My poem

[Queen Mum Inks.LWC]

moon

as time and time rolls by
with the soft air drifting in the sky
as peace and war have come and gone
as herds and men went moving on
i stood by a silent face
in the dark and deep cold space
white and pale beneath the sun
i alone, i am but one
till the day when men come near
none to find, what's there to fear
alone i sit now they're all gone
as men seek to find a new dawn
but they'll be back one day i pray
and bring a host of men to stay
as they explore the vast expanse
and i just sit here in a trans
till the day i turn to blood
and all men die as in a flood
i saw it all - and tis no more
now tis a new forever more

[Queen Mum Inks.LWC]

SOMEBODY WRITE A REVIEW ABOUT THIS

[MODU]

SOMEBODY WRITE A REVIEW ABOUT THIS

hahaha . . . don't be so desperate.  People were probably sound asleep why the time you posted. 

Anyway, it is a very good poem.  I'm not a big fan of short-line/every line rhyming poems, but this one had a good theme, kept constant, and was supported by artistic license with verse structure.

[Rin-chan]

I think it flowed very nicely.  I'm a big fan of flow.  And I liked the end of it better, once you got on a roll.  And you spelled trance wrong.


Overall:

7/10

Rin-chan

[Colin]

I found it rather bland myself, no real use of imagery to convey a message; seemed quite contrite, IMHO. Rhyming and meter was pedantic and infantile with no variation of set rhyme scheme and a very overused standard couplet rhyming.

My suggestions to you would be to first make your subject more clear. While a poem often conveys an idea or a belief in an obscure form it should include concrete images and metaphor in order to ground the read in the language. Secondly I would get rid of the rhyme scheme that you have. I would suggest that you take a look at other, and I must say more complex and beautiful patterns, such as the Shakespearean or Petrarchan sonnet or blank verse, the style that Frost often used and that Milton used in his epic poem Paradise Lost. While they take more time to create they make a much more beautiful, complex, and much deeper poem than the sing-songy rhyme scheme that you have used now, which makes you sound more like Doctor Suess or a musician than a true poet.

I do like the psuedo-e.e. cummings use of no capitalization. Overall I give it 3/10.

[Cubby]

I thought it was a "7", not too shabby

I didn't like the line about "turning to blood". You should say "dust" or "Earth" or something less violent.

[Queen Mum Inks.LWC]

I thought it was a "7", not too shabby

I didn't like the line about "turning to blood". You should say "dust" or "Earth" or something less violent.

That has to do with my belief in the Bible and the end times - so that stays.

The lower case is b/c i typed it on facebook - and it's an unwritten rule that you don't capitalzie on facebook.

[Colin]

I thought it was a "7", not too shabby

I didn't like the line about "turning to blood". You should say "dust" or "Earth" or something less violent.

That has to do with my belief in the Bible and the end times - so that stays.

Crazy Fundie.

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Well that's a stupid rule but I did find that aspect rather interesting and more experimental.