Amusing Quotes

[JohnFKennedy]

I just thought I would start an amusing quote thread .

"If Michelangelo had been a heterosexual, the Sistine Chapel would have been painted basic white, and with a roller"


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Response to a  poem sent into a poetry writing competition entitled Why do I Live?
Because you sent your poem by mail


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More to Come, feel free to add your own .

[Gustaf]

"Yes, gradually"

Milton Obote, president of Uganda, answeres the question are you gonna switch over to driving on the right side of the lane.

[Gustaf]

"This is the greatest moment of my life"

Nelson Mandela, upon meeting the Spice Girls. It apparently was not leaving jail after 2 decades, reuniting the country or becoming the first black president of South Africa.

[JohnFKennedy]

Hands off the threads, creep.

Frank Sinatra when the effusive Hubert Humphrey, Democratic presidential candidate, tugged at his sleeve


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She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way that a midget is good at being short

On Marilyn Monroe


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If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drilling rights on George Bush's head.

Texas commentator Jim Hightower during the 1988 Dukakis presidential campaign


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Vic Oliver, Winston Churchill's onetime son-in-law:
Who do you think was the greatest statesment in World War II?

Prime Minister Winston Churchill:
Mussolini. He had the guts to shoot his son-in-law.


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Pompous businessman:
All really famous people own a Mercedes - it is their favourite car.

Member of Parliament:
Well, it was certainly Adolf Hitler's favourite.


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I never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry.

President Harry S Truman to music critic Paul Hume of the Washington Post after Hume criticized Truman's daughter Margaret's singing

[PBrunsel]

"I have had more women by accident then he's had on purpose."
-Lyndon B. Johnson on hearing of JFK's womanizing.

"No politician can be just a little corrupt."
-Herbert Hoover

"Has Robert Kennedy ever seen a comb?"
- Barry Goldwater on RFK's hair

[PBrunsel]

"A caloflower is a cabbage with a college education."
- Mark Twain


"When I was a boy my grandfather told me anyone could become president, and now I am starting to believe it."
- Clarence Darrow hearing of the election of Warren Harding

"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself."
- Ronald Reagan

"I don't know. I've never played a governor." –asked by a reporter in 1966 what kind of governor he would be.

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
- Al Gore at the Holocaust Museum.

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
- Dan Quale

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-Vice President Al Gore

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
- Al Gore

"The future will be better tomorrow."
-Vice President Al Gore

 

[Gustaf]

"Our primary aim is to create jobs"
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Tory manifesto of 1997, page 9

"Governments cannot create jobs"
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Tory manifesto of 1997, page 10


Still wondering why Blair will win reelection?

[JohnFKennedy]

I was just standiing out in front watching the other acts when a lady walked up to me in the lobby and said, "Pardon me, young man, could you tell me where I could find the rest room?" and I said "It's just around the corner." "Don't give me that Hoover talk," she said. "I'm serious." - Al Boasberg

In 1932, lame duck President Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children. - Johnn Carson




Folllowing are all on Richard Nixon:

A new book has been released entitled "Friends of Richard Nixon". It is only one page longer than the work, "Famous Antarctic Television Personalities of the Eighteenth Century". President Ford said, "I've spent most of the week reading it, finding it challenging in its scope."

There's a theory that provides an answer to the question of President Nixon's attitude to gambling. There was once a small boy in California who had a pony he was very fond of. One day a gambler came to town and, engaged the boy in a game of cards, won the pony. The boy swore never to gamble again...
The reader will have guessed by now that I am telling Richard Nixon's story. He was that gambler.

Nixon just isn't half the man Hitler was.

He is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree and then mount the stump to make a speech for conservation.


More to come later, got some good ones on Clinton too .

[© tweed]

"The civil war was the best war we've ever had because, when you're fighting yourself, you're always going to win."  -Dan Quayle

[zachman]

"The civil war was the best war we've ever had because, when you're fighting yourself, you're always going to win."  -Dan Quayle

That's my favorite!

[PBrunsel]

"If we do not succeed we run the risk of failing."
- Dan Quale

[Peter]

All are Sir Winston Churchill:

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.

There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.

The British nation is unique in this respect. They are the only people who like to be told how bad things are, who like to be told the worst.

Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.

I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of Parliament. The first lesson that you must learn is, when I call for statistics about the rate of infant mortality, what I want is proof that fewer babies died when I was Prime Minister than when anyone else was Prime Minister. That is a political statistic.

[12th Doctor]

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago"
                                                           -Dan Quayle

"I am not indecisive.  Am I indecisive?"
                                       -Norm Coleman as mayor of St. Paul

"I can't do that.  That's my bad side".
                                       -Yoggi Berra after having been
                                        asked to face directly at the camera

[Schmitz in 1972]

John Adams on being vice-president-"The nation has in its wisdom contrived for me the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived or his imagination conceived"

Yogi Berra's bloopers:

"This is like Deja Vu all over agian"

"You better cut the pizza into four slices because I'm not hungry enough to eat six"

"Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical"

"A nickel isn't worth a dime today"

(When asked for the time)"You mean now?"

"I always thought the record would stand until it was broken"

"Texas has a lot of electrical votes"

(when told he looked cool)"You don't look so hot yourself"

"You should always go to other people's funerals or they won't come to yours"

"Nobody goes there anymore, It's too crowded"

[PBrunsel]

Yogi Bera and george Burns were walking in Central Park one day. They walked by a sun dial when Yogi asked Burns, "What's that thing?" Burns responded, "That's a sun dial, you can tell what time it is by the position of the shadow." "What will they come up with next?" Yogi Bera asked.