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Author Topic: Critique my Essay on George Washington's Farewell Adress  (Read 8907 times)
War on Want
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« on: February 07, 2008, 10:31:58 pm »
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I do not believe George Washington’s vision for America came true and I am actually glad it failed. Our country may be partisan and religion may just be a personal issue, but still the nation is better off. I would rather have a country with partisan bickering and distrust, than a nation that holds common religions, manners and habits. Differences in these only make America stronger, and I do not think that having our whole country be Anglo-Saxon Protestants really is a good vision. I also do not think that not having parties is a good idea at all. We need parties to have politics be more clear and the fact is that no matter what happens something like a political party would emerge. The fact is that our country may hurting for different reasons than George Washington believed in, in the 1700’s, and it is ridiculous to claim that partisanship and multiculturalism are the reason for America’s stagnation and decline, in the eyes of the world, and in power
   George Washington’s vision for America did come true because all Americans do not share the same vision for America, and our country is deeply partisan. Americans are divided into many divisions now days about what they want America to look like. Leftists, and Progressives in America want America to be a land of Labor, where the worker has fair pay, equal rights, control of America, and Equal Opportunity, some Leftists emphasize on Multiculturalism, Gay Rights, and social acceptance of all people, but these are more on the fringe, and most Leftists just want rights for workers. Moderates want more or less the same thing, but they also want less government control, and really do not believe in Multiculturalism and Gay Rights, and really want less Taxes rather than America being Socialist in a few ways, even if it may benefit a good portion of the country. Conservatives want something really different, from what Leftists want. They want the government to have almost no power over businesses, have “fair” taxation for everyone, so that those at the bottom of society, pay as much as those at the top, a stop to Illegal Immigration and a deportation of those here, and they also want Christianity to have a big place in schools, government and in many places. As you can see these are really completely different goals. Some Republicans may say they want worker’s rights, and higher wages, but their real goal is for businesses to make more money, and some Democrats may say that they want for businesses to grow and become wealthy but really they do not care much about most businesses and only care about wages, and the well being of the Lower Middle Class, and Poor. The question is, is this divide between these two parties bad or good?
My answer to that is, that it is a good thing. We need a diversity of beliefs in America, and having these beliefs compete is healthy Democracy, even if it results in mudslinging. I also do think that is bad that such different parties hold such different beliefs, because in the end they both want all of America to benefit, even if they care more about one group than others. These parties still have to moderate their views and compromise, in order to win over Moderates, and Independents. It still works out.
 Personally I am a Liberal, and I am proud to be one. I may see things in a different way than Conservatives do and I certainly want to change America, but we can both agree that it should be a Democracy. That is the one common belief all Americans share and which is why America is still the most powerful nation on Earth, and the greatest nation on Earth. It has nothing to do with Culture, Religion, or personal beliefs, because our Government is secular. We still find common ground, and that is what counts. Washington’s views on America are fairy tale land views in this speech, and I think he was getting old when he gave this speech. He was a man of good virtue, but I think that in the end what happened to America was great, even if Partisan bickering resulted from it. I am sure that all Americans can agree that the America of 2008 is better than the one of 1798, unless you think Slavery, Sexism, Bigotry, and Oppression is good.
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War on Want
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« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2008, 10:34:13 pm »
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I know I am generalising things in this Essay but it is for Civics and I don't have the time to go over policy differences between Liberals, and Conservatives over the Estate Tax.
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War on Want
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« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2008, 10:36:45 pm »
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Please guys if you read the whole, thing say what is good about it and what is bad. It is due tommorrow.
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« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2008, 10:48:11 pm »
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No offense, but if I were a teacher, I don't think I'd give that a very good grade.  Your essay contains a lot of words, but it hardly really actually says anything.  You say that the partisan divide in America is good, but offer very little actual justification.  The bulk of your essay is just describing what the divide is, and in a way whose language is heavily biased towards your own personal side of the spectrum.  I would mark it down quite heavily for that.

The actual small section of justification that is given for your stance that the partisan divide is good does not really make very much sense, as well, as you seem to be asserting that without the partisan divide there would be no diversity of beliefs and that everyone would presumably be forced to think the same thing, which does not exactly follow.  The fact that America of 2008 is better than the America of 1798 does not exactly mean that that improvement was caused by the party system.  I found that section hard to read; it seemed as if you weren't really sure what you were trying to say.

Warning the people against the party system was also only one of several points Washington made in his farewell address.  He also praised the federal government and described its benefits, declared religion and morality to be important, warned against permanent foreign alliances, and warned against a military that was too strong.  To only touch on what he said about the party system is ignoring the large bulk of what he had to say.

I would say that for this to get a good mark from me it would need quite heavy revision.
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War on Want
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« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2008, 10:53:58 pm »
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No offense, but if I were a teacher, I don't think I'd give that a very good grade.  Your essay contains a lot of words, but it hardly really actually says anything.  You say that the partisan divide in America is good, but offer very little actual justification.  The bulk of your essay is just describing what the divide is, and in a way whose language is heavily biased towards your own personal side of the spectrum.  I would mark it down quite heavily for that.

The actual small section of justification that is given for your stance that the partisan divide is good does not really make very much sense, as well, as you seem to be asserting that without the partisan divide there would be no diversity of beliefs and that everyone would presumably be forced to think the same thing, which does not exactly follow.  The fact that America of 2008 is better than the America of 1798 does not exactly mean that that improvement was caused by the party system.  I found that section hard to read; it seemed as if you weren't really sure what you were trying to say.

Warning the people against the party system was also only one of several points Washington made in his farewell address.  He also praised the federal government and described its benefits, declared religion and morality to be important, warned against permanent foreign alliances, and warned against a military that was too strong.  To only touch on what he said about the party system is ignoring the large bulk of what he had to say.

I would say that for this to get a good mark from me it would need quite heavy revision.
Oh well. I already printed it, and I am 13, so I will still probably get a B. Considering it took me 15 minutes to type this I'll take. I'll use your advice for my next essay though. Thanks.
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« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2008, 11:08:34 pm »
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First off, I got an A+ on each of my last two persuasive essays, so I hope I know what I'm doing. Smiley

You should have actually read the whole address before writing the essay (I gather that you didn't). There are many points beyond the call for nonpartisanship. Was American neutrality, which was generally pursued until WWI, a good thing? What about Wilson's abandonment of it? Washington also mentioned America's homogeneity in his call for nonpartisanship. Is that relevant today? Explore at least two or three points.

I think you should rewrite it, and that it could use a little more time. Even if it's due tomorrow, it's only 9 in Idaho. 45 minutes will do wonders.
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War on Want
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« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2008, 11:11:09 pm »
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First off, I got an A+ on each of my last two persuasive essays, so I hope I know what I'm doing. Smiley

You should have actually read the whole address before writing the essay (I gather that you didn't). There are many points beyond the call for nonpartisanship. Was American neutrality, which was generally pursued until WWI, a good thing? What about Wilson's abandonment of it? Washington also mentioned America's homogeneity in his call for nonpartisanship. Is that relevant today? Explore at least two or three points.

I think you should rewrite it, and that it could use a little more time. Even if it's due tomorrow, it's only 9 in Idaho. 45 minutes will do wonders.
I normally get B+, or A- but then again I spend about 20 minutes on average on each essay lol.
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« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2008, 11:13:39 pm »
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First off, I got an A+ on each of my last two persuasive essays, so I hope I know what I'm doing. Smiley

You should have actually read the whole address before writing the essay (I gather that you didn't). There are many points beyond the call for nonpartisanship. Was American neutrality, which was generally pursued until WWI, a good thing? What about Wilson's abandonment of it? Washington also mentioned America's homogeneity in his call for nonpartisanship. Is that relevant today? Explore at least two or three points.

I think you should rewrite it, and that it could use a little more time. Even if it's due tomorrow, it's only 9 in Idaho. 45 minutes will do wonders.
I normally get B+, or A- but then again I spend about 20 minutes on average on each essay lol.
When's it due? Please tell me you didn't do it at 6 PM the night before it was due.
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« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2008, 11:30:02 am »
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First off, I got an A+ on each of my last two persuasive essays, so I hope I know what I'm doing. Smiley

You should have actually read the whole address before writing the essay (I gather that you didn't). There are many points beyond the call for nonpartisanship. Was American neutrality, which was generally pursued until WWI, a good thing? What about Wilson's abandonment of it? Washington also mentioned America's homogeneity in his call for nonpartisanship. Is that relevant today? Explore at least two or three points.

I think you should rewrite it, and that it could use a little more time. Even if it's due tomorrow, it's only 9 in Idaho. 45 minutes will do wonders.
I normally get B+, or A- but then again I spend about 20 minutes on average on each essay lol.
When's it due? Please tell me you didn't do it at 6 PM the night before it was due.

When I was thirteen, I tended to do it at 6am the day it was due Cheesy
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« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2008, 01:10:38 pm »
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I do not believe George Washington’s vision for America came true and I am actually glad it failed. Our country may be partisan and religion may just be a personal issue, but still the nation is better off.

I think your thesis statement is factually wrong and a straw man. I think that, certainly in the context of the late 18th Century and even today, Washington's "vision" was not of a single unified nation, certainly on religion.  Washington's own religious practices were not particularly strong. 

I'd knock off points for that.
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« Reply #10 on: February 11, 2008, 07:25:28 pm »
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First off, I got an A+ on each of my last two persuasive essays, so I hope I know what I'm doing. Smiley

You should have actually read the whole address before writing the essay (I gather that you didn't). There are many points beyond the call for nonpartisanship. Was American neutrality, which was generally pursued until WWI, a good thing? What about Wilson's abandonment of it? Washington also mentioned America's homogeneity in his call for nonpartisanship. Is that relevant today? Explore at least two or three points.

I think you should rewrite it, and that it could use a little more time. Even if it's due tomorrow, it's only 9 in Idaho. 45 minutes will do wonders.
I normally get B+, or A- but then again I spend about 20 minutes on average on each essay lol.
When's it due? Please tell me you didn't do it at 6 PM the night before it was due.

When I was thirteen, I tended to do it at 6am the day it was due Cheesy

Today, I did my math homework (due in 4th period) in 2nd period. Smiley
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« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2008, 08:10:24 am »
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Lots of fluff. My history teacher would give this a 2.
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« Reply #12 on: February 12, 2008, 06:51:16 pm »
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Lots of fluff. My history teacher would give this a 2.

Out of?
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« Reply #13 on: February 12, 2008, 07:15:20 pm »
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Lots of fluff. My history teacher would give this a 2.

Out of?

4.

The IB students cry if they get a 3.
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« Reply #14 on: February 12, 2008, 07:25:58 pm »
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Lots of fluff. My history teacher would give this a 2.

Out of?

4.

The IB students cry if they get a 3.

Are you one of them?
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« Reply #15 on: February 12, 2008, 07:30:29 pm »
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I am in IB, but I''m not like them.
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« Reply #16 on: February 12, 2008, 07:31:13 pm »
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I've never really understood what IB's all about.
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« Reply #17 on: February 12, 2008, 07:37:06 pm »
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Smart people from outside the United States generally. If you get the certificate, it's recognized in 100+ countries.

Only Colonel By (public) and Ashbury (rich white kids in Rockcliffe Park) offer it in Ottawa. Colonel By is clearly the best.
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« Reply #18 on: February 12, 2008, 07:43:04 pm »
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Smart people from outside the United States generally. If you get the certificate, it's recognized in 100+ countries.

Only Colonel By (public) and Ashbury (rich white kids in Rockcliffe Park) offer it in Ottawa. Colonel By is clearly the best.

I'm assuming that that's your school.
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« Reply #19 on: February 12, 2008, 07:59:08 pm »
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Smart people from outside the United States generally. If you get the certificate, it's recognized in 100+ countries.

Only Colonel By (public) and Ashbury (rich white kids in Rockcliffe Park) offer it in Ottawa. Colonel By is clearly the best.

I'm assuming that that's your school.

O rly? How'd you guess?
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« Reply #20 on: February 12, 2008, 08:02:20 pm »
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Smart people from outside the United States generally. If you get the certificate, it's recognized in 100+ countries.

Only Colonel By (public) and Ashbury (rich white kids in Rockcliffe Park) offer it in Ottawa. Colonel By is clearly the best.

I'm assuming that that's your school.

O rly? How'd you guess?

Magic.
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