The Comedy Goldmine

[Paul Kemp]

I was too lazy to make breakfast today so I went to McDonald's and got 2 egg mcmuffins, no cheese, no candian bacon, and no english muffin.   250 calories tops.

[Lambsbread]

Context:

TX

[Grumpier Than Uncle Joe]

Context:

TX

Good man!  I purposefully left off the smilies to see if anyone would get it! 

[Warren 4 Secretary of Everything]

I would give up the ability to speak in exchange for sex with Bacon King.

[Paul Kemp]

with the latest severe wx outbreak, bushie's 'diet' has been suspended until further notice.

Good.  He'll be going back to 3 sloppy joes instead of 4.

[King]

Good Saturday Evening!  It is a much better day weather wise today.  It's so nice to see bright sunshine and know that the sunshine is not leading to instability and destructive tornadoes.   In fact, we're supposed to remain dry all the way through Tuesday.  Mom and I were able to get out of the house this morning and exchange my refrigerator that quit cooling yesterday afternoon.  We tried several different power outlets and it didn't come on, so we found the receipt and exchanged it.  Then, we met Dad at Santa Fe Steak House for lunch where I did get a Chicken Sandwich.  It was pretty tasty.  A lot better than I thought it would be.  Mom and I then took a stroll around Walmart for 30-40 minutes shopping, so I got a little bit of walking in at Walmart.  I didn't use my app, because I was so focused on conversing with my mother.  We just got home about 20 minutes ago.  A little bit later this afternoon, I've got to go to the church and rehearse my sermon for tomorrow morning.  I'm hoping we have power at the church, otherwise, we will be having church the old fashioned way.  Outdoors.

[Joe Republic]

Tomorrow, my exercise will consist of about 1-3 hours of swimming in my cousin's pool.  While I don't know how to swim, I can at least glide along the shallow end of the pool width wise from side to side.  I can do that back and forth several times.  I'll also have maybe one or two grilled hamburgers that my Pastor will fix along with some corn and possibly a few cucumber slices on the side for lunch.  It depends on what they have to fix.  I won't eat a whole lot, as I want to be able to swim without being too full.

[H.E. VOLODYMYR ZELENKSYY]

I would give up the ability to speak in exchange for sex with Bacon King.

Continuing on that theme:

I would give up the ability to speak in exchange for sex with Bacon King.

That's nothing. I would give up the ability to have sex in exchange for being able to speak with Bacon King.

[Joe Republic]

I'll be honest, Hockey, I'm a little jealous!  I've always wanted to join the Navy for another reason - to have the American Flag draped over my casket.  Alas, the Navy wasn't in God's plans for my life.

[Lambsbread]

I'll be honest, Hockey, I'm a little jealous!  I've always wanted to join the Navy for another reason - to have the American Flag draped over my casket. 

Emo.

[Antonio the Sixth]

Blair is maybe the only Labour British PM I have any affinity towards.  Him and GW made a handsome couple...

Too bad gay marriage wasn't an option back then.

[Paul Kemp]

Mars attacks

Have you ever farted but realized you just had diarreah?

[King]

I went to the drink fountain with the intention of getting a diet drink, but I accidentally hit the Dr Pepper lever.  I didn't realize it until the cup was full.

[Torie]

I went to the drink fountain with the intention of getting a diet drink, but I accidentally hit the Dr Pepper lever.  I didn't realize it until the cup was full.

The rest of the story being no doubt that he consumed the accidental beverage, because he had an excuse - in his own mind. Suppose the machine had spit out hemlock? No doubt, consume that too, because you can, and you had already paid for it.

[Kitteh]

That whole post is pretty f'ing hilarious:

I went to the drink fountain with the intention of getting a diet drink, but I accidentally hit the Dr Pepper lever.  I didn't realize it until the cup was full.  Also, the fries only brought it up from 350 to 730 calories according to the McDonald's menu.  So, the regular Dr. Pepper brought it up to probably 1,050-1,100 calories.  That's not THAT bad, especially when I've only had 450 calories up until dinner.

[Leftbehind]

'Drinks fountain' lol.

[Joe Republic]

On Apple products:

I vowed a long time ago never to buy anything that has a piece of half eaten fruit as its logo.

[King]

On Apple products:

I vowed a long time ago never to buy anything that has a piece of half eaten fruit as its logo.

If only there were a technology company with Grilled Hamburgers as its logo.

[Joe Republic]

This is better without context:

He gave me that shot in my bum, but my headache just laughed...

[Paul Kemp]

This is better without context:

He gave me that shot in my bum, but my headache just laughed...

I hate when Bushie thinks he's clever.

[Хahar 🤔]

This is better without context:

He gave me that shot in my bum, but my headache just laughed...

Is Bushie a Mad Men character?

[Filuwaúrdjan]

It makes a degree of sense: he could certainly be used to illustrate wider themes about America.

[True Federalist (진정한 연방 주의자)]

Does anybody know why Bushie uses military time?

It's not that it's "military time;" he just recognizes that that's how they do it in most other countries. Oklahomans are cosmopolitan like that.

[Mad Deadly Worldwide Communist Gangster Computer God]

Actually I almost got suspended about six months before the lie to the cops.

I pulled a prank consisting of showing kids a disgusting video, and my friend was on the sidelines. Basically, friend starts running his mouth on Tumblr about me, I start kicking around the idea of "ing knocking this er the  out" and "putting this ing ing er in his place". I also tell this friend that "I'm in ing beastmode" and that "Nobody will ing stop me this Monday."

That Monday I came down with the flu. Naturally, this kid tells everyone he knows that I'm faking it. My excuse is that "I'm not Michael ing Jordan, I'm not in shape for fighting with the ing flu." Thursday, my grandfather dies, and I have to spend most of the next week down in PA for the funeral, and apparently I'm faking that too according to him. This also means I can't go to the Winter Classic to watch my Flyers take on the Rangers. Between those two things, a lot more inks-laden rants and Facebook messages got sent. Then, that Friday, I show up, he doesn't. After the funeral and I return, on the last Friday of the year, I finally see him, hop up, and say "Surprise, er. You wanna talk , say it to my ing face." I just hear him faintly mutter "**** off" and bolt to his next class.

Since it was two weeks since he started running his mouth, I just let that speak for himself.

[Lambsbread]

BK/Sawx for supreme dictators