US Political junkies have a sense of humor too!! :-)

[Demrepdan]

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was a liberal Democrat. She then asked her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat is, but wanting to please their teacher, hands exploded into the air like fleshy fireworks. There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked Lucy why she decided to be different.
   
"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat," Lucy said. The teacher asked, "Then what are you?"
   
"I'm a proud conservative Republican," said the little girl.
   
The teacher, a little perturbed and red-faced, asked Lucy why she was a conservative Republican. Lucy proclaimed, "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself and freedom, instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too."
   
The teacher calmly pointed out, "That's no reason. What if your Mom and Dad were both morons? What would you be then?"
   
Lucy answered, "Then, I'd be a liberal Democrat."  

I heard a joke similar to this. Except the teacher stood up and said.."I am a proud supporter of what President Bush is doing! Are there any other students that are Republicans and support President Bush?" Everyone stood up except for one little girl. The teacher asked the little girl, "why don't you support our President?" And the little girl says..."Well, my parents are Democrats, so I usually think the way they do, and do what they do." And the teacher gets kind of upset and says in a snobby tone of voice.."well, if your parents were criminals would you be one too?!" and the little girls says..."no..then I'd be a Republican"

[Demrepdan]

I've heard similar versions of this joke. But here is a joke you Republicans might like.

Howard Dean, Carol Mosley-Braun, Wesley Clark, Dick Gephardt, and a little boy are on a plane flying to Iowa. The plane begins to have problems, and is ready to crash, so the pilot  gets out of the cockpit, and grabs one of 5 parachutes in the plane and says.."Good luck!" to the rest of the passengers. There are only 4 parachutes left for the remaining 5 passengers. So Carol Mosley-Braun grabs a parachute and says.."The world needs a woman President!" and then jumps out. General Wesley Clark grabs a parachute and says.."The world needs more military leaders!" and then jumps out of the plane. Then Howard Dean grabs a parachute and says..."Well, I'm a doctor, and the smartest Democrat in the world, so I'm OUTTA HERE!" Dick Gephardt looks down at the little boy, and says "Well, I guess it's just you and me, kid. And since children are our future, I guess you can have the last parachute." And the little boy says.."Don't worry, we have TWO parachutes left! The world's smartest Democrat just jumped out with my backpack!”

[Demrepdan]

OK, OK, I got ONE more...and then thats all from me for today.

Late Night Humor:

"President Bush is going over to England. He is expected to encounter huge protests over there. Tony Blair said he is 100 percent behind the president........I'm sorry that is Prince Charles."
-Craig Kilborn


The president's trip to England has got the Secret Service going crazy. They're learning to bow to the queen, say, 'Yes, your highness.'...... No, I'm sorry, those were Democrats in Iowa when Hillary Clinton showed up."
-Jay Leno

Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich — he says he is now looking for a wife. When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, 'Hey take mine.'" —David Letterman

[Demrepdan]

   President Bush is visiting England, and he is having tea with the Queen. He asks the Queen, "What is your leadership philosophy?" and she says, "Well, my dear sir, I simply surround myself with people of intelligence." And Bush says, "How do you do that?", and the Queen says, "You must ask them the right questions. Allow me to demonstrate." So she calls up Tony Blair on the phone, and puts him on speaker phone so Bush can hear too. She asks Tony Blair, "Mr. Prime Minister, if your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is neither your brother or sister, then who is this child?" and Tony Blair says, "Why, it would be ME, ma'am." And she says, "Quite right." then turns to Mr. Bush and says,"You see now, Mr. President?" And Bush says, "Yeah, that’s a great idea, I've gotta use that."

   So when he gets back to Washington he calls Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge into his office. Bush says, "Tom, I have a question for you. If your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is neither your brother or your sister, then who is this child?" And Tom Ridge says, "Well, I....uh...um...could I have some more time to think about this, sir?" And Bush says, "Sure."

   So Tom talks to other cabinet members, like  Secretary of Treasury John Snow, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, and  Attorney General John Ashcroft, and they all puzzle over the question for HOURS. Meanwhile, Secretary of State Colin Powell walks by, and Tom calls him into the room, "Hey Powell! We need your help with a question! If your mother has a child and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister, then who is it?" And Colin Powell answers immediately, "It would be ME!! You moron!" Then Tom runs back to the Oval Office, and says, "Mr. President, Mr. President! I know the answer! It's Colin Powell!"

And President Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong! You dumb ass!! It's TONY BLAIR!!"

[Demrepdan]

George W. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.
Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"
The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," the child says.
"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.
A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spots the same boy with his box just ahead.
George W. says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
George W. says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."
The boy replies, "They're Democrats."
"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What happend?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."

[Demrepdan]

Late Night Humor:

"A couple of hours ago, President Bush arrived back in the United States after a controversial trip to England. The president said he was looking forward to seeing his loved ones. Of course he was talking about the reporters at Fox News." —Conan O'Brien

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he is going to cut the California state budget in half. He is going to do that with a giant Conan sword." —David Letterman

"President Bush is in the UK, and he is staying at Buckingham Palace. He is being surrounded by 200 members of the Secret Service and that is just to protect him from Prince Charles." —David Letterman

" President Bush and Queen Elizabeth have a lot in common -- they both came into power without being elected." —David Letterman

"President Bush is also the first U.S. president to spend the night in Buckingham Palace at the request of the royal family. As he was showing the president around, Prince Charles asked President Bush if he wanted to see Big Ben, and Bush said, 'Whoa, I'm from Texas, don't try any of that funny stuff with me.'" —Jay Leno

"In England they are furious over President Bush's visit. In fact, in a speech the mayor of London described President Bush as 'the greatest threat to life on this planet.' After hearing this President Bush said 'That is ridiculous, what about godzilla?" —Conan O'Brien

"Democratic front-runner Howard Dean being called a hero this week. It seems he was going to a campaign rally in Iowa and one of his campaign volunteers collapsed from a seizure and since he was a doctor he ran over and treated the guy until the ambulance came. He is not the only candidate that helped. Since he was a trial lawyer, John Edwards chased the ambulance all the way to the hospital." —Jay Leno

"Some Democrats are talking seriously about Hillary Clinton running for president in 2004. I don't think they are serious. I think they are trying to get Rush Limbaugh to go back on drugs." —Jay Leno

[Demrepdan]

President Bush is on Air Force One, when the plane begins shaking and appears as if it is about to crash. Everyone on the plane goes into panic, but President Bush very courageously runs to the cockpit of the plane to see what he could do. He notices that the pilots are unconscious. He grabs the radio and says, "Mayday! Mayday! Air Force One is about to crash!" Ground control says, "Who am I speaking to?"

"This is the President!"

"The President? Really?!"

"Yes! I was in the Texas Air National Guard. I can vaguely remember how to fly a plane, but I need your help for me to land it safely!"

"Yes, sir. Well, in order for me to help you land, I first need your present height and position."

"Ok, well I'm 5'11", and I'm sitting in the front of the plane!"

[Demrepdan]

Late Night Humor:
"Today President Bush pardoned the White House turkey. Of course the turkey had to donate $100,000 to his reelection campaign first." —David Letterman

"The White House announced that this year the president is going to pardon two turkeys this Thanksgiving. He didn't issue that many pardons when he was governor of Texas!" —Jay Leno

"Yesterday the senate passed President Bush’s Medicare bill 54-44. And history was made — this is the first time Bush has ever gotten more than 50% of the vote." —Jay Leno

"This morning the Senate passed the president’s big prescription drug benefit bill. The bill will help 40 million Americans. The president said that everyone should have the same right to prescription drugs as Rush Limbaugh." —Conan O'Brien

"Have you been watching the Democratic Debates? You know what those are for? It’s to narrow the field down to one guy who will eventually lose to George W. Bush." —David Letterman

"Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy – but now I know this guy is presidential material." —David Letterman

"Only six candidates showed up in person at the Democratic presidential debate in Iowa. Only six, that’s three more people than actually watched the debate." —Jay Leno

"In Iraq, the terrorists are now firing missiles from donkey carts and working on plans for suicide donkeys. I guess these are the high-tech weapons President Bush was talking about." —Jay Leno
(I guess that's why Democrats are unpatritoic )

"Let's say they do use suicide donkeys, now would that be 'weapons of ass destruction'?" —Jay Leno

[Demrepdan]

You've heard Jeff Foxworthy's You Might be a Redneck. Now be prepared to hear....You Might be a Republican.

If you've ever referred to someone as "my
(insert racial or ethnic minority here)
friend."....you might be a Republican.

If you're a pro-lifer, but support the death
penalty.....you might be a Republican.

If you've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't
we just bomb the sons of bitches."...you might
be a Republican.

If you've ever called a secretary or waitress
"Honey.".....you might be a Republican.

If you don't think "The Simpsons" is all that
funny, but you watch it because that Flanders
fellow makes a lot of sense....you might be a
Republican.

If you don't let your kids watch Sesame Street
because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual
deviance."... you might be a Republican

If you use any of these terms to describe your
wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old
lady, tax credit...then..you might be a
Republican.

If you argue that you need 300 handguns, in
case a bear ever attacks your home....you might
be a Republican.

If Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you...then
you just...might be a Republican.

If you point to Hootie and the Blowfish as
evidence of the end of racism in America...then
odds are...you just might be a Republican.

If you've ever said, "Clean air? Looks clean to
me."...then it looks pretty much certain...that
you might be a Republican.

If you've ever called education a
luxury.....then you may just be...a Republican.

If you're afraid of the "liberal media."...then
you might be a Republican.

If you've ever called the National Endowment
for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.....you
might be a Republican.

If you think all artists are gay....then you
might be a Republican.

If you ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch
"lives in a trash can because he is lazy and
doesn't want to contribute to society."....then
it looks like you just might be a Republican.

If you live in a trailer park and swear on your children's/niece's and nephew's lives, that you would NEVER vote for them there crazy liberal Democrats, with their cooky ideas, because they are just a buncha bible shortening, Jewish, lawyer, city folk, atheist, homosexual bullies who wanna try to take NASCAR racing away from you and force you to divorce your sister....then...well then you might be a redneck...........and a Republican.  


Note: If anyone can find anything on.."You Might be a Democrat". Please post. I've been looking...I won't give up yet!

[Demrepdan]

There's nothing wrong with British humor. I love British humor! Just look at the....the..umm....Monty Python!....and....uh....Benny Hill! And lets not forget....uh...well...yeah..

[Demrepdan]

Yes indeed! Mr. Bean! How could I have forgotten him. I love Mr. Bean! Sadly I don't see him on as much anymore.

[Demrepdan]

As election year approaches, Vice President Cheney realizes that it is time to form a strategic plan to get President Bush re-elected. So he tells the President, "Uh, George. Why don't you go play with a puzzle or something, ok? I have important business to do that will help us stay in this house, and you don't wanna leave this big white house do you?" The President shakes his head and runs off to find a puzzle.

Meanwhile, Dick is trying to form a re-election plan, when George calls him on the phone and says, "Dick, Dick! I can't put this puzzle together! It's the hardest puzzle I've ever done in my LIFE!!  The pieces are REALLY small, and it's hard to see where they go together, and there are like a GABILLION JILLION pieces. I can't do this!!" And George starts to cry.

Dick says, "Calm down George, now, just tell me what the puzzle is a picture of, because sometimes those big puzzles are hard to put together, especially if it's a picture of the Capitol building or some type of French painting, or a bed of flowers, or something like that."

"Well, *sniff* on the box, there is this picture of an orange tiger with black stripes." George said.
"Well, I'll come on down to your room and help you out then, George." says Dick.

So Dick goes down to George's Presidential bedroom, and when he comes in he looks at the table in shock and says, "God damn it George! Why do you have Frosted Flakes all over the damn table?!"

[Demrepdan]

Late Night Humor:

"In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put him over the top is a sex scandal." —David Letterman

"The New York Times is reporting that back in the '60s, presidential candidate Howard Dean used a letter from a doctor about a back condition to keep himself out of the draft in Vietnam and then spent 10 months skiing. Well it sounds like he's done the impossible. He actually made Bill Clinton and George Bush look like war heroes." —Jay Leno

[Demrepdan]

Speaking of Late Night humor, Al Sharpton is hosting Saturday Night Live tonight, December 6th. 11:30pm EST. Make sure you watch!

[Demrepdan]

For some unexplained reason, Al Sharpton DID NOT host SNL tonight. Instead they showed a "Best of Steve Martin" episode. I wonder why this is. Something must have happened at the last minute in order for them to throw up a re-run that fast.

Edit:
I wonder if this had anything to do with it.

http://www.cnn.com/2003/ALLPOLITICS/12/06/elec04.prez.sharpton.snl.ap/index.html

If you don't want to read it, it basically says that Iowa will not air the show, because Sharpton is one of the 9 Democratic candidates seeking nomination in the state.

Maybe Sharpton heard this, got REALLY mad, and refused to host. ha ha

[Demrepdan]

I tried to find more articles on Al Sharpton hosting SNL, and as far as I can tell, he DID indeed host the show. However, the show did not air where I live, as it didn't with many other NBC affiliates all over the country. So instead, they showed a "Best of Steve Martin" re-run.  I only found one article on this, and it wasn't very trust-worthy. So the question still remains, DID Al Sharpton host last night? Does anyone know? If he did, I guess the station that carries it here, didn't show it.

[Demrepdan]

If President Bush were to host SNL sometime next year, I swear I'd vote for him.

Of course my vote would depend greatly on how funny he was.

Because lets face it....President Bush is not a funny man.

[Demrepdan]

Late Night Humor:

"Al Gore skipped over his buddy Joe Lieberman and decided to endorse Howard Dean for the presidency. This is a great fit because Dean is a doctor and Gore is a corpse."  —Jay Leno

"General Wesley Clark commented on Gore endorsing Howard Dean. He said endorsements don't win elections. Hey, in this country, votes don't even win elections." —Jay Leno

"Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't beat Bush." —David Letterman

"When Joe Lieberman found out about Al Gore endorsing Howard Dean he said 'Oh thank you Jesus!'" —David Letterman

"Earlier today, Howard Dean picked up the endorsement of Al Gore. But it's still a dead heat because Joe Lieberman picked up the endorsement of a coat rack." —Craig Kilborn

"In an interview with Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, who is running for president, said that when he voted for the war in Iraq, he didn't expect President Bush to 'f--- it up as badly as he did.' Here's some breaking news, tomorrow former Vice President Al Gore expected to endorse Howard Dean as the Democratic nominee for president of the United States — and you thought John Kerry was using four letter words before! Actually, to John Kerry, Dean is a four letter word." —Jay Leno

"They had a big blizzard down in Washington D.C. It was bad, so bad that President Bush had to cancel six fund-raisers." —David Letterman

"President Bush said today he would like America to establish a permanent base on the moon. This is all part of his plan to get Americans used to an environment where the air is un-breathable and there are no trees." —Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton is criticizing President Bush saying that his plan to reduce the number of troops in Iraq is simply a PR move to designed to boost his 2004 re-election bid. However, the president denied this and said 'That's what my crazy moon plan is for.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"The New York Times says a lot of people in Iraq are afraid Saddam Hussein could come back. Come back? He never left, he's still there!" —Jay Leno

[Demrepdan]

Oh, please, Bush is funny most of the time. Have you heard any of his speeches? So, I guess he's given you 3 good years of laughter thus far. So, vote with much laughter! Bush has earned your vote!

lol. Perhaps your brand of humor differs from mine. Yes I've heard his speeches. They are DRY STUPID jokes. Furthermore, they are written by SOMEONE ELSE! Have you ever heard him make a joke just on his feet? Like when he was speaking before the Australian Parliment, and they starting to jeer him. He said, "I love free speech!..heh heh....heh heh..heh...heh."

OH HA HA HA HA!! THAT'S F**KING HILARIOUS! BUSH IS A COMEDIC GENIUS!!!

Ok, I'll admit, OCASSIONALLY, he can be funny. But when he is, it surprises the hell out of me. Bush is a dull man, and not funny. Therefore, he has NOT, earned my vote. And I wouldn't be "voting with much laughter" would I?

[Demrepdan]

That is true that virtually no politician is always funny, however some are more humorous than others. I liked Clinton's quick witted remarks, especially near the end of his Presidency, when he just didn't care anymore.
Al Sharpton is also a comic relief at the Democratic Presidential debates.  

I bought a book written by Bob Dole, about Presidential wit, and Lincoln was by FAR funniest President.

[Demrepdan]

written by BOB DOLE???

lol. I swear he wrote the book. In fact on the cover it says, Great Presidential Wit (...I wish I Was in the Book) by Bob Dole.

[Demrepdan]

Late Night Humor:

"Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn't even get elected with the most votes?" —David Letterman

"Howard Dean was endorsed by Al Gore. Now, if Dean could get Gray Davis to campaign for him, that would put him over the top." —Jay Leno

"Gore and Dean made the announcement in Harlem. You know, just a couple of home boys hangin', getting down in the hood. Howard Dean and Al Gore in Harlem — doesn't that sound like the plot to one of those Farrelly brothers movies." —Jay Leno

"How many of you saw the big presidential debate? You look at these guys and I can't believe President Bush has to raise $200 million dollars to beat these clowns." —David Letterman

"Earlier today, Colin Powell named James Brown, the hardest working man in show business, Secretary of Soul and Foreign Minister of Funk. And I think this is great, because before the Bush Administration, soul and funk were two different agencies." —David Letterman

[Demrepdan]

For any of you Lord of the Rings fans out there...here's something for you.

http://flash.bushrecall.org/

[Demrepdan]

[Demrepdan]

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several
Southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do
their own, entitled "Survivor: Southern Style."

The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to
Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up
to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then
proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana. Finally ending up
back over in Alabama.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license
plates and large bumper stickers that read:
I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go Yankees!,
Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2004, Deer Hunting is Murder,
and I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!

The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.

Welcome back Ryan!!!! Come everyone..lets welcome him back!! SING WITH ME!!

For he's a jolly good fellow...for he's jolly good fellow...for...he's.....a.........jolly.......hmm....no one else is singing.......well fine...

Good to see ya again Ryan!