Chapter Three: Buckets of Warm Piss

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Apparently I'm a political cartoonist for this paper now or something.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Cath's Cartoon Corner


Ambassador Cathcon is The People's political cartoonist and a former Mideast Assemblyman. He was recently hired by The People and looks forward to a long career with them.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

That was beautiful man. Well wishes Yelnoc.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Governor ZuWo to Seek Re-election,
Update on ME Gubernatorial Race

by Cathcon

On June 28th, 2012, Governor ZuWo (Whig-KY) announced his re-election campaign. This humble reporter, representing The People, asked him about his term, and he was happy to respond to The People. The Governor views his accomplishments in office as seeing a flurry of activity under his reign. He's proud of "the introduction of several bills dealing with a variety of issues" as well as the first "Questioning the Power" session. In the future, he plans to continuing cooperation with the Assembly--which could see more than five candidates this time around--and moving forward to tackling the budget.

On June 30th, a poll was released by the A-Bob Research Center. In it, the Governor was matched up against four possible contenders for his office, those being: Speaker of the House HappyWarrior, then-Vice President Tmthforu94, then-SoIA 20RP12, and Game Moderator Shua. In this poll, consisting of roughly 17 participants, ZuWo looked to be beating three rather comfortably. However, in the polling against the Vice President, he was being beaten by one vote. In a much more recent survey by ScottSurveys begun on July 3rd, the only options given were Governor ZuWo and Vice President Tmthforu94. As of now, ZuWo is beating "Tmth" ten to six.

The Mideast Gubernatorial: ZuWo v Tmth?

Left: Governor ZuWo (W-KY) announcing his re-election bid
Right: former Vice President Tmthforu94 (MCPR-IN) announcing formation of an exploratory committee

The nation's former Vice President himself formed an exploratory committee on July 1st and looks to becoming more and more of a potential candidates. As for the other three labeled as potential candidates by the A-Bob Research Center, 20RP12 is running for Mideast Assembly, Shua is being retained by President Napoleon in his position as Game Moderator, and HappyWarrior is running for re-election to the Assembly.

Cathcon is The People's correspondent to the Mideast as well as The People's Cartoonist. He has served over five terms in the Mideast Assembly. As of now he is President Napoleon's appointee to the position of Ambassador.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Interview with Governor ZuWo (W-ME)

The People's very own Mideast Correspondent Cathcon sat down with Governor ZuWo today in an exclusive interview to ask him about the upcoming Gubernatorial election, his past term as Governor, the ongoing Mideast Assembly race, and his thoughts on the future...

TPP: So you're running for re-election. What do you think your chances are?

Actually I am optimistic. I think I have done a decent job so far both in terms of activity and policy and I am confident that the voters will acknowledge that in September.

TPP: Are you threatened by the potential candidacy of former President Tmthforu94? How does recent polling affect your outlook on the race?

I try to remind myself that it doesn’t matter who my opponent is and that polls have to be taken with a grain of salt. At this point, the most important for me is to focus on my job and my gubernatorial duties. If I manage to do that and make a contribution to improve our region things will turn out fine no matter what happens. I know that the election is likely to be close but I am here to do the best for the region, have fun and enjoy the game so I am not going to lose sleep over who my potential opponent will be and what the polls look like at the moment.

TPP: What do you view as the major accomplishments of your first term?

The wiki. The regional wiki was in a bad condition when I took office and is almost completely updated now. I am not the only one who should be credited for this since citizen Tmthforu94 also helped to update the wiki, but I can say that I certainly did what I had to do regarding the wiki. Also, the first regional “question time session” has been held in my tenure and many more are to follow. I have also introduced a couple of bills which have and will keep the Assembly busy. Last but not least, I took the necessary steps to continue our budget process and I am proud to say we are very close to introducing a first complete draft of the budget to the Assembly. This will be a historical moment for our region; a real milestone.
A personal highlight – though I was not directly involved in it – was Judge Franzl’s ruling on the abortion case. Back during my time in the Assembly I had introduced the abortion bill which was then brought to court so I was extremely relieved when Franzl ruled in favour of the pro-life side. TJ, who defended the Mideast government in court, deserves a big “thank you” for his work as well.


TPP: What things would you like to do in your hypothetical second term?

I think the budget will take up most of my and the Assembly’s time, so this will definitely be my priority. It is of prime importance that we manage to balance the budget. Additionally, I will continue to get in touch with the citizens of our region and encourage them to participate in the political process. I will try to achieve this both by introducing bills on my own, putting forward sensible reform ideas and keeping citizens updated on my work in different ways (e.g. in my office thread, the “question time sessions”, by publishing polls on different issues). In short, you can expect me to govern in the very same way should I be re-elected as Governor.

TPP: Now, you lost your own attempt at the Presidency back in February 2012. Would you ever consider running again? Maybe in October?

If I’ve learnt one lesson in my life then it’s “never say never”. But frankly, I don’t see myself running for President anytime soon. While it’s great fun it’s also an exhausting and sometimes nerve-racking endeavour. And let’s face it; I don’t think I will ever have a shot at being elected unless I become Mitt Romney 2.0 and flip-flop on every major issue.
I am very happy as Governor and intend to remain Governor for as long as I enjoy the job (and the voters approve of me, I should add ) – Emperor PiT and his impressive terms is a great example of what I envision .


TPP: What are your thoughts on the newly elected President, Napoleon?

I guess I don’t have to pretend that I enthusiastically supported Napoleon’s candidacy. However, the people have spoken and I am ready to give Napoleon and his administration time so they can show that they are able to have a positive impact on Atlasia. If he succeeds and can move Atlasia forward I will be glad.

TPP: Are there any major figures in the Whig Party you see as potential candidates in future elections? Do you think any of these have a chance against President Napoleon or other political opponents?

The Whig Party is in a comfortable position right now. We have numerous highly qualified members who are able to serve in any office – be it as Senator, Governor or even as President. Simfan, Clarence, A-Bob and TJ (in no particular order) immediately come to mind. They are experienced and proven politicians. On the other hand, we have aspiring and enthusiastic newbies such as Hagrid or Supersonic who I think can make a difference in this game as well and there are certainly more. Then there’s the person who is conducting this great interview with me – if he is willing to spend some of his time on Atlasia he has a great future ahead of him! 
But the truth is, the right has an inherent political disadvantage in this game and has a hard time winning presidential elections so regardless of the quality of our candidates it’s almost impossible to be victorious. That’s why I am not even sure whether we, the Atlasian right, should still compete in future presidential elections. It may be more fruitful to focus on the Senate and regional governments.


TPP: What are your thoughts on the Mideast Assembly election?The quality of the candidates? Are there any you'd like to publicly support or are already doing so?

I haven’t fully made up my mind yet so I won’t state who I am going to vote for at this point. However, I have made clear that both a candidate’s political views and his activity levels play a role in my decision. In fact, the question whether a candidate will be an active Assemblyman or not has an even bigger significance for me than whether he sees eye to eye with me on every issue. Overall I am happy with the quality of the field and I’m looking forward to working together with any of the candidates.

TPP: The GM has reported that in this last month, unemployment has risen in the region. What do you view as the cause of this, is this a cause for concern, and if so, what do you view as the solution to it?

Nations in general and smaller entities like individual regions in particular are often subject to global economic trends that we can hardly influence and I think that’s the reason why our economy is still in a critical condition and why the unemployment figures are far from satisfying. Then again, I believe the low corporate tax rates in our region will lead to economic recovery and growth and are an important tool to fight unemployment since they encourage enterprises to invest in our region and hire people. That’s why I will not tackle the looming budget deficit by advocating for tax increases. I believe that our low tax rates are an asset and should not be changed.

TPP: What is your opinion of The People?

Yellow wakes The People wake me up in the morning. Yellow gets The People get me on the bike in my office every day. Yellow has The People have taught me the true meaning of sacrifice. Yellow makes The People make me suffer. Yellow is The People are the reason I'm here.

Lance Armstrong Governor ZuWo

Thank you for the interview!

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

For some reason or another, The People have not been update lately and have fallen into a state of stagnancy. However, The People will not let this stand, and so they bring you, The People, for your enjoyment, an interview with Gubernatorial candidate and former Vice President Tmthforu94 (MCPR-ME)!


Why do you want to be Governor?

As I've stated before, I believe I've learned a lot through this game, and I'm honestly grateful for all this game has taught me. It is my wish and desire that many other Atlasians share the same experience I do. I'm running for Governor to do just that, and also to create a stronger, more unified region.

What is your opinion of Governor ZuWo's work?

I will commend ZuWo on not being inactive as Governor, something other region's have struggled with in the past. I do think there are some policy disagreements between us - we've run into disagreements on how to balance the budget. We also have some disagreements on animal rights, as well as the Assembly size. I disagree with him also on signing the "Common Courtesy While Driving Act". While previous experience and results are important, I encourage Mideasterners to remember that this election is about improving the Mideast region over the next four months - who do you truly believe would better serve as our region's Governor?

Should you identify any problems in the Mideast, do you think you would have viable solutions to them?

Well, several have already been identified and have been pointed out in my platform, which I encourage all readers to go read at some point during this campaign. I am absolutely confident that if any new problems arise during my tenure, I have the experience and the capabilities to work with folks of differing ideologies to come up with a solution that'll face us all.

Do you feel your breadth of experience, from Governor to President, and even VP, has given you a good insight into running things in Atlasia?

Absolutely - If experience was the only thing that mattered in this game, I'd probably beat most people pretty handily. I am thankful for all of the opportunities I have had in this game - serving in such a variety of positions has given me an enormous amount of insight on many different issues, and I think that type of experience on both the regional and federal level would certainly be beneficial to me if I become Governor, especially due to the fact I've served as Governor before. I think I should be able to understand the responsibilities of the Governor.

Do you feel that any scandal that took place during your tenure as President will affect the campaign?

Unless people start grasping at straws, I don't think so. I have made my apologies, and we have all moved on. I think that's evident in the fact that two of the people most involved/effected by that scandal, Assemblyman 20RP12 and President Napoleon, are both backing my bid for Governor.

Do you feel this campaign, on both sides, has seen a new amount of negativity not familiar in the Mideast?

My campaign is doing it's best to stay on a positive, issue-oriented campaign, because I think that's the type of campaign that would best serve or region. I have been disappointed by the nature of the campaign thus far - it's difficult, as I want to defend myself, but at the same time, don't want so much negativity surrounding our region.

I would encourage my opponent to do a cease-fire - this has gone on long enough. Yesterday, a new attack was unleashed on me by the Governor, something that no one seems to be concerned with but him.  I've been called erratic, a liar, and my integrity has been attacked. Additionally, my attempts to work with the Governor on the budget has just been met by rejection and a slew of more negativity. This just isn't the type of leadership the Mideast deserves, which is why I'm asking for a clean campaign going forward.

How do you address charges by some conservatives of your actions on the national stage, sometimes viewed as "treasonous" to the cause of the Right in Atlasia?

Well, these charges have never really been brought out and center, so to me it's just a rumor. I'm proud to be the only center-right President Atlasia has had in years. At the same time, I'm not a rubber stamp for a particular ideology or party. I actually did have an interest not too long ago in joining the Whigs as a moderate member, but was told by then-Chairman ZuWo that I would not be welcome, basically because of my vote of Napoleon, someone who I am proud to have voted for and I believe he's done a terrific job.

I've done a lot of good for the "Right of Atlasia" - to call be a traitor because of my desire to work with both sides and voting for center and center-left candidates occasionally is just silly.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Can I get an interview

You're the Mideast Senator right? I guess that's in my jurisdiction. Do you also count as the Chairman of the Nat. Sec. Committee?

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

"Don't limit yourself to one jurisdiction. Embrace the world, for it is your jurisdiction."

- The People

Please interview Ben. Just because no one ever interviews me doesn't mean he should suffer the same fate.

Aww, does Duke, a mere servant of The People, desire an interview as well? The People would be glad to grant him one.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

You must be logged in to read this quote.

This is friggin' deep man. Beautiful. Any more of those skittles?

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

While this thread is near the top, I'd like to note that I've taken a leave from The People's Paper to run my presidential campaign.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Also, would it be possible for correspondent Mechaman to do another profile of the candidates as he did in the past?

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

How unsurprising that The Paper refers to me as a "piece of shit, yet wishes Mr. Marokai well on his campaign. Very little surprise at all.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '13 by Cathcon
Chapter One: Decision Point

For those of you not familiar with the IRC, it is one of the most frequented locations for many of the nation's premier political trend-setters. Despite this fact, it barely resembles such. It is, quite frankly, a smoke filled dive. Whether that smoke be of tobacco, or of something else, is not for me to judge. The room is dominated by a large central table, where visitors converse. A lone light hangs over its center.

 Across the table, I could make out the shadowy figures of those that I shared the room with. A few stand out, though the details are foggy--or rather smokey. There are many folks that were in there at one point or another. Oakvale, Cincinnatus, Snowstalker, and many more. Some were engaging in conversation, some merely milled about in the shadows, far away from the room's only light source. In any case, for those of us that were talking, discussion centered on the upcoming election. The Napoleon era, at least under the definition it was classified as during the time, was coming to a close.

I had spent quite some time building experience in various areas of Atlasian politics. While those that know me know primarily of my long service in the Mideast Assembly, I nevertheless served in our nation's diplomatic corps during Napoleon's first term, first as our nation's At-Large Ambassador, then as Secretary of External Affairs. Now, sitting that room, feet on the table as I secondhand smoked whatever the Hell it was my colleagues were partaking in, my ambitions were as large as ever. Therefore, I began inquiring as to whether a run of mine would be well received by the Atlasian public. However, my sights were at that point still not fixed on the Presidency. With the New Year approaching, and with it the election (In February) I began inquiry as to whether I should run for Atlasia's Vice Presidency. While some were amenable to that, it seemed many wanted me to aim for the nation's highest office instead.

Returning to the IRC in the following days, the subject of my potential run seemed to dominate the conversation. With people who, though not political allies were nonetheless prominent Atlasians and folks who ended up second preferencing me, encouraging me as someone who they believe could represent the Right well, I was soon faced with an important decision. The Right was then (and still is) in a slump. The newly created Federalist party, having started at the beginnign of Napoleon's second term, was in need of a candidate. Several of our heavyweights, ZuWo, NCYankee (as a Vice Presidential candidate), and so on had already been put forward, whether as Whigs or previously during the days of the RPP. It was then that I rose up from that table, clearing my throat of the various gases and smokes that had invaded it while sitting at there, and made possibly one of the most important decisions of my political career, though one that would be in vain. On January 3rd, at a press conference in front of my office in Lansing, Michigan, I announced I would be running for President of the Dave's Blessed Republic of Atlasia. I made clear my intention to run for the nominations of all parties, in an attempt to unite The People Themselves behind my candidacy. I knew such a road would not be popular in the deeply partisan world of Atlasia. Many career politicians fear such overwhelming tides of Popular support, and I have no doubt that my stated intentions were anathema to many of the old pols in the Labor and Liberals parties. Such would be the attacks leveled against me in the days to come as I embarked on the mind-freeing and consciousness-expanding journey into the unknown.

Cath "Cathdawg" Con is The People's correspondent to the Mideast, The People's cartoonist, and a well known legislator and diplomat throughout Atlasia. He is perhaps best known for his recently completed campaign for Atlasia's presidency in February, 2013.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Am I correct in understanding, then, that the Napoleon era has been redefined?

Since your re-entry into the Senate, 'twould seem so.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Chapter Two: Startiness

In this Dave-awful country, here's one piece of advice. If you want to win a race, start early. Then, use your personal connections and friendships to get oaths of fealty and political support. Take the example of my friends in the IRC. On the nights following my announcement, as I attempted to rally support thanks to my connections at the dive, I learned a dear lesson of Atlasian politics. While I'd been busy wondering if a campaign of mine was too ambitious, the fact was that Marokai had been securing support from these very folks the entire time! The fact was that the best way to get support was to enter early and use folks' personal feelings of loyalty for your own gain. What was this damned so-called establishment for if not for using connections? In fact, probably the kindest messages I got in response to my candidacy came from people who had already pledged allegiance to MarDuke! "Oh, you seem nice, but I'm already pledged to the Labor ticket." That's like flirting with a married woman for Dave's sake. And in a system where (some) people felt a strange loyalty to a verbal promise, flirting with a married woman got you no good. Let me tell you!

However, there was some comfort. My early platform--what ended up being the only platform published by my campaign, much to my dismay--had a bullet point on it concerning the introduction of a White House staff, congressional liaisons, and a Presidential advisory board. Any seasoned political veteran could tell this was political code for patronage. And lots of it. If there has been one overriding issue that I have felt a deep personal connection to, it has been appointed offices. After all, how else could I explain my various points in the Assembly, which were in large part due to repeated appointments to said office. And more importantly, how else but shameless begging and a well placed nomination to the Senate would I have been able to make my entrance into Atlasia's diplomatic corps? I believe in loyalty. That is the central foundation of society in my opinion, and if creating offices so people could be appointed to them was how I made my bones in this Dave-forsaken system, I wasn't going to abandon the other grovelling office seekers. And it seemed no one had caught on.

Nevertheless, despite what appeared to be a lost cause, things were looking well. In early polls, I was shown either closely behind or tied with Marokai. I'd even gotten good results in response to polling that had William McKinley as my running mate. I could not trust the polls however. This campaign would depend on hard work, determination, and more than a lot of luck. The Atlasian right, whether the RPP, the Whigs, or the Federalists, was by all accounts a failure in political experimentation. The last time any election had been won was two years ago in February, 2011. Such halcyon days were but a distant memory. Instead, Atlasia was stained by the dark and pervasive shadow of the Liberal party, and we were no doubt the worse for it. Despite the Liberals failing to even run a candidate--more on that disgrace later. I mean for Dave's sake, we at least ran a damned candidate!--that stain would not disappear shortly. Rather, I'd say it has only deepened its presence since the results were made clear.

Cath "Cathdawg" Con is The People's political cartoonist and a prominent voice in both Mideast and Atlasian politics. He is perhaps best known for his recently completed campaign for Atlasia's presidency in February, 2013.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Also, fear (and loathe) not, the series will continue. Things have just been busy.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Chapter Three: Buckets of Warm Piss

It has oft been remarked that the Vice Presidency is worth not even a bucket of warm piss. While we could debate the market value of said piss, the labor and costs took to produce it, its usefulness, and so on, it is best merely to accept the phrase and move on. It was because of this quality that I originally had my sights set on a few running mates. I would ponder, late at night mind you, who it was that really was worth about or less than a bucket of warm piss. It truly was a quandary. Then it hit me. While sifting through the fumes of everyone's favorite dive, the IRC, I stumbled over the near corpse of one of its regulars. Oakvale, the distinguished Senator of Irish descent, was passed out on the ground, covered in some sort of alcohol or another, cigarette hanging from his half-open mouth. It was then that it hit me. While attempting to right my brain and free it from the ravages of whatever drug gnawed at it that night, I managed to blurt out "Hey oakvale, be my running mate!" This after all, was the man who was "mediocre at best". He, not responding, was deserving a well placed kick. And so I, leaning on with my left hand on a chair and my right on the table, proceeded to do so to his stomach. He woke with a start, and turned towards me. "What the Hell do you want?" It was then that I began discussing my idea for a unity ticket between myself, the greatest defender of liberty Atlasia had ever seen, and he, one of our greatest legislators. While at first he seemed friendly, he was forced to reveal to me that his loyalty was already promised to that damned MarDuke ticket. "Well screw him" I thought, and moved on.

A couple nights later, lamenting my lack of a running mate, I bumped into a very tall, Norwegian looking man with a Minnesota accent. "Snowguy", I thought, "of course. Only one man could truly equal the worth of a bucket of warm piss like he." As I sidled on over and began talking to Snowdawg, dressed in blue jeans and a flannel shirt, he seemed friendly. We shared our thoughts on religion, politics, and so on while chugging down beers served by the greasy bartender by the name of Cincinnatus. Eventually, I got around to asking him. He at first told me "Nah, dawg, I can't. MarDuke already got me." However, later in the conversation, he seemed to be preparing to announce a Cathcon/Snowdawg ticket, much to my elation. Nevertheless, as the night drew to a close and I attempted to get a confirmation from him, he merely stuck up his middle, sausage-sized finger at me and stumbled off into the night. Damn Minnesotans. Screw him!

By this point I'd been reduced to a mental shambles. Marokai, running a joke campaign, had somehow managed to win the loyalty of some of Atlasia's most trend-setting citizens. Crying into my beer--recall that I'm a very masculine sort, and so this crying was very unlike myself, such as my grief--that damned Hybernian strode over to me and plopped his Irish ass into the seat on my left. As I dragged from my cigarette, Oakvale spoke to me and recommended Spamage, the distinguished Senator from Oregon. Recently elected, he had previously served as Governor of his region and had worked wonders there. After a bit of convincing, I relented. I had made my decision: If I couldn't get a running mate worth a bucket of warm piss, I'd have to get one of even greater value. Spamage it would be. Much to my relief, the Oregonian accepted, thus forging the famed Cathcon/Spamage ticket.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Considering reinvigorating my memoirs, maybe in a third-person Gospel-like format.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Fear & Loathing: On the Campaign Trail ’13 Rewrite

Book I
I invoke thee, muses. Sing of the wrath of Cathcon, who brought countless ills upon the Laborals.
Many a voter did it send soaring to the heavens, with hope of a revival of the Atlasian people.
And many a voter did it send to the voting booths, for fear of his election.
For so were the counsels of Dave fulfilled the day Cathcon, son of the Organist, took on himself the mantle of leader of the Federalist Party.

As the reign of Napoleon I came to a close in Atlasia, Cathcon wandered down into Mibbitia and began speaking in the public forum. 
Conversation among the plebeians naturally wandered towards talk of Napoleon’s imminent abdication and of who should replace him.
Cathcon, like many there, had served in his region’s Assembly for several terms and had the distinction of being a former member of Napoleon’s administration, first as Ambassador, then as Secretary of External Affairs. 
 A member of the Federalist faction, a remnant of the Atlasian right, Cathcon’s name began being discussed in the context of being a candidate for the Presidency.
Cathcon, retired—temporarily, he insisted—from that life, laughed at such suggestions.
After all, he was hardly of the caliber of those that had sought the Presidency before him: ZuWo, Jbrase, and so on.
Instead, Cathcon returned to his hovel in the Mideast, resuming his studies in art of organizing, first taught to him by his father.
History, however, has a way of making kings and leaders of even the most reluctant heroes.

That would not be the last time Cathcon felt the call.
In the days to follow as he resumed the work of his father in the Temple of Dave, he felt a longing to return to Mibbitia.
And so Cathcon’s mind strayed from his duties and he found himself returning more and more the forums at Mibbitia.
Among those in those days that spoke in Mibbitia were the famed oakvale—The Hibernian, Snowguy716—a friend of heir apparent Marokai Blue, and Jbrase—servant of the Imperial Dominion of the South, and countless others.
In speaking with some of these and a number of the several unnamed, the restless Mideasterner came to a decision.
It was here that Cathcon began his ministry, one that would take him closer to the seat of power than he had ever sat before, and one that would save the soul of mankind.