My gran died. Mixed emotions.

[afleitch]

So my grandmother died. It was peaceful and she was suffering from worsening dementia so I am relieved that she’s gone now rather than later.

My grandmother was a woman of little initiative. She never tried at anything and had very little by way of accomplishment other than her two children, one a spoiled and self obsessed woman who continued to leech of her parents well into adulthood and the other, thankfully was my dad. She was the support act to a rather brutal husband who had little time for his son. It was only when she took ill that my grandfather realised how much he relief on him and on how much she enabled him. It left him, in these last few years exposed, vulnerable and perhaps just a little sorry.

My dad left home very young and forged his own path marrying my mum in 1975. My mum was not welcomed into the family. She was Catholic which was difficult for the dour Presbyterian family to accept. The sour reception she received from my grandmother continued, even though my mum went out of her way to be both nice and genuine with her. The family’s general contempt for my dad and disinterest in my mum continued when we arrived. My mum and dad gave them four grandchildren who like most grandchildren tried everything to appease them. However she showed little interest in us. The fact that my brother was the first in our family to make it to university was not a cause for celebration. Hard work and hard graft meant nothing to them. My aunt and her children were spoiled with foreign holidays and gifts and suprises. My dad got multi-packs of cigarettes.

I was scared of my gran. She hardly looked at me, or asked me how I was. When I was finished school for the day, I was told to go to my nana (my mum’s mum who is an amazing lady) or go to my gran. Rather than go to my gran’s I would sit in the back garden by myself. Sometimes for an hour. The times I did go, I would do my homework. I would occasionally get something to drink. Nothing much was said. My cousins were feted by my gran and grampa, even spoiled. My family accepted it and never felt worse for it and things got better when I became old enough to realise not being liked wasn’t my fault.

I will be at the funeral for my dad’s sake. He is the one good thing that came of her.

[Torie]

Unlike your friends, you can't choose your kin. I am estranged from one of my brothers, didn't speak to my aunt for about 15 years (I do now that she is only half there, and much more tolerable), have 4 female cousins sired by my dad's older brother who basically hate each other, and two other female cousins (the daughters of my aunt from whom I was estranged), who also really don't like each other, as one is systematically looting what is left of my aunt's assets since her husband earns about a tenth of what it takes for her to live the lifestyle to which she thinks she is entitled (which in not so many years, is going to come to a crashing end).  But hey, I love my younger "birding" brother, and my nephew when he is semi sane.

What I have learned to do is just compartmentalize, and get on with my own life. In the end, one finds that one is quite alone in this world, even when others are in it. We are both so lucky though to have/had fantastic dads. In looking at my extended clan, I got in my dad the best of the lot going away. Luck helps in life doesn't it?

[Phony Moderate]

Sorry to hear that and sorry that you (so it seems) didn't have the best relationship with her. My gran on my dad's side had (we are pretty sure) dementia too, although it was never diagnosed. RIP.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

I understand your feelings, alfeitch. I had similary mixed emotions in a very similar moment.

[Grumpier Than Uncle Joe]

My sympathies....Torie's advice is sound.....many of us have been there with estranged family members.

My best to your family.

[CLARENCE 2015!]

My condolences... I can relate very much to this...I became estranged from a very dear member of my family in 1991 and saw him only at his mother's funeral since that time. I respect Torie's advice and I wish I could take that attitude- I never met my father and maybe because of that the thought of having family out there who I haven'tspoken to in years pains me every day...

[Badger]

Afleitch, it sounds as if your dad developed some strong character despite his folks, as did you.  Your aunt clearly didn't, and I'm guessing your cousins didn't either. All the materlial indulgences they received didn't help, and in fact probably hurt their development. Count your blessings in that your dad, and thus you, dodged that bullet.

Wish your grandmother's soul, warts and all, well on her journey, and try to forgive her failings, extensive though they were.

[k-onmmunist]

We all have our faults - it's tragic when they come between family or friends. My sympathies are with you.

[Lambsbread]

I'm very sorry to hear this, afleitch. But, as you said, she went peacefully and so now she can't suffer anymore. My condolences.

[Simfan34]

I'm blessed to consider such situations completely unimaginable in our family.  My sympathies, afleitch, and may she find peace one way or another.

[afleitch]

The funeral was today. It was a very nice service.

I didn't cry at the service, though seeing my dad upset and seeing my wonderful Nana embracing my Grampa was emotional.

One thing I learned about my gran was the life she had when she was young. Her father built and ran John Maclachlans Store just around the corner from where I used to live. My own nana used to go to get sweets there as a little girl. She then worked in various department stores as a girl and when she married my grampa, he built the house they lived in.

I also found out she survived this;



The Graftons Store fire in 1949. She was rescued by a fireman but 13 other girls died.

Quite an interesting life. Overall it was a good day.

[Atlas Has Shrugged]

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandmother At least she went peacefully. I can relate to you in the sense that my fathers mother is very much like your fathers mother. And your fathers sister very much like my fathers sister. And that your mother is a Catholic disliked by a Protestant family, and mine is a Protestant disliked by a Catholic family. Strange coincidences, it was like reading about my own family. I will be keeping both your family and your partners immigration/marriage issue in my prayers.

[Fmr President & Senator Polnut]

When my grandmother died last year it was equally weird.

I wasn't close to her, because I only had very rare interactions with my father's family since my father died when I was 8. As normally happens in that situation, my mother's family became essentially my family and my father's were 'relatives'.

With them I always had to be the one to take the initiative, my sister resents them deeply, I don't understand, but it's not worth the grudge.

What's sad is that when we (my grandmother and I) were in the same city, her dementia was so severe that she had no idea who I was. So I did spent a lot more time with her, but it wasn't the same person. I was told her pneumonia was clouding her heart, so it wouldn't be long, I went up and spent an hour alone with her. She died the next day.

But the thing is at the funeral, the other grandchildren, even the great-grandchildren would talk about her and I really had no idea who they were talking about... I went and did readings and was a pallbearer to represent my father.

So I understand the mixed emotions thing...