"Cordell for President" - Political Story (COMMENTS WELCOME)

[Dr. Cynic]

You need to learn industry standard. This is hard for me to read because it's not formatted like a screenplay, but more like a stage play. It also jumps around a great deal. You haven't really developed good characters or continuity.

[Dr. Cynic]

Lay off the sex scenes a little.

Uh...we're dealing with Mike Naso here.

Oh...I'm sorry, Phil. Let me add in this paragraph:

Newspaper headline reads "PA SENATOR IN HOT WATER OVER BEASTIALITY".

That better for you? It is a story...and I am insulted that people would make fun of me for writing it.

I actually didn't make fun of you, dude... As someone with a degree in screenwriting (as well as film direction and acting), I was offering some honest critique work. Like I said, you've got to learn industry standard, and the easiest way is to download a program or to go on the internet and read screenplays which are formatted. It'll help you.

Also, as I said, the story is still rather spasmodic. They are short, and some of them would be cut completely in RL, such as the recent BBQ scene. You've got to focus on creating coherent characters and settings, and until you can at least do that, it's difficult for me to read. I like your enthusiasm for it, I like the effort, and there have been a couple good moments... Build on that, and what I told you, and it'll make for a more compelling story.

[Dr. Cynic]

Lay off the sex scenes a little.

Uh...we're dealing with Mike Naso here.

Oh...I'm sorry, Phil. Let me add in this paragraph:

Newspaper headline reads "PA SENATOR IN HOT WATER OVER BEASTIALITY".

That better for you? It is a story...and I am insulted that people would make fun of me for writing it.

I actually didn't make fun of you, dude... As someone with a degree in screenwriting (as well as film direction and acting), I was offering some honest critique work. Like I said, you've got to learn industry standard, and the easiest way is to download a program or to go on the internet and read screenplays which are formatted. It'll help you.

Also, as I said, the story is still rather spasmodic. They are short, and some of them would be cut completely in RL, such as the recent BBQ scene. You've got to focus on creating coherent characters and settings, and until you can at least do that, it's difficult for me to read. I like your enthusiasm for it, I like the effort, and there have been a couple good moments... Build on that, and what I told you, and it'll make for a more compelling story.

What do you feel have been the story's best moments?

The last scene you wrote seemed to me a bit more thought out, Lose the part about going to the bathroom. also, the lead in to that scene was a poor choice... Never shoot from a sex scene to a scene like that, because it would probably throw viewer emotions off. Viewers need a gradual cool down. You portray Cordell very sympathetically, and to shoot to something where he seems ruthless again would just turn an audience off.

[Dr. Cynic]

The further in you get the story is becoming more interesting. A vast improvement from when you first started. (Still in need of format cleanup, but I suppose that can be done later, and a beginning revision)... Overall, becoming more interesting and the characters are becoming deeper and they're having meaningful engagement with one another and the audience.

Good job!

[Dr. Cynic]

The ending is a bit abrupt, although it does serve it's purpose... Overall pretty good effort.