Chapter Three: Buckets of Warm Piss

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

I can't wait to see the new poll!

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

So if you're done doing approvals, what will y'all right about? And seriously, I only want my news on my iPad now. An app is a must if you want to remain competitive and have my invest in your new venture.

You're in luck though. I have $15M left over from my last senate race, and am willing to donate to your new business in exchange for an endorsement/hefty donation once you're profitable.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

I want to thank The People for their kind words. Through Them, voices are heard and goals are accomplished. Once I leave office, I will no longer feel guilty about accepting bribesgifts from my adoring fans.

But please, I want to say one more thing. I  welcome any donations from The People into my Duke PAC, a new PAC to help advance my own interestsThe People's message into the halls of our government. We take any form of payment from any source.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

An idea just came to me. Once I retire, I would like to join The People and their Paper as a columnist. Where do I apply?

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

I suppose I will take over as Chief Senate Analyst. I need a new job title after this month anyway.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

Election Predictions

Nyman, Atlasia - Originally I was going to do an in depth analysis of this election, but with Teddy's spontaneous drop outs and reenters, it started to become hard for me to track and who would pull out last before the climax that is this election.

So we have 6 candidates for 5 seats. This will be about as exciting as the last election where we had 6 running for 5 seats: the only excitement will surround the last seat. Without further adieu, here are my thoughts on this race's candidates, projected in the order I believe they will finish.

1. Junkie - Junkie has been running for senate for quite a while, and if it weren't for my selfishness, he would have made it in a long time ago. He has the knowledge, drive, and competency to be a great senator, and I look forward to following his career. I think he is in the safest position of all the candidates. He will receive the moderate wing of the RPP's vote and a few votes outside of the party.

2. Kalweji - Kal will be more than safe in his reelection bid, much like his party partner Nathan. I like Kal, even though he didn't preference me in the presidential election and for a JCP senator, he tends to think outside the box, which I sure. Sure, we don't agree on every issue, but if we all agreed on everything, the senate would be boring, the game would be boring and really life would be boring. We need Kals in the senate, and he will be reelected and rightfully so.

3. Nathan - Much like Kal, Nathan will be more than safe in this election with the JCP machine behind him. Both are really interchangeable in the sense that one may get more votes than the other, but who really cares, right? I do not know much about Nathan and I really haven't encountered him much in the senate, so I can't say much about him. I hope he will be more active than BRTD, which won't be hard to do. I am relatively glad the JCP is trying to run 2 real candidates in this race instead of a placeholder.

4. 20RP212 (Jake) - I may catch some flack from this, and I may be totally wrong and it will ruin my credibility in the future, but I think Jake takes the fourth seat. I am basing this purely on a hunch that the Silly Party will be a relatively united front along with Jake pulling some of the former Populares. I am also pessimistic about the RPP's chances to get 2 in considering our past failures, and believing we can get 2 in the top 4 of the vote on first preferences would be just too much for me to expect. I like Jake though. He seems dedicated, active and eager to learn, and I like that. We need more of that in Atlasia, and I would be content with him in the senate, assuming he doesn't become old and set in his ways anytime soon.

5. TJ - I only put TJ at the bottom because of my own pessimism, but I believe we will get 2 in this time. TJ will have the backing of the RPP conservative wing which, while is has shrunk in recent months, continues to be a powerful force in Atlasia. TJ has done fine work in the ME assembly and, like Jake, embodies the young energy we could use in the senate. While we don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, I believe diversity of ideas is important and will be good for the senate, that these days agrees on too much and shoots down too many good bills (like some of Marokai and I's fine pieces of legislation, obviously).

6. Sewer - Sorry Sewer. I just cannot see a scenario where he makes it in. Downballot he may do well with the JCP voters, but I don't see the first preferences being there for him to make it in. I don't have any comments to say about sewer because he doesn't like me, and I don't want to start a cafeteria fight.

Granted, these predictions could be very wrong, but I am basing this off nearly 3 years of experience in Atlasia elections. My bottom two are kind of gut calls, but I think they will be correct despite the order I may have them listed.

Good luck to everyone in the race. It seems kind of strange not to be on the ballot this time, but I like my new office here amongst The People.

Duke is the Chief Senate Analyst for The People's Paper, having been given the job by a proclamation of The People.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

One thing I've noticed is I can't make a headline on the thread so The People are not aware to read The People's Paper.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

The People's Paper will be making an endorsement of a presidential candidate very soon.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

The People's Choice: Andrews for Co-Presidents

Charleston, South Carolina - Few times in the history of Atlasia, a revolutionary ticket has come about; a ticket so strong and such a sure thing that Atlasians knew better than to vote against it. Early on, it was Nym, a founding father and staunch diplomat. Then it was PBrunsel and Colin Wixent or whatever you spell it. Purple State ran on and completed a system of reform. These names stand out as the cream of the crop. Today, The People are endorsing yet another sure thing ticket - a ticket so inspiring that the thought of them not winning sends shockwaves throughout the homes of Atlasia.

A few weeks ago, an atomic bomb went off in this country. In a matter of minutes, the two largest parties in Atlasia, the RPP and the JCP, were gone. Millions of people were without party homes. A new era had begun, an era promising to be more open, kinder and less intense. Old friendships were broken and new friendships formed. Old party bosses sent to purgatory and new ones rising from the ashes.

From the depths of despair has risen a ticket that embodies all that is good in our hearts and in this great nation. It is a ticket that has been endorsed by our creator as the saviors of not only the country we call Atlasia, but the planet we call earth. Today, The People are endorsing the Andrews for Co-Presidents.

Our choice was simple: the Andrews represent a new Atlasia, a new manager with revolutionary ideas to help the nation move forward. For months now, this nation has been plagued by inconsistency, inactivity and unloving. Presidents have come and gone. The doors of the White House are revolving. Unemployment sits at 9.2% and no end in sight. A plague has killed off half of its population. The nation is in need of two people who don't care about the past, the rules or what is expected.

The Andrews offer a fresh face to a stale game. Neither have served as President. Neither want to serve as President. Instead, they wish to serve as Co-Presidents, two men with one plan. Once elected, they have pledged to serve two terms, share a bedroom, and promote consistent, loving policies that will enhance both the economy and the mental wellbeing of this country. They make no apologizes for their unorthodoxy, but we have been how orthodox presidencies have worked out in the past. High unemployment, a rising deficit, hunger, death in the street and political unrest. It is clear it is not working. Instead, The People urge Atlasia to embrace love, compassion, human dignity and respect for your fellow man and neighbor. The Andrews will bring Camelot back to Atlasia in a way we haven't seen in years. The People predict that, if not elected, this nation will surely fail.

We wholeheartedly endorse this transformative ticket for Co-Presidents and pray this nation follows suit.

Senator Duke is the Chief Senate Analyst for The People's Paper. He is not affiliated with the ticket mentioned above and has not donated any personal funds to its SuperPAC.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

Senator Duke will submit an Op-Ed on the past election and discuss how the dissolution has changed Atlasia.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

Southern Unity Act: Encouraging Southern Unity or A Veiled Attempt to Destroy the Proud Region?

In the Dirty South, things move at a slower pace. Mornings begin with tea and biscuits. Lunch follows with pimento cheese and homemade pickled okra. Dinner usually consists of fried chicken, greens, and deviled eggs. Lots of them. Business in the regional legislature is much like the region itself. Governor PiT recently celebrated the first bill passage in four months, and with the recent influx of new members, the legislature seems to be on the right track towards glory.

But the road to glory is not without bumps, and on Tuesday afternoon, the road may have cracked just a bit. Newly elected Representative Jbrase, a former governor and senator, introduced the Southern Unity Act, a bill that, by design, allows any citizen of a state that many view as southern in the American, but not Atlasian point of view, to vote in the regions elections. By allowing this, Rep JBrase argues that this will allow southerners displaced in these states not part of the region to vote in the South's elections. Proponents praise JBrase's heart and soul, while the opponents question its logic and constitutionality.

On the other side of the isle is The People's Champion since 2009, Representative Senator Duke, himself also a former governor, the greatest governor the Dirty South has ever seen, who has strongly spoken out against the bill. While he has stated he supports those perceived southern states be admitted to their rightful home region, he does not support giving citizens in those states two votes, while also questioning its constitutionality.

The two representatives have spared off in the most recent floor fight. JBrase accused Duke of wanting to disenfranchise the voices of these perceived southerners, while, at the same time, ignoring the fact that this is Atlasia and not America, and in Atlasia, Virginia, West Virginia, Oklahoma, and DC are not southern states. After Representative Senator Duke destroyed his opponent in the argument using undeniable logic with casual wit, he returned to his chair, picked up his homemade sign, and continued protesting, following up with his promise to sit at the statehouse, bourbon bottle in hand, until the bill was defeated. What happens next is anyone's guess in the Dirty South.

Senator Duke is the Chief Senate Analyst for The People's Paper. He is not affiliated with the Legislature mentioned above and has not donated any personal funds to its either representative discussed therein.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

This newspaper is open to becoming the official newspaper of Atlasia if the President so chooses to embrace The People give us that titleand force all our competitors to close their doors.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

This newspaper is open to becoming the official newspaper of Atlasia if the President so chooses to embrace The People give us that titleand force all our competitors to close their doors.

I'd support it if you changed the name to the People's Daily. Or Pravda.

You want us to change the name of The People's Paper? The People are a no nonsense group. We like our PBR in a can; our whiskey on the rocks, and our women slender with long legs. We don't need some sort of fancy name. Our Paper is the mouthpiece of The People and we will not have someone come into our office and begin shouting vicious demands at us to change.

This will be The People Paper now and forevermore, until the end of ages, amen.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

BREAKING: SOUTHERN UNITY ACT WITHDRAWN

With thousands gathering at the statehouse in support of Representative Senator Duke and The People, Representative JBrase announced, with a tearful eye, that he would withdraw his controversial build to the cheers of The People all over the great Southern land. Bourbon will be flowing in the streets tonight in New Orleans.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

Now, now, we can't have all this fighting going on. We need a vibrant media here, and you two are the only newspapers.

The People are only concerned about the bottom line. We don't care about a vibrant media when the competition is nothing more than a bunch of amateurs. The People deserve the best news around, and if it means it must come from a single provider, then so be it. And ever since The People formed their own news source, information in Atlasia has flourished. It's populace are reading more than ever before and discussions in the coffee shops and diners across this land have taken off. What don't you love about that?

We are not here to play nice and hold hands. We are here to make Atlasia the best it can be. If one does not want to join Us for the ride, then kindly use the door to your left because The People are forging ahead with or without you on our team. The choice is yours.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

Huzzah!

The People will not tolerate post-padding sir.  Kindly exit this establishment before we are forced to take decisive action.

In other news, The People are currently considering new applications for those they deem worthy.  Be aware, your sole mission as a part of this staff will be to crush this.. "competition" called The Porcupine, until such a time that the Editor agrees to submit a merger.

Ya mad?

I think we have made it clear our end goal is to force The Porcupine out of businessprovide the best news service around, focusing on the quality, not the quantity of news stories. Posts like yours only serve to anger The People while they wade through our award winning articles.

While We have not made our decision on your campaign, it would be wise for you to shape up, offer something of substance and pray by donating at least $100,000 to our cause that you secure Our endorsement before the polls open.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

Apparently I'm a political cartoonist for this paper now or something.

You could have waited for me to announce your hiring, but I guess this works too.. Lol

It's okay. Cathcon needs to be submergedin water amongst The People before he will know right from wrong.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

Your new Political Analyst will have a copyright free (for all you hater of MLA formats and Works Cited) article up sometime this weekend over the latest court controversy.

That will do. Remember, you need not announce prior to your publishing on an article. Listen to The People. They will speak to your heart. They are the voice within.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

Yelling Goodbye to Yelnoc

This morning as I woke up and wiped the sweat from my brow and the sleepies from my eyes, I reached over and grabbed my laptop. Like every morning, I opened its lid and began checking my emails and messages from colleagues and the like before stumbling across a message that shook my room: Yelnoc, a People's champion in his own right, resigned from speaker of the IDS legislature and that southern bloc I never joined.

So I want to take a moment to formally recognize Yelnoc for his service to the region, to me, and of course, to The People. He carried himself with dignity and class for his entire tenure in public office, and The People and myself thank him for that. As with all resignations, Atlasia loses someone who made the game better. They lose a bright eyed, eager boy who simply wanted to help The People in their continuous fight for powerto stay alive in this country.

While we here at The People's Paper understand there is a time to step away and reflect on one's career, we do hope in the future Yelnoc returns to public service. Regardless of future musings, Atlasia weeps today, as it wept when Senator Duke retired from the senate. But wherever Yelnoc goes, The People will follow and will continue to shine in his left pupil. And when Yelnoc looks up at the sun on a hot Georgian day, he will know that The People are looking back at him. Happy trails, Yelnoc, and may you return to Us one day brining more glory than ever before. I, for one, will miss him.


Senator Duke is the Chief Senate Analyst for The People's Paper. He also serves as the Voice of The People.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

I want to thank these fine men for continuing to provide The People with quality news since June 2011. Friends, through my whiskey clouded eyes, I can proudly proclaim this newspaper is the finest in this land, publishing quality articles with thoughtful musings and and intellectually stimulating conversation. We will continue to support this great country and welcome your donations via cash, credit, cashiers check, or debit card. Thank you.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

Thank you, Cathcon, for taking the time out of your catholic conservative schedule to bring The People back to the forefront of this great country. And thank you, tmth, for taking your time out of this lovely Indianan Sunday to speak with us. Because of People like you, this country remains great.

While I am not part of the Mideast, and thank god I am not, you all have fine choices for governor, and I am sure that fine region will make the right decision. The People's will is strong in your part of the country. This I promise.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

"Don't limit yourself to one jurisdiction. Embrace the world, for it is your jurisdiction."

- The People

Please interview Ben. Just because no one ever interviews me doesn't mean he should suffer the same fate.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

It would be strange for my employer to interview me, so no. I am merely being an advocate for Ben.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

Thank you for recognizing The People's Ticket in your interview, Mecha. It means a lot to Us all over this country.

[Fmr. Pres. Duke]

OP-ED: The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same

A few months ago, Atlasia changed forever. The two major parties, the RPP and the JCP were dissolved with a tidal wave of public support. People blamed the two parties for making the game stale, elections predictable, and for making the game too difficult for new members to break through. It was awful, really, so the opponents of the two parties said. A few weeks later, elements within both parties began to call for something to be done, and a standoff between the RPP and JCP leadership ensued, both sides negotiating a way to hold a vote that would not hurt their respective parties in case one party did not vote to disband. Long story short, both parties voted for it and were dismantled.

Out of the dust and ashes, a tremendous power vacuumed was left. For years, the names Yankee, bgwah, BK, tmth, Duke, and others loomed as party bosses. These men powered the GOTV during elections, talked strategy, targeted voters and led people to the polls election after election. After the fall of the parties, the game seemed to be dying off. Atlasian elections fell from 100+ voters an election to under 70. Senate activity became scarce. The old guard left the game entirely, leaving just a few to pick up the pieces. Out of the smoldering heat rose the Liberals, Labor, Whigs, and Imperial Bloc parties, all with different leadership. These parties worked independently for a while and saw activity plummet.

Recently, however, a new trend has arisen: the movement back to the two party system. A few weeks ago, the right leaning Whigs, Imperial Blocs and MCPR agreed to an open primary, agreeing that the winner shall be the nominee of the parties. President Napoleon replaced the retired Kaljewi with Labor member Nathan, creating a unity ticket for the upcoming election, despite the Labor’s technically running their own candidate.

With the eventual unification of the right, will this lead to a united left, much like the right did in the days of the RPP to combat the JCP and SDP unification? And was all the fuss and hubbub over dissolution for naught? It seems today in Atlasia, we are still all about party, except the parties just have weaker leadership and are more ideological. The government has not changed. Napoleon was a known quantity in the old Atlasia. Yankee, BK, AndrewCT, Marokai, TJ and SBane were all involved in Atlasia before the dissolution. Not much has changed in this game, except things are arguably less interesting. We have lost great members like bgwah, jas, earl,  SnowGuy, Junkie, Brandon, and the like. Was it worth it to lose all those who contributed in the past? I say that is the biggest loss. While we have seen an uptick in voting and a return of some old members like Bacon King and Marokai, we are a far cry from the days of yore.

I maintain that we are not far off from another two party system. As I argued before the dissolution, a two party system is always going to be the natural state of things, and there is never really going to be a way to combat it.  I look forward to seeing if my predictions are correct in the future. I haven’t been wrong yet.


Senator Duke is the Chief Senate Analyst for The People's Paper. He is not affiliated with the Legislature mentioned above and has not donated any personal funds to its either representative discussed therein.