Comedy Goldmine XI: The Atlas Forum Demilitarized Zone

[Mechaman]

I don't even know how humping the floor to do that would work.

It's...kind of hard to describe. Basically you have to scissor your legs to to produce forward friction. I don't recommend trying it if you aren't used to it, it would probably be pretty painful.

A rubber band?

I never knew that one in ten guys masturbated by rubbing their wang against the floor until that one time a few years ago when BRTD started talking about how hard he was trying to change his "style." Does anyone else remember that?

Wait, what?!

Floors are a bit too hard a surface. Mattresses on the other hand...

The German insult "Flachwixer" ("flatwanker"; flat as in a flat surface, not as in an apartment) refers to the practice.

I have done it on the floor before (though always with a towel underneath).

[Filuwaúrdjan]

The Hundred Years War, of course.

My great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather on my mother's father's father's mother's mother's mother's father's mother's father's father's mother's mother's mother's father's mother's father's father's mother's mother's mother's father's mother's side originally fought for the English side.  He was captured by the French, however, and later decided to fight for them anyway.

His wife (my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother) was caught feeding military food supplies to a black cat, and was subsequently burned as a witch.

All my other relatives died of dysentry.

[King]

The People's Republic of Comedy Goldmine

[Sensei]

Maybe you should tell your dad to start paying the bills.

[Kaine for Senate '18]

I have a bad feeling about this...


"ronld wilson regan steps in n saves teh day as an indapendent indnpadent inpendant (I).  He piks lloyd beinstein as running mte because he was a good ne for dukakis.  beinstien helpz reagan carrie DC.  ppl relize carter/mondle is to librul and ford/dole is too lame."

[Sensei]

ah, a reprisal of the "Lyod Benstein" running gag.

[RIP Robert H Bork]

Ladies and gentlemen of the Northeast (also AndrewCT, who is neither),

I make this announcement out of a sense of moral obligation—your governor is, perhaps, the worst person to have graced this game in the history of ever.  I call on my fellow citizens to rise up with pitchforks and torches, storm the voting booths, and then return home to safely extinguish and store said torches for later use.

STORM THOSE VOTING BOOTHS AND CAST YOUR BALLOT FOR MR. MODERATE AS GOVERNOR OF THE NORTHEAST.

AndrewCT is the worst ever and he makes me want to puke.  I would never make such a harsh claim without evidence.  As such, I submit:

(1) AndrewCT is weak on crime. Since AndrewCT has assumed the governorship of the Northeast, Xahar-related crime is up a staggering infinity percent. Where was our governor when Xahar was destroy the fabric of this game?  Out screwing whores, that's where.

(2) AndrewCT doesn't post. AndrewCT has been an almost entirely hands-off governor, with a surprising lack of posts between the hours of 2 and 6 AM.  There is only one possible excuse for this SHOCKING pattern of neglect:

(3) AndrewCT is a reverse vampire. Whereas regular vampires come out only at night, AndrewCT comes out only during the day. It is clear that our alleged governor spends his time between 2 and 6AM in a coffin, hiding from the lack of sunlight, and preparing for his next meal.  Will you be his next meal?  Will AndrewCT rape you before and after he kills you?  Yes and yes.

(4) AndrewCT causes cancer.  This fact is one of the most tragic.  Each year, millions of Northeasterners from all walks of life will come down with a form of cancer.  These people of different ages, ethnicities, and circumstances all have one factor in common—each and every single cancer patient in the Northeast has been exposed to several terms of AndrewCT as governor. And if that said cancer patient is a whore, AndrewCT probably screwed her.

(5) AndrewCT fucking hates you.  Spoken for truth.  Witness:

I fucking hate everyone in the Northeast. Especially you, the registered voter who is reading this right now. I hope you catch cancer, which I am fully capable of and readily take blame for causing.

(6) AndrewCT is probably gay.  Eww, gross.

(7) AndrewCT installed spyware on your computer. You thought you were getting Bonzai Buddy.  Nope.  Your computer is nothing more than the governor's circuit-loaded puppet, casting phantom ballots for creating death camps IN YOUR NAME.

I can't wait until all my political enemies have been put into death camps.  Especially after I give them all cancer.

PS you guys I think I'm gay.

( I twisted my damn ankle on the sidewalk outside the Panera Bread on Comm Ave in Allston, MA. Why hasn't that sidewalk been fixed, GOVERNOR?  Are you gonna get up off your ass and do ANYTHING?  What a worthless piece of crap.

(9) You can get a mount at level 20 now, not level 40 as AndrewCT illegally misleading signature suggests. AndrewCT is so out of touch that he hasn't even rolled a death knight yet.  What up with that, governor?  Too busy screwing whores to notice the change?

As you can see, AndrewCT is nothing more than a terrible whore-screwing reverse vampire who needs to be removed from office and probably banned from Atlas entirely.  For the protection of not just you, but your children.

Vote Moderate for Governor.  Or else.

[Kaine for Senate '18]

Okay, first of all. Just because we spent that one night together spooning DOES NOT mean I'm gay. As for the whores, you know I dont do that anymore. I just pick up random people who I like to believe are women on craigslist. You should know that.

 Second, I'm going wipe the floors with you in this election, want to know why? Because I'm a big guy, and I used to play football. I know what to do with you taxachusettes former romney republican types. So go ahead, bring it bitch!

 I WILL END YOU!

[Mechaman]

Ladies and gentlemen of the Northeast (also AndrewCT, who is neither),

I make this announcement out of a sense of moral obligation—your governor is, perhaps, the worst person to have graced this game in the history of ever.  I call on my fellow citizens to rise up with pitchforks and torches, storm the voting booths, and then return home to safely extinguish and store said torches for later use.

STORM THOSE VOTING BOOTHS AND CAST YOUR BALLOT FOR MR. MODERATE AS GOVERNOR OF THE NORTHEAST.

AndrewCT is the worst ever and he makes me want to puke.  I would never make such a harsh claim without evidence.  As such, I submit:

(1) AndrewCT is weak on crime. Since AndrewCT has assumed the governorship of the Northeast, Xahar-related crime is up a staggering infinity percent. Where was our governor when Xahar was destroy the fabric of this game?  Out screwing whores, that's where.

(2) AndrewCT doesn't post. AndrewCT has been an almost entirely hands-off governor, with a surprising lack of posts between the hours of 2 and 6 AM.  There is only one possible excuse for this SHOCKING pattern of neglect:

(3) AndrewCT is a reverse vampire. Whereas regular vampires come out only at night, AndrewCT comes out only during the day. It is clear that our alleged governor spends his time between 2 and 6AM in a coffin, hiding from the lack of sunlight, and preparing for his next meal.  Will you be his next meal?  Will AndrewCT rape you before and after he kills you?  Yes and yes.

(4) AndrewCT causes cancer.  This fact is one of the most tragic.  Each year, millions of Northeasterners from all walks of life will come down with a form of cancer.  These people of different ages, ethnicities, and circumstances all have one factor in common—each and every single cancer patient in the Northeast has been exposed to several terms of AndrewCT as governor. And if that said cancer patient is a whore, AndrewCT probably screwed her.

(5) AndrewCT fucking hates you.  Spoken for truth.  Witness:

I fucking hate everyone in the Northeast. Especially you, the registered voter who is reading this right now. I hope you catch cancer, which I am fully capable of and readily take blame for causing.

(6) AndrewCT is probably gay.  Eww, gross.

(7) AndrewCT installed spyware on your computer. You thought you were getting Bonzai Buddy.  Nope.  Your computer is nothing more than the governor's circuit-loaded puppet, casting phantom ballots for creating death camps IN YOUR NAME.

I can't wait until all my political enemies have been put into death camps.  Especially after I give them all cancer.

PS you guys I think I'm gay.

( I twisted my damn ankle on the sidewalk outside the Panera Bread on Comm Ave in Allston, MA. Why hasn't that sidewalk been fixed, GOVERNOR?  Are you gonna get up off your ass and do ANYTHING?  What a worthless piece of crap.

(9) You can get a mount at level 20 now, not level 40 as AndrewCT illegally misleading signature suggests. AndrewCT is so out of touch that he hasn't even rolled a death knight yet.  What up with that, governor?  Too busy screwing whores to notice the change?

As you can see, AndrewCT is nothing more than a terrible whore-screwing reverse vampire who needs to be removed from office and probably banned from Atlas entirely.  For the protection of not just you, but your children.

Vote Moderate for Governor.  Or else.

This is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever read on this website.

[Sewer]

Coburn on James Traficant:

there is only one good side to that scum bag being out.  It will make the news and it will remind Ohioans and many americans why dumbcRATs are the party of corruption

[Sensei]

Funny, I always thought Naso's fantasy was another September 11th.  Which also happens to be Xahar's.

I get it! Because Xahar is an Islam!

[True Federalist (진정한 연방 주의자)]

I get it! Because Xahar is an Islam!

Do you have to poor words when there already exists a word, Muslim, that means what you want your poored word to mean?

[Sensei]

I get it! Because Xahar is an Islam!

Do you have to poor words when there already exists a word, Muslim, that means what you want your poored word to mean?

No, but it's done with some other words, too.

[Kaine for Senate '18]

I'm not too crazy about it. I'll wait to judge though until I've heard it. I'm just thinking he'll try and promote his agenda, and will think that if we force kids to listen to me, they might end up liking me.

And then he'll win the all important 12-18 demographic in 2012 by 30+ points. I think you've figured out his game!

[○∙◄☻¥tπ[╪AV┼cVê└]

Wallace appeases liberals by selecting Henry "Scoop" Jackson as his running mate.

[Filuwaúrdjan]

FF is just a catch-all party whose ideology is Gombeenism.

[I spent the winter writing songs about getting better]

Funny yet true:

This is a hilarious photo on many levels.

It somehow manages to look like a cross between a summer outing to the big city and a fascist rally.

[Tetro Kornbluth]

FF is just a catch-all party whose ideology is Gombeenism.

That wasn't a joke. It's a fact. Any Irish person would agree, even FF voters.. .actually especially FF voters.

[RIP Robert H Bork]

JC doesn't understand that a Palestinian State is not a bad thing.  It is in Israel's best interests.

We've heard that enough times. JC is a racist in the Avigdor Lieberman mold.

For once you say something smart.

[Kaine for Senate '18]

If I had a boyfriend who looked like this:


I wouldn't be a virgin either.  Regardless of age or whether or not givin' it up was "Christian," y'all.

Ahem.

That turned me on. Hard.

[Alexander Hamilton]

Removed a communist from the White House. Major FF.

Echo this and add he's a borderline genius as that move showed

Genius enough to lose a crapload of sponsors?

cuz Sponsors really matter.

[Хahar 🤔]

Removed a communist from the White House. Major FF.

Echo this and add he's a borderline genius as that move showed

Genius enough to lose a crapload of sponsors?

cuz Sponsors really matter.

lol

[Bacon King]

Ok I was just looking over that map - apparently that's only around forty something states.  How many do you fellows count?  I think maybe 40 (yes Delaware is still a state).  So I'll say I'd make another 10 states out of small unique areas:

1) Harlem
2) The Bronx
3) Manhattan
4) Cambridge Mass
5) Austin TX
6) UC Berkeley
7) opebo
University of Michigan
9) Watts
10) George Soros

The state of George Soros would be the best, I think.

[Хahar 🤔]

opebo's atrocious Paint skills are amusing.

[Sensei]

If Dude Fest is so great, why couldn't they come up with a less homoerotic name?  Sounds like something Marokai Blue, Antonio, and Holmes (the gay triumvirate) would attend.