June 28, 2015
Springfield, Illinois
"Ladies and gentlemen, I was honored when you chose me to fix this state, to finally bring a reasonable, balanced budget to a state that has been financially struggling for decades now. When I came into office, people were fleeing in droves, seeking economic opportunity elsewhere when they found none here. I can proudly say we've reversed that trend."
*crowd cheers*
"It wasn't all sunshine and roses, though, as you all know. Mike Madigan, a creature of the Chicago machine, fought tooth and nail to keep up several of the financially untenable programs that have made this state such a mess. With the help of a more evenly split state legislature, however, we passed the reform this state so desperate needed.
"Hillary Clinton's another product of Chicago's corrupt machine, and one who must be stopped. We cannot afford another Democratic presidency, especially one in whose selection process she will most certainly have a hand, even if she claims she learned her lesson before."
*shakes head* *mouths no*
*crowd laughs*
"As a result, I have decided that I am the best candidate to stop the Clinton machine from continuing to steamroll the American people, to make the American people's voices be heard once more! I may not be the most conservative Republican you've ever met, but I'll make sure I'm the one who fights hardest for you in Washington! Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm running for President of the United States!"
