The Michael A. Naso Institute of Comedy

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Rick Santorum pulls down his pants, showering the others (and his own ass) with santorum. Mitt Romney, furious, reaches into Santorum's asshole and pulls out his intestines, inside out. As bile, partially digested food, and intestinal bacteria spray across the bar, Romney uses the intestines to swing Santorum around like a lasso and bludgeoning Newt. Eventually, the blunt trauma leads Santorum to die of internal bleeding. Newt now fights back. From the bar counter, he leaps down, pinning Mitt down with his weight. As a natural reflex, Romney empties his bowels, soiling his magic underwear. Newt, turning on "Eye of the Tiger" on the radio, rips Santorum's corpse open and proceeds to stab Mitt to death with Santorum's ribs. The talent agent sits in shock for several minutes, then asks the blood and santorum-covered Gingrich what that act was called. Newt smiles, and shouts,

"The Aristocrats!"

Quoting yourself in the Institute: epic fail.

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I love the United States of America. Yes, I love her - from her rich abundance of fast food outlets to the alluring, almost sexual jags and curves of her coasts - and it hurts. I get angry, frustrated and saddened when I see her in bad shape, looking like a meth whore, her big 80s hair falling in ugly clumps from the national scalp.

For almost 237 years now, the United States of America has stood proud, the world's loudest and shrillest voice for the vague "Reaganesque" concepts I hold dear. Freedom. Liberty. God. Yes, America remains the mythical shining city on the hill (Reagan, 2:15 - "You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden."), but I fear the city is crumbling, decaying - overrun by ethnic groups of every hue under the sun, by hordes of marauding homosexuals, by groups of wild-eyed socialists, by fearsome militias of Black Panthers, and, yes, by Democrats. I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by political correctness, starving, hysterical naked, dragging themselves through San Francisco streets at dawn looking for a "fix". A "fix" of drugs.

I knew a woman once, and her name was Freedom. She was aging but vital, the righteous (and Right-eous) fire in her eyes more than making up for the sagging in her bosom and the distinguished crow's feet around her eyes. She had a stunning mess of blow-dried, blonde hair, improbably permed. We spoke of God and country, of small government and low taxes. She was twice my age, with two grown sons fighting overseas, and a third who was a Republican Congressman. She was, in short, what I called a 'cougar'.

We made love like animals, on a blanket underneath the stars. Afterward, I smoked a cigarette and pointed out the constellations. "That one's Reagan," I said, pointing. She took the cigarette out of my mouth and took a drag. "That one's Bush. That one -" I pointed at a cluster of stars resembling a weeping eagle "is Liberty".

Freedom looked at me for a very long time. "Liberty," she whispered. "Liberty," I replied with the kind of grin Tom Cruise gave in Top Gun, and kissed her.

Me and Freedom parted ways the next evening. I understood. I was a virile, if ginger, young man, and she was a mature woman with a deep sadness inside. As I turned to leave, throwing on my denim jacket, she grabbed my arm. "Remember to always vote Republican!" she said. I smiled. "Always do," I replied, and jumped on my horse, Gipper, casually tossing my ten gallon hat on my head.

As I rode off into the sunset that July night, I realised it was July 4th. Independence Day. I slid off Gipper and sat on the side of the road, staring out at the rugged landscape that surrounded me. Somewhere to the west, homosexual and drug-users were "partying" in San Francisco. To the east, degenerates and crack-fiends would be doing the same in New York city. But not here. Here was calm, and quiet. As I smoked another Lucky Strike, I glanced up at the stars, and saw the constellation I'd pointed out to Freedom last night.

I stared up at Reagan, twinkling in the black night, and a single tear rolled down my cheek. I stayed there like that for some time.

---

Anyway, what I'm saying is that Democrats are politically correct pussies, and that all non-whites will vote for Obama, and that everyone should vote for Rick Santorum. Rah-rah-Republicans!

Thank you, and God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.

- Oakvale.

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Indeed. Behind closed doors he swears like a trooper.

Lies, Lies, Lies.  He doesn't even sh**t.  He's pure.  Be gone blasphemer.

Come on, Gramps. It's not like Inks is a Virgin Mary.

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Indeed. Behind closed doors he swears like a trooper.

Lies, Lies, Lies.  He doesn't even sh**t.  He's pure.  Be gone blasphemer.

It's true... I don't!

Time to see a doctor, perhaps?

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MITTBOT VISITS POVERTY-STRICKEN CITY

RUN:/LIST#CARSWIFEOWNS.EXE

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Anyone else do this? My films & English teacher has practically no knowledge of history whatsoever. This gives me a large amount of freedom on assignments she gives us. In the beginning of the year in Films, one of our assignments was to explain why the silent film industry died. In it, I explained how Labor Secretary Arthur Hernwhich helped to destroy it (more to come on this) & about the Anarcho-Christian movement's silent film that advocated government overthrow made the industry look bad. More recently, I credited Senator Josiah Melvington of California for putting a Civil Rights plank on the 1948 Democatoc platform. I plan on using this character more in an assignment due Monday.

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You should write down these suggestions, and perhaps pin them to the door of a church in Germany.  People wouldn't expect that.

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... the girls are all whores.

I somehow doubt you mean that literally, as there is nothing negative about this honorable profession.  Perhaps you mean something else.. some other related malign of the gender.  In any case your crude statement tells us much more about you than about the ladies in question.  And it is not to your credit, I might add.

^^^ You are right.

I think the Merriam-Webster definition of "whore" is simply "girl who has sex with someone who is not me."

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To be honest, I am actually looking forward to growing old.  Each day that I get older puts me closer to going home to see my Jesus!  Note: my home is heaven, not Oklahoma.

You're looking forward to dying? Dude, get some counseling!

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Oklahoma starts coming in:

Obama at 62%, getting killed outside of Oklahoma City. Told you so.

http://results.enr.clarityelections.com/OK/38065/73474/Web01/en/summary.html

62%. Like President Putin.

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http://youtu.be/T6cDaFqOAmc

It's obvious that this tape has been selectively edited. Just wait until the whole thing comes out! RELEASE THE TAPES!

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Mitt Romney does not exist outside the text.

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It would be ridiculous for a man with a 9-digit personal fortune to use Medicare.

It is also ridiculous for a man with a 9-digit personal fortune not to be guillotined, and yet...

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Since we no longer have deluge thread:

At least I'm not delusional.

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You guys should use a fake title to pique Dave's interest. Claim that there's some error with the 1884 South Dakota map or something. Has there been any indication that he has read a non-technical thread since post-2003?

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Wait, he was alive all this time?

Claude Lévi-Strauss syndrome.

Known to older people as Molotov syndrome.

His opposition to the Iraq War in 2002-2003 made some headlines, as did his appointment to the African Union's "Council of the Wise" but yeah other than that he basically hadn't done anything notable since he was overthrown in 1965.

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Tweed was absent for giant gaps of Atlas history that he wasn't in any way relevant for much of it.

Well, Tweed's ego is the only oustanding thing about him. Let his have it.

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Stick a fork in Romney. He's done.

I hope you're not serious.

I don't know man, this is the 2012 Board.

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Was Sarko Catholic?

Was? Is he dead now?

For all intents and purposes.

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If opebo is banned then I'm leaving this forum forever, and I'm sure there are tens of others who agree with me.

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Context:

Yeah, I'd rather hide behind the poll...

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Seriously, Dave should make TheProfessor an admin.

"Post deleted for 10/10 infraction points

Reason: Liking Mitt Romney will not help you get girls"

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Havent really ever had a proper kiss.

You must be logged in to read this quote.

...

Atlas Forum: Serving as a virginity protector since 2003

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Hilarious in Hindsight?

BRTD and opebo have been around forver and can get away with anything. Same with jmfascist.

Quoting yourself is bad. Period.

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I believe in God because I can't imagine what life would be like without Him.

It's largely the same, except you get to sleep in on Sundays.