly loses all use of his vocal chords, Dick Cheney accidentally shoots himself in the back of the head, a ludicrously drunken Ted Kennedy has to be pulled off of his niece by Capitol Police, and Paul Wolfowitz decides to take up bagpipes, forming a team with Harmonica-paying Joe Lieberman.

The Republicans and Democrats scour far and wide for new candidates. The Republicans scrape up Aaron Brunsel of Iowa, a gym teacher (Actually, they were looking for his brother Paul, but Paul was too busy operating the new Herbert Hoover Presidential Shrine). He professes to fight for "Liberty and Christianity" and get rid of the "Ass-Brained Demo-Jews" in the white house. Wolfowitz and Lieberman, busy setting up their new "Klezm-Scot Fusion" band along with Arlen Specter, don't comment. He chooses Michael Assad of New Jersey to be his running-mate.

The Democrats, for their part, decide they want an older, more experienced and sophisticated candidate, who can appeal to their internationalists yet comes from the Heartland. The find Phineas Edgar Bolger, a wealthy scion of Missouri who spends much of his time in Thailand, and make him their candidate. Delightfully, Mr. Bolger immediately announces that he will be running on a platform including legalizing prostitution, removing foreign obligations from the armed forces and reducing them to a strictly defensive force, and a $15/hour minimum wage. Suavely, he chooses James Fern of California to be his running-mate.

Third-party candidates abound, but all are hobbled by circumstance. Even after the 29th amendment lowered the minimum age a President needed to be to 19, Chris Verin was still too young to qualify. He pouted and left for Canada. Everett Nikodemski of California dropped out after finding out neither her rabbits nor Preorder Sheep Plushie were eligible candidates for Vice-President. Daniel X. Smith of Wyoming (err...actually, Maryland) laughed so hard upon the news he had a cracked rib and had to spend three weeks in the hospital, dooming his potential candidacy. Jeffrey Rights's attempt to run for President of the Confederate States of America paired with Joshua Craddock was foiled, as the CSA's government was dissolved in 1865. Francis Festoon was visiting Japan with his wife and their daughter. Kevin Emperor   was a strong candidate at first, but upon the discovery of his shrine to Ayn Rand he withdrew from the race in disgrace. Walter Mitty, "Boss" Tweed, and Jake Jacobson were running for Congress and couldn't be bothered. Kentucky and Vermont were the only states to even carry Christopher Bandit and running-mate Shira Durnen on their ballots, and he lost too many votes as most of the voters who would choose him went instead to Bolger. Ralph Nader would have run, but he was abducted by aliens. Samuel Spade, Alcon San Croix, David Leip, and Chris Soult were too busy running a fantasy elections forum to do anything. Mickey Mouse did do suprisingly strong in the election despite being a fictional character and his many running-mates. The Nintendo Party also fielded the Mario/Link ticket, which got suprising numbers of votes despite neither actually existing and both being technically Japanese - at least, unlike prospective candidate Sonic T. Hedgehog, they were both humanoid and were more than 19 years old. Batman/Robin won over 5% of the vote in New York state.

In the end... here were the candidates:
Official:
(all states):
(Republican) Aaron Brunsel (Iowa) / Michael J. Assad (New Jersey)
(Democrat) Phineas Edgar Bolger (Missouri) / James Fern (California)

(in 17 states)
(Turtle) Karl Terrapin (Iowa) / Berthold Galapagos (Hawaii)

(in 11 states)
Richard Nixon's Corpse (California) / Spiro Agnew's Ghost (Maryland)

(in 10 states, although votes were discounted as it was running for the CSA presidency:)
(Dixie) Jeffrey "Rights" Wallnofer (Florida) / Joshua Craddock (North Carolina)

(in New York, New Jersey, Virginia, Ohio, Florida, and Nebraska):
(Gotham) Batman (New York) / Robin (New Jersey)

(in California, Washington, Oregon, Florida, Maryland, Wyoming, and Virginia)
(Nintendo) Mario Segali (New York) / Link Hyrule (umm....Oregon?)

(Kentucky, Vermont):
(New America) Christopher Bandit (Kentucky) / Shira Durnen (Connecticut)

(in Ohio and Pennsylvania)
(Fusion) Bob Taft (Ohio) / Ed Rendell (Pennsylvania)

(In Colorado, California, Massachusetts, and Michigan)
(Academia) Noam Chomsky (Massachusetts) / Ward Churchill (Colorado)

(In Michigan, Idaho, Mississippi, Alabama, and South Carolina)
(Klan) Imperial Wizard Charles Blank (Mississippi) / Deputy Wizard Randolph Cirus Sternum (Idaho)

(in California)
(Recall) Leo Gallagher (California) / Mary Cook (Nevada)
(Peace & Freedom) Herman Hippee (California) / Mohammed Hassan Al-Dirqua (Michigan)

(in Michigan)
(Islamic) Osama bin Laden (Saudi Arabia...err...make that Michigan) / Ayman Al-Zawahiri (Jordan... no, that'll be Georgia)

[ilikeverin]

Even after the 29th amendment lowered the minimum age a President needed to be to 19, Chris Verin was still too young to qualify. He pouted and left for Canada

No, when I want to pout, I go to Aruba

...wait, no one is left anymore who would get that joke. 

[jokerman]

Haha

add me as the revived American Party candidate or something.

[DanielX]

Haha

add me as the revived American Party candidate or something.

Unfortunately, Cosmo Kramer was visiting the Little Rock zoo and got whacked in the head by a banana thrown by one of the monkeys. He spent three days in a coma and is curently undergoing outpatient therapy.

[DanielX]

A few events from the campaign trail....

Prominent Ohioan Michael Naso publically endorsed the Brunsel/Assad ticket, his "Hawkeye for President!" speech was accompanied by a rather noisy fart.

Mr. Bolger, making a campaign speech in Briggsville, Arkansas, accused a crowd armed with pitchforks and torches of being "Prudes". His security apparatus, run by prominents supporters Pym Fortyun and a mysterious character known only as "Dakota Red". It appears that communist stripper ninjas and homosexual cowboys proved to be an effective aid in helping Bolger escape from the crowd.

Leo Gallagher offered, as part of his defensive plan, to arm US soldiers with giant mallets suitable for destroying any terrorist fruits that come in their way. Vice-Presidential candidate Mary Cook and Campaign manager Larry Flynt offered to hold a "Really Cool Party" in the White House if Gallagher won. Sadly, Gallagher was only able to get on the ballot in California, although he did receive substantial write-ins in several other states...

Chomsky dropped out of the race and endorsed Bolger. This proved to be an important coup in the Bolger campaign, as he was now able to overwhelmingly win the whiny intellectual vote.

Richard Nixon's undead corpse made a campaign speech in Barstow, California. The entire speech was "mmrgl...brains, brains, BRAINS, damn Felt, BRAINS!". He then attacked the audience and ran off into the misty night. Two days later, Mark Felt mysteriously disappeared...

Herman Hippee dropped out after being thrown in jail for illegal possession of marijuana and LSD. He did not endorse a candidate.

"Hawkeye" Brunsel made inroads with the religious vote with a visit to Patrick Henry College, taking the time to praise "King Jesus".

Paul Brunsel, Hawkeye's brother, refused to comment, instead offering to give the cameraman a tour of HooverLand, Iowa's newest theme park, a massive technological wonder including a dam ride, World War I roller coaster, and a restaurant whose specialty dish is chicken in a pot. A second park, WallaceLand, is under planning.

Karl Terrapin, the most prominent of the third party candidates, has made voting rights a crucial part of his platform, promising to offer voting rights to any turtle or tortioise that meet voting age and citizenship requirements.

[DanielX]

In other news, the Old Yiddish Celts (Wolfowitz, Lieberman, and Specter) played to a sell-out audience at their first performance in Baltimore, Maryland. It seems "Klezm-Scot" music is catching on, outperforming "Techno-Country" and "Heavy Metal Opera" although it still isn't as popular as "Cursing" or "Emo".

Sylvester Stallone, Brad Pitt, and Angelina Jolie star in Rambo CXIV: This Time It's Personal .  The top-grossing movie this year is a remake of Super Mario Bros., this time directed by Peter Jackson, starring Robert De Niro as "Goomba". Neither won an academy award; 12 academy awards went to Le Hearthrob, a film about two cultured gay men and a poodle living together in an apartment in Paris. Boycotted in 29 states, it only grossed $92,000, most of which at a theater in Beverely Hills, California.

Margaret Thatcher joins a secret program operated by the CIA, MI6, and the Mossad. She is given doses of Meta-Y gloqlobum radiation. The results of the experiment won't come out until March.

Leo Gallagher accidentally hit assitant campaign manager Gary Coleman with a mallet when attempting to whack his 135,653,324th watermelon. The resulting stage fight involving the mallet, several different fruits, a rubber chicken, and a pair of sunglasses was later shown on HBO, whose daily viewership that day exceeded the number of people who watched the Chicago Cubs shut out the New York Yankees 15-0 at the World Series.

Osama Bin Laden made a campaign broadcast from an undisclosed location, offering the American people Universal healthcare, tax cuts, and "slaughtering the infidels".

[DanielX]

Does anyone like the pre-election tidbits? Or are you all waiting for me to go on with the post-election civil war fiasco?

[Bacon King]

I am liking it. I especially liked this part right here-

Osama Bin Laden made a campaign broadcast from an undisclosed location, offering the American people Universal healthcare, tax cuts, and "slaughtering the infidels".

[DanielX]

It is November 1. The election is only a few days away...

Isolated instances of zombie wars are reported in California. Mark Felt's corpse is spotted leading an army of undead bureaucrats against Richard Nixon's corpse and his competing army of undead bureaucrats.

Bolger makes a campaign stop in Minneapolis, MN, taking time along with "Dakota Red" to sample the variety of strip clubs there.

Hawkeye Brunsel visits Holy Land MegaChurch in Atlanta, GA for a campaign stop, encouraging people to be on the lookout for the AntiChrist. His brother does not comment, to busy dedicating the new statue of Herbert Hoover in Iowa Falls, Iowa.

Gallagher continues his campaign, picking up Huffington who replaces Coleman as assistant campaign manager.

Osama Bin Laden makes another tape encouraging votes, pointing out that he plans to respect the institution of marriage multifold and allow men to have up to four wives. And they can kill as many infidels as they please.

Ronald Reagan's body is shipped to an undisclosed location as part of the Meta-Y Gloqlobum experiments, and also to prevent him from rising up as a zombie in the continuing California crisis.

Imperial Wizard Charles Blank is shot point-blank by Malcolm Mohammed Small while campaigning for racial separation, white superiority, and "killing the saracens". He survives, but has to hand the campaign over to RaCiSt, his running mate.

[DanielX]

The election has passed. The map:

.

Bolger AKA Opebo wins the Electoral College 281-257 over Brunsel AKA Hawkeye.

Final Popular vote %:
Bolger/Fern (De): 43.1%
Brunsel/Assad (Re): 42.5%
Third-party: 14.4%
divide:
Gallagher/Cook (Rc): 4.1%
Terrapin/Galapagos(Tr): 3.7%
Taft/Rendell (Fu): 2.8%
Bin Laden/Zawahiri(Is): 1.1%
Other/disqualified: 2.7%

Hawkeye Brunsel, in his concession speech, proclaimed Bolger to be the "prince of darkness" and warned Americans not to "hearken unto his evil ways, and turn away from King Jesus".

Paul Brunsel was unavailable for comment, busy dedicating a statue of Herbert Hoover in Oelwein, Iowa. Chris Verin, pouting in Aruba, chose to hug reporters so hard that their bones began to break. Daniel X Smith, having recovered from his broken bones, warned "Run for the hills!", deciding to move to Israel.

It is suspected that Bolger's suprisingly large victory in California and nearby states in the Southwest came from the Zombie vote.  Michigan saw a suprisingly strong turnout for Bin Laden; he won some (overwhelmingly muslim) precincts in the Detroit area.

[DanielX]

January 20, 2009:

Despite court cases launched by Hawkeye Brunsel, Assad, Gallagher, and Bin Laden, it's clear that Bolger won the race.

Bolger swears the oath of office.

The nation loses most contact with the Los Angeles-San Bernardino valley area. Sporadic reports of zombie fighting mixing with gang warfare are coming from the now troubled region. Area resident John Ford recommends "getting the hell out of dodge if you can, and hole up with lotsa food, water, and ammo in the attic otherwise". Paul Brunsel was unavailable for comment, as he was busy cutting the ribbon of the Herbert Hoover Memorial Bridge, a 6-lane pan-Mississippi crossing at the Iowa-Wisconsin border.

Later that day, Bolger introduces his new policies:

- A $15 per hour minimum wage for all labor.
- A new graduated income tax system with taxes ranging from -25% to 75%
- Giving every unemployed adult a subsidy equivalent to a $10/hour job
- A 150% increase in the gasoline tax and forbidding sale of all noncommercial vehicles over 2 1/4 tons as a means of conserving fuel
-A gradual shift to the Metric system
- Food laws that ban high fructose corn syrup from all packaged products, and strictly regulate trans-fats.
- A 10-year plan to demolish most of the nation's interstate highways in favor of rail and airport linkages.
-A law forbidding construction of new suburbs (a policy championed by the new secretary of Housing and Urban development, a mysterious entity known only by his initials "BTRD" Or is it "BRTD"?) and mandating that all new development must meet minimum density standards.
-Legalization of prostitution, gambling, polygamy/polyangy/polyamory, gay marriage, and almost all drugs
-Reduction of the age of consent to 12 and the pardoning of all such individuals from prison
-Declaration of the Republican, Constitution, and Falangist parties as "Illegal", and requesting that the Libertarian and Reform parties accept a "non-Religious" ideology.
-Removal of all troops from abroad and a 75% reduction in military spending
-Eliminating all immigration requirements except for a new one: no "religious" may immigrate to the US. All unmarried and non-"religious" females under the age of 35 shall be given an initial $25,000 check to immigrate.
-All evangelical Christians, pious Muslims, and other "religious" shall be fed to appropriate animals (lions for Christians, swine for Muslims).
-The current congressional building shall be converted into a 2-chamber "circus" in which the first executions will take place. Other prominent locations for such executions include converted football stadiums (American football will be abolished over the next 5 years, but some stadiums shall be converted into International football stadiums).

He does this at a joint session of Congress. Then, he has his assistants (a mixture of minions of various sorts), bring lions in, and begins his plan, siccing the lions on various congressmen. 153 Congressmen and Senators died in the "Congressional Lion Massacre". Some cases, both of the dead and of survivors, are notable. Newly minted Rep. Jake Jacobson killed one of the lions with his bare hands.  Sen. Jim Bunning died after killing 3 lions with the aid of a cane. Somewhat wiser, Rep. Walter Mitty fled the chamber, got into his car, and did not stop until he was in Delaware.

[jokerman]

At this point Cosmo Kramer declares himself President of the CSA (Christian States of America this time around, the South will let the Midwest and Rocky mountains into our club ) and musters his army to kick some ass Patton-style.

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

This is really funny

[DanielX]

Within 3 hours of the Congressional Lion Massacre, an emergency session of the South Carolina Legislature is called. By 10 at night, the news is out: South Carolina has refused recognition of "opebo" Bolger's government.

By the next morning, Utah, Mississippi, Alabama, and Arkansas have joined in. President Bolger immediately denounced the "Prudes".

By this point and time, the US Military bureaucracy has reacted. General John Abazaid of US Central Command immediately rejected Bolger's orders, choosing to ask troops to continue basic operations for now. Several other military leaders have taken the same steps.

Bolger reacts by immediately disbanding the US Armed Forces and establishing a new "Distributionary Reinforcement Corps" under the leadership of a trio of mysterious supporters known as "DakotaRed", "NewAmerica", and "GirlGoneWild". He pulls a fast one by surrounding the Pentagon with hordes of hippies, anarchists, communist stripper ninjas, a bunch of angry college professors and their dronelike students, about a quarter of the SF Bay area population, and a few random terrorists. They lay siege to the building.