US Political junkies have a sense of humor too!! :-)

[Ryan]

While we do crack a lotta jokes in our discussions, I thought it might be a good idea to have one thread solely for humor

This is for any good natured roasts or cracks on politicians in general (like the first below), politics or politics related subjects (like the  foll. one on newspapers readers) or even on political parties or politicians (like the third joke below).

Now needless to say, all are requested to keep this PG 13. Also inevitably most jokes will target a particular party or party leader and will probably not seem too funny to members of that party. Still I would request that jokes which would actually insult and infuriate someone be abstained from. (just a request of course )

Well aside from that enjoy!! and look forward to hearing some good ones

[Ryan]

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward
whiskey.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."

"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield
against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds
into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for
it.

"This is my position, and I will not compromise!"

[Ryan]

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
country, and who are very good at crosswords.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country
but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like
their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave
LA to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a
seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the
country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably
while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there
is a country .... or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they
oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the
leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also
happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they
are Democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country
but need the baseball scores.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the
grocery store

[Ryan]

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was a liberal Democrat. She then asked her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat is, but wanting to please their teacher, hands exploded into the air like fleshy fireworks. There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked Lucy why she decided to be different.
   
"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat," Lucy said. The teacher asked, "Then what are you?"
   
"I'm a proud conservative Republican," said the little girl.
   
The teacher, a little perturbed and red-faced, asked Lucy why she was a conservative Republican. Lucy proclaimed, "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself and freedom, instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too."
   
The teacher calmly pointed out, "That's no reason. What if your Mom and Dad were both morons? What would you be then?"
   
Lucy answered, "Then, I'd be a liberal Democrat."  

[Filuwaúrdjan]

The British version of the newspaper joke(from the very, very funny sitcom Yes Minister) :


Jim Hacker: "Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers: The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country, The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country, The Times is read by people who actually do run the country, The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country, The Financial Times is read by people who own the country, The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country, and the Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.

Sir Humphrey: "Prime Minister, what about the people who read the Sun?"

Bernard Woolley: "Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits."

[Demrepdan]

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was a liberal Democrat. She then asked her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat is, but wanting to please their teacher, hands exploded into the air like fleshy fireworks. There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked Lucy why she decided to be different.
   
"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat," Lucy said. The teacher asked, "Then what are you?"
   
"I'm a proud conservative Republican," said the little girl.
   
The teacher, a little perturbed and red-faced, asked Lucy why she was a conservative Republican. Lucy proclaimed, "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself and freedom, instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too."
   
The teacher calmly pointed out, "That's no reason. What if your Mom and Dad were both morons? What would you be then?"
   
Lucy answered, "Then, I'd be a liberal Democrat."  

I heard a joke similar to this. Except the teacher stood up and said.."I am a proud supporter of what President Bush is doing! Are there any other students that are Republicans and support President Bush?" Everyone stood up except for one little girl. The teacher asked the little girl, "why don't you support our President?" And the little girl says..."Well, my parents are Democrats, so I usually think the way they do, and do what they do." And the teacher gets kind of upset and says in a snobby tone of voice.."well, if your parents were criminals would you be one too?!" and the little girls says..."no..then I'd be a Republican"

[Demrepdan]

I've heard similar versions of this joke. But here is a joke you Republicans might like.

Howard Dean, Carol Mosley-Braun, Wesley Clark, Dick Gephardt, and a little boy are on a plane flying to Iowa. The plane begins to have problems, and is ready to crash, so the pilot  gets out of the cockpit, and grabs one of 5 parachutes in the plane and says.."Good luck!" to the rest of the passengers. There are only 4 parachutes left for the remaining 5 passengers. So Carol Mosley-Braun grabs a parachute and says.."The world needs a woman President!" and then jumps out. General Wesley Clark grabs a parachute and says.."The world needs more military leaders!" and then jumps out of the plane. Then Howard Dean grabs a parachute and says..."Well, I'm a doctor, and the smartest Democrat in the world, so I'm OUTTA HERE!" Dick Gephardt looks down at the little boy, and says "Well, I guess it's just you and me, kid. And since children are our future, I guess you can have the last parachute." And the little boy says.."Don't worry, we have TWO parachutes left! The world's smartest Democrat just jumped out with my backpack!”

[Demrepdan]

OK, OK, I got ONE more...and then thats all from me for today.

Late Night Humor:

"President Bush is going over to England. He is expected to encounter huge protests over there. Tony Blair said he is 100 percent behind the president........I'm sorry that is Prince Charles."
-Craig Kilborn


The president's trip to England has got the Secret Service going crazy. They're learning to bow to the queen, say, 'Yes, your highness.'...... No, I'm sorry, those were Democrats in Iowa when Hillary Clinton showed up."
-Jay Leno

Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich — he says he is now looking for a wife. When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, 'Hey take mine.'" —David Letterman

[Kevinstat]

Republicans support small government.  They believe the government should be small enough to fit in your bedroom.  Democrats believe the government should be even smaller - small enough to fit into your wallet.

[Ryan]

Ed Bradley Jr. of Florida, has coined a new word to describe how the current field of [Democratic] candidates in the presidential election are going about it:                " Camplaigning"

[Ryan]

First lady Laura Bush recalls one overnight visit with her husband to the home of his parents, the former president and Mrs. Bush.
    "And George woke up at 6 a.m. as usual and went downstairs to get a cup of coffee," Mrs. Bush says. "And he sat down on the sofa with his parents and put his feet up. And all of a sudden, Barbara Bush yelled, 'Put your feet down!'
    "George's dad replied, 'For goodness' sake, Barbara, he's the president of the United States.'
    "And Barbara said, 'I don't care. I don't want his feet on my table.' "
    The president promptly did as he was told, for as Mrs. Bush observes: "Even presidents have to listen to their mothers."

[Demrepdan]

   President Bush is visiting England, and he is having tea with the Queen. He asks the Queen, "What is your leadership philosophy?" and she says, "Well, my dear sir, I simply surround myself with people of intelligence." And Bush says, "How do you do that?", and the Queen says, "You must ask them the right questions. Allow me to demonstrate." So she calls up Tony Blair on the phone, and puts him on speaker phone so Bush can hear too. She asks Tony Blair, "Mr. Prime Minister, if your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is neither your brother or sister, then who is this child?" and Tony Blair says, "Why, it would be ME, ma'am." And she says, "Quite right." then turns to Mr. Bush and says,"You see now, Mr. President?" And Bush says, "Yeah, that’s a great idea, I've gotta use that."

   So when he gets back to Washington he calls Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge into his office. Bush says, "Tom, I have a question for you. If your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is neither your brother or your sister, then who is this child?" And Tom Ridge says, "Well, I....uh...um...could I have some more time to think about this, sir?" And Bush says, "Sure."

   So Tom talks to other cabinet members, like  Secretary of Treasury John Snow, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, and  Attorney General John Ashcroft, and they all puzzle over the question for HOURS. Meanwhile, Secretary of State Colin Powell walks by, and Tom calls him into the room, "Hey Powell! We need your help with a question! If your mother has a child and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister, then who is it?" And Colin Powell answers immediately, "It would be ME!! You moron!" Then Tom runs back to the Oval Office, and says, "Mr. President, Mr. President! I know the answer! It's Colin Powell!"

And President Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong! You dumb ass!! It's TONY BLAIR!!"

[Ryan]

President Bush and the Queen are out for an afternoon on the Thames... sailing on the royal yacht. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Queen's hat blows off her head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Queens Hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht
and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Queen amid
stunned silence.

The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats
on the Hill, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities, and
in France and Germany is:

"Bush Can't Swim."

[Ryan]

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her
first night in the White House.

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie,"

Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people,"

Ho! I really don't want to do that.

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

[Demrepdan]

George W. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.
Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"
The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," the child says.
"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.
A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spots the same boy with his box just ahead.
George W. says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
George W. says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."
The boy replies, "They're Democrats."
"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What happend?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."

[Beet]

You must be logged in to read this quote.

Heh the original joke goes like this, I heard it about 2 years ago:

Jiang Zemin, Zhu Rongji, Li Peng, and a school boy are in a plane. It is ready to crash and... Jiang Zemin is needed because he's head of state, Li Peng is needed to enforce the law, and Zhu (the good guy) and the boy are left. Of course Li's the one who jumped with the backpack.

[Ryan]

LOL its funny about how evry political joke imaginable has been switched to apply to the other party as well. I've been hearing this joke for the last FIVE years on conservative sites, usually with Hillary Clinton as the butt of the joke. I have it somewhere around; if I find it I'll post it. I trust you will find it funnier the other way around.

George W. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.
Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"
The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," the child says.
"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.
A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spots the same boy with his box just ahead.
George W. says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
George W. says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."
The boy replies, "They're Democrats."
"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What happend?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."

[Demrepdan]

Late Night Humor:

"A couple of hours ago, President Bush arrived back in the United States after a controversial trip to England. The president said he was looking forward to seeing his loved ones. Of course he was talking about the reporters at Fox News." —Conan O'Brien

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he is going to cut the California state budget in half. He is going to do that with a giant Conan sword." —David Letterman

"President Bush is in the UK, and he is staying at Buckingham Palace. He is being surrounded by 200 members of the Secret Service and that is just to protect him from Prince Charles." —David Letterman

" President Bush and Queen Elizabeth have a lot in common -- they both came into power without being elected." —David Letterman

"President Bush is also the first U.S. president to spend the night in Buckingham Palace at the request of the royal family. As he was showing the president around, Prince Charles asked President Bush if he wanted to see Big Ben, and Bush said, 'Whoa, I'm from Texas, don't try any of that funny stuff with me.'" —Jay Leno

"In England they are furious over President Bush's visit. In fact, in a speech the mayor of London described President Bush as 'the greatest threat to life on this planet.' After hearing this President Bush said 'That is ridiculous, what about godzilla?" —Conan O'Brien

"Democratic front-runner Howard Dean being called a hero this week. It seems he was going to a campaign rally in Iowa and one of his campaign volunteers collapsed from a seizure and since he was a doctor he ran over and treated the guy until the ambulance came. He is not the only candidate that helped. Since he was a trial lawyer, John Edwards chased the ambulance all the way to the hospital." —Jay Leno

"Some Democrats are talking seriously about Hillary Clinton running for president in 2004. I don't think they are serious. I think they are trying to get Rush Limbaugh to go back on drugs." —Jay Leno

[M]

In 1997 Air Force One crashes. Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Hillary are aboard. They enter the pearly gates and go to talk to G-d.

G-d leans over from his throne of heavenly glory and says, "Bill, who are you and how have you used your time on Earth?"

Clinton answers, "well, I led the greatest nation on Earth through a period of Peace and Prosperity."

G-d says, "that sounds pretty neat! You can sit on the right hand of my throne. Now, Al, who are you what did you do with your life?"

Al Gore responds, "Well, I tried to help Bill lead America."

And He responded, "Nifty! You can sit on the left hand of my throne."

Then He turned to Hillary and inquired, "so, who are you and how did you use your earthly existence?"

And She answered, "Same to you! Get out of my chair!"

[M]

So Hillary Clinton is in heaven and enters a room to meet G-d. And He is surrounded by a bunch of mechancical clocks with pendulums. A few are practically motionless ticking slowly, while others have a pretty quick movement. There are billions of these clocks.

Hillary says, "So, G-d, what are these clocks?"

G-d says, "Each clock is connected to a person on the Earth. Every time their clocks ticks, they have told a lie."

Hillary scans the nameplates under the clock. Then she says to Him, "Wait, I don't see Bill's clock!"

"Oh," said the holy one, blessed be he, "I keep that in my office to use as a fan."

[M]

In late September, 2001, a little red 60s looking dial telephone rang on President Bush's desk in the oval office. Bush leaned backed in his swivel chair (tm) and picked up the phone.

"Yellow?"

"Mister President?" The voice was dark and mysterious.

"Who's this?"

"I am Osama Bin Laden."

"You! what are YOU calling for!?"

"Mister President, I wanted to inform you that I had a dream last nime. A dream of great portent."

"And what's that?"

"In my dream, I was slave of Allah, master of the world, and Khalifah of all the West. America grovelled at my feet. Stripped of its riches, it was reduced to poverty. Women have been made into slaves and collected for my harem. The richest Americans can hardly afford a deformed mule. The great cities have fallen, and they are only so much rubble and ruins. Your mightyinstitutions of freedom and democracy are totally destroyed. All speak Arabic and accept the glorious Islamic rule."

The President's reply surprised Osama. "Really? What a coincidence! I had such a dream myself last night!"

"Truly? And what happened in your dream?"

"Well, Afghanistan was a thrivig and wealthy paradise. There were well-cared for and  economically successful cities. A strong middle class was the norm in the nation. They regularly drove their Toyotas and Tauruses to the polls and voted for a wide array of candidate. Women were fully liberated and elevated to the same status as men. The people constantly chatted to happily each other about something or other."

"What were they chatting about?"

"Well, Osama, I don't rightly know. I can't speak Hebrew."

[Ryan]

I dunno if this is on the level or not but coming from a "LIBERAL ARTS" college in all sense of the words, I can sure empathise

So you're a feminist?...Isn't that cute
Mike S. Adams (archive)


May 27, 2003


Dear UNC-Wilmington Board of Trustees:

It has recently come to my attention that a feminist
student at UNCW has
taken offense to a sticker on my office door which reads
"So you're a
feminist . . . Isn't that cute." I found this out after
obtaining a copy
of a letter her father wrote to you, the Board of Trustees.
I could
comment at some length on the obvious hypocrisy of this
student's
decision to ask her father to defend feminism for her, but
I won't. Let
me get straight to the point: I did not put that sticker on
my office
door.

This terrible misunderstanding is all the result of an
experiment on
diversity and tolerance that I decided to undertake several
years ago.
It all started when I noticed that a colleague of mine had
a
"Mondale/Ferraro '84" sticker on the filing cabinet in her
office. I
also noticed that another colleague had one posted on the
front of his
office desk.

Remembering that the university has a provision
specifically prohibiting
faculty from using "University funds, services, supplies,
vehicles, or
other property to support or oppose the candidacy of any
person for
elective public office . . ." I decided to initiate my
experiment.

First, I placed a "Clinton/Gore '96" sticker prominently on
my office
door to see if anyone would take offense. After two years
without any
complaints, I decided to replace the sticker with one that
said "George
W. Bush for President." Within a few weeks I heard reports
from two
faculty members and one staff member saying that someone
was preparing
to file a complaint about the Bush sticker.

Since the faculty handbook specifies "appropriate
disciplinary action,
including discharge from employment" as one possible
consequence of
violating the aforementioned rule, I decided it was time to
let the
faculty in on my little experiment. I did this by sending
an e-mail to
everyone in the building which began as follows: "You have
all been
involved in an experiment in tolerance which,
unfortunately, some of you
have failed . . ."

As you can imagine, the "liberal" Democrat who was
conspiring to punish
me for the Bush sticker decided to let the matter go. But,
for me, the
First Amendment fun was just beginning. After one animal
rights activist
heard about my little prank, she came by the office for a
laugh. I put
up an "I Love Animals. . . They're Delicious" sticker just
for her. Some
liberals really do have a sense of humor, you know.

Of course, others don't. After one of my feminist
colleagues came by to
say that she didn't mind my stickers as long as I didn't
post anything
"pro-life," I had to respond.   That explains the picture
on my door
showing a newborn baby with "Is this the face of the
enemy?" printed
above his forehead. If you come by my office, you can't
miss it. It's in
bold letters.

There is one more thing I have to tell you before I reveal
the source of
the sticker that sparked this whole exchange. I have turned
my door into
a campus "free speech zone" by inviting all of my students
to put their
own bumper stickers on the door. That explains why most of
the stickers
aren't mine. It also explains why some seem to contradict
others. For
example, next to the "gay pride" sticker on my door, there
is a giant
pink one that reads "Heterophobia is a social disease." I
will admit to
making that one, by the way.

But I had absolutely nothing to do with the "Vagina
Monologues" sticker
or the picture of Saddam Hussein below it. You may want to
contact the
Office of Diversity about those. Or maybe the Department of
Middle
Eastern Studies.

But back to the issue of the offended parent. If you would
like, I can
have the non-feminist student who placed the allegedly
anti-feminist
sticker on my door contact the feminist student who took
offense. She
would be glad to claim responsibility. Or perhaps her daddy
can call the
feminist's daddy and work everything out.

As for me, it's time to turn to some broader issues such as
fostering an
appreciation for freedom of expression at our university.
In fact,
pretty soon you will be receiving my new proposal for First
Amendment
sensitivity training sessions for UNCW faculty and
students. I might
even amend the proposal to include parents as well.

As for encouraging the easily offended to approach college
with a sense
of humor, I haven't found a solution for that one. I guess
all we can do
is lead by example.

Dr. Mike S. Adams (adams_mike@hotmail.com)

[Ryan]

Well since Demrep indulged in some own party bashing, I will do so too. I understand that John Asahcroft himself found this funny, so that makes it easier for me to use it.


    Mr. Ashcroft is spending the day at an elementary school and after the morning session fields questions from the children. Johnny raises his hand.
    "Mr. Ashcroft," he pipes up, "I have three questions for you: Why haven't we gotten Osama bin Laden yet? Why haven't we gotten Saddam Hussein yet? And doesn't the Patriot Act infringe on our civil liberties?"
    Before Mr. Ashcroft can answer, the recess bell rings and the children run out to the playground. When they return and sit back down, Susie raises her hand.
    "Mr. Ashcroft," she said, "I have five questions for you: Why haven't we gotten Osama bin Laden yet? Why haven't we gotten Saddam Hussein yet? Doesn't the Patriot Act infringe on our civil liberties? Why was recess 20 minutes early today? And where's Johnny?"

[Ryan]

Today's Washington Post says that of the nine Democratic
presidential candidates, Wesley Clark has the most
presidential
hairstyle. Not only that but the Post said that Al Sharpton
had the
best hairstyle of a first lady." —Conan O'Brien


Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich — he says
he is
now looking for a wife. When Bill Clinton heard this, he
said, 'Hey
take mine.'" —David Letterman

Democratic front-runner Howard Dean being called a hero
this week.
It seems he was going to a campaign rally in Iowa and one
of his
campaign volunteers collapsed from a seizure and since he
was a
doctor he ran over and treated the guy until the ambulance
came. He
is not the only candidate that helped. Since he was a trial
lawyer,
John Edwards chased the ambulance all the way to the
hospital." —Jay
Leno

"Leading Democratic contender Howard Dean says he stopped
drinking
22 years ago and hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since. On
the
other hand, Joe Lieberman took a look at his poll numbers
and
started drinking pretty heavily." —Jay Leno

"In the Rock The Vote presidential debates Tuesday night
Democratic
candidates Howard Dean, John Edwards and John Kerry
admitted that
they had smoked marijuana, while candidate Dennis Kucinich
admitted
that he was high right now." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night
Live's "Weekend Update"

"In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used
to drink
and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put him over the top
is a sex
scandal." —David Letterman

"In his new book, 'Winning Back America,' Dean talks about
his
wealthy prep school and how he used to get drunk. Let me
get this
straight —  he had rich parents, drank a lot, went to prep
school
and avoided Vietnam. He's the alternative to George Bush? I
think he
is George Bush." —Jay Leno

"Last night during a Democratic presidential debate,
candidates John
Kerry, John Edwards and Howard Dean all admitted they had
smoked
marijuana and Al Sharpton admitted that his barber smokes
marijuana." —Conan O'Brien

"President Clinton is now denying that he is endorsing
General
Wesley Clark. Do you know the difference between General
Clark and
Clinton? The general knows how to control his privates."
—Jay Leno

"[General Wesley Clark] participated in the debate with the
Democrats. He was the new star. And he had to answer the
question 'Why is he suddenly a Democrat?' He said he did
not fit in
with the Republicans because he is pro-choice,
pro-affirmative
action, and once when he was young and impressionable, he
fought in
a war." —Bill Maher

"The Democratic frontrunner now is former general Wesley
Clark. Over
the weekend he is at a fundraiser and he is explaining how
he
believes in time travel. Paging Al Gore, paging Al Gore."
—David
Letterman

"Today, Clark time-traveled to the Democratic convention
and found
out he wasn't nominated because of stupid time-traveling
remarks." —
David Letterman

"Wesley Clark is being coached by former President Clinton.
I
believe this is the first time a general is being advised
by a pot-
smoking draft dodger." —David Letterman

"According to a new Newsweek poll, after a few days after
entering
the race, General Wesley Clark is already the Democratic
frontrunner, according to the polls if the race were held
today
Clark and Bush would be a virtual dead heat. In a related
story Bush
announced he is calling Clark out of retirement and sending
him to
Iraq." —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean is a politician, a medical doctor and a
Democrat. So he
has three reasons to tell women to take off their clothes
now." —Jay
Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry came down
pretty hard
on fellow candidate Howard Dean this weekend. After Dean
misspoke
several times, Kerry said you can't misspeak 15 times in a
week and
be president. And Bush said, 'You can't'?" —Jay Leno

"There are reports now that retired Army General Wesley
Clark may
enter the presidential race... which could be a big problem
for
President Bush. I mean Clark is a Rhodes Scholar, first in
his class
at West Point, and he owns his own flight suit." —Jay Leno

"Last night, during the Democratic debates, candidate
Dennis
Kucinich said he would stop the death penalty, cut the
defense
budget and set up a Department of Peace. Kucinich made the
remark in
response to the question 'Why is it you have no chance of
winning?'" —Conan O'Brien

"North Carolina Senator John Edwards said he will announce
for
president on September 16th, this is what I love about this
election, if no one listens to you the first 40 times you
announced
it, just announce it again." —Jay Leno

"Many party insiders regard Clark as a dream candidate.
Why? Well,
after graduating at the top of his class at West Point,
Clark was
named Rhodes Scholar and served in Vietnam where he
survived several
injuries then rose to become Supreme Allied Commander of
NATO during
Kosovo. He also speaks four languages and has been
faithfully
married for 36 years. On the downside, he is a heroin
addict." —Jon
Stewart

"According to a new CBS poll, 66 percent of Americans
cannot name a
single Democratic candidate running for president. The
other 34
percent are Democratic candidates running for president."
—Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Joe Lieberman took a shot at
frontrunner
Howard Dean. He said Howard Dean is a ticket to nowhere. So
at least
Lieberman will have someone to ride with now." —Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean is on the
cover of
both Time and Newsweek, and presidential candidate John
Edwards is
on the side of a milk carton." —Jay Leno

"While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal,
The New
York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income
taxes,
reformed welfare and balanced Vermont's budget - all
traditionally
conservative policies. Dean also received an 'A' rating
from the
National Rifle Association, which I think you can't get
unless
you've killed a guy." —Jon Stewart

[Ryan]

"Former vice presidential candidate Joe Lieberman said
today that if
the Democrats nominated Howard Dean, it would be a ticket
to
nowhere. Lieberman added, 'If there's one thing I know,
it's about
being on a ticket to nowhere.'" —Conan O'Brien

"It was reported this week that of all the Democratic
Presidential
candidates Congressman Dick Gephardt has raised the least
money. As
a result, Congressman Gephardt has announced his new
campaign slogan
will be 'I ain't got Dick.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate Richard
Gephardt
referred to President Bush's foreign policy as 'machismo'
and 'arrogant unilateralism.' Bush was furious and told
Gephardt 'You wouldn't dare say that if I knew what it
meant.'" —
Conan O'Brien

"Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean's presidential
campaign is
handing out tongue depressors to volunteers with his name
on them.
Wasn't that Clinton's trick?" —Jay Leno

"The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential
candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild
but it
didn't work out. Apparently she couldn't handle dating
someone with
bigger hair then she had." —Jay Leno

"Democratic Presidential candidate Dick Gephardt fell short
of his
fundraising goal by $1 million. His goal was to try and
raise $1
million." —Jay Leno

"The Democrats had their first presidential debate over the
weekend.
Nine guys showed up for the big debate. What a dreary
group. Did you
see these guys? President Bush took one look at them and
said, 'I
might win this one fair-and-square.'" —David Letterman

"The candidates are getting ready for the 2004 election. So
far the
frontrunners for the Democratic nomination are Dick
Gephardt,
Senator John Kerry, former Governor Howard Dean, and
Senator Joe
Lieberman, or as Bush calls them ace of spades, two of
clubs, the
king of diamonds." —Jay Leno

"Saturday night I watched the nine candidates during the
Democratic
presidential debate, and it was so boring that ABC picked
it up as
part of their fall schedule. Half way through the debate Al
Sharpton
ordered a pizza to his podium. You know who the winner was?
Anyone
with a remote in their hand." —Craig Kilborn

"So far there are nine or ten Democratic candidates, and
it's a
pretty dull group. Have you seen these guys? Actually, I
think its
good that it's a pretty dull group because there will be
little
chance that anyone will be getting laid in the Oval Office
now." —
David Letterman

"Richard Gephardt was appealing to the Democratic base by
promising
to bring sex back to the Oval Office." —David Letterman

"The Reverend Al Sharpton attacked President Bush, saying
he ruined
the economy. For instance, Sharpton hasn't been able to
find a job
in over 46 years." —Craig Kilborn

"Florida Senator Bob Graham announced that he is running
for
president despite the fact that he went through a
double-bypass
earlier this year. Political experts don't give Graham much
chance
because his campaign slogan is 'I'm a little healthier than
Dick
Cheney.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Do you know who Bob Graham is? Basically he's Dick
Gephardt without
the charisma. He's a white guy, named Graham, from the
south, so I
guess that would make him a 'graham cracker.'" —Jay Leno

"Dick Gephardt announced his candidacy for president.
Gephardt now
plans to look for a running mate or as he put it: 'The
alcohol to my
sleeping pills.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Gephardt said even though he and the other Democratic
candidates
have different views they all will give the same concession
speech." —Craig Kilborn

"Are you ready for some exciting news? Dick Gephardt is
running for
president — all right, settle down. Gephardt ran once
before for
president in 1988, but he was no match for the irresistible
charm
and charisma of Michael Dukakis." —David Letterman

"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate
surgery. But
the doctors did tell him it would be several months before
he could
be sexually active again. All the other Democratic
candidates have
been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the
best. The
Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President
Bill
Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely."
—Jay Leno

"Joe Lieberman announced yesterday that he's running for
president.
He made the announcement at his old high school. Out of
force of
habit, the kids gave him a wedgie and broke his glasses."
—Jay Leno

"On Monday, Senator Joe Lieberman will announce his
campaign for the
Democratic presidential nomination while speaking at his
old high
school. To recreate the feel of his old high school days,
Senator
Lieberman will make the announcement from inside a locker."
—Jimmy
Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Well folks it's started, the presidential race. Democratic
Senator
John Edwards of North Carolina, who is also a personal
injury
attorney, has announced he is running for president in
2004. Good
slogan too, 'Elect me and there will be one less lawyer.'"
—Jay Leno

"If Lieberman wins, he won't be the first Jewish-American
to hold
the presidency in his hands. That was Monica Lewinksy."
—Jay Leno

"Tonight, Joe Lieberman will be joining us. You may
remember him as
the man who came this close to losing the vice presidency
in 2000.
But he won, so now he's not vice president." —Jon Stewart

"Senator Joe Lieberman has announced that he's going to run
for
president. The man is so dull, they're already talking
about
replacing him with Frank Lautenberg." —Jay Leno

"Did you hear about the controversy surrounding the Joe
Lieberman
campaign? Turns out years ago he may have experimented with
charisma." —Craig Kilborn

"There was a big grease fire at Al Sharpton's office today.
Apparently, his hair got too close to the space heater."
—Jay Leno

"Gary Hart announced he's going to run for president again.
Now if
you don't Gary Hart, Gary Hart is the Democrat who cheated
on his
wife with a skinny girl." —Jay Leno

"Gary Hart now says he wants to run for president. Gary
Hart was the
guy handing out the beads in the very first 'Girls Gone
Wild'
video." —Jay Leno

"Here's a great story, incoming Senate Majority Leader Bill
Frist,
he's driving on vacation in Florida, saw an SUV that
overturned on
the highway, stopped, got out of the car, jumped over and
helped the
victims until the paramedics arrived. In fact, this is
being called
the closest thing Republicans have ever had for providing
health
care to people. He was not the only senator who stopped at
the
accident. John Edwards the trial lawyer stopped and chased
the
ambulance all the way to the hospital." —Jay Leno

"Tom Daschle announced he is considering running for
president. I
don't mean to say that Tom Daschle is boring, but his
Secret Service
name is Al Gore." —Jay Leno

"If you're keeping count, we now have seven Democrats
running for
president. Thank you CloneAid."  —David Letterman