Westman Timeline Pt. I

[Mechaman]

June 24th, 1985:

Associated Montana Press Release:

Today the Montana State House passed the Gun Liberalization Bill passed by an overwhelming majority.  The vote to undo the gun laws passed by the Montana Legislature of 1981-1983 during the first two years of Governor Richard Peters.  In 1982 the former Republican Governor, enjoying the support of an unusually moderate Republican controlled House and Senate, passed the strictest gun control laws in Montana history that included bans on lever action rifles.  This would lead to massive voter backlash in the 1982 elections that would put the Democratic Party within a few votes of taking both houses.  To make matters worse a few conservative Montana Republicans left the party in protest of Peters "social statism".  On top of that quite a few of the Republicans who did survive the election were those who were AGAINST the policies of the Peters Administration.  In 1984 the Democratic nominee, Scott Westman, would campaign strongly against the gun control legislation of Richard Peters.
Once in office Scott Westman focused on other issues.  This would irritate gun rights supporters, who expected the governor to show a certain exuberance for the issue.  However, those concerns didn't fall on deaf ears, as after passing a few pieces of landmark legislation, namely the biggest wage increase of state workers in January, the "Alcohol Liberalization Bill" in March, and Tax Reform ten days ago.  Finally though, Westman and his allies finally tackled the subject of gun liberalization.
The vote went down almost unanimously, save a few leftover moderates from the Peters Administration.  The Democratic Party, which captured the House and Senate in January, voted almost unanimously (50 for, 1 against, 4 not voting) for the liberalization of lever action rifles, as did the Conservative Party.  The Republican Party, which has come under the influence of libertarians like Lieutenant Governor Mendelik D'Israeli, voted 23-10-2 for the bill.  All told, the lever action rifle bill passed 83-11-6, a way stronger mandate than the original "Gun Control Act of 1982" passed the Montana House.  The bill is expected to pass the Montana State Senate in a comfortable margin, though not as authoritative as the House margin (due to amount of Peters leftovers in the Senate).

[Mechaman]

September 11th, 1987
CNN Special: Westhouse:

CNN: Over the past few days there have been mounting accusations that the Democratic Governor of Montana, Scott Westman, has been "sleeping on the job".  Notably, a Helena resident has charged that the Governor has spent the past two and a half years having a sexual affair with a Shannon Gershowitz, the owner of the Gershowitz Shooting Range.  The Governor, who was on vacation at his Flathead Lake Estate with his wife and son declined to comment on the matter.  The accusation, even if not true, could still be damning to any potential Presidential run Westman was planning up to this point.

[Mechaman]

Sometime in 1988:

Herschelwitz: Hell of a term man.
Westman: That it was.
Herschelwitz: For someone of your circumstances you certainly have gone far in life.  I guess there isn't that much to frown about.
Westman: I guess you're right.  I guess I'll just pray for a successful re-election, then get hammered out of my mind.
Herschelwitz: Governor, you really think it's possible for you to be defeated?
Westman: Dude, I cheated on my wife and admitted it on national tv.  How the f*** am I just going to coast to re-election?
Herschelwitz: That is true.......but I believe that the people up here can be more forgiving considering your results.
Westman: Bullsh*t man.  A man who can't keep his marriage vow isn't a man at all.  I should've just left office, considering how much disgrace I brought to sweet Caroline.
Herschelwitz: Look............your honesty is really paying off in the polls.  Remember what happened to oh what's his face?
Westman: Bill Clinton?  Yes.
Herschelwitz: That guy's career?  Dead.  Why?  Because he was a liar.  You aren't.  I guarantee you that by 1991 people will have forgotten about this mess.
Westman: (solemnly) But I won't.

And so Scott Westman, who had been stricken by the worst of guilt for failing his beloved wife, would become a changed man.  For the better, and for the worst...........

[Mechaman]

A Few Polls:

November 1985
Do you approve/disapprove of the job Governor Scott Westman is doing?:

Approve: 50%
Disapprove: 41%
Unsure: 9%

December 1986
Approval/Disapproval:

Approve: 47%
Disapprove: 48%
Unsure: 5%

Mid-September 1987:

Approve: 48%
Disapprove: 43%
Unsure: 9%

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Since you've skipped over to 1987, how's Crane been doing and how's the 1988 field shaping up? How many of the bajillion parties that exist in this tl will be running candidates?

[Mechaman]

Since you've skipped over to 1987, how's Crane been doing and how's the 1988 field shaping up? How many of the bajillion parties that exist in this tl will be running candidates?

I will actually cover the 1986 Congressional elections in detail later on.
The Presidential Election Season of '88 won't be covered in great detail until like November (IRL) or so.  I just wanted to jump ahead with entries dealing specifically with Scott Westman possibly entering the race and then dropping out (due to dropping it in the wrong sources).
In fact, for the next few weeks I will focus mostly on Westman's tenure as Montana Governor.  Think of this TL like Lost or something like that: just because I occasionally jump to the future doesn't mean I'm there yet (in a weird way).
1986, due to an upcoming plot angle, will be quite interesting.

[Mechaman]

February 18th, 1986
Governor's Office
Helena, Montana:

Westman: Damned "conservatives".  Voting against every piece of damn legislation, except gun rights, that my administration has pushed.  How much longer until I am no longer painted as a "progressive radical"?
D'Israeli: Let's be real honest Scott: sure you aren't a social democrat but you are pretty damn radical in a lot of areas.
Westman: Really!?  How so!?
D'Israeli: Well look at your rankings on social issues.  It's borderline anarchistic.
Westman: What?  This good and ole noble idea that people should be able to govern as themselves?
D'Israeli: Well, not many Democrats are as near staunchly pro-choice as you.  Especially the damn paddy papists who run the party.
Westman: Watch your damn mouth Jewboy or I'll call up some of my relatives from Buffalo to tie your feet to cement blocks and drop ya down to the bottom of Flathead Lake!
D'Israeli laughs.
D'Israeli: Speaking of abortion........this just came in from the House.
D'Israeli hands Westman a report with the words "Horrigan Life Bill, Part II".
Westman: Jesus, this guy is so unoriginal.
D'Israeli slams it down.
D'Israeli: Seriously though man: where the hell do you stand?
Westman: Come on man!  This isn't a black and white issue!  There are reasons to support it.......(solemn look) and there are reasons to be against it.
D'Israeli turns white after hearing Scott Westman, who was once considered to be one of the most pro-choice politicians (and easily one of the most pro-choice Democrats), blurt out what sounded like one of the biggest concessions in recent memory.
D'Israeli: Wait a minute........what in the hell is that even supposed to mean?  Are you seriously taking a moderate hero position on this now?
Westman: Let's just say there are a lot of things I wish I knew before I made my voting record.
D'Israeli: Yeah, before or after you came out supporting a possible nationalization of abortion rights for women?
Westman looks up at D'Israeli.
Westman: I admit that was mostly a reactionary position to the scores of lifers who wanted a nation wide ban on abortion.  Now, after certain life changing events.......I'm not too sure what to think anymore.
D'Israeli picks up the "Horrigan Life Bill, Part II" and drops it in front of Westman.
D'Israeli: Well then, you might want to take a look at this before you make up your mind.
As D'Israeli leaves Westman picks up Representative Horrigan's bill and begins reading the "report" section.
He would spend the rest of the day looking at the report.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

A potential change of heart for our radical young Mr. Westman?

[Mechaman]

September 15th, 1987
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania:

Pennsylvania Democratic US Senator gets on stage.  The event had been publicized for the past few weeks.  Many were wondering "what was the Senator going to say?"  Some speculated, despite his age, that he might be considering a run for the Presidency.  Though at this stage he might announce his run just to generate an enthusiasm for a Watson Vice Presidency.  Though Larry Watson was young, he had the knack for being the youngest at everything.  He was the youngest House of Representatives member when he was elected (age 25, by a day, when he was sworn in) and then six years later he became the youngest member of the United States Senate (born January 2nd, 1950 that would mean he was 30 years and a day old when he was sworn in, just meeting the age requirement).  Larry Watson's stellar rise in the realm of Pennsylvania politics was unequaled.  The smooth faced former football player for University of Pennsylvania, who graduated with a 2.67 GPA and a degree in Political Science at the age of 23 managed to, just a year later, get elected into the US House of Representatives.  Granted, he ran in one of the most Democratic districts in the nation, but still impressive nonetheless.
Even more shocking than Watson's entrance into the House at such a young age was his race in 1980.  Everybody and their grandmother had given up on the kid in 1980.  In fact, the 1980 Democratic Primary between Larry Watson and US Secretary of Labor Pete Flaherty was called a "Civil War between the factions of the Democratic Party of Pittsburgh that is going to make an extremely unlikely Democratic victory in Penn State a virtual impossibility in a heavily Republican year."  Some would criticize Watson's decision to run for the US Senate at the age of 29.  Of note, Christopher Hitchens (circa January 1980) would say "just because a former University football linebacker for the University of Pennsylvania with mediocre grades could get elected as a Democrat to the US House representing one of the most pro-labor districts in the nation with the largest population of Irish Americans outside of New England or New York doesn't mean he'd do great statewide."
However, there were some who believed that Watson could do it.  Notably, his role model in the US Congress, Mo Udall, would make this quip:
"Larry Watson has no chance in hell?  Well, after the disaster known as the 1920 Presidential Election how many of you would say the same about a possible political comeback for the Democratic Vice Presidential Candidate of that year.....an Assistant Secretary of the Navy by the name of Franklin D. Roosevelt?  Yeah.........we all know how much of a failure his career turned out to be!
Point is, many of you who are giving Larry the shaft here are guilty of gross mischaracterization.  You see Larry Watson isn't your ordinary Penn State Democrat.  He doesn't go around Pittsburgh wearing a green suit and throwing out flowers to all the pretty little lasses that dream about kissing him one day.  No, he's above that.  He isn't a panderer, he's a true believer.  The people of Pennsylvania are going to see that.  They are going to see that.....and then they are going to see the atypical moderate Republican bull shoveled down their throat by either some dude whose daddy paid for his campaign or some dude who likes to brag about being "Snarlin" or something like that.  I mean really it is a no-brainer.
Be in denial all you want about that."
Also, his close friend Scott Westman of Montana would say:
"Don't underestimate Larry Watson.  He can speak any politician out there under the water.  He could kick my ass at least.  I think that's pretty impressive."
Over the coming months Watson would campaign around the state for votes.  Shockingly, he would lose Pittsburgh to Flaherty.....but would win the Pennsylvania countryside by landslide proportions and win a slim victory in Philadelphia (which Watson secretly lamented).  As a result he would win the nomination and go onto face "Snarlin" Arlen Specter in November.  For most of the race Specter would hold the lead.  That is until a series of debates that showed the world just how much they underestimated the tenacity and rhetorical prowess of Lawrence Watson.  Over a series of four debates Watson had reduced Arlen Specter to an opportunistic flip-flopper on a wide range of issues.  This would close the gap on the last few days before the election with a few cautious analysts moving the race from "Lean Republican" to "Tossup".  The end result?
The "upset of the decade".
Through his first six years in office he had received much flack from senior members about his inexperience and young age.  However, with the help of a few friends (many of them young themselves) he helped give a voice for the next generation of American voters.  Sadly, only three months into his tenure his good friend Ted Kennedy would die from an assassin's bullet and then in 1982 his good friend Scott Westman, who had made a name for himself pissing off the moral and political hierarchy of the nation, lost his re-election bid.
Ever since that time Watson has matured much in the Senate.  Though ill-fated (due to Democratic minority) he would stand up for union and worker rights against the Crane Administration.  He would also do his best to represent the interests of the people of his state, unlike his predecessors.  He would visit his homestate often to get a feel for the constituents.  As a result he would become "Penn State's most popular politician".  By the 1986 Senatorial Elections the national mood had changed, though not as much as Democratic Senate Leader Tobin MacMahon would've liked.  However, in Pennsylvania, in 1986 with Watson running for re-election.....the GOP seemed to already be in defeatist mode.  The Penn GOP nominated William Scranton III, a former lieutenant governor and son of a former governor of Pennsylvania.  Many critics would say "the only quality that Scranton has that makes him remotely competitive is his good looks.  Otherwise he has all the excitement of an artistic rendition done on cardboard."  The result?
Lawrence Watson won the Senate Race with a staggering 60% of the popular vote.  The greatest performance for a Democrat in a US Senate race in Penn State since the Seventeenth Amendment which established direct election of US Senators.
Watson approached the podium and began to speak:

"You know, let me just say one thing before I begin.  I realize that the timing of this speech is awkward considering that my good friend Scott Westman announced yesterday he wasn't running for President.  Also, I want to say that whatever the media or critics may say about him that Scott Westman is a good man.  He has hangups like the rest of us.  What matters the most at the end of the day is that his family, including his wife Caroline, still love him dearly.
With that off my chest I guess would be the right time to tell you why you're here today.  First off, despite my penchant for running for office once I'm of legal age let me just start off by clearly stating that I do not intend to run for President just yet.  I believe that for the next five years or so I belong here in the US Senate representing the interests of the people of Pennsylvania and not trying to climb the political ladder so to speak.  I don't know why or how this talk started in the first place frankly.  I have not the experience nor the age to challenge whoever the crowned successor to Crane will be.  Whether it's a "Conservative" or a Republican.  Furthermore, it's really a matter of loyalty why I am here.
You see, a man is running in this election.  A man who has been like a father to me.  And if there is one thing I have always been taught it is that a son should never turn his hand against the father.  My father, Senator Morris Udall of Arizona, is running for the Democratic nomination.  Therefore, as a matter of loyalty I have come here today to announce that I will be helping him win the nod in June and go on to take back the White House next November.

God Bless"

[Mechaman]

Coming Soon!

Montana Congressional Districts

[Mechaman]

General Overview:

[Mechaman]

Christian Tidings
The White House
March 20th, 1985:

Christian Mattingly is standing on the roof of the White House taking a break.  He is observing the surroundings of DC when he feels someone tap his shoulder.  He turns around and sees William Buckley, the Secretary of Defense, with a smoking pipe in his hand.
Buckley: Enjoyed the meeting?
Mattingly shrugs.
Mattingly It just really pisses me off ya'know?  All these damn organized crime warlords and their machine minions......and stupid mick motherfuckers like that idiot shithead Jack O'Daniels making shitty shithead comments.
Buckley: Yes.....if I hear that moron talk again I'm gonna smash his goddamn teeth in.
Mattingly: All of these dumb paddy fucks who take the sides of extreme crazies like Beauregard D'Israeli and what not in this issue....it pisses me off.
Buckley: It isn't easy y'know....being a non-Democrat Catholic.  You shouldn't need me to tell you that.  All other roads lead to cultural collectivism......
Mattingly: Again with the big words!
Buckley: It doesn't make much sense kid........y'know how many Democrats....and Republicans....pull out the intellectually lightweight card when they have a bunch of idiots on their side as well.
Mattingly: Well we got to stand up to these bastards!
Buckley: Indeed we shall.  It's time the world knows that there is a silent majority of patriotic Catholic and Irish Americans who will stand up to these vandals.
Mattingly: Yes, unlike those pussy Democrats.  I'm telling you William Westman should be rolling in his grave, especially in regards to the heir to the throne.
Buckley: Really now?  I believe that Scott Westman is really one of the better Democrats in this current age.
Mattingly: Oh right so a womanizing babyloving f****t liberal is suddenly a good Democrat?
Buckley: Jesus kid you can't seem to get through some things...
Mattingly: He had relations with a dude in the dress-
Buckley: SHUT THE FUCK UP CHRISSY WISSY!
Mattingly, shocked pale at hearing his mentor and friend burst out like that, listens.
Buckley: Maybe if you gave guys like Westman more of a chance you would be surprised.  I mean hell he's already way more conservative than his Republican predecessor.  I mean did you even listen to his campaign?
Mattingly: Well, he has a pretty daughter.  Other than that....nothin'.  I mean what's the point of Westman when I could support say.....the Conservatives?
Buckley: True.  True.  You know I talked to William Westman a few times.
Mattingly: Yeah and?
Buckley: I'm convinced the guy would've been one of us.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Jack O'Daniels? Besides that,

[Mechaman]

Jack O'Daniels? Besides that,

I was trying to remember that one guy you made up from Americana but it came out as like a blatant Irishization (yeah I just made that up) of "Jack Daniels".

Meh................

[Mechaman]

The Young Professionals

Over the past few decades the population of Montana has exploded.  This is due to a number of factors, namely a job recession in the American Northeast in the 1950's that led to massive numbers of young adults, a lot of them with professional degrees, to the Rocky Mountain West.  A lot of these individuals would find jobs in the infant Technology industry, most of those jobs at the time being associated with the US Army R&D Department.  After World War II a number of army radio and communications experts would decide to pursue the development of highly advanced electronic equipment and information storage systems.  Initially most of this was done at MIT until the research grant for info systems ran out in 1950 (after conservatives in US Congress blocked funding for the MIT Info Systems Program).  As a result many of these info experts would move out to the Rocky Mountain West.  Thanks to the enormous amounts of "blanket" federal government funding many of these individuals, being members of the US Army, were able to use some of the money left behind for New Deal research programs.  Pretty soon there were hundreds of technology startups all over the American West, mostly in the state of California.
Noting the lack of competition and the vast amount of unpopulated land, a large number of technology company startups moved to the state of Montana.  In a short number of years many young people would find jobs in these startups that would make most of their profits selling to local and state governments across the nation as well as charging for information services for individuals.  Pretty soon early prototype computers were starting to show up at public libraries in the major cities in Montana.
After these young professionals settled in Montana many started having families.  Many of these professionals settled in western portion of the state, leading to population explosions in the Flathead Lake area, Missoula, Butte, and Great Falls.  A lot of the professionals came from working class backgrounds, many of them Irish and Italian Catholics.  Unlike their lower class parents they would advance gradually up into middle and upper-middle class.....becoming much like the WASP middle class back home in the American Northeast.  Naturally, the group would be politically Democratic though to a lesser extent than their forebears to the east.  As they mobilized up the income chain the appeal of economic and fiscal conservatism became stronger.  In the 1960's Republicans would make big inroads with this group, with young professionals being instrumental in getting Republican Congressman Brian L. Summers elected to Montana's 1st Congressional District in 1962.  Summers would stay in office until 1968 when he was defeated by State Senator Edward L. Finnegan, a fiscally conservative socially liberal Democrat who moved to Montana in 1954 to look for a job in the infant Technology industry.  There was little difference between Finnegan and Summers.
After the election of Finnegan Montana's 1st Congressional District would become a Democratic stronghold after his more "libertarian" brand of Democratic liberalism began to gain popularity amongst the people of western Montana.
After the addition of the third Congressional District in the 1970's the first CD would become even more libertarian leaning as economically leftist Butte was redistricted into the reorganized second Montana CD.  As a result the state's CDs would come to represent a very interesting cross section of the Montana political spectrum.  The far western 1st Congressional District would be known for the popularity of libertarian ideals within it's population.  The middle 2nd Congressional District would be known for being a haven of progressivism and labor union activism.  The eastern 3rd Congressional District would be known as a hotbed for conservatism with the city of Billings being a significant Republican city in a state where cities more oft than not were bastions of liberalism.

Thus is the modern history of Montana.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Cool work in manipulating EV map numbers due to new districts.

[Mechaman]

Cool work in manipulating EV map numbers due to new districts.

I kind of figured that if I changed an election back in 19f***ing48 I might as well change the electoral map to something (arguably radically) different than what it was IRL from that point on.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Jack O'Daniels? Besides that,

I was trying to remember that one guy you made up from Americana but it came out as like a blatant Irishization (yeah I just made that up) of "Jack Daniels".

Meh................

Well you were pretty close to home. His name is Jack Daniels. At one point or another he changed his name & forgot his original name. He was a Prog Rock guitarist for the band Wutevr. In 1988 he leveraged his fame by running for Congress in NV. He remains popular there.

Now if you're talking about character #3, Robert O'Sullivan, that's a whole different kettle o fish.

[Mechaman]

Jack O'Daniels? Besides that,

I was trying to remember that one guy you made up from Americana but it came out as like a blatant Irishization (yeah I just made that up) of "Jack Daniels".

Meh................

Well you were pretty close to home. His name is Jack Daniels. At one point or another he changed his name & forgot his original name. He was a Prog Rock guitarist for the band Wutevr. In 1988 he leveraged his fame by running for Congress in NV. He remains popular there.

Now if you're talking about character #3, Robert O'Sullivan, that's a whole different kettle o fish.

Oi right!
That's probably who I was thinking of.

I just remember reading up on him and thinking "man what an embarrassment to an otherwise colorful and deeply poetic people!"

[Mechaman]

St. Patrick's Day 1985
Ft. Collins, Colorado

Former Wyoming US Senator Beauregard D'Israeli makes his way on stage to a somewhat cooled audience.  He was afraid that he would be pummeled by loaves of bread and what not due to his joke run as a Marxist-Leninist (that nobody save for his relatives and Scott Westman knew was a joke).  However, the people in Fort Collins were actually mildly receptive towards him as he made his way on stage.  He was even more surprised that the Hibernian Organization of Colorado granted him the use of their stage on St. Patrick's Day to speak.  Republicans in general are not well liked by Irish Americans and Catholics, especially Satanist Republicans.  D'Israeli remembered campaigning in Boston when the St. Martin's Fire Brigade, a very devout group of Catholic firefighters, came to loudly and vehemently protest D'Israeli's presence there.  The dislike that many of the nation's Irish Catholics had against D'Israeli was so intense that when even running only against Phil Crane, the candidate of the previously anti-Catholic Constitution Party, Massachusetts went to Crane.
But, here in the American West people seemed to be a little more receptive.
He addresses the audience:

Fellow Westerners, it is with great honor that I address you on this fine day that millions around our nation celebrate each year!  Because what I have to say will impact all of us in one form or another.  What I am talking about is the implementation of martial law, the restoration of the Acts of Sedition, and the elimination of our civil liberties!  A few days ago the members of our Executive Branch made it quite clear that in order to "combat organized crime", something they haven't been doing for decades, they would be willing to put armed troops and soldiers in our streets!  Do you realize the breach that has been suggested here!?  Do you realize what happens when soldiers march down our streets?  It's a little something called "martial law"!  The Law of the Military!
(crowd applauds)
Do you really want that Fort Collins!?  Do you!?  American soldiers with assault rifles patrolling our streets like we are conquered foes!?  American forces waging war on American cities!!  Because that is what Defense Secretary William Buckley is suggesting!  I realize I may not be the most popular individual here, but I do believe that the people I see here before me care about freedom and their Constitutional rights!  So when the Federal Government comes here to take over your streets you know the best course: RESISTANCE.

The crowd erupts in cheers.  It had seemed that the widely despised D'Israeli had somehow found common ground with the St. Patrick's Day crowd gathered in Fort Collins, Colorado.  With many of the nation not sure how to feel about the "Ides of March Massacre" it would be speeches like D'Israeli's that would lend a voice to the non-interventionist faction in the debate.  Up to that point Americans had shown widespread support for federal action in urban areas to take on organized crime.  However, once prominent non-interventionists and libertarians started protesting the suggested course of action because of possible violations of individual liberty that might be caused by martial action it quickly died off.
Many began to wonder what Buckley and others were thinking suggesting such a heavy handed approach in reaction to a mob slaying of a prominent mob boss.
History would decide.

[Mechaman]

March 19th, 1985
Washington D.C.

Secretary of Defense William Buckley is before a crowd of assembled press addressing the current "War on Organized Crime" that he is preparing.
Press: Sir, would you care to comment on Senator D'Israeli's comments made on St. Patrick's Day.
Buckley laughs.
Buckley: Let me make one thing clear right here right now: I never said that the United States Government would move battalions into urban areas to combat this threat.
Press: But you did imply that it would be an option-
Buckley: yes an option in very drastic situations.  This isn't about installing military totalitarianism in American cities.  It's about restoring the order of law into cities that have become over run by criminal elements.  And no amount of fearmongering and baiting by the FORMER US Senator from Wyoming is going to change that.
Press: How do you respond to critics that you are too heavyhanded and uncaring of civil liberties and getting yourself involved in a subject that isn't in your job description?
Buckley: Lady, I am the United States Secretary of Defense.  The "defense" of American citizens, whether it is against foreign or domestic threats, is my job responsibility.  If need be I will utilize all methods, even unpopular ones, to get rid of the scourge in our city streets.  American should not fear for their lives in our urban areas.  I have had it with crime bosses who continually make a bad image of Catholic Americans in this nation.  This image needs to be corrected and retards like Beauregard D'Israeli aren't helping us one bit.

Later that day
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania:

The reporters catch up with former US Representative and Persia War veteran Jack O'Daniels.
Press: Mr. O'Daniels, tell us what you think of the recent "War on Crime"?
O'Daniels: I believe that Beauregard D'Israeli is right and that this exercise of executive power by the lace curtain Secretary of Defense shows a bit of overcompensating for imperialist urges within the White House.  It is bad enough that we are still invading Brazil, but now we have to invade our cities and disturb the natural order of things?
Press: But surely you see with the rise in organized crime violence the concern that the Secretary has for-
O'Daniels: shh!  All made up for their grand agenda of conquest no doubt.  Mark my words: no Irish or Italian American is going to be safe underneath this administration.  This is a blatant power grab by the Protestant extremists in power to put us Cathys under control.  This is something that Beauregard D'Israeli understands and something that should be understood by all prideful Catholics.  They failed with the Know Nothing movement and then they failed with Prohibition.  What better way to deal with us Irish and our friends than by waging a war on "crime"?
William Buckley turns off the tv.
Buckley: I swear to God if I see that guy in person I will smash his goddamn teeth in.

[Mechaman]

Clan O'Welherin
An analysis:

Many have debated the origins of the Irish clan "O'Welherin".  Several experts, noting it's spelling, have speculated that it actually refers to an ancient Germanic tribe, the Valharrens, that were among the many that invaded the ancient Roman Empire in the late 300's towards the end of the empire.  The Valharrens were known for being a tall, handsome, athletic and redheaded people, much like many of the descendants of the O'Welherin clan (including the "Westman" family in America).
Several experts in ancient Irish history claim that the Valharren tribe, which history stopped hearing from after a battle with the Roman Commander Viertrux, might've been exiled from the mainland European continent and onto the Emerald Isle sometime around 380 AD.
Records of the O'Welherin Clan are murky at best with detailed records only going back to the late 1600's.  Other accounts of the clan, mostly oral legend passed on from generation to generation, tend to agree that the O'Welherin Clan had been around since at least the 11th Century due to the clan's relationship with Briac the Deranged.  Briac, who by many accounts was a very tall, extremely strong, very barbaric individual was also well known for his tendency towards drink as well as his "hair the color of fire".  Briac's methods of terror, namely the flaying of livestock and the capture of many young girls....mostly between the ages of 10 and 17...for God only knows what, have led many a historian to label him as "the Deranged".  It is often said that Briac may've killed less than ten men.....but that his transgressions against young womankind are the kind that would make even the Devil condemn in shame.  Briac, who many historians say was in his mid-late twenties when he pillaged through the Irish countryside, never was one who committed gross acts of genocide as was common amongst other barbaric hordes of his day.  Instead, he preferred profligacy, that is making as many bastard children as possible with the daughters of ancient Hibernia.  Briac's propensity towards massive pedophilia would be his undoing as hundreds of men, the proud fathers of violated young girls: the victims of Briac's deranged passion, would surprise Briac and his army in a Spring sometime during the 1150's.  The result?  Briac would be maimed and brought before the elders of over three dozen ancient Irish tribes where the most vicious of punishments was carried out.  The elders would order that Briac be castrated and that his insides would be cut open.  As the swordsmen cut him open a few town sages with tar and torch would set his insides afire.  It would truly be a death befitting a hound of hell like Briac the Deranged.
Some have observed Briac's tendency towards pedophilia and made comparisons with future offspring.  Of note Sean O'Welherin, a Kilkenny scribe who lived in the mid 1500's, was oft referred to as "he with the child wife" due to his marriage at age 18 to a girl of 10 years of age.  And it wasn't an arranged one either.  A more modern example of this would be Scott Westman, who has had several "romantic" relationships with 15-17 year old girls when he was in his late 20's and early thirties.  His wife, Caroline Kennedy Westman, at the age of 30, is twelve years younger than he is.

(To be continued)

[Mechaman]

Clan O'Welherin
An Analysis, cont.

Despite the clan's early bad reputation it seems that the O'Welherins kept mostly to themselves.  It could be that the reputation of it's one infamous member, Briac, made the rest of the clan on edge.  It is said that after Briac's execution that even his own younger brother, Daerdic, disowned him.
Throughout the centuries the clan would quiet down.  By the 1600's the O'Welherin clan had come to populate the areas in and around County Kilkenny.  After Oliver Cromwell's invasion the English garrison there would order the execution of all O'Welherin males in Kilkenny, after hearing about the deeds of their ancestor.  The result?  The people of Kilkenny would violently resist the invading English in a bid to protect the O'Welherin clan.  The end result would be a disaster for the English forces, who would lose over 1,050 men in the protracted Battle of Kilkenny.  The Kilkenny Irish would lose 214 people.  The loss at the Battle of Kilkenny would be a great morale loser for the English forces in Ireland and helped exacerbate the inevitable overthrow of Oliver Cromwell's government back home in England.  The loyalty and friendship that the people of Kilkenny showed the O'Welherins would touch Riordan O'Welherin's heart and he would pledge his clan's undying loyalty to the people of the city for their protection.
The O'Welherin clan would stay in Kilkenny for the next two hundred or so years.  A previously strong and populous clan the O'Welherin clan would be brought to the brink of extinction in the 1830's-1850's during the Great Famine.  All told it is estimated that the Famine wiped out 95% of the then existing O'Welherin clan.  The only known survivors of the O'Welherin Clan was young Brian O'Welherin, his first cousin Katherine, and their uncle Sheridan (who in reality was only 5 years older than Brian).  Sheridan would travel to America in the 1850's and would become a member of the Dead Rabbits gang of the Five Points district in New York City.  A few years later after he got a vicious stabbing from a member of the rival Bowery gang Sheridan would take up more honest labor.  By 1866 he was a New York City policeman, thus infuriating his former fellow gang members.  In the next couple of years he would settle down and marry a dancer name Mary O'Dan.  Six months after their marriage she would give birth to a girl named Annie who would go onto marry an Irish immigrant fisherman named Sean O'Connor.  The two would later move north to the eastern coast of Maine......near Portland....and raise a family.
Brian and Katherine would stay in Kilkenny and help rebuild the devastated community in the wake of the Great Famine.  Brian would take up occupation as a blacksmith to help fund a higher education he would later pursue in Dublin.  He would be educated in the liberal arts and would come back to his hometown an enlightened man.  He would find young beautiful Katherine waiting for him.  Once the two saw each other a romance between cousin and cousin was inevitable.  The devastation wrought onto their family, as well as the fullness of love between them, would drive the two to marriage in 1853.  They would have a large family that would include Seamus and Madeline O'Welherin, the two immigrant orphans who would leave their homeland in the 1880's and would later change their last name to "Westman".  As of this writing it's unclear how many out there, if any, still keep the O'Welherin family name.  A clan that once numbered in the hundreds.......possibly gone.  Forever.

[Mechaman]

And when some local kid gets down they try an' drum him outta town!:

"They said you coulda at least faked it boy!  Faked it boy!"
Karl K. Lebowitz, an enforcer for the Lunar Mode Mafia of Los Angeles run by mafioso Alphonse Piretti, mockingly tells down on the luck signer David Lee Roth.  Roth, who was fired from Mammoth in the Spring of '81 for, and this is the OFFICIAL BAND REASON, "hogging all the groupies".
Roth get a hurt look on his face.
Roth Hey hey what can I do!?
Lebowitz: You coulda at least faked it boy!  Faked it boy!
Roth: Look, I'll pay ya for it, what the fuck?
Lebowitz: That's more like it.  The next time you want some Panama wise guy you pay for it.  ON TIME.  Or I might be tempted to set you ON FIRE.  Then again you would probably like that wouldn't you you cracked up kike bastard.
Roth: Aint't talkin' bout love I guess.
Lebowitz: Dude shut the fuck up!  I know the law friend!
Lebowitz looks around and finds a shiny star studded jacket.  He puts his gun back on Roth.
Lebowitz: You son of a bitch!
Roth: See I can explain that.
Lebowitz: Lemme guess?  The Ice Cream man did it?  Did he unchain your window and steal it himself?
Roth: Oh right, you really got me now.
Lebowitz: Damn right I got ya, one foot out the door.  You can't get away with these pathetic lies down here on mean street buddy.
Roth: Please man, I'll wait till I have money to buy my own you can have that ba-
Lebowitz: You know what you can do.  You can jump, go ahead and jump out the window before I change my mind and shoot you in the fucking head and splatter your fucking brains all over that nice picture of you with your parents.
Roth gets up out of the chair.
Lebowitz: One.........you cocaine crazed atomic punk!
Roth stammers backwards out all over a table.
Lebowitz: Two..........dead or alive you got a better chance taking that jump.
Roth falls over a few candles as he struggles to get to the window.
Lebowitz: Three......Hang 'em High.
Lebowitz shoots Roth, twice, in the stomach, and then walks off.
Twenty minutes later.
Roth: Help!!!!  Somebody get me a doctor!!!!

[Mechaman]

O'Connor Residence
Hancock County, Maine
October 9th, 1985:

Maine 2nd Congressional District Representative Thad O'Connor is at his family's home in Hancock County near the shore of the Atlantic.  He enters the place and turns on a light to see that it was just as disheveled as the last time he left it.
Figures.
Thad O'Connor had lived a very removed life.  When he was but a year old his mother died from a vicious stomach illness, leaving him in the care of his removed and oft alcoholic father.  His father, Joseph O'Connor, was a fisherman by trade, much like his father and grandfather before him.  And like his father and grandfather he would inherit their tendency towards alcoholism.
His father was an interesting character.  A third generation Irish American Catholic, Joseph O'Connor would become well known for being the town fisherman.....and the town drunk.  Often times he could be found at the local wet spot or at the local Democratic Party committee meeting.  His involvement in the local Democratic Party in Bangor would become legend, as he would be known for his involvement at the young age of 14 when he led a very spirited campaign against the GOP candidate Herbert Hoover.  According to local Jonathan K. Dietters:

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For a large part of his young adulthood Joseph O'Connor was a single man.  He would be known for "rolling in the hay" with a few of the town's young women, notably Mary Gelly, but not as the type who would settle down for anything......or anyone.  That was until he met Elizabeth Blaine.
Elizabeth Blaine would come from a more "proper" background.  Born April 28th, 1921 into the politically established Scot-Irish Blaine family, Elizabeth would be known for her unusual quietness in a family of socialites and diplomats.  A natural introvert she would keep away from social circles and would delve into the readings of philosophizers and fiction writers.  It wouldn't be until May 9th, 1943 when she would find true love at a Bangor diner when she met a local fisherman by the name of Joseph O'Connor.  The two would find warmth and intellectual vigor within each other and would get married the next year on September 11th, 1944.  A year and a half later Elizabeth would give birth to their first and only child, Thaddeus O'Connor, on April 2nd, 1946.  A year later she would die from a rare stomach illness.
Never knowing his mother filled Thad up with great sadness in his youth.  He would often write poems to her memory.  This occurred quite frequently, especially when his father went drunk.  The estranged relationship between him and his father wouldn't help fill the void of emptiness he felt from the maternal absence.  His father would use some of his inheritance money he received from his grandfather's death to buy a residency, this residence, near the Atlantic shores.  It was built in the 1940's and lacked certain modern amenities.  Most notably air conditioning.  Being on the cold northern Atlantic coast air conditioning wasn't really that much of a problem for O'Connor.  It rarely ever got above 80 degrees, even in July and August.  Then again, it seemed to be that way in a lot of places now days.  O'Connor couldn't remember the last time he heard of any place, outside of the American Southwest, that reached 100 Degrees Farenheit or warmer.  Hell, places like Texas and Oklahoma rarely got over 90 degrees in the summer.  Maybe "New Ice Age" alarmists had a point......
Thad remembers his friend Scott Westman visiting him once at his residence and commenting how "unbearably warm" it felt to Westman in August of 1979.  Apparently to a Montanan like Scott Westman anything above 70 degrees is considered "unbearably warm", despite the occasional 82 degree day that Flathead Lake has in August.  Then again the air is much dryer in western mountainous Montana than it is on the shores of eastern Maine.  Beauregard D'Israeli once said the same thing while touring Maine in 1980.
Thad goes to the refrigerator and opens it.  To his surprise he finds a six six packs of Guinness Extra Stout with a note underneath it.  He picks up the note and opens it up.

"Dear Old Friend of the Roman Empire,

I wrote this note when I was drunk.  All I know is that the front door was unlocked and you had a bunch of piss in your refrigerator.  So I went to the justice of restocking your refrigerator with REAL beer instead of that disgrace I found.

The Eternal Dictator and Sky Ruler of Montana Scott Wild Hoss Westman

P.S.: Me and Caroline did the Risky Business in your bed.

Asshole!