I think I need some personal advice

[Middle-aged Europe]

Let's assume you're out dancing with a very close (female) friend and a (male) buddy of yours. The female friend has been in a serious relationship for quite some time now.

Everybody has a couple of drinks. You leave them for about five minutes and when you come back you see your female friend and your male buddy kissing and making out. Worse yet, they sort of leave you behind eventually and disappear after a brief good-bye.

What do you do? Pretend that nothing happened? Confront her the next day about it? Contact *her* best female friend (who seems to be a pretty reasonable person and all) on Facebook and ask her for advice?

I don't really know how to deal with this kind of situation. And I wonder what will happen next time we're out together. I know that friend of mine for some time now and until this day she had never stricken me as the kind of person who would do something like this. And I think it significantly lowers my opinion of her, although I really have cared about her so far.

[© tweed]

Do nothing, obviously

[tik 🪀✨]

Since your opinion of her has already dropped, you should feel no qualms the next time you're out about asking her for a special favour. That's what you meant, right?

[Middle-aged Europe]

Since your opinion of her has already dropped, you should feel no qualms the next time you're out about asking her for a special favour. That's what you meant, right?

Asshole.

[dead0man]

Are you friends with the girl's significant other?

That's really the important question here.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Are you friends with the girl's significant other?

That's really the important question here.

One of them, certainly.

If so, talk to him/her (the significant other). Maybe find a disinterested third party to discuss what to say (but then again, that's kind of what you're doing here, isn't it?).

If not, talk to the girl's aforementioned best female friend.

Don't do nothing, but try to handle this within a circle of involved people.

[Gustaf]

It really depends on the exact nature of your relationship with everyone involved. My spontaneous answer would probably be to do nothing though. I'm generally skeptical towards busy-bodying into peoples' lives. They're adults, let them make their mistakes.

[tpfkaw]

It's both none of your business and sorta douchey to insert yourself into the situation, so don't.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

I don't hold to this currently fashionable idea that a friend who enables or legitimizes through omission the terrible decisions of others is any sort of friend. Be complicit or tell somebody, don't half-ass it like a vagina lacking in gorm.

[Platypus]

Run a mile. If you MUST talk about it, only talk with the guy involved, and at a stretch, if you must, but you shouldn't, the girl.

[tik 🪀✨]

Since your opinion of her has already dropped, you should feel no qualms the next time you're out about asking her for a special favour. That's what you meant, right?

Asshole.

Oh, loosen up, will you? People will screw around with each other. If whoever is involved is important to you then weigh the consequences between confronting them or ignoring it. And if you don't like their answer then cut off the friendship indirectly if you can't stand their behaviour.

[Simfan34]

I don't hold to this currently fashionable idea that a friend who enables or legitimizes through omission the terrible decisions of others is any sort of friend. Be complicit or tell somebody, don't half-ass it like a vagina lacking in gorm.

Thank you!

[Joe Biden 2020]

I grew up with the notion that if I had a problem with person A, I would go directly to person A.  I wouldn't go try to ask person F who might tell me to ask person R who can get a force together to talk to persons A and B.  No, in my opinion, and the way I was raised, you would be much more of a man to talk directly to the couple.  Asking third and fourth parties is even more douchey and makes you look less of a man than by talking directly to the people you have the problem with.  You have to be courteous and professional, but tell them, that you were hurt, not so much by them being together but by leaving you by yourself (hopefully not with the tab).  Trust me, it is the hardest thing in the world to do sometimes to go straight to the offenders.  I have failed at that many times, but every time I do go straight to the offender it makes things a whole lot easier.  The advice about doing nothing, I would STRONGLY advise against, it will hurt you and could unintentionally hurt someone else in the long run because you will bottle the emotions inside and then the pressure will be so great that something will trigger it and unleash everything that was inside.  You just need to be courteous, professional, and frank when talking to the girl and your other friend.

I wish you the best of success in that.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Bushie, just so we're clear, uh...you do understand why this situation is so delicate, right?

[Joe Biden 2020]

Bushie, just so we're clear, uh...you do understand why this situation is so delicate, right?

Yes, I do, but I also know that delicacy changes very little.  The girl would appreciate it more if he went straight to her and be courteous and honest with her.

EDIT:  Just so we're clear, I've been in his shoes, not once but twice.  The first time I went behind her back and asked her friends and I felt like the worst person in the world.  My self esteem was shot for a long time, not to mention that damaged my relationship with the girl.

The second time, I learned from my mistake the first time and went straight to the girl and I felt a lot better about it and our friendship is still strong to this day.  I wasn't mean, but I was honest.

Put yourself in the girl's shoes.  Wouldn't you appreciate it if the person who was hurt came directly to you instead of broadcasting it all over the place and asking your entire circle of friends about it.   This is a very delicate situation, that's why even more crucial to go straight to the offender.

You have to remember, I'm 30 years old here and I have a little bit of wisdom, I've been in his shoes and I'm just looking out for my brother.

[Simfan34]

Bushie, just so we're clear, uh...you do understand why this situation is so delicate, right?

Yes, I do, but I also know that delicacy changes very little.  The girl would appreciate it more if he went straight to her and be courteous and honest with her.

EDIT:  Just so we're clear, I've been in his shoes, not once but twice.  The first time I went behind her back and asked her friends and I felt like the worst person in the world.  My self esteem was shot for a long time, not to mention that damaged my relationship with the girl.

The second time, I learned from my mistake the first time and went straight to the girl and I felt a lot better about it and our friendship is still strong to this day.  I wasn't mean, but I was honest.

Put yourself in the girl's shoes.  Wouldn't you appreciate it if the person who was hurt came directly to you instead of broadcasting it all over the place and asking your entire circle of friends about it.   This is a very delicate situation, that's why even more crucial to go straight to the offender.

You have to remember, I'm 30 years old here and I have a little bit of wisdom, I've been in his shoes and I'm just looking out for my brother.

While the irony here is supreme to the point of parody, I think Bushie is on to something. A circuitous route will only lead to a great big blowup. But don't go tell the girl, confront the guy.

[Joe Biden 2020]

Bushie, just so we're clear, uh...you do understand why this situation is so delicate, right?

Yes, I do, but I also know that delicacy changes very little.  The girl would appreciate it more if he went straight to her and be courteous and honest with her.

EDIT:  Just so we're clear, I've been in his shoes, not once but twice.  The first time I went behind her back and asked her friends and I felt like the worst person in the world.  My self esteem was shot for a long time, not to mention that damaged my relationship with the girl.

The second time, I learned from my mistake the first time and went straight to the girl and I felt a lot better about it and our friendship is still strong to this day.  I wasn't mean, but I was honest.

Put yourself in the girl's shoes.  Wouldn't you appreciate it if the person who was hurt came directly to you instead of broadcasting it all over the place and asking your entire circle of friends about it.   This is a very delicate situation, that's why even more crucial to go straight to the offender.

You have to remember, I'm 30 years old here and I have a little bit of wisdom, I've been in his shoes and I'm just looking out for my brother.

While the irony here is supreme to the point of parody, I think Bushie is on to something. A circuitous route will only lead to a great big blowup. But don't go tell the girl, confront the guy.

If the guy was one of the offenders, as it is in this case, then by all means go to the guy.  Just make sure you talk to one of the offenders.  Sometimes men can be easier to talk to, strange as it may sound.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Bushie, just so we're clear, uh...you do understand why this situation is so delicate, right?

Yes, I do, but I also know that delicacy changes very little.  The girl would appreciate it more if he went straight to her and be courteous and honest with her.

EDIT:  Just so we're clear, I've been in his shoes, not once but twice.  The first time I went behind her back and asked her friends and I felt like the worst person in the world.  My self esteem was shot for a long time, not to mention that damaged my relationship with the girl.

The second time, I learned from my mistake the first time and went straight to the girl and I felt a lot better about it and our friendship is still strong to this day.  I wasn't mean, but I was honest.

Put yourself in the girl's shoes.  Wouldn't you appreciate it if the person who was hurt came directly to you instead of broadcasting it all over the place and asking your entire circle of friends about it.   This is a very delicate situation, that's why even more crucial to go straight to the offender.

You have to remember, I'm 30 years old here and I have a little bit of wisdom, I've been in his shoes and I'm just looking out for my brother.

You have more experience with this than I do, then.

I'm just interested in Old Europe saying or doing something. I do believe that not doing so would be a disservice to his friends.

[Joe Biden 2020]

Bushie, just so we're clear, uh...you do understand why this situation is so delicate, right?

Yes, I do, but I also know that delicacy changes very little.  The girl would appreciate it more if he went straight to her and be courteous and honest with her.

EDIT:  Just so we're clear, I've been in his shoes, not once but twice.  The first time I went behind her back and asked her friends and I felt like the worst person in the world.  My self esteem was shot for a long time, not to mention that damaged my relationship with the girl.

The second time, I learned from my mistake the first time and went straight to the girl and I felt a lot better about it and our friendship is still strong to this day.  I wasn't mean, but I was honest.

Put yourself in the girl's shoes.  Wouldn't you appreciate it if the person who was hurt came directly to you instead of broadcasting it all over the place and asking your entire circle of friends about it.   This is a very delicate situation, that's why even more crucial to go straight to the offender.

You have to remember, I'm 30 years old here and I have a little bit of wisdom, I've been in his shoes and I'm just looking out for my brother.

You have more experience with this than I do, then.

I'm just interested in Old Europe saying or doing something. I do believe that not doing so would be a disservice to his friends.

I am too, I just want him to do it the right way.  As Simfan said, going around the circle will cause a massive explosion and that's actually worse than not saying anything.  Nobody wants to see a friendship or several friendships thrown away at this juncture, he needs to be a man about this and at least go to the guy.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Bushie, just so we're clear, uh...you do understand why this situation is so delicate, right?

Yes, I do, but I also know that delicacy changes very little.  The girl would appreciate it more if he went straight to her and be courteous and honest with her.

EDIT:  Just so we're clear, I've been in his shoes, not once but twice.  The first time I went behind her back and asked her friends and I felt like the worst person in the world.  My self esteem was shot for a long time, not to mention that damaged my relationship with the girl.

The second time, I learned from my mistake the first time and went straight to the girl and I felt a lot better about it and our friendship is still strong to this day.  I wasn't mean, but I was honest.

Put yourself in the girl's shoes.  Wouldn't you appreciate it if the person who was hurt came directly to you instead of broadcasting it all over the place and asking your entire circle of friends about it.   This is a very delicate situation, that's why even more crucial to go straight to the offender.

You have to remember, I'm 30 years old here and I have a little bit of wisdom, I've been in his shoes and I'm just looking out for my brother.

You have more experience with this than I do, then.

I'm just interested in Old Europe saying or doing something. I do believe that not doing so would be a disservice to his friends.

I am too, I just want him to do it the right way.  As Simfan said, going around the circle will cause a massive explosion and that's actually worse than not saying anything.  Nobody wants to see a friendship or several friendships thrown away at this juncture, he needs to be a man about this and at least go to the guy.

I tend to be cautious in situations like this (perhaps overly so), so I'd go to maybe one other person first, just to work out what to say, but it would definitely be a bad idea to actually scout around for advice from multiple people in whatever social circles Old Europe and these friends of his run in, or to treat it as a way to avoid talking to the people principally concerned.

[Joe Biden 2020]

Bushie, just so we're clear, uh...you do understand why this situation is so delicate, right?

Yes, I do, but I also know that delicacy changes very little.  The girl would appreciate it more if he went straight to her and be courteous and honest with her.

EDIT:  Just so we're clear, I've been in his shoes, not once but twice.  The first time I went behind her back and asked her friends and I felt like the worst person in the world.  My self esteem was shot for a long time, not to mention that damaged my relationship with the girl.

The second time, I learned from my mistake the first time and went straight to the girl and I felt a lot better about it and our friendship is still strong to this day.  I wasn't mean, but I was honest.

Put yourself in the girl's shoes.  Wouldn't you appreciate it if the person who was hurt came directly to you instead of broadcasting it all over the place and asking your entire circle of friends about it.   This is a very delicate situation, that's why even more crucial to go straight to the offender.

You have to remember, I'm 30 years old here and I have a little bit of wisdom, I've been in his shoes and I'm just looking out for my brother.

You have more experience with this than I do, then.

I'm just interested in Old Europe saying or doing something. I do believe that not doing so would be a disservice to his friends.

I am too, I just want him to do it the right way.  As Simfan said, going around the circle will cause a massive explosion and that's actually worse than not saying anything.  Nobody wants to see a friendship or several friendships thrown away at this juncture, he needs to be a man about this and at least go to the guy.

I tend to be cautious in situations like this (perhaps overly so), so I'd go to maybe one other person first, just to work out what to say, but it would definitely be a bad idea to actually scout around for advice from multiple people in whatever social circles Old Europe and these friends of his run in, or to treat it as a way to avoid talking to the people principally concerned.

I believe that's what he's doing by asking the forum.  People who will never see or talk to the couple.  (Just don't let them read the forum or you're dead!!)

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Bushie, just so we're clear, uh...you do understand why this situation is so delicate, right?

Yes, I do, but I also know that delicacy changes very little.  The girl would appreciate it more if he went straight to her and be courteous and honest with her.

EDIT:  Just so we're clear, I've been in his shoes, not once but twice.  The first time I went behind her back and asked her friends and I felt like the worst person in the world.  My self esteem was shot for a long time, not to mention that damaged my relationship with the girl.

The second time, I learned from my mistake the first time and went straight to the girl and I felt a lot better about it and our friendship is still strong to this day.  I wasn't mean, but I was honest.

Put yourself in the girl's shoes.  Wouldn't you appreciate it if the person who was hurt came directly to you instead of broadcasting it all over the place and asking your entire circle of friends about it.   This is a very delicate situation, that's why even more crucial to go straight to the offender.

You have to remember, I'm 30 years old here and I have a little bit of wisdom, I've been in his shoes and I'm just looking out for my brother.

You have more experience with this than I do, then.

I'm just interested in Old Europe saying or doing something. I do believe that not doing so would be a disservice to his friends.

I am too, I just want him to do it the right way.  As Simfan said, going around the circle will cause a massive explosion and that's actually worse than not saying anything.  Nobody wants to see a friendship or several friendships thrown away at this juncture, he needs to be a man about this and at least go to the guy.

I tend to be cautious in situations like this (perhaps overly so), so I'd go to maybe one other person first, just to work out what to say, but it would definitely be a bad idea to actually scout around for advice from multiple people in whatever social circles Old Europe and these friends of his run in, or to treat it as a way to avoid talking to the people principally concerned.

I believe that's what he's doing by asking the forum.  People who will never see or talk to the couple.  (Just don't let them read the forum or you're dead!!)

Point taken. I meant one other person who has some conception of who the people involved are and what they're like. Then again, that's just what I personally would do, and I have a track record that's both sparse and decidedly mixed when it comes to dealing with things like this.

[Oakvale]

It really depends on the exact nature of your relationship with everyone involved. My spontaneous answer would probably be to do nothing though. I'm generally skeptical towards busy-bodying into peoples' lives. They're adults, let them make their mistakes.

It's both none of your business and sorta douchey to insert yourself into the situation, so don't.

^^ Yep. It's very unlikely that meddling in the situation helps anyone, and it almost certainly doesn't turn out well for you. I think doing nothing is the safest option here.

Like Gustaf, said, they're adults, they can make their own mistakes.

[Napoleon]

Nathan, if Bushie thinks its a good idea...it's not a good idea...

[Paul Kemp]

Since your opinion of her has already dropped, you should feel no qualms the next time you're out about asking her for a special favour. That's what you meant, right?

+1