BREAKING: Jesus alive; "Heaven's swell"

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Jesus Found Alive in Nashville
Matthew Fisherman
AP

The city of Nashville was quite abuzz today with the news that Jesus, previously believed dead, was found alive. He appeared in a local deli climbing out of a large vat of giblets. The butcherman Ron Phillips was there and quickly called his fellow employees to witness the miracle.

"I was chopping up some mutton chops with my chopping knife when from behind me I heard a large sizzling sound. As I turned around to toss in some eyeballs the Lord was rising out of the vat. I was stunned," said Phillips. "What was more remarkable was that the vat was boiling, we were making giblet gravy."

Phillips said the Lord stated that he had appeared in the giblets looking for "brains." One of the packaging supervisors, Laura c**ntson, heard the commotion and ran into the kitchen. She was not surprised.

"This happens every couple of years - Jesus appears in our giblet gravy asking for brains on Easter Sunday. Usually we just turn up the heat until he begins decomposing again and don't think twice about it. But this time it was different."

c**ntson and Phillips said Our Lord and Saviour climbed out of the vat and, brushing away some discarded pieces of kidney, asked to use the restroom. They pointed him in the right direction and then called the police. The news crews followed.

When the Son of God came out of the bathroom he was clothed in a white robe and was not surprised to see the slew of journalists begging him to ask a question. He quieted the crowd and stated briefly that "Heaven's swell" and that "God is very busy so I'd appreciate it if you'd all just let me return to the gravy."