The Comedy Goldmine

[Goldwater]

I think the Liberals losing the Northeast Senate seat to TPP is also worth mentioning.

And by "losing" do you mean handing the seat to them a silver platter?

While the Liberal Party did hand Nix the Northeast Senate seat on a platter, it was merely gilded with silver.

[Goldwater]

YEAH LET'S GET ON THE ATLAS FORUM LIKE A TOTAL REACTIONARY FUCKTARD AND TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH OF A HERO A RACIST c**ntBASTARD LIKE STROM THURMOND WAS AND THEN ACT ALL TOUGHGUY ASSHOLE ABOUT IT AND SEE WHAT KIND OF RESPONSE WE GET!  YEAH HOO!!!!

LET'S ALSO CALL SOME GUY A f****t COS OBVIOUSLY ONLY f****tS DISLIKE DIXIECRATS!

[/PLAYS BANJO]

[Goldwater]

2016

The year is 2016. Nine armed terrorists affiliated with white supremacist groups have taken control of the DNC, threatening to hold the entire convention hostage until their demands are met. Their demands, including a return to the Southern Democratic platform of 1860 and the appointment of State Sen. Hillbilly32 and State Rep. David Duke as the party's ticket in November, are met. They are to keep the party officials hostage to ensure that the ticket receives serious funding. Democratic Senator Brian Schweitzer manages to escape from the convention when Bill Clinton creates a diversion and Mayor Rahm Emanuel cusses em out while Sen. Cory Booker overpowers one of them to escape out a back exit.

At the RNC, meanwhile, similar shenanigans are occurring. Rep. Peter King has stood up to nominate Sen. Marco Rubio as the party's nominee, with House Majority Leader Darrell Issa as his running mate. However, former Vermont Governor Jim Douglas enters another name into nomination: Rep. Oldiesfreak1854 of Michigan, noted historical revisionist. Rep. Oldiesfreak had previously run an unsuccessful presidential campaign, carrying only his home state of Michigan and Northern New England. Despite being crushed in the popular vote, it appears that (through rather undemocratic means) Oldiesfreak's followers (known as 'the freaks') have succeeded in controlling a majority of state delegations. Oldiesfreak is duly nominated, and chooses his fellow historical revisionist President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, attempting to draw a sharp contrast with the current administration due to Gallup polling suggesting that President Ahmadinejad was overwhelmingly preferred by rural voters over incumbent President Obama.

Gov. Brian Sandoval, alongside Gov. Susana Martinez and Gov. Mitch Daniels for the Republicans and Sen. Brian Schweitzer, Sen. Cory Booker, and other minor Democrats who did not attend the convention, announce the formation of the National Union Party, which has as its main two planks non-racism and acceptance of history (the party would later add several more policy planks that allow it to remain cohesive, tending towards centrist/center-right fiscal views and centrist-to-left social views). National Union, while it has great popular support, is lacking in fundraising due to a takeover of the RNC apparatus by the freaks and the aforementioned situation with the Democrats.

On election day, early results are not favorable for the National Union. Oldiesfreak had unexpectedly pulled out victories in New Jersey (despite the vigorous campaigning of Gov. Chris Christie for the National Union ticket), Connecticut, and ME-02, while results from the South suggested that Hillbilly32 had an unprecedented 80% of the Southern vote, because he was popular amongst all southerners, including an inconceivable 98% of the black vote because black like him. Going through the night, the only state in the Midwest the National Union ticket wins is Illinois (due to splitting between downstate and the black vote in Chicago). However, NU dominates in the West.

FINAL ELECTORAL TOTALS

State Sen. Hillbilly32 (D-FL)/State Rep. David Duke (R-LA): 206 EVs, 31% of the PV
Sen. Brian Schweitzer (NU-MT)/Gov. Brian Sandoval (NU-NV): 198 EVs, 54% of the PV
Rep. Oldiesfreak1854 (R-MI)/former Pres. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad(A-IR): 134 EVs, 15% of the PV

[Goldwater]

I'm a postmoderate.  We pomos are different from traditional moderates.  We place everything on a political matrix in the shape of a sphere.  We place any sentence that can be identified as a "political stance" on the surface of said sphere as an extremist position.  We then fill the rest of the sphere with empty space and place our position at the center.

The centered position is formed by collecting all the statements of the sphere surface, breaking them down as words, and finding the ten most common words spoken.   These ten words the form the ten word sentence of our belief on any said issue.

[Goldwater]

Wait, but he wants sex within a marriage legal?!?!?!?!?!


All I have to say is


RINO

[Goldwater]

"I'm Mitt Romney, and I support common-sense solutions for America that will improve citizens' lives, free up the private sector to create wealth and jobs, and get this country and this economy back on track. And one of those common-sense solutions is to make sure that all Americans who want to marry and make a commitment to the individual he or she loves, and wants to start a family, are able to do so. Families are the building blocks of our society and they are what strengthens our social fabric. And that's why I'm proud to support marriage for all couples.

...

...there, I said it. You think now I'll get to be president in four years? What did we do with all the left over PAC money? Is it still in that Swiss bank that doesn't report to the IRS?"

"Um, Mr. Romney, the camera is still on."

"It is? Well, gosh, just be sure to edit that last part out."

"This is live, sir."

"#$%&!!!"

[Goldwater]

Barry Goldwater never died, he was kidnapped by the KGB and escaped and now posts on Atlas Forum under the name Goldwater. It's the old hide-somewhere-so-obvious-nobody-would-ever-think-of-it trick.

[Goldwater]

Gov. Simfan34 (R-NY)/Fmr. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (R-AL) 391 Electoral Votes
Gov. KenyaObama (T-AR)/Sen. Ted Cruz (T-TX) 134 Electoral Votes
Rep. Mondale84 (D-OR)/Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) 13 Electoral Votes

The Simfan/Rice ticket, with its "leftist Marxist agenda", loses the support of the Tea Party, who then create a new tea party, breaking off from the Republican Party. KenyaObama vows that the Islamic, Kenyan, murdering, Southern hating, socialists shall never again rule the U.S.A. The Democrats pick Representative Mondale as their nominee, who picks Senator Warren as his running mate. With the split within the GOP, it looks like the Dems will have an easy victory. However the Friday before the election, phone calls from Mondale84 campaign headquarters are leaked out, tying him to embezzlement, voter fraud, deals with terrorists, affairs with nine of his secretaries, Jaywalking, DUI, granting violent felons early prison release in Oregon, plots to imprison Inks.LWC when he comes to power, plotting to execute billionaires, and stealing puppies. The country is horrified, and many people, even life long democrats rally around the moderate Simfan/Rice ticket. KenyaObama and Cruz do well among conservatives, while Simfan does well with some conservatives he does extremely well with moderates, and also with liberals. Leaving only Washington D.C. and, for some reason, Minnesota to Mondale.

[Goldwater]

Obama has apologized to Kamala Harris for calling her the best looking Attorney General. 

No word yet on when he'll be apologizing to all the other Attorney Generals for the slight.

[Goldwater]

He's a misbehaving child, he needs a time out.

[Goldwater]

I have no idea who those men are.

[Goldwater]

You must be logged in to read this quote.

Probably never.

[/quote]

[Goldwater]

Leif is a Viking and the person who really discovered America.

Link is a fictional fantasy character who wears green and saves the kingdom of Hyrule from a Man-Bear-Pig guy named Ganon/dorf.

How do you confuse them?

[Goldwater]

The whole thread is filled with hilarity, but this one in particular cracked me up.

[Goldwater]

2014:

Inks.LWC Supports Brian Schweitzer



E: 8.40
S: -0.50

"guys i think i'm turning into a socialist"

[Goldwater]

Sitting behind the desk in the oval office, being free to decide whether to push that red button in his suitcase or just get on the phone and call in the marines.

[Goldwater]

Political views that range from dangerous to evil. That said, awesome guy. FF.

[Goldwater]

Um, no. It is rather difficult to be a gay virgin, unless you are fat and ugly. I am neither.

Or you live in a place where another gay guy who isn't in the closet is difficult impossible to find (except for one who's actually a literal HP).

Adam is in eastbumf**k Georgia and still gets laid. There's no reason you can't.

I dunno, Eastbumf**k sounds like a great place to live if you are gay.

[Goldwater]

I wouldn't out any of these in my top three. Out of these, Washington is easily the best, but if I were required to select these three as my top three, I'd rank them as:

1. Washington
2. FDR
3. Lincoln

Interesting. Why FDR over Lincoln?

FDR's actions may have been terrible, but Lincoln basically took a sh**t on the US constitutional system of government. He sent countless Americans to their deaths (while sending them to kill people he considered his own citizens) in the name of the noble cause of remaining in the same country as slave owners. He centralized power and transformed the US into an imperial military state. Lincoln was basically the real life version of Chancellor Palpatine in Star Wars Episodes 1-3 (though I wouldn't go as far as to say that Lincoln's actions were as criminal as those movies).

So... Lincoln was actually leader of the Confederacy as well and was able to corrupt a young Unionist by the name of Ulysses S. Grant to the Dark Side and have him kill his fellow generals, upon which Lincoln donned a hooded robe and proclaimed himself Emperor? Seems legit.