Yelnoc v. President Napoleon

[Bacon King]

Your honor, I am representing Mr. Yelnoc, of Georgia; my client wishes to sue President Napoleon for severe emotional injury due to numerous remarks made by Napoleon which have negatively impacted the well-being of my client.


Basis for Jurisdiction

The Unified Law Code Initiative of the IDS declares that the unified code of laws for our region shall be the Official Georgia Code, wherever the latter does not conflict with regional laws. While our regional law has no provisions for tort suits or civil law in general, however, the Official Georgia Code certainly does. In fact, in cases of this nature, Georgia law requires that a jury trial be held.

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As a citizen of the Imperial Dominion of the South, my client is therefore entitled to have a jury of his peers decide upon the extent and veracity of his emotional distress.


Pre-Trial Motions

I hereby request that a pool of jurors be assembled for this case. I also request that an ad-hoc agreement on potential damages can be arranged, given the unique nature of this suit and the impossibility for the collection of conventional monetary damages.

I am prepared to offer opening evidence of my client’s claims; however, I would prefer to wait until the jury is assembled and sequestered so they may approach the case with a completely open mind.


*grovel grovel grovel*, your honor. I understand the unorthodox nature of this case; I am willing to work with you in whatever manner you need to expedite this unprecedented case. Thank you for your time, Almighty Overlord.

-BACON KINGMAN: ATTORNEY AT LAW

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Off with his head.

[This user has not been convicted of 34 felonies]

Off with his head.

[John Dibble]

SILENCE!

*Overlord Dibble enters the room, thunder booms in the distance, somewhere a child crying for its mother goes mute*

So, you wish to bring a civil suit against the very President of our nation by digging up an obscure law from the Georgia code?

*cackles maniacally*

Interesting. I am amused.

*bangs gavel, the earth quakes*

However, before I can bring this to a jury trial I must of course do my due diligence in determining if this case has legal merit. If not, sadly I must dismiss it as being frivolous. So, I need a few items from you, Mr. Kingman... Attorney at Law... *grins devilishly*

First and foremost, I need to know the specific remarks that have caused your client emotional injury.

Second, I need to know the extent of the pain and suffering the emotional injury has caused your client. What is the specific nature of the emotional injury? Has it made him unable to work? Does he have any bills for therapy? Things like that.

Third, I need to know what amount your client is suing for.

Fourth, I need to know when the remarks occurred as well as where both your client and President Napoleon were at those times. This is to establish that no statute of limitations has passed and that this court has jurisdiction.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I believe this is the first time someone has represented another as an attorney in my court. If it has happened before, I do not recall. In fact, this may be unprecedented in all of the history of Atlasia. You may very well be the only lawyer in our fair nation. I would say that's something to be proud of if I did not know that the higher forces have deemed it necessary to create a hell for the express purpose of eternally tormenting every lawyer who has ever existed. But fret not, there is hope for you yet...

Two can play at this game, because as you have so graciously reminded this court of its duty to uphold the Official Georgia Code (which I would kindly ask everyone to source in the future) as the law of our region, I must uphold it. As such I require that you provide to me with evidence that you are indeed a licensed attorney in one of our region's states who can lawfully represent the plaintiff. I need evidence that you have graduated from a law school accredited by either the Atlasian Bar Association or the state equivalent, as well as evidence you have passed a Bar Examination.

The Official Georgia Code is quite clear that you must be a licensed attorney to practice law...

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Source

I believe you have done at least seven of these things, if we include your little advertisement. Possibly eight, if we your inclusion of Oakvale as a partner might apply to item 5.

If you are not so licensed I would feel ... quite disrespected. That is something for which the consequences are severe, and could result in an entirely new trial with punishments that border on cruel and unusual. However, if you are indeed unlicensed and simply wish to confess it here I'll allow you to plea bargain with me and I'll just have the bailiff flog you for five minutes. He's new, and quite eager to prove his mettle to his senior bailiffs.



*bangs gavel, the earth quakes*

Your move, Mr. Kingman.

[Bacon King]

First and foremost, I need to know the specific remarks that have caused your client emotional injury.

They are numerous. While this is not by any means an exhaustive list, my client expressed severe discomfort at what he the constant disruption in the face of what he considered to be President Napoleon's constant intrusive and caustic attitude in the chambers of the IDS Legislature.

You forgot Poland Puerto Rico.

You can't miss happy hour, Duke.

He also has been placed in further turmoil more recently, by several obscenely abrasive remarks the defendant has made while serving as President:

This is actually laughable.

Have fun at the FEMA camps.

Starting tomorrow, I'll be gone for two weeks. have fun.

Article 1 Section 4 Clause 6 of the Atlasian Constuition would beg to differ with you.

lol, k

This is by no means an exhaustive list of the comments made by President Napoleon with intentional malice, which have upset my client greatly. However, I believe they aptly demonstrate the legitimacy of this case.

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He has suffered severe emotional and psychological trauma due to these constant remarks. Due to the President's comments, Yelnoc is in a state of constant depression. Here is a recent photograph of my client as evidence:



He has become so disillusioned with this barrage of criticism and hackery that he has even seriously considered leaving the forum entirely- which, in some regards, could be considered the Atlasian equivalent of suicide. The affect Napoleon's comments have made on my client simply can not be overstated.

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My client is not suing for monetary compensation- he simply wants justice to be served. However, if a monetary amount is required, $20.01 in damages will suffice.

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The time and place of comments are quoted above However, I believe that since these actions harmed a citizen of the IDS, that this court has jurisdiction regardless of where the remarks were stated.

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First, here is my law license:



Second, and more importantly, note that I am a member in good standing with the Atlasian Supreme Court Bar and therefore meet all legal requirements for lawyering that Atlasia requires of anyone.


I do believe I have sufficiently demonstrated my qualifications as an attorney as well as appropriately demonstrated the merits of my client's case- at least to an extent that it would not be considered frivolous.

*grovelgrovelgrovel*, and thank you for your time.

(if you don't believe my totally legit license I'll just go ahead and take the beating plz

[John Dibble]

-_-

I am not amused.

*bangs gavel, the earth quakes*

Your case is clearly frivolous. None of those comments were even directed at your client. One is a notice of unavailability! If Mr. Yelnoc has legitimately suffered emotional injury from comments unrelated to himself then I must question the prior mental health of your client. I would advise your client to seek treatment, and if he refuses to do so I would remind him that while I cannot unilaterally declare your client as being in need of treatment as I would like to do I feel that it is my duty to inform everyone in the region that the Official Georgia Code states that anyone living in his county can file a petition for his mental health to be investigated and that if he is found to be in need of involuntary treatment that this court can force him to be admitted for treatment.

http://law.justia.com/codes/georgia/2010/title-37/chapter-3/article-3/part-2/37-3-61/

(if you don't believe my totally legit license I'll just go ahead and take the beating plz

I recognize you as a lawful attorney based on your membership to the Supreme Court Bar. However, attempting to pass off a blatantly forged document as legitimate in my courtroom is unacceptable, so I find you in contempt, Mr. Kingman. Fortunately, you've consented to the beating, so I will not have to fine you a dollar like I was previously planning to do.

Bailiff, flog him.

*the bailiff proceeds to flog Mr. Kingman*

Your case is dismissed as frivolous with extreme prejudice.

*bangs gavel, the earth quakes*

[Bacon King]

I thank the Almighty Judicial Overlord for his swift dispensation of justice in this case, and although my client was unsuccessful and I disagree with the ruling, I'm proud to see our region's court working so efficiently.

I also thank the bailiff for going easier on the beating after I began to sob in the fetal position.