The Comedy Goldmine

[Swedish Rainbow Capitalist Cheese]

CTRattlesnake in all of these government shutdown threads:

[Ebowed]

Sorry. Not sure it is clear, I am 41.  I plan to retire when I am 45 once I finish building up my asset base.

Lazy, eh?

[opebo]

marriage is overrated, bushie.  in fact it is probably more soul killing than the doubles inks likes to work on weekends.

[Bleach Blonde Bad Built Butch Bodies for Biden]

They also probably think raising the debt ceiling is some kind of African American dance move akin to "Raise the roof."

[bore]

Some national mottos are funny or ironic, others are just silly or downright stupid. Here are a few:

Angola: República de Angola (Republic of Angola). Yeah, no sh**t guys, we get it. Your name is Angola and you're a Republic. It's like if our motto was 'Canada' That would silly, no?

Austria: formerly AEIOU, with one possible meaning being Austriae est imperare orbi universo (It is Austria's destiny to rule the world). Get over yourself kids. Should we bring up Austria-Hungary's war record?

Bahamas: Forward, Upward, Onward Together Almost as bad as some kitsch airline slogan. Try again kids.

Barbados: Pride and Industry. Industry in Barbados?

Belgium: Eendracht maakt macht, L'union fait la force and Einigkeit gibt Stärke (Unity gives Strength). Gold medal for irony.

Belize: Sub umbra floreo (Under the shade I flourish). Is Belize a flower shop or something?

Botswana: Pula (Rain). ... Now introducing Canada's new motto: "Snow."

Cape Verde: República de Cabo Verde (Republic of Cape Verde). Our motto will be our official name. That's really awesome, no? No.

Gibraltar: Nulli Expugnabilis Hosti (Conquered by no enemy). Read: Suck it, Spain.

North Korea: 강성대국 (强盛大國, Gangseong Daeguk) (Prosperous and great country). ...

Luxembourg: Mir wëlle bleiwe wat mir sinn (We wish to remain what we are). A tax haven.

Mozambique: República de Moçambique (Republic of Mozambique). Portuguese Africa: Unity in sh**tty Mottos

Nepal: जननी जन्मभूमिष्च स्वर्गादपि गरियसि (Mother and motherland are greater than heaven). Godless feminist liberals.

Ottoman Empire: دولت ابد مدت (The Eternal State). How'd that work out for you guys?

Panama: Pro mundi beneficio (For the benefit of the world). Check out our drugs guys - For the benefit of the world.

Portugal/Estado Novo: Orgulhosamente sós (Proudly Alone). A real neckbeard motto!

Prussia: Suum cuique (To each his own). Piss off.

Syria: وحدة ، حرية ، اشتراكية (Waḥdah, Ḥurrīyah, Ishtirākīyah) (Unity, Freedom, Socialism). Told you Assad was a True Leftist. Leave Assad alone guys

Rhodesia: Sit Nomine Digna (May she be worthy of the name). Nope, you weren't worthy of the name.

Any other good ones?

[Leftbehind]

Haha good read.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Posted in the Simple Truths thread as well. I found this darkly funny.

Really, he called himself "Dread Pirate Roberts"? Doesn't he remember what happened to him in that film?

Nah, he only mostly dies in the film.

I guess you could call life imprisonment "mostly dying".

[Leftbehind]

[Bleach Blonde Bad Built Butch Bodies for Biden]

"We're not going to be disrespected," conservative Rep. Marlin Stutzman, R-Ind., added. "We have to get something out of this. And I don't know what that even is."

Time for Obama to order to 234 tickets to the SuperBowl.

Meh, maybe some coupons for Subway.

He needs to woo the House Republicans right now, not Chris Christie.

[Sopranos Republican]

Inks, I'm 31 years old.  I know what I'm doing.  It's time you cease your haughty, prideful, arrogant, and condescending demeanor to someone who is older and wiser than you.

[🐒Gods of Prosperity🔱🐲💸]

This morning I woke up and I was like, "well, I could find out what's actually happening, but the availability heuristic is so much easier!" and then I watched tv.  Apparently a lot of people are sleeping with their identical twin's boyfriend these days

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

I’ve selected my three favourite, one each from different denominational tastes

EPISCOPALIAN

Oh My Lord

Words by - T. Ken Theepis
Arrangement by - Donna B. Sutch, A. Prude.

Oh my Lord, you are my Lord
Because I was brought up to praise you Lord
And if I wasn’t, then when I had a spiritual crisis Lord
I followed you as the culturally dominant faith Lord
So that I need not make a theistic choice Lord
Between competing beliefs that have similar claims of revelation Lord
Because that would be uncomfortable and require effort Lord
You are my Lord

Oh my Lord, you are my Lord
I believe you were the son of god my Lord
I’m not too sure about the tombs of Jerusalem bit Lord
When thousands of cadavers met their relatives Lord
It seems a bit far fetched but I can internalise it Lord
And accuse detractors of missing the finer points Lord
Besides there must be something out there Lord
It’s you my Lord

Oh my Lord, you’re my Lord too
I have internalised shame thanks to you my Lord
So I constrain my wife, close off my children Lord
From the wider world and other ways my Lord
I hate the gays, I hate the gays Lord
So I give blow jobs at gas stations and scrub myself till I bleed my Lord
For you my Lord

I’m the Lord, yes I’m the Lord
He’s a reflection of my worldview is Lord
He’s liberal Lord, He’s conservative Lord
He’s literal Lord, He’s figurative Lord
Like’s women Lord, wants them in the kitchen Lord
Likes gays my Lord, hates fags my Lord
He’s creation Lord, he’s evolution Lord
He’s white Lord, he’s black Lord
Though being Semitic, he’s probably neither Lord

Repeat ad nauseam.

MODERN HAPPY CLAPPY

Jesus

Copyright – Valley Song Destiny Ministry
(Minimum fee for performance: £250.00)

Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus

(five minute guitar riff)

Wave my hands for Jesus
Wear band tees for Jesus
Roll about the floor for Jesus!
BRTD will probably tell me the music is nothing like this (Oh Jesus)

(hand waving and general tittery)

Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus

(lights and f-cking whistles and sh-t so people don’t really hear what’s next)

We don’t tell you this for Jesus
We’re actually a huge ministry for Jesus
That helped pressure the government in Uganda for Jesus
To enact anti gay laws for Jesus

CATHOLIC

Prolixum
Anon.

Ego ture ac traditione
Mea, et pavete ad sacerdotum
Unde male dissimulare meum
Praeterea tradidit sermo facetus satis
Amen.


And yes this is a joke, a bit of humour and hopefully a cause for a little self reflection. I didn't of course choose a Quaker hymn for obvious reasons, besides they are pretty much amazing anyway because a little self reflection over mass participation seems to yield them very insightful and sensible results.

[King]

Oh, and I am starting to make plans for our first kiss!

[tik 🪀✨]

I haven't laughed that hard at something on here in a long time, thanks afleitch.

[© tweed]

I enjoyed this even though, or perhaps because, I was partially targeted.

stupid poll, assumes a metaphysics where 'religion' is clearly defined as one thing and not another.

What do you mean by this?

This is like the definition of this website. Tweed posting some postmodern sh!t and some libertarian 16 year old not understanding. I can't think of a more quintessentially atlas exchange.

[Paul Kemp]

The single funniest thing ever to appear on TV.

Well, we know who the biggest O'Toole is here...

[afleitch]

I haven't laughed that hard at something on here in a long time, thanks afleitch.

You're welcome. I'm glad you took it in the spirit it was intended.

[Filuwaúrdjan]

You're a very beautiful goat. Are you the P-GOAT?

[True Federalist (진정한 연방 주의자)]

Foreskins, goats, trips to 76+% Romney counties, the value of pee-stained retro chairs, and now god-is-great elephants.  Can it get any worse?

[Pheurton Skeurto]

A user named "cubfan" has created a thread titled "Disappointed."

In other news, water is wet.

[Joe Republic]

Barfbag makes some interesting points that should be considered as well.

[Bacon King]

O look another foreskin thread that's exactly what we need mmhmm yeah

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

The Rick Santorum ‘Make-a-Movie’

Steve/Joshua/Eli is a 34 year old war veteran/doctor/football star who is suffering from depression/alcoholism/drug addiction and has seen his life spiral into decline. His wife Carol/Amy/Mary a homemaker/stay at home mom/homeschooler urges him to seek help. While at church/mass/after church event, his wife prays for help and speaks to the priest/minister/pastor for guidance. Meanwhile her husband is too busy spending time with his buddy Abdul/Jose/Gaylord drinking and reading Harry Potter/Richard Dawkins/The Koran. His buddy has no concern for him and encourages his rampant behaviour. Steve/Joshua/Eli breaks down. Meanwhile at the local school a Muslim/homosexual/woman takes children hostage during the production of The Nativity/Joseph and His Technicolour Dreamcoat/Dinesh! A Very D’Souza Musical.

Steve/Joshua/Eli hearing of the disturbance and his families prayers for him, bursts into the auditorium and disarms the hostage taker using his army training/administering a sedative/kicking abilities and frees the children. He is a national hero. He goes to his wife for a loving kiss on the cheek/heterosexual handshake/side hug and thanks God.

The End.

[Enderman]

How do you vandalize Wikipedia?

....


Don't tell him.

[Pheurton Skeurto]

context:

"who are you and how did you get in my kitchen"