Talk Elections

General Discussion => History => Topic started by: Mechaman on December 21, 2011, 08:56:48 AM



Title: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on December 21, 2011, 08:56:48 AM
So I've decided to make a thread of election summaries for those interested.

Here we go:

1789: The first Presidential Election is held a few months later than usual and poses the first real question of American Politics: Who will be George Washington's Vice President?
1792: Despite strong opposition to Administration policies, George Washington wins yet another unanimous election.  However, President Sexy Ab's VP John Adams faces a tougher time, winning re-election to the Vice Presidency with 57% of the Electoral Votes.
1796: The first election worth a damn to pay attention to has a competitive (relative to the previous two at least) has Vice President John Fatboy Adams running against Former Secretary of State and slave boning champion 12 years running Thomas Flameboyant Jefferson.  Running off of the success of Washington's Presidency Adams wins the first contested election in American election and Thomas Jefferson goes back to inventing proto-elevators and failed business ventures.
1800: Adams puts into play the Alien and Sedition Acts (otherwise known as the "Megadouchebag Acts") and people get really pissed off!  The Democratic-Republicans send over James Madison to Thomas Jefferson's mansion to douse the hungover Jefferson with lukewarm smelly water.  Madison tells a very pissed off Jefferson that Adams made him do it because Adams thinks Jefferson is a Frenchie lover.  Jefferson takes an 18th century equivalent of tylenol and drinks lots of water before embarking on his quest to vanquish President Adams.  He and Aaron Burr kick Adams ass like a mentally deficient hobo with a drinking problem.  After mugging Adams Jefferson and burr get into a fight over who gets Adams Presidency card.  The Congressmen, under the influence of fancy pants Alexander Hamilton, decide to give the Electoral Votes to Jefferson.  Burr gets the Vice Presidency and spends the next four years smoking weed and writing hate mail to Hamilton.
1804: Burr gets pissed off at Hamilton and faces Hamilton in a "Gentleman's Duel".  At the duel Hamilton falls in love with Burr and decides to shoot the air instead.  Burr, staunch homophobe he was, gets even more pissed off and decides to shoot Hamilton in the nads because Burr "ain't gay like that!"  Jefferson, shocked and outraged at Burr's bitchy behavior, decides to smack Burr across the mouth and tell him it's over.  Jefferson's pals in the Democratic Republican Party nominate Governor George Sexy Abs Clinton of New York for Jefferson's VP.  The Federalists, still getting drunk and crying Niagara Falls tears over there beloved Hamilton's death, nominate What's His Face? and Who Did You Say? for President and Vice President respectively.  Surprisingly, President Thomas So Sexy He Bones Slaves Jefferson and Governor George Hotter Than the Devil's Crap Clinton win a massive landslide election.
1808: James Madison and George Clinton run for election.  What's His Face? is nominated again for the Federalist ticket.  Despite the mood being against the Democratic-Republicans the populace voted Madison and Clinton into office in a landslide because f*** What's His Face.
1812: James Madison gets into a pissing match with Great Britain.  The tall and handsome DeWitt Clinton, relative to Governor George Sexy Abs Clinton, runs in an opposition ticket of anti-war Democratic Republicans and Federalists.  Despite DeWitt's undeniable sexiness and tall stature, the midget fail Madison (DC burned under his watch!  DC Burned!  EPIC FAIL!) snatches a close election.
1816: After the Federalist Party punches America in the face in the middle of a knife fight with Great Britain, America votes in James TEH GREATEST! Monroe as President.  During his first four years as President America enters paradise and everybody loves each other (thus the Era of Good Feelings).  Not a bad thing is said about anyone and everybody loves each other.  Everything is so great that beautiful Sergio Leone film scores, evoking a tale of a mythical tale of an America that once was, can be heard in the background.  Bald eagles shed tears at the awesomeness of this era.
1820: James Monroe makes love to Darling America.  In the afterglow nobody runs for President as James Monroe goes on stage and says the ID4 speech (despite the lack of an alien invasion) and wins election unanimously.  Well, except for some dude in New Hampshire who cast an electoral vote for John Little Q Adams.

To be continued.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: FEMA Camp Administrator on December 21, 2011, 10:04:32 AM
You should be an historian. :)


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Dr. Cynic on December 21, 2011, 02:06:33 PM
So I've decided to make a thread of election summaries for those interested.

Here we go:

1789: The first Presidential Election is held a few months later than usual and poses the first real question of American Politics: Who will be George Washington's Vice President?
1792: Despite strong opposition to Administration policies, George Washington wins yet another unanimous election.  However, President Sexy Ab's VP John Adams faces a tougher time, winning re-election to the Vice Presidency with 57% of the Electoral Votes.
1796: The first election worth a damn to pay attention to has a competitive (relative to the previous two at least) has Vice President John Fatboy Adams running against Former Secretary of State and slave boning champion 12 years running Thomas Flameboyant Jefferson.  Running off of the success of Washington's Presidency Adams wins the first contested election in American election and Thomas Jefferson goes back to inventing proto-elevators and failed business ventures.
1800: Adams puts into play the Alien and Sedition Acts (otherwise known as the "Megadouchebag Acts") and people get really pissed off!  The Democratic-Republicans send over James Madison to Thomas Jefferson's mansion to douse the hungover Jefferson with lukewarm smelly water.  Madison tells a very pissed off Jefferson that Adams made him do it because Adams thinks Jefferson is a Frenchie lover.  Jefferson takes an 18th century equivalent of tylenol and drinks lots of water before embarking on his quest to vanquish President Adams.  He and Aaron Burr kick Adams ass like a mentally deficient hobo with a drinking problem.  After mugging Adams Jefferson and burr get into a fight over who gets Adams Presidency card.  The Congressmen, under the influence of fancy pants Alexander Hamilton, decide to give the Electoral Votes to Jefferson.  Burr gets the Vice Presidency and spends the next four years smoking weed and writing hate mail to Hamilton.
1804: Burr gets pissed off at Hamilton and faces Hamilton in a "Gentleman's Duel".  At the duel Hamilton falls in love with Burr and decides to shoot the air instead.  Burr, staunch homophobe he was, gets even more pissed off and decides to shoot Hamilton in the nads because Burr "ain't gay like that!"  Jefferson, shocked and outraged at Burr's bitchy behavior, decides to smack Burr across the mouth and tell him it's over.  Jefferson's pals in the Democratic Republican Party nominate Governor George Sexy Abs Clinton of New York for Jefferson's VP.  The Federalists, still getting drunk and crying Niagara Falls tears over there beloved Hamilton's death, nominate What's His Face? and Who Did You Say? for President and Vice President respectively.  Surprisingly, President Thomas So Sexy He Bones Slaves Jefferson and Governor George Hotter Than the Devil's Crap Clinton win a massive landslide election.
1808: James Madison and George Clinton run for election.  What's His Face? is nominated again for the Federalist ticket.  Despite the mood being against the Democratic-Republicans the populace voted Madison and Clinton into office in a landslide because f*** What's His Face.
1812: James Madison gets into a pissing match with Great Britain.  The tall and handsome DeWitt Clinton, relative to Governor George Sexy Abs Clinton, runs in an opposition ticket of anti-war Democratic Republicans and Federalists.  Despite DeWitt's undeniable sexiness and tall stature, the midget fail Madison (DC burned under his watch!  DC Burned!  EPIC FAIL!) snatches a close election.
1816: After the Federalist Party punches America in the face in the middle of a knife fight with Great Britain, America votes in James TEH GREATEST! Monroe as President.  During his first four years as President America enters paradise and everybody loves each other (thus the Era of Good Feelings).  Not a bad thing is said about anyone and everybody loves each other.  Everything is so great that beautiful Sergio Leone film scores, evoking a tale of a mythical tale of an America that once was, can be heard in the background.  Bald eagles shed tears at the awesomeness of this era.
1820: James Monroe makes love to Darling America.  In the afterglow nobody runs for President as James Monroe goes on stage and says the ID4 speech (despite the lack of an alien invasion) and wins election unanimously.  Well, except for some dude in New Hampshire who cast an electoral vote for John Little Q Adams.

To be continued.


You would be surprised at how close we are in terms of explaining Presidential elections. That's almost exactly how I explained them to Laura :P


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on December 22, 2011, 04:16:32 PM
1824: After everybody spent the last four years smoking weed and having promiscuous sex with each other, the nation suddenly realizes that there is like only one party left.  Well, the Federalists were still around but they were so weak by this time that all of their members could fit inside a Starbucks To Go and still have three tables left for hipsters to debate the philosophical context of Inception while high off of five rolls of paper bread.
What is paper bread you ask?  Well I say shut the hell up and listen to the rest of this story!  Do I look like friggin wikipedia to you?
Anyway, in late 1823 AD the Democratic Republican Party realizes that a repeat of the 1820 Election would be the Most F***Ing Boring Sequel Ever and then run at least a hundred or so candidates.  Due to a series of unfortunate events the candidate pool is reduced to four.  The following four were:

1. John Q. Adams of Massachusetts: Mostly well known for his bitchin hairstyles, John Q. Adams ran as the candidate of elitist blue blooded crouton eating grey poupon loving New England.  Strangely enough, he ran as a Democratic Republican, which is indication of just how elitist the fail party known as the Federalist Party really was.  If elected President he promises to raise tariffs by OVER 9000 and swim across the Potomac in the middle of winter BUCK NAKED and sex his lady up like a Christmas Tree immediately after swimming.  Everybody agrees that John Q. Adams, despite being the son of Fatboy, is a certified badass.  Mrs. Adams, most impressed with his sexual virilitility, condemns the manhood of the other candidates.  America agress.
2. Andrew Jackson of Tennessee: Runs as the candidate of backwoods inbreeded Appalachia Irish Scot-Irish America, Jackson displays a particular interest in shooting people.  It is estimated that his kill count is at least a hundred people.  Jackson, a the certifiably insane cider addicted jock-mick psychopath lunatic that he is runs a off of a campaign of virulent anti-elitism.  In layman's term he runs as the quintessential "f*** you!" candidate and promises to shoot any and everyone that comes in his way.  He also thinks that Adams is a f***ing freak bastard who doesn't understand the concept of "bigger is better".  Despite his campaign posturing, Mrs. Adams refuses to endorse Jackson in fears of his "Enormous Philosophy" being contaminated.
3. Henry Clay of Kentucky: Mostly well known for switching between the House and the Senate more than your unfaithful cheating sh*t of a father jumps between your mother and her floozy harlot of a best friend, Henry Clay is running as the Badass candidate.  While other candidates let others campaign for them door to door Clay takes it to the EXTREME! by actually campaigning in Congress about his American System!  Isn't that the most damned American thing you've ever heard?  The American System?  How can anybody beat that?  Oh wait.........
4. William H. Crawford of Georgia: The Tim Pawlenty of 1824.  I mean really who the hell was this guy and what was he notable for besides getting a stroke or some crap like that?  Pretty much his greatest appeal seemed to be (at least to the all knowing OP) that he wasn't the three other douchebags running for President.  Which, in hindsight, is a pretty good argument.

As a result Andrew Jackson wins the electio-Oh wait.........what is this?  The Election is deadlocked and goes to the House where the Moe-Rons decide that John I like to Bone In the Cold Adams is elected President.  A thousand thumbs up for shrinkage!


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: FEMA Camp Administrator on December 24, 2011, 01:28:09 PM
I really love this.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook on December 24, 2011, 03:49:29 PM
Me too. I wonder how he'll do 1860.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on December 26, 2011, 02:20:50 AM
1828: After a few years of sitting in the background drinking hard apple cider Andrew Jackson decides to run again on a platform of "F*** You Two: The Comeback".  His platform is more ambitious this time, emphasizing a disdain for the evil National Bank, the Great Creator of All Evil!  Elaborate cartoons portray the crazy as sh*t Andrew Jackson, with his old white hair and his frilly outfits, vanquishing a proto-Spaghetti Monster and people eat that sh*t up.  Feeling that isn't enough Andy Jacky also campaigns on expanding the vote to all white males.......yes even Alco (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irish_American)holics!!!!! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/German_American)
We were quite shocked.
Thus began the American tradition of trying to win the Dumbass Vote.
John Q. Adams campaigns on "man Andrew Jackson is a crazy psychopath".  Shockingly his message wouldn't resonate with the American people, who admittedly preferred getting shot at by a crazed proto-Redneck over John Q. Adams.  The loss was almost as abominable as the Tariffs he signed while President (hehehehe, get it?)

1832: Oh sh*t, where do I even start with this one?  (snorts white powder) Oh right..........after America elected Andrew Jackson they suddenly realized how crazy he was.  I mean my god, the American people were literally sh*tting themselves over who would President Jackson shoot next!  Better yet, many were more concerned about him defending a lecherous divorced woman!  Which was really horrible considering he spent his first term telling South Carolina and a bunch of Indians to go f*** themselves.
My god, there must be somebody who can stop this madman!
Oh wait......what's this?
It's our good old friend Henry Clay!  Candidate of the National Republican Party!  This time Clay expands his policies in the campaign, emphasizing an emphasis on internal improvements and congressional authority and sticking up for the poor lil bullied National Bank.  In short he campaigns on how much of a dick President Andrew Jackson is, which is kind of the point of political campaigns.  He promises if elected President he will lock up Andrew Jackson in solitary confinement before he shoots anymore people or commits more genocides.  In reality he was doing it to pay the mortgage.
And then there were some dudes who took votes as the "Nullifier Party" in South Carolina.  But hey South Carolina is gay, so who cares?
Last but not least, the Anti-Masons.  The only political party at the time who was willing to stand up the against the evil corruption and Baal worship of the hedonistic sodomites in the political establishment!  Gods be praised!  It's about time somebody stood up for America!
And in yet another logic defying moment America, presumably with the help of millions of dumbasses who now had the right to vote, voted Super Psycho Man "I like to brew and eat kittens" Andrew Jackson into the Presidency.
Again.
Psycho.
Gun happy.
Pot smoking.
Dumbass.
Jackson.
Winner.
Two Out of Three.
What.
The.
F***?
America?


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook on January 02, 2012, 11:08:04 PM
Keep it up!


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: FEMA Camp Administrator on January 03, 2012, 12:14:36 AM
You're actually making me like Andrew Jackson.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on January 03, 2012, 10:11:23 AM

I'll try to put up 1836 and 1840 up tonight.

I'll admit, between my alcohol, Skyrim, and Scorsese addictions it's kind of hard to keep up with this site lately.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on January 03, 2012, 03:12:20 PM
1836: After eight years of insanity Andrew Jackson decides to show great mercy to the American people and decline a third term.  Seeing this as an opportunity to free his people, the Flying Dutchmen, Vice President Martin Van Drunken Midget Buren runs for the presidency.  Despite the bee ba jeeba redneck retards protesting his nomination because he was a New York Democrat and oh noes them people gonna be taken our moneys for alcohol and elitism he manages to win the Democratic nomination.
In the wake of the dissolution of the National Republican Party, the Whig Party (otherwise known as Henry Clay's Drinking Buddies) was formed for the sole purpose of telling Andrew Jackson to go f*** himself.  Oh and something about funding Internal Improvements (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cocaine).
The Whig Party, being the vaguest party in American history, decided that instead of running a candidate for President they would run AT A HUNDRED because in the words of Henry Clay "f*** Jackson".
Frankly, I'm too drunk at the moment to recall who the hell were everybody who was running.  There might've been a sisterf***er in South Carolina going through his rebellious grunge phase who was running in South Carolina because everybody in South Carolina hated everybody not South Carolina.  Or maybe it was over gay rights?  Who the f*** knows what those people were doing anyway and why the f*** do you even care?  What do you think this is a thread over elections or some stupid retard sh*t similar that attracts the five second attention spans of hard-ons?
Jesus kid, go rent a comic or some sh*t.  Or at least have the damn decency to have change on you when using the city bus you bum.  No wonder why your father's ashamed of you.
The other Whig candidates were:

US Senator Daniel Webster: The nads on this hard-on man!  Thinking he's so coolcore because he has the same name as the ratf*** who invented the dictionary.  F*** him!
(takes a breath)
Sorry, it's been a real emotional day.  I just saw the Star Wars Blu-ray movies.  I don't know how I'm going to be able to pull through after today.  It's like my son died today.
Anyway, Daniel Proto-Moderate Hero Webster thinks he's so hard-oned and badass that he runs as teh Whig Candidate in Massachusetts.  Because f*** everybody else, that is how the Massholes do stuff.
US Senator Hugh Lawson of Tennessee: A former Democrat who was scared Sh*tless by the batsh*t insane Jackson, Hugh Lawson is running for the presidency because he's scared of batsh*t insane men becoming president.  Also, "F*** Jackson."
Former US Senator William H. Harrison: Some old fart who was popular for defending a fort back when the dinosaurs roamed the earth.  He was also a thousand and two f***ing years old, though I don't know how the hell that will help him when it comes to boffing the secretaries or what not.  For some reason the old f***in' fart was deemed cooler and more sexy than the Daniel "Hard-on" Webster and the northern wing of the party, absent the Massholes, got behind Harrison.  However, nobody remembers this campaign because he and the other three losers running on the Whig side weren't even cool enough to get a majority of EV votes against the Vice President of the psycho hillbilly who was President for the preceding eight years.
Man, what losers.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Antonio the Sixth on January 03, 2012, 03:44:53 PM
This thread is awesome. :) Keep it up !


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Jerseyrules on January 03, 2012, 07:00:47 PM
You're actually making me like Andrew Jackson.

How can you not like him? :O  He's a bigger badass than teddy!


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: FEMA Camp Administrator on January 03, 2012, 07:04:51 PM
You're actually making me like Andrew Jackson.

How can you not like him? :O  He's a bigger badass than teddy!

My history constantly pushes him, & I'm pretty sure he thinks either Jefferson or Jackson is our best President. My teacher's also a liberal democrat, go figure. Therefore, I'm obligated to not like him.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Jerseyrules on January 03, 2012, 07:35:10 PM
You're actually making me like Andrew Jackson.

How can you not like him? :O  He's a bigger badass than teddy!

My history constantly pushes him, & I'm pretty sure he thinks either Jefferson or Jackson is our best President. My teacher's also a liberal democrat, go figure. Therefore, I'm obligated to not like him.

True, but many Liberal Democrats like Ron Paul...would that change your opinion of him?  Judging by your new yellow colors, I don't think so ;). Btw how do they feel on you? ;)


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook on January 03, 2012, 08:49:10 PM
Elections I'm particularly looking forward too: 1860, 1864, 1960, 1876, 1888, 2000, all of FDR's elections, 1912, and 1920.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Jerseyrules on January 04, 2012, 01:49:26 AM
Btw this is great!


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on January 05, 2012, 10:33:43 AM
1840: At the beginning everybody and their grandmother was expecting President Van Buren to be the greatest president in history and to continue the legacy of Jackson.  However, once in office he started sucking awesomely bad because the economy did not like Martin Van Buren.  In fact Van Buren might be known as the first President in office who was even doing it wrong all four years in office.  Everybody and their grandmother, who were unemployed thanks to the damn Economy, the bastard, were mad at Van Buren and the Democrats for doing nothing to alleviate their pains.
Whig politicians, pulling a "hahaha I told you so", started blaming Andrew Jackson's elimination of the evil Second Bank as part of the problem because the Second Bank was actually America's friend and Andrew Jackson was just a dickhead who liked to steal lunch money and shoot people.  However none of them said that to Andrew Jackson's face in fear of getting shot (obviously).
By 1840 Martin Van Buren was still sucking mightily.  People were so pissed off they started referring to the President as "Martin Van Motherf***in Ruin".  In the great list of all evil things ever done to humanity Martin Van Buren's Presidency was almost as bad as the invention of trial lawyers.  Needless to say the Whigs were having a field day with the Administration.
Whig leader Henry Clay, having yet another mortgage he needed to pay off and seeing that he might actually have a chance in hell, runs for president.  But so does old ass William Harrison and some old fat general guy named Winfield Scott who is notable for being a general long before your drunk and devious jerk father took advantage of your innocent and vulnerable teenage mother behind the schoolyard all those years ago.  Man what a pervert!  There should be a law against what he did!  I never knew what she saw in that bastard papist child molester!  Damned Irish, fornicating ore dotters and stealin ore jobs!  And Democrats want these people to be able to vote?
Absolute madness says I!
(puts monocle on and smokes a long cigar)
Another problem for Clay was that he, being the very smart man he was, decided to hold the convention like a year before the election.  Which is great except for in December of 1839 people were too busy getting drunk and crying like little habeens about the economy to notice the convention.  I mean god, what an amateur.
As a result of people moaning and groaning about failure and with the lack of an electoral mandate that would come in the following Spring this left Henry Clay in the mode of fail.  After five ballots or so he would find himself losing to the apple cider drinking backwoods log cabin dwelling William Harrison who was loud and proud about being a country bumpkin and about losing his virginity to his beloved cousin Vera (social mores seem to relax a bit nowdays when it's out in low level Appalachia where the men romantically sex beavers in the belief that the resulting fur coat will be of high quality.  Yes, they even f*** what they kill down there).
Due to Harrison's ability to plead "NOT WITH THEM!!!" in regards to the disappointing House election of 1838 he was able to seize the momentum and once again prove that in the Whig Party there is nothing more sexy than being an old distinguished gentleman of military valor, and a he babeba proto-redneck who drinks apple cider like it's going out of style.  To give the ticket an air of sophistication and sexy the convention would nominate Virginian moderate hero John Tyler as Vice President.  Tyler, who was well known for going through his teenage rebellion phase and becoming a Whig "because all the cool kids were doing it", would prove to be a very fateful pick for Harrison.
The issue of slavery would turn out to be very important in this election as the Liberty Party was formed as a single issue anti-slavery ticket because the Democrats and the Whigs cared more about Law and Order reruns than they did about the slave issue.  This explains why, unlike any period in American history, that the 1840's-1850's are generally known as the "What the F***!" years in American history.
As a result of Harrison's nomination this would put the Democratic Party in the odd place of playing ELITIST BASTARDS! for the first time in electoral history.  Harrison, channeling a less psycho Andrew Jackson, came out portraying himself as the grand woodchucking, log cabin living, cider drinking, and patriotic American hero who is the man for you!  The man of the people!  Unlike that snobbish elitist bastard Van Buren, who was probably drinking chardonay and eating beet battered creme du layed grilled shrimp off of a shiny golden plate, at public expense no less, while Harrison went around the nation campaigning for the votes of uneducated beaver f***ers!  Talk about true dedication and love the American people!
This strategy of promoting the hard work ethic of the uneducated and inbreeded Harrison was able to portray himself as the Andrew Jackson, minus the psycho, over the evil elitist Van Buren (who, ironically, was Jackson's hand picked successor).  This distortion of images, with no regard of actual policies, was a very impressive win for those politicians who would seek to win based off the pure objective stupidity of the electorate.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Antonio the Sixth on January 05, 2012, 06:09:30 PM
I <3 you Mech.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Username MechaRFK on January 06, 2012, 03:30:34 PM


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on January 08, 2012, 03:42:18 AM
1844: Almost immediately after his three hour speech in the freezing cold rain William Harrison would go onto be the greatest president that ever lived.
Just kidding.  The dumbass kicked the bucket a month into office.  This would make him shortest Presidential term in office and the dumbest sack of sh*t that ever got elected into public office.  I mean damn what kind of moronic hardon makes a three hour Inauguration Address in the middle of a coldass hell rainy March day wearing no overcoat.  I mean really man?  How pathetic can one get!?
Well, as dumb as Harrison was in life he was even dumber in death.  As a result of dying in office his Vice President John Son of a Bitch Tyler became President after a certain amount of time of debate over exactly what the Presidential succession laws were.
Oh if only he were forced to stand for election.
Almost immediately into office John Tyler began to reach a level of selfish assholery only achieved by trial lawyers and used car salesmen.  His presidential motto was "f*** you and everybody else too!"  His level of jerkyness was so high that it made Andrew Jackson look competent and sane.  He was such a failure in office that his own party abandoned him a year into office and, despite not changing jack diddly sh*t, the Whigs were overwhelmingly thrown out of office in 1842.
As a result of his unpopularity and tendency to give everyone the finger the Whig Party sought to remove John Tyler from possible continuance by rallying behind their champion Henry Clay (who was stilli trying to pay the mortgage).  His Democratic opponent would be James Polk, some random former House Speaker who loved the idea of Manifest Destiny.  In other words, the idea of land gain turned James Polk on so there was more breeding room for rich white people to f*** each other silly like rabbits American citizens to expand their ideals of liberty and common justice.
Yes, I had no idea what the f*** I just wrote.  It seemed to sound cool like and all with the big words and bullsh*t codifiers but I thought I could get away with it.  Sadly, due to the fact that I don't understand half the sh*t I write (especially on college papers) this failed greatly.  It's almost as embarrassing as John Tyler's presidency.  I humbly and sincerely apologizing for trying to pull the metaphorical wool over your instruments of vision and sincerely bless your needs for fulfillment in reading this entry.
Henry Clay's campaign focused on one overarching theme unlike all other campaigns he campaigned on.  The theme was simply: "Who the hell is James Polk?"  Oddly enough Polk would pioneer the great electoral strategy of wearing a proto-mullet while running for president.  Many southerners, feeling a great sense of pride knowing that the Democratic Party approved of "business in the front, party in the back" overwhelmingly supported Clay for President.  Even the fact that he supported the annexation of drunken and murder happy Texas couldn't get in the way of his surge to victory.
Well, the fact that the Liberty Party stole votes from the dull as hell "I couldn't win a Presidential election against Hitler" Henry Clay who mostly shut the f*** up for most of the campaign.
Henry Clay, realizing he would never pay off his mortgage, drowned his loss getting drunk off of OceanSpray Cranberry Juice.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Cincinnatus on January 08, 2012, 02:30:19 PM
You're actually making me like Andrew Jackson.

How can you not like him? :O  He's a bigger badass than teddy!

I don't think so.



Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Antonio the Sixth on January 09, 2012, 04:58:19 PM
I want this continued !


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Fuzzybigfoot on January 09, 2012, 08:33:17 PM


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on January 09, 2012, 08:40:33 PM

Sorry for the delay.

I'm a little toked right now.

I'm much better at coming up with this stuff when I'm drunk.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on January 10, 2012, 06:28:35 PM
1848: President Polk's tenure in office would be very successful with many achievements unlocked during his Presidency.  While President he managed to kill a bunch of Mexicans while conquering the entire present day American Southwest (which is a hell of a lot better than how far I got in Risk before realizing that it's 1:30 in the morning and just saying "f*** this sh*t" and suicide attacking everybody and their grandmother in the hopes of making it all end), waved his dick at Great Britain to gain split ownership of the Oregon Territory (making him the father of the Marijuana Belt), passed the Walker Tariff Bill that would drastically reduce tariffs enough for your cheap stinkin drunk bog bastard of a father to buy enough cheap Chinese opium to get entire Southern states high.  God I can't stand him!  I don't know what our Jane saw in that drunken simian cretin, with his creepy smile and his constant drinking.  You see the way that alcoholic looked at your cousin at Thanksgiving?  No, I'm talking about Robert, you know the one who just finished fifth grade?  Man what a sick bastard.  I just hope when you grow up you don't inherit the dirty papist tendencies of your father.  My god, he hasn't touched you has he?  HAS HE?
(passes out)

An Emergency Message from MechaHistory:
It is with great regret that we inform you that Winfield R. Hastings, our long time esteemed narrator of this series on Presidential Elections has died from a heart attack brought on by the realization that, despite being born in 1775, he was somehow being written into a History thread by Mechaman.  The shock of this realization, coupled with his stunned disbelief that his imaginary grandson no longer existed and that this country was now being run by Jew Bears was too much for him to bear.  We apologize for this tragic event that you all have witnessed while reading this thread.  In his stead we have nominated the one man who we think can continue his legacy, his son-in-law Daniel "Danny Boy" Killeran O'McGuinnessesy

Good riddance.  Oh I mean (takes a drink) god rest his soul!
Anyway....where the hell were we again?
..........
Oh right.
Along with his successes with the Walker Tariff, an act of great freedom and prosperity for good, honest, and wholesome Americans like meself, President Polk also had a few other successes.  Namely his establishment of a treasury system.  What the hell is that I don't know it just says that on Wikipedia and these foggets only gave me a pre-written script to read from.  What you think I actively study this foggy shat?  Jaysus kid, who do you think I am, your grandfather?
Oh wait I can't be, because your grandfather is dead!  Oh snap, crackle, POP!  IT'S A MICHAEL JORDAN TOUCHDOWN!!!!
Oh too soon?  Too soon?  Alright, I'll wait until Christmas to say that one from now on.
Polk, during his four years of presidency, also got to see the opening and groundbreaking of every national monument and naval academy ever making him possibly the sexiest 1 term President in history.  Yes in his four years in office James Polk would accomplish a lot more than John Failtard Tyler accomplished in his entire life.
Anyway, back to the elections.
In 1848, living up to his promise not to run for re-election, Polk would stay in da House and drink limon martinis while the Democratic and Whig Parties were scouting out for candidates to run in the General Election.  Knowing that in this period of intense American heart throbbing Steven Seagalesque nationalism the two parties would go out of their ways to nominate the sexy general Zachary Taylor as their candidate.  Because as we all know by now Americans certainly do love themselves a good GI Joe with flowers.  After being spurning off the advances of Democrats Taylor would receive a love letter from Daniel Webster, who promised to "surrender his heart, body, and soul....this day I promise you" or some foggy bullsh*t like that.
Hey, why else would they refer to themselves as the "Whig Party"?  Am I right?!  Or am I right!
No wonder your cretinous possibly closeted homosexual grandfather loved them!  He liked many a queer thing did he!  My god, the bastard put me in his will to receive his Yanni collection for god's sake!  I felt so tormented, so carsed I had to burn it as a sacrifice to the Virgin Mary and then pray the Loard Jesus for forgiveness for defiling me hands with his defilement!
Oi, me hands!  Oi wish oi could cut them off!  What carses before me eyes will bring next!  Besides massage parlors who don't even have the decency to leave me with a happy ending!
Tell your mother I was only joking about the massage parlors.
Anyway, on the Democratic side the party would nominate some dude named Lewis Cass who wouldn't be real memorable for anything except being the nominee in 1848.  Frankly all I remember him for was that his daughter had a nice little arse that she liked to show off to us lower east side fellas for some free China.  Actually, she probably would've been the better candidate for the Democratic Party, considering that she is totally for all white men!
(snickers)
Some Democrats, mostly closet cases I speculate, weren't so happy about Cass being nominated for President.  After all Lewis Cass was like the Tim Pawlenty of 1848 and probably was chosen by the Democratic Convention after they lost a drinking contest to Charles Sumner.  However there were those who would bolt the convention in protest of supposed pro-slavery leanings of Lewis, the Senator from Michigan.  What the hell would he enslave up there?  Moose?
Anyway, the so-called "Free Soil Party" would rally around the idea of opposing the spread of slavery into the western territories and standing against the evil evil "slave power" that was pushing the issue of slavery out of the minds of the voting public by the corrupt two party Masonic hierarchy.  This would explain why elections from 1836-1856 are generally referred to as the "That Election Era".  To up the sexy meter of nominees the Free Soil Party would nominate former President Martin Drunken Dutch Van Buren for President and Charles Bitch My Last Name is Adams for Vice President.  With two such prominent names on the ticket they would hope to capture and awe the nation with their high principles against the further spread of the corrupt and evil and Kmart shopping "Slave Power" elites.
But alas, as summer turned to fall the efforts of the heroic Free Soil Party would be in vain as they captured only ten percent of the vote.  However, the effects of the ticket could be felt in the general election as the Whigs barely eeked out an election victory of 47.5% over the abysmal Democratic ticket nobody remembers.
And so Zachary Taylor, the sexy military god figure he was, would be elected President and like his predecessor William Harrison would oversee four years of prosperity and greatness!

Oh wait................


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook on January 19, 2012, 12:41:03 AM
Were you too busy or did you forget this?


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on January 19, 2012, 06:51:49 AM

Busy.

I had like 30 hours of work (plus going back to college, ughhh) over the past week and for some reason my biological clock clocks out around 10pm now (uhhh I hate getting old).  But hey, at least I wake up at 5;30 now and have like four hours to get the homework I was supposed to do the night before done in the morning.

I'll probably have another update up sometime this afternoon, if I don't decide to finally get the two measly hours of community service done at the regional food bank this evening.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: FEMA Camp Administrator on January 19, 2012, 06:58:37 AM
I really would like to see what a full four (eight?) years of Zachary Taylor would be like.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook on January 19, 2012, 11:53:15 AM

Busy.

I had like 30 hours of work (plus going back to college, ughhh) over the past week and for some reason my biological clock clocks out around 10pm now (uhhh I hate getting old).  But hey, at least I wake up at 5;30 now and have like four hours to get the homework I was supposed to do the night before done in the morning.

I'll probably have another update up sometime this afternoon, if I don't decide to finally get the two measly hours of community service done at the regional food bank this evening.

I feel your pain.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Antonio the Sixth on January 19, 2012, 02:05:23 PM

Busy.

I had like 30 hours of work (plus going back to college, ughhh) over the past week and for some reason my biological clock clocks out around 10pm now (uhhh I hate getting old).  But hey, at least I wake up at 5;30 now and have like four hours to get the homework I was supposed to do the night before done in the morning.

I'll probably have another update up sometime this afternoon, if I don't decide to finally get the two measly hours of community service done at the regional food bank this evening.

I'm 18 and I've been waking up at 11-12 for more than a week. :P


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on January 24, 2012, 05:04:04 PM
Okay, I'm drunk again so I'll try a go at this with 1852:

1852: Once elected into office Zachary Taylor tried really hard to follow in the footsteps of his Whig predecessor William H. Harrison in the great Realm of Stupidity.  Taylor would fail epically, only finally accomplishing his wish of dying in the most horrifically imaginably stupid way possible a year and a half into office instead of a month into office like the Great Master of Stupidly Killing Oneself William Harrison.  For his failure at achieving the Harrison level of stupidity, as well as being so dull and unmemorable by at least 99.99999991% of the total American population (well to be fair most of them are pathetic sad motherf***ing sods who think Iraq is literally another Vietnam on geography map tests) Zachary Taylor is commonly nicknamed "King Fail Supreme" by the 4 people on Atlas Forum who actually make the effort to glance at his wikipedia page for more than five minutes.
In his place Mallard Fillmore would become president.  Besides being a f***in' duck who made satirical statements with a smugf** look on his face that made him look like a cross between a greedy Jewish stereotype and an asshole version of Daffy Duck, Fillmore is fondly remembered as being an assholing asshole of a an asshole President who assholishly pissed off every assing asshole American asshole citizen that ever assholingly lived in the 18asshole50s.  One of the ways he did that was by having his spine surgically removed as to avoid pissing off people who hated his guts.  Ironically, this failed epically as his opponents secret fantasized about taking his spine out for a $15 prime steak at Tony Roma's.
Fillmore's term in office was so unremarkable that Mechaman didn't even bother to look at wikipedia for the usual descriptive prologue to the 1852 Election.  This is because, unlike Jackson, Fillmore didn't bother shooting people to death and thus becoming an American legend in the process.  However, unlike Tyler, Fillmore was such a failure that he even failed at being a failing failtard of a failed president.  In a way he was perhaps the first extremely unremarkable president: THE HEIGHT OF MEDIOCRITY!
Anyway, the Election of 1852.
Sorry?  What was that?
The 1852 Presidential Election.
Wait.....there was a presidential election in 1852?  Why is it that nobody remembers it?
(pulls out cheat sheet)
Oh right.................that one.
1852, the first election where nobody and their mother gave a sh*t about!
The Whig Convention, being the most exciting moment in US History from 1852-1856, saw a bitchfest between various factions in the Whig Party that were pissed off at each other.  Mallard Fillmore, being both a f***ing duck and an asshole, was widely rejected from his own party (much like his predecessor John Tyler) and ended up being carried out of the Convention by his wife who was the Women's Benchpress Champion of 1850 and 1851 (and would go on to be the winningest Women's Benchpress Champion in American history, winning from 1850-1869, thus scaring the tits off of Ulysses S. Grant AND George McClellan).  After everyone said the traditional "F*** the duck!" bit the convention got heated between various factions, particularly over slavery.  In the end the convention nominated proto-moderate hero What's His Name? to the presidency.  Some whig politicians, particular Daniel Hardon Webster, the King of All Overrated Massachusetts Politicians, bolted and ran on their own tickets promoting sh*t I don't know what.
On the Democratic side of things the people were too busy drinking and playing cards to notice anything going on.  Frankly, after the previous four years Democrats were too high to give a sh*t about anything that was going on in the past four years and were too busy debating the merits of Fight Club to really give a damn about issues like slavery.  The most drunkedest of these was Franklin Pierce, who spent most of the convention getting his diamond polished down to a fine salt by his wife.  Aww yes, times were much happier for the Pierce family before the damned presidency.
Whoops.........sorry about that.  Looks like I looked at the next page on the script.  Anyway........
Anyway, after the rest of the Democrats decided "f*** this Risk like political convention, it's 5:30 in the damn morning and I'm just going to attack everybody and get the sh*t killed out of me" Franklin Pierce, another proto-moderate hero from sexy New Hampshire, won the presidency...err I mean became the Democratic nominee for President.
The General Election campaign would be one of extreme apathy and people not giving a sh*tting sh*t about the sh*tting sh*tdamn of an election.  Franklin Pierce himself would walk out onto the balcony of his motel shirtless, while his wife walked up behind him and gave him a nice "love nestle", and make a few words about how much of a strong draft was coming in from the southwest.  The comments would earn Pierce a remarkable lead over Winfield Scott, who almost forgot who he was after blacking out after eating some sugary French Toast at IHOP.
Besides getting laid more Pierce also benefitted greatly from the general apathy of the election as people started perceiving Winfield Scott as a "old fatass version of Franklin Pierce".  Due to the unspectacular nature of the election Pierce would end up winning a landslide electoral election.  As a result Pierce would become the first (and perhaps only) person who won a landslide election despite nobody giving a sh*t about him.
Not surprisingly he turned out to suck epically.
Whoops.  Too soon.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: FEMA Camp Administrator on January 24, 2012, 05:33:06 PM
Part of me wants to save the word "brilliant" for something more, well, brilliant, but I'll say it. this is brilliant.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Antonio the Sixth on January 26, 2012, 10:34:36 AM
Part of me wants to save the word "brilliant" for something more, well, brilliant, but I'll say it. this is brilliant.

Does "magnificent" work ?


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Antonio the Sixth on February 06, 2012, 04:50:23 AM
Don't let this die !!!!


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on February 06, 2012, 08:15:34 AM

There'll be an update up later when I've had a few drinks in me.

I've come to the conclusion that I can't do this 100% sober.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: FEMA Camp Administrator on February 06, 2012, 08:10:21 PM

There'll be an update up later when I've had a few drinks in me.

I've come to the conclusion that I can't do this 100% sober.

Well get on with it!


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on February 06, 2012, 08:12:18 PM
1856:

Eh, Franklin Pierce's tenure in office was.....well, special.
And by special I mean he failed epically.
Franklin Pierce was such a major epic failure that the Gods refused to kill him while in office, so he would have to face the penalty of unpopularity in office and the inability to sexual please his wife like the weakened, pathetic, battered excuse of a man he really was.
I mean really, where do I even begin?  From writing up plans to invade Cuba to renewing the debate over slavery by siding with the douchebag brigade on the Kansas-Nebraska Act, critics agree that Franklin Pierce's presidential term is "so excruciatingly bad it makes you want to kill your grandmother with a dull pencil" and other miscellaneous sh*t like that.
And thanks to that douchebag and his douchey douche decisions the emphasis on the slavery issue, once dormant, now came bursting to the forefront like a naked serial rapist bursting through an all girls orphanage with a bit of a heroin induced hay fever.
But whatever the critics may say of Pierce, he would be forever be known as a man who deeply loved his wife by moderate hero historians who couldn't think of a single successful thing he did as President.
Anyway, given Pierce's level of fail his Democratic Party would suffer a huge defeat in the 1854 Congressional Elections.  In this election the so-called Opposition Coalition that consisted of the Whig Party and two new parties: the Republican Party, which was opposed to the so-called "slave power", and the Know Nothing Party.....who are probably some of the biggest douchebags in the history of American politics.  This latter party, the Know Nothing Party, was like the Tea Party of the 1850's: staunchly nativist (ie assholes) and outraged at the state America had come to after being ravished by the evil German Hibernian hordes that defiled it hence for the past several decades, the "Americans" would reach prominence by appealing to the disgust of loyal White Anglo Saxon Protestants and other "native borns" at the closet popery of the Democratic Party.
Many clapped and cheered as the restoration of America's traditional values became a reality.
IN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION OF 1856!  THE GREAT ONE!  THE MOST PIVOTAL ELECTION IN AMERICAN HISTORY!
Well, until 1860 that is.
Anyway, the Democratic Party was left at a critical disadvantage going into the 1856 Presidential Election with President Failtard at the helm.  Almost immediately, sexy proto-moderate hero Stephen A. Douglas jumped into the fray against the little wanker bastard to take the helms of the party back into moderate hero greatness like it's ancestor party the Democratic-Republicans did under James teh Abs Monroe.  Once again America would retire to bed with greatness and Sergio Leone films scores, beautiful film scores that evoke a memory of an America that once was and ever will be, would play in the backgrounds of Brooklyn.  I mean, hell the only other person who was running was that Gayes Buchanan, I mean James Buchanan.
Wrong, apparently the famously eccentric James Buchanan had a gay old time with the delegations and managed to gain the confidence of the Democratic white male voters.  There was a lot of wringing of the hands to gain Buchanan the nomination, so to speak.  Tensions were on a boiling point....about ready to explode all over the place.  In the end, to the great delight of the Pennsylvania delegation, James Buchanan made it through the night as his opponents succumbed to his might.  To soothe over the big Southern boys the Democrats would nominate John Breckenridge of Kentucky, who had just graduated from the eighth grade.  The Democrats would soothe his anger by promising that the Vice Presidency was much cooler than Sunday Morning Political Cartoons.
The American Party, decided that it had to get real for this sh*t, decided to pool it's very best and brightest white protestant candidates to combat the evil Papist scourge that was threatening to destroy everything held dear by White Anglo Protestant Pilgrim Brahmin America.  But first things first they needed to address the issue of slavery, which they regarded with a certain interest as one man watches a steaming pile of sh*t in a field of cows.  In other words, they decided to go uber moderate hero on the issue of slavery as it was nothing but a boner killing issue that would divide the party and thus leave it wide open to attack from borderline socialist radical loony bin radical abolitionist Republicans who would then pervert the movement of defending traditional Americanism with one that would make all white men slaves to a mammoth welfare state at the behest of the Roman Pope and his freedom hating armies via the Democrats, who as we all know, are a bunch of potato eating alcoholics who would sell their own sisters for a piece of nice ass and five hundred more votes!
In other words, they nominated Mallard Fillmore as President.  Yes, who better than some smug-ass duck bastard to lead the armies of Protestant America into battle in the Election of 1856!  I fail to see how this could be nothing less than the greatest triumph in the history of politics as a failed Duck president comes back from a four year absence to restore America to true greatness!  Hallelujah praise the true lord!
The Republican Convention would be a completely different story.  Considering that the party was formed in opposition to the Kansas-Nebraska Act, the Convention would be a bunch of back country white men complaining about how the evil Slave Power is threatening American Democracy and sh*t like that.  Seriously, that's all the Republicans ever talked about in 1856 was "Slavery! Slavery!  Slavery!" like it was the f***ing Black Plague or something.  I swear to god a few of them were foaming at the mouth whenever somebody even so much as mentioned Kansas Nebraska Act.  Like the words themselves released an inner demonic being within Republicans that wished to seek out and destroy every southern landowner and give their oppressed slaves a bunch of free hugs!
Strawman much, asshole?
Okay fine, I admit they did talk about a few other things.  Like congressional sovereignty in the territories and being extreme moralists about men getting their dicks wet in Utah.
You aren't talking about their opposition to polygamy, right?  Wait till that feminist art chick you slept with hears about this you misogynistic bastard!
My goodness sorry.  Man you got such a bulb up your arse don't you?  Just shut up and let me finish.
F*** you Mecha.  You are a sexist asshole with possible slavery sympathies.  Please go kill yourself and stop torturing us with this so-called "Presidential Elections Series".
You made bro?
Anyway, the Republicans came out into their convention flush with sexual confidence that they would be able to return AMerica to the way it was meant to be!  That after their election into office they would ascend the throne of heaven and would truly be known as the party of equality.  The party of freedom.  The party of opportunity.  The party of......jesus this is starting to sound pretentious.
The Democratic Party was full of pro-slavery racists and moderate heroes with no balls.  The Know Nothing Party was full of psycho nativists and slavery moderate heroes with no balls.  That means they both suck and are insane.  Vote Republican.
At the Republican Convention the party would settle for former California Senator John Fremont, who is known for his ravishingly proto-Hugh Jackman good looks and being so radically anti-slavery that he made it a point to shoot at least one white slave owner on his way to work everyday.  He was like Andrew Jackson, for black people.  Also, some guy from New Jersey was chosen to be the VP nominee.
As the election season came upon the nation it became clear that the election would favor the Democrats who were running in all states of the nation.  However, the Republicans would have a strong ground game in the heavily anti-slavery north where they capitalized on the opposition to slavery and the Kansas-Nebraska Act.  Surprisingly, Fremont's "f*** the South" strategy would have dividends, as he would perform very strongly in traditional "f*** the Democrats" strongholds like Vermont and Massachusetts in the days leading up to Election Day.  They would focus extra hard on the slave power issue, contending that the Democrats and their slave holding allies would overturn Democracy in order to preserve their conglomeration of proto-corporate power and influence over the American government.  This message was really strong with proto-latte liberals and organic fair trade cow farmers and what not, but didn't go over that well at all down South.  The Democrats would charge the Republican Party was full of people so radical that if elected it would result in the quick secession of various Southern states and the overturning of the 1st Amendment in favor of an official government religion of Rastafarianism.  The Know Nothing Party.......................................I think they ran on a "ALWAYS LAST MINUTE NEVER LAST PLACE!!!" platform.
Well, the Know Nothing Party succeeded in that they came in at third place over the dozens of fourth place losers.  But still though, considering that they had that f***ing duck bastard running it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone with an above room temperature IQ that the party was shot deader than a Dodo bird because of the overdose of moderate heroism displayed by their candidate.  The Republican Party, despite campaigning like a bunch of Coexist t-shirt wearing Whole Foods employees in 1856, managed to win most of the North minus Pennsylvania, Indiana, and Illinois.  New Jersey, being the fifth circle of hell, doesn't count as part of the North for all intents and purposes.
And despite being an old fartbag who is a little bit light in the boots and the choice of the party of President Failtard, Buchanan managed to be elected to the presidency with a commanding margin.  This would make Buchanan the first President elected into office despite being widely despised by everyone (including his own party) simply because the other two choices looked insane.  Making him kind of a proto-Edwin Edwards if you will.
James Buchanan would surprise us all and become the greatest president of the United States since George Washington, thus restoring our national confidence and ending the conflict over slavery for good.

EDIT: :p


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: FEMA Camp Administrator on February 06, 2012, 08:22:48 PM
The GOP won Ohio, they lost Indiana as I recall.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Antonio the Sixth on February 07, 2012, 12:36:12 PM
That's getting more and more awesome every time. :)


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook on February 08, 2012, 12:17:27 AM
When we get to the Guilded age, could you go back to doing short, two-three sentance summaries? Since you can only do this while drunk, and there are many elections left, I don't want you to die as a result of your drunkenness.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on February 08, 2012, 07:15:11 AM
When we get to the Guilded age, could you go back to doing short, two-three sentance summaries? Since you can only do this while drunk, and there are many elections left, I don't want you to die as a result of your drunkenness.
No offense man, but that's just ridic.

I don't write this sh*t drunk, otherwise my entries would be a "I love you George Washington" instead of the buzzed ramblings you've seen so far.
This may shock people but some people can have a couple of beers and not be drunk but at the same time not be 100% sober.

And as for your whole doing short two-three sentence summaries?  Man I don't decide to write these large ass summaries, they just happen.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: FEMA Camp Administrator on February 08, 2012, 04:03:28 PM
Given how you tend to write and what you focus on, when we get to the election of "Rum, Romanism, and Rebellion", it should be great. :D


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Jerseyrules on February 17, 2012, 03:50:51 PM
You're actually making me like Andrew Jackson.

How can you not like him? :O  He's a bigger badass than teddy!

I don't think so.


Then U r wrong


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Jerseyrules on February 17, 2012, 04:13:34 PM
I really would like to see what a full four (eight?) years of Zachary Taylor would be like.

No one really knows.  He was kind of a Whig in name only, spurning efforts to establish a third national bank and raise tariffs.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Jerseyrules on February 17, 2012, 06:27:17 PM
Just wondering if that's your real opinion of Millard Fillmore.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on February 17, 2012, 07:57:45 PM
Just wondering if that's your real opinion of Millard Fillmore.

Nah, my real opinion is more moderate hero.

Considering how bad the presidents around him were, he's not really that bad of a president.  His run as the Know Nothing candidate is a pretty black mark in my book, but considering that a lot of former Whigs joined the party mostly out of a "f*** Pierce" motivation it's not that bad of a factor.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: FEMA Camp Administrator on March 01, 2012, 07:03:23 PM
On a somewhat late note, John Quincy Adams is awesome.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Antonio the Sixth on March 03, 2012, 05:54:28 AM
Mechaman should get drunk more often. ;)


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Jerseyrules on March 08, 2012, 12:36:30 AM
Just wondering if that's your real opinion of Millard Fillmore.

Nah, my real opinion is more moderate hero.

Considering how bad the presidents around him were, he's not really that bad of a president.  His run as the Know Nothing candidate is a pretty black mark in my book, but considering that a lot of former Whigs joined the party mostly out of a "f*** Pierce" motivation it's not that bad of a factor.

Couldn't have said it better myself ;).  I really hope you don't let this die; you better get really loaded for 1860 ;)!


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: politicus on March 14, 2012, 09:13:04 AM
Funniest thread on the forum. Hope it isn't dead.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Jerseyrules on March 14, 2012, 10:15:19 PM
Funniest thread on the forum. Hope it isn't dead.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Antonio the Sixth on March 15, 2012, 05:34:44 PM
Yes, please keep this alive !


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on March 22, 2012, 08:38:32 AM
Spoiler Alert:

I've been working on the 1860 Election on and off for the past week or so.  I got it saved to a Word document and I hope to get it done by week's end.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Antonio the Sixth on March 22, 2012, 12:21:58 PM
Wow, you're starting to take this stuff seriously it seems... ;)


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Jerseyrules on March 22, 2012, 08:56:50 PM
Spoiler Alert:

I've been working on the 1860 Election on and off for the past week or so.  I got it saved to a Word document and I hope to get it done by week's end.

Hope so.  ;):D


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on March 29, 2012, 03:14:27 PM
Finally!  It has come back!

Election of 1860:

I'm not even going to bother with James Buchanan?
Why?  Because the man is the definition of a pure failure.  James Buchanan failed so hard that he was like a proto-Herbert Hoover: Moderate Heroes constantly moan about how misunderstood he was and how he was really a good gay guy inside and that his bad term in office was due to the actions of predecessors.  Which is a really lame way of saying "this guy f***ed up so badly it's embarrassing so we are trying to create an alternate reality where he had redeemable qualities."
Which is to say they're full of sh*t and are the type of guys who go to Prom Night with their sisters.  Though to be fair to them their sisters are really hot, so I don't really blame them.
James Buchanan was such an epic f***ing failure that even Franklin Pierce won the award "Not as Bad as James Buchanan."
As a result of Buchanan's efforts to fail beyond the very worst failing failure the Election of 1860 would be a wide open election.  It would be the first election since 1824 to have four powerful tickets running, all vying for a sizable chunk of the population.  Of note:

1. Stephen Douglas of the Democratic Party: Continuing the great traditions of Democrats lacking a spine since 1852, Stephen Douglas campaigns on the idea of being as inoffensive to everybody as possible.  One of his primary positions is supporting popular sovereignty on the issue of slavery, because meh damn it the people get what they vote for!  This would absolve Stephen Douglas of any moral responsibility for making decisions, because as we all know it's because presidents make decisions that they are hated!  As of this writing a hundred and fifty years later, people still don't know what the hell Douglas was campaigning on or why the hell they should've voted for him.
2. So and So and Blah Blah for the Constitutional Union Party: For those who didn't even have the spine to vote Democratic, the Constitutional Union was the party for the EXTREME MODERATE HEROES.  Moderate Heroes so extreme in their spinelessness and their devotion to NOT TAKING ANY DAMN SIDES EVER! that they made a party dedicated solely to fighting the possibility of a Civil War.  If the Constitutional Union Party were given Crest or Colgate toothpaste they would stand in the back like a social retard and refuse to brush their teeth rather than choose between two different toothpaste brands in the fear that their fanboy friends would freak the sh*t out over it.  A man who was in the Constitutional Union Party would be certain to die a virgin that's how spineless the party was.  Let it be known that in the history of the United States, and maybe even the friggin world, it's impossible to come even remotely close to the pussywhipped machine known as the "Constitutional Union Party".
3. John Breckenridge of the Southern Democratic Party: Tired of the principleless stances of northern Democrats, many southerners walked out of the convention and started up their own in opposition.  Running off of an openly pro-slavery platform that promised to return America "back to the way it was meant to be", the party would be perceived as having an insane amount of balls.  Despite the Southern Democrats pretty much running on a "f*** you all!" platform the spineless loser Buchanan decided to endorse this party over a more reasonable party like say the Democratic Party.  This would result in James Buchanan, now known as perhaps the most unreasonably failed failure of a president, into being known as a Giant Doucheass that nobody and their grandmother would like.  Everywhere everybody and their grandmother started helling "What the hell asshole!" in regards to the President's boner killer endorsement of the Southern Democrats.
4. Abraham Lincoln of the Republican Party: The Republicans, feeling as though the last election told them to calm down on all of the Bob Marley inspired religions and Co-Exist t-shirt wearing, decided to go a bit more calmed down for this next election.  They ended up deciding on gothic emometal king Abraham Lincoln to lead the brigade.  Lincoln, who was selected for his moderate sensibilities, would ultimately end up being one of only two candidates who stood for damn something in this race.  I really don’t’ remember what exactly what Abraham Lincoln stood for, but he stood for something!  And that something was not saying jack sh*t while everybody and their grandmother spoke for him!  What an enthusiastic candidate!

With so many fail candidates running, how could Americans vote?  More to the point, why should Americans have voted at all?  I mean really, this sounds like the most demotivating election in history and everybody except the ticket of crazy inbreeded whites are moderate heroes!  I mean my god man, Helen Keller could pick better candidates for this year!

In the end the American People, who were sick and tired of all the useless moderate heroes that have run for the past since whenever the hell Mallard Fillmore (that damn duck) was President, decided that they would go with the somewhat moderate socially retarded man with the tall cap who took facial grooming tips from 8 year old girls over the blatantly evil ticket, the moderate hero ticket, and the super duper duper extreme moderate hero ticket.  39% became the new 51% so to speak.
Lincoln would overwhelmingly carry the North, where his support of tariffs and opposition to the further spread of douchebaggery would win him the day.  Breckenridge would carry the votes of the South due to a common hatred of grape soda, rap music, and (to a lesser extent) heavy tariffs.  Bell would carry the votes of mid Appalachia by appealing to people who thought Henry Clay was a dead sexy man but didn’t have the nads to oppose slavery.  Douglas, who had ballot access in every state except Texas and South Carolina, would win the hearts and minds of Irish Catholic America (during the half off “Early November” special for $2.50 a head) and northern farmers so dirt sticking poor they literally ate the dust of the wind and drank dead snake blood for hydration.  In other words, he managed to win the prestigious states of Missouri and New Jersey and 12 Electoral Votes.  One of the Democratic Party’s greatest electoral performances, by far.
As typical the nation would go home after voting and go through four more years of boring ass moderate heroism.
Oh. . . . .. . . wait.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: True Federalist (진정한 연방 주의자) on March 29, 2012, 07:14:07 PM
Technically, no one had ballot access in South Carolina, not just Douglas, as there was no ballot.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: MASHED POTATOES. VOTE! on March 29, 2012, 08:05:53 PM
Technically, no one had ballot access in South Carolina, not just Douglas, as there was no ballot.

They still were selecting electors in Legislature?


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: True Federalist (진정한 연방 주의자) on March 29, 2012, 08:58:01 PM
Technically, no one had ballot access in South Carolina, not just Douglas, as there was no ballot.

They still were selecting electors in Legislature?

Yes.  From 1828 to 1860 South Carolina was the lone State still having its legislature (called the General Assembly) choose Electors.  If it hadn't been for the Civil War, it would certainly have continued to do so for quite a while longer.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on March 29, 2012, 11:13:59 PM
Technically, no one had ballot access in South Carolina, not just Douglas, as there was no ballot.

Yeah.
Thus, Stephen Douglas did not have ballot access in South Carolina :P


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Antonio the Sixth on March 30, 2012, 12:38:03 PM
Hah ! Love the Super Duper Uber Ultimate Moderate Hero ticket of the Constitutional Union. ;)


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: FEMA Camp Administrator on March 30, 2012, 01:24:04 PM
Yesh! It's back!


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on March 31, 2012, 08:32:45 PM
Confession:

I did the latest entry stone cold sober while on Ritalin pills.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Antonio the Sixth on April 01, 2012, 04:49:48 AM
Confession:

I did the latest entry stone cold sober while on Ritalin pills.

It's good nonetheless. ;)


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: FEMA Camp Administrator on April 01, 2012, 08:42:56 AM
Confession:

I did the latest entry stone cold sober while on Ritalin pills.

Sober? The horror!


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Sbane on April 01, 2012, 01:56:33 PM
Confession:

I did the latest entry stone cold sober while on Ritalin pills.

Yes, having amphetamines circulating in your bloodstream is sober. :P Anyways, great thread and please continue.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Mechaman on April 08, 2012, 11:49:11 AM
Election of 1864:

Almost immediately into office Abraham Lincoln would soothe Southern fears that he didn't intend to force abolitionism on them.  And almost immediately, oh wait, even before he was sworn into the f***ing office, Southern states started seceding left and right.  There is some debate as to whether it was slavery, trade issues, or just Lincoln's campaigning on banning Rule 63 depictions of himself.  Given that 99.9999999918653% of the population didn't immediately renounce their American citizenship, I think that it is safe to conclude it wasn't the lack of "Baberaham Lincoln" that caused secession.
Due to the great calculations of the Southern contingent by leaving their northern Democratic brethren by theyselves to battle the extreme protectionists in the Republican Party, Republicans were able to throw in ridiculous tariffs against out trading partners even before a Republican President was in office.  Way the go guys!  Way to take one for the team!
Oh and yeah, there was something else that happened called THE CIVIL WAR, pretty much guaranteeing that the once boring emogay moderate Abraham Lincoln would go down in history as that sexy tall man with the beard and top hat that THE MILLIONS (and millions!) of the internet's fans would stroke many a one to female versions of him riding a very VERY gifted Thomas Jefferson (because Washington was already taken. . . . Ladies).  So thanks a lot assholes, you helped not only cause a Civil War that would cost hundreds of thousands of lives whose aftermath would lead to bitterness between North and South to this date, but you would also help create btardsexuality, perhaps God's most unforgivable sin.
I mean really, what f***ing hardons man.  I mean really, what jackass shoots a federal fort?  War of Northern Aggression my ass!  More like War of the Southern Retards F***ing Things Up for Everybody!  I mean really guise?!  You think you're going to get laid after Prom now?  After pulling this bullsh*t?  Not even the chick who plays the tuba in the marching band will f*** you now, and damnit she sleeps with everybody!  Even that Vermont Asshole Justin Morrill is going to get more than you!
Anyway, Lincoln's Administration, thanks to the douchebaggery of Southern retards, would be seen as popular and upholding the Union.  That is until he decided it would be a wise idea to issue an "Emancipation Proclamation".  For those of you who never took Lawyer School or those of you who only understand English, I believe this means something of a grand effect of him saying that all South's bases are now belong to him.  Or, for those of you tired of this internet speak bullsh*t, he was saying that he somehow had the authority to free all the slaves in the South.
This went really well in the South as the blackman rose against his oppressors and immediately went to serve with the North.  No, this isn't some bullsh*t, they really did go North and become hardass fighters for freedom.
Ironically, this wouldn't go so well in the North?  Why?  Because of a bunch of people who thought it was gay that the war was now being fought for slavery instead of y'know, preserving the Union and killing off retards.  Also, the well known EXTREME RACISM of Catholic immigrunts such as the IRISH (and to a lesser extent the German, Polish, Romanian, Hungarian, etc. etc. etc.), whose opposition had nothing at all to do with an biased draft system that allowed individuals to exclude theyselves from the draft for $300 which was like a million bucks back then for every Patrick and every Karl who lived on the Lower East Side.  Because who would oppose a system that took immigrants right off of the boats to die in wars they never heard of for American citizenship?  Who would oppose a system that forced people to fight in extremely bloody conflicts that involved rifles and cannons and massive death?  ONLY PEOPLE WHO HATE BLACK PEOPLE SAYS I!
As a result of the extreme anti-black bigotry and hatred of racist unAmerican unGodly childmolesting anti-Democracy and most of all Anti-Republican Hibernian alcoholic papist criminal hordes and the misunderstanding nature of German, Polish, Romanian Catholics, etc. etc. et. al. as it regards the status of the oppressed and owned slaves in this dark and bleak world the Democrats were able to make some gains in 1862 due to "Copperheads" being able to portray Lincoln as some closet radical extremist who only got us into war to free some slaves and not because the retards decided to attack a randomass fort that nobody and their grandmother can remember is located.
But anyway, now it looked like that Lincoln might not make re-election as the Democrats struck up pissed off rage against the Republican betrayal of what the Civil War was really about.  Many thought they were fighting for the survival of the Union only to find out that they were fighting for the equality for all men of all races and the end of a system that allowed men to own other men.  Such a concept pissed off many who just wanted to fight to get their pension payments so they can go back home and get their wives sexually aroused.
There were others, however, that believed that Lincoln wasn't going far enough.  These men would unite under a "Radical" banner behind the first Republican Presidential nominee, Union General John Fremont.  These guise insisted that the war should be all about freeing the slaves, that it was God's duty, and that the President and the Congress didn't go near far enough in persecuting the South.  Many estimated that this ticket would take about 500,000,000 votes from the Republicans in November 1864.
And if that wasn't enough there was the Democratic Party that found itself conflicted between "War Democrats" (see: "Moderate Heroes") and "Copperheads", the anti-war faction of the party that wanted to end the war with the South and make amends.  The Copperheads saw the war as it was being waged as a betrayal of the cause of every white man that went to fight in 1861.  They also favored free trade with Great Britain and the South, another unforgivable aspect of theirs to many patriotic Republican Americans.  Thus the War Democrats came out as in favor of the war against the South to appease people who viewed the Democratic Party as traitors.  The two factions, War Democrats and Copperheads, would fight at the National Convention for the nomination.  In the end Union General George McClellan would win the nom, a War Democrat, and his VP nominee would be Congressman George H. Pendleton, a well known anti-war Democrat who had close ties to the Copperheads.  So with all the subtlety of a West Side Gang attack of a Haitian bakery, the Democratic Party effectively became the "Peace" candidate.
To try to offset this advantage the Republicans would nominate a moderate hero "War Democrat" of their own as the VP candidate. . . . . . anyway, that seemed to balance out the sides.  Under this ticket of National Union, the Republicans maybe did have a chance in hell of winning.
There was a possibility that due to the amount of votes that Fremont would steal that in an election without the South that the underdog McClellan ticket might just win the election and that the rights of Southerners to be retarded would be recognized.  Sensing the box of worms he opened, Fremont reluctantly dropped out of the election and endorsed Lincoln against the moderate hero general who sucked so bad that he was the only Civil War General who wasn't overrated by military fetishists.  All told, even this early, McClellan was pretty screwed.
The results was pretty academic.  Lincoln had his way with McClellan in all but three states: Kentucky, Delaware, and New Jersey.  There were a few states, like Jew York, where McClellan came close and even strongly performed in certain areas.  Of note McClellan won New York City, where some neighborhoods in the Lower East Side, fed up with being the cannon fodder for Lincoln's War, voted over 90% for McClellan.  Over all, New York City, America's largest city would shock Republicans by voting over 60% Democratic.  A dark red dot (yeah that's right, I said red.  Those of you retards who refuse to adapt to the Atlas color scheme can get the f*** out and go kill yourselves.  FOREVER RED!) in a sea of dark blue.  Other areas with large immigrant populations, who felt like their plight was ignored in the Civil War, also voted Democratic.
All told, the ass kicking was of legendary proportions.  Lincoln won over 60% in seven of the twenty-five states in the Union.  Which means that he won a strong majority in 28% of the states of the Union, which is almost twice as many as McClellan even won.  This would make McClellan one of history's great losers, comparable even to that loser in 1804 who ran against Thomas Jefferson (though to be fair, that loser didn't have a popular vote system to contend with, although that probably wouldn't help him).  I mean really, what a suckyass candidate.  John Tyler could've probably did a better job than this guy running against Lincoln, if he didn't already join the South.
So with a mandate election (or whatever the hell they're calling it) in his favor, Lincoln would go onto the depths of immortality by bringing an end to this War Amongst the States.  Surely his second term would be one of great accomplishments and we would oversee a peaceful and conciliatory end to the war that caused so much hardship on the American people!
Oh wait.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Antonio the Sixth on April 08, 2012, 02:41:27 PM
This is getting better at every update ! :D


Quote
(yeah that's right, I said red.  Those of you retards who refuse to adapt to the Atlas color scheme can get the f*** out and go kill yourselves.  FOREVER RED!)

Couldn't have said it better. :)


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: True Federalist (진정한 연방 주의자) on April 08, 2012, 07:43:54 PM
I wish to mention that the only reason Federal troops were in Fort Sump Pump to begin with was that South Carolina had an inept swindler as governor.  "Hey Feds! We've seceded from y'all, but we're not going to put troops in Fort Sump Pump, because if we did, you'd likely stop paying the people working there to finish it."  Then Governor Pick Hens was surprised that a Kentuckian like Major Anderson would betray the South and move his command from the indefendable Fort Moldy Tree (the one built of palmetto logs back during the First American Revolution) to the defendable Fort Sump Pump.

Governor Pick Hens was then further surprised to learn than President Buchanan actually had enough of a spine to not order Anderson back to Fort Moldy Tree where he would have no choice but to surrender.  "How dare that sissy-boy doughface stand up to us instead of bending over to take it as he always did before!" our inept swindler was conjectured to say.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Jerseyrules on April 19, 2012, 02:27:55 PM
Confession:

I did the latest entry stone cold sober while on Ritalin pills.

Yes, having amphetamines circulating in your bloodstream is sober. :P Anyways, great thread and please continue.

In my case, and for others with ADHD, yes! :P

Love the update btw.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: FEMA Camp Administrator on April 19, 2012, 10:23:42 PM
The Irish obsession continues!


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook on May 01, 2012, 12:15:41 AM
He's still got over 25 elections left to cover! Looking forward to 1920! Hope he can get something out of the next several elections.


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Antonio the Sixth on May 16, 2012, 04:09:55 AM


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: They put it to a vote and they just kept lying on May 16, 2012, 05:30:31 AM
More reasons to love Mechaman. Jolly good show!


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Jerseyrules on June 15, 2012, 10:37:02 PM
BUUUUUUMP!


Title: Re: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
Post by: Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook on September 09, 2012, 07:50:43 PM
1868!