Jake Lee Christiansen: A Fictional Biography
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  Jake Lee Christiansen: A Fictional Biography
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Author Topic: Jake Lee Christiansen: A Fictional Biography  (Read 904 times)
Yelnoc
Junior Chimp
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« on: August 05, 2010, 09:00:37 PM »

Foreward

This biography was inspired by and is an entry in Kalwejt's Write a Short Bio challenge.  It is meant to go in-depth; if you are annoyed with having to wade through a person's life story to get to their political career this may not be the story for you.  Much of the story will take place in the future; if you blatantly disagree with the way I have shaped the future than let me know.  I probably won't do anything about it but I still love constructive criticism. 


1
The Early Years

At the turn of the millennium, in the midst of the Y2K scare and the height of the dot-com bubble, there lived a family of four in a condo on 1287 Stonecreek Road in Santa Barbara, California.  Thomas Jacob Christiansen, a thirty-nine year old restaurant manager, was the head of the household.  His wife, Sarah Lee Christiansen, was a thirty-one year old California native and stay-at-home mother of two.  Their two children, Jacob (or Jake as he was called) and Lisa were four and eleven months old respectively.

They had lived in that condo for the past year and a half.  It was a modest adobe; located on the first floor of the block with two bedrooms connected by a bathroom along with a narrow kitchen, eating area, and den making up its entire 1250 square feet.  An observer from the east coast might assume that the Christiansen were having money problems but Thomas had a good job as the local chili’s service manager.  The problem was the California housing market; that tiny condo had cost the Christiansens almost as much as one would pay for an average four bedroom house in the east.

Despite the lower prices, moving east was something that never crossed their minds.  The couple had met in Santa Maria, California, a town due north of Santa Barbara notable for its wineries.  Sarah’s father was one of those winemakers, a Santa Maria native like his wife and daughter.  It was on his forty-ninth birthday dinner that Sarah met Thomas.  The story goes that when the family went out to eat a local bar & grill their food was overcooked.  Thomas, at the time only a key hourly, came out to apologize to them and tell the family that their unfortunately blackened dinner was free.  He and Sarah exchanged smiles and, supposedly, the next day they “bumped into each other” at the grocery store.  Eventually they began to date and, in the autumn of 1994, they were married.

They bought a small ranch home in Santa Maria where Jake spent the first three years of his life.  It had a fenced-in back yard where Sarah’s psychotic dog, Mittens, was free to run around and bark at passing traffic.  Meanwhile, Thomas worked seventy-hour weeks at a job that barely made enough to support his young family.  When in 1998 the chili’s in Santa Barbara was looking to hire a service manager he jumped at the chance.  The couple moved with their three year old baby to the aforementioned condo.  The only casualty of the move was Mittens who jumped in front of a FedEx truck while the Christiansens were packing their U-Haul.

While moving into their new home, Jake met his first real friend.  Three year old Takuya “Tak” Nakamura, son of Japanese immigrants, watched from between the iron bars his parents’ balcony as the Christiansens moved into the condo a floor down and across the street from his.  The two were the only children in the complex and thus spent a large portion of their early childhood together.  Tak and Jake could be seen playing in the large bushes on the sides of the condos, where they had created their own little fort.  Within, they played Pokémon and soldiers and other games that adults could not comprehend.

When not working, Thomas devoted a lot of his time to playing with Jake.  At age three he taught little Jake how to swing a bat and catch a ball in a baseball glove.  Before he knew it, Jake was hitting homeruns over their fence (though you must remember their fence was about fifteen feet from the house).  When he was four, Jake went to a baseball clinic, where he proved his smarts by being the only kid to run around the bases correctly.  He would play t-ball in the spring of kindergarten and continue with the sport through college.

Jake was an avid watcher of Barney.  Every morning he would wake up at around seven o’clock and, after eating his mandatory bowl of cheerios, proceed to watch the morning episode of the Purple Dinosaur.  Other favorite shows included Mister Roger’s Neighborhood and Thomas the Tank Engine.  Classic wooden train tracks formed intricate circuits across the living room floor that Thomas and all of his friends rode across throughout the day.  Other favorites of his included hot wheels and army guys, the latter of which often battle a combined cowboy/Indian force across the wooden tracks.

When he was four years old, Jake went to preschool.  Monday, Wednesday, and Friday were characterized by trips to and from the cherry painted house-turned preschool, in which liberal teachers taught their pupils the values of organic foods, other cultures, and all things green.  During the Christmas Holiday Season the kids celebrated Kwanza and Diwali.  Jake thought it was all good fun, but after singing to his mom the song his teachers had taught him one spring day (“I ain’t been mistaken’ and I don’t need a spankin’”) he was pulled out of the class, not to reenter the academic world until the beginning of kindergarten.
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Sewer
SpaceCommunistMutant
Junior Chimp
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« Reply #1 on: August 05, 2010, 09:04:21 PM »

Heh, I live in Santa Barbara.

So I will read this.
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