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Author Topic: A Flawless Solution to the African Crisis  (Read 2092 times)
Snowstalker's Last Stand
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« on: January 17, 2013, 07:03:55 pm »

I wrote this satirical essay for extra credit in a gifted education class I have; after reading A Modest Proposal, I was to write an essay tackling an issue in his basic style.

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A Flawless Solution to the African Crisis


It is no small feat to truly grasp the squalid conditions which pervade sub-Saharan Africa. Ever since their independence, the dark continent has been marred in violence, poverty, disease, crime, corruption, and starvation. But on the other side of the Mediterranean, their former colonial masters--France, Britain, Germany, Italy, Spain--are among the richest nations in the world. These nations are clearly obligated to help their former imperial vassals in some way, as they once did.

But the root of the African problem lies not in any fault of the well-intentioned Europeans. The Belgian king’s conquest and plunder of the Congo led to industrialization and more resources for his nation, whatever the minor side effects there may have been. France did its best to hold Algeria’s hand, and to this day lends its bombs and tanks and planes to valiantly spread peace across the continent. On Africa’s rich Gold Coast, the British, Spanish, and Portuguese found willing workers to help tend the cotton and sugar plantations in the New World.

Africa had no problems worth even a brief mention while under the warm, caring grasp of the enlightened European peoples. After they were given the opportunity to go free, the continent devolved into anarchy. Even in South Africa, where until just recently the good Dutchmen cared deeply for the unenlightened Zulu and Swahili, violent crime is rampant in the streets. The corrupt, dictatorial governments are either powerless to stop this sickening condition or actively fuel it. Unlike the King of Belgium or Italy’s Il Duce, they are motivated only by acquiring resources and murdering their fellow man.

This is no coincidence. Under distant governments to the north, Africa saw nothing but growth and progress. Under the independent regimes of today, it is filled to death and chaos from Cairo to Cape Town. There can only be one conclusion; the African people, whether they are ruthless dictators or incompetent but well-intentioned, cannot rule themselves without dropping like flies from disease or fighting over the borders that were drawn for them by their old masters. For the dark continent to enter the 21st century, we must look to solutions from the 19th century.

As you, the enlightened Western reader, may have presumed, I speak of the re-colonization of the continent of Africa. The powerful and educated nations, together, must divide the continent into areas to occupy, enlighten, and develop. Unfortunately, this must mean war; war with the armies sent by the corrupt and the totalitarian. But I suspect that the grand conquest of Africa would be less difficult than expected. The poor people, just educated enough to know that the Western armies have come to liberate them, will rise up and assist us in the invasion of their homeland.

Once the entire continent has been freed from one ruler and handed to another, next would come the business of giving each nation its slice of the pie. These negotiations would be run by diplomats, people who I wish not to associate with, but I would give a few suggestions that I hope would be implemented in the final map of Africa.

The Gold Coast, where African workers were generously given the opportunity to work in the New World, would again go to the United States. With many fields untended and fruits still rotting in the orchards, they could use the labor, especially if it comes at no cost of wages or benefits and lasts for the employee’s entire life. The great Congo basin, with its vast untapped resources, would be returned to Belgium. To extract the minerals under the rainforest, only the industrious Belgians could clear the unneeded trees and wildlife and send every man, woman, and especially child to work in the mines. Finally, the “Horn” of Africa would be given to the French, who have already pacified many Africans even after their colonization and could presumably end the piracy from Mogadishu without shedding (French) blood.

To the governing of Africa, I would leave for the empires to figure out themselves. But I have every bit of confidence in their success, given how well they ruled over Africa once before. They would spread not only their progress in medicine, education, and governance, but the values of hard work, thrift, and honesty, which each and every good Western politician holds dear.
Sadly, even the greatest of plans are not without their critics. I wish these unwashed, marijuana-smoking, communist tramps would learn to shut up, cut their hair, take a hot bath, and get a job, but I digress. Surely they will tell me in between sips of their latte, “This is cruel! The African people should rule themselves!” But clearly anyone who looks at history can see that the Europeans can better manage Africa than the natives.

Indeed, in some ways, they already manage Africa. The only reason why the continent has not descended into hellfire is the investments that Europe, America, and China have made here. By helping to start up oil wells and mines, they give the Africans the opportunity to work and extract valuable materials for Westerners to consume without effort. Sometimes the mine’s owners will even be generous enough to pay the miners for their hard work.

If we truly care about the African people, we will work on extending these first steps. Our humane society will surely approve of leading these uneducated people to better jobs, to better schools, to better rulers. We must not, as the reds suggest, work with the existing governments or pay undeserving wages to the miners, or support non-governmental organizations in their efforts to lift Africans from poverty. The only solution without flaw, the solution that will benefit both Africa and its colonists, is to once again bring the Africans under our imperial wing.
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Snowstalker's Last Stand
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« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2013, 11:56:45 am »

Any reception?
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Oakvale
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« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2013, 04:11:05 pm »

More a ripoff of Simfan's prose than Swift's.
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Cath
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« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2013, 04:48:07 pm »

Your sarcastic imperialist views (which translate into serious anti-imperialistic views) are unappreciated.
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sjoyce
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« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2013, 08:04:35 pm »

Your sarcastic imperialist views (which translate into serious anti-imperialistic views) are unappreciated very much appreciated.
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True Federalist
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« Reply #5 on: January 19, 2013, 02:04:08 am »

Europe has already had its turn at colonizing Africa.  Since it's their century, it's time to give the Chinese a chance.
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« Reply #6 on: January 19, 2013, 02:25:35 am »

Europe has already had its turn at colonizing Africa.  Since it's their century, it's time to give the Chinese a chance.

The Chinese prefer to just annoy their neighbors, and kick our asses economically. Somehow they got the USPS to help deliver certain items cheaper from China than it would cost to deliver them domestically. The Chinese are no strangers to Africa, having brought back giraffes before Columbus was born, but they prefer to just be the economic superpower.
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Secret Cavern Survivor
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« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2013, 03:48:33 pm »

Your sarcastic imperialist views (which translate into serious anti-imperialistic views) are unappreciated.

Because imperialism is so awesome.
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