Thomas Jefferson announcing his candidacy:
My fellow Americans. I am announcing that I, Thomas Jefferson, am running to be the next President of these United States. My candidacy is based on the fact that I am Thomas g Jefferson. Who are you going to vote for against me? John Kerry? John g Kerry? Let's compare what the two of us have written.
John Kerry wrote a book about that silly foreign entanglement of yours in Vietnam. Made a bunch of people lie abut what they had done and some other silly sh**t.
I wrote the Declaration of Independence. You hear that? The g Declaration of g Independence. Inalienable rights? Me. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? Me.
Who else you got? George Bush? That "W" ain't for Washington. I wrote some of the most important documents of all time. He reads "My Pet Goat" to kids. Probably has trouble with the long words too.
Ralph Nader? Let's get real people. If I want my seatbelt improved I'll give Ralphie a call.
Cobb? Next.
Badnarik? He probably questions the constitutionality of the Lousiana Purchase.
Peroutka? All of this guys friends died in the las ttwo months or some sh**t. You want to vote for him? We'll probably all be struck down with the plague.
So, inconclusion, I call on all of you to vote for me, Thomas g Jefferson.
And I want the "g" put on the ballot.
Hah, I would pay to see that.