Faith and Love: the Actresses for President TL

[M]

Anyone remember this oldie? I created it about a year ago, and as far as I can tell its one of those files irrevocably lost when the forum crashed. Or so I thought. Being home for the summer, I had the good fortune to check my old computer and found tht I had actually saved the whole TL! So here it is, for those youngsters who don't remember great forum literature and my fellow Old Guarders who want to revisit the scenes of their pre-election youth. As a warning- this TL is utterly impossible and should be taken in the spirit in which it is written. Enjoy.

Part 1: Why we Fight

In 2004, President Bush is narrowly victorious after a fairly quiet week in Iraq, and with economic indicators continuing upward. Although the election was fairly narrow, the bulk of the nation sees it as a "mandate" for continuing the War on Terror as Bush envisions it. In December, President Bush flies to Riyadh to pressure the Saudis on reform. An Islamist putsch hits Saudi Arabia. The Royal family, President Bush, and most foreigners (including Moslems) in the countru are massacred. It soon becomes clear that Al Qaeda elements led the coup, and Iranian jets fly Osama Bin Laden from his secret location in Central Asia to Riyadh.

Acting President Cheney attempts to maintain order in the US, giving a speech before congress and the American people that he never wanted this job, but that he would lead the country to the best of his ability. Cheney, in a wildly contorversial (later on) move, appoints Tom DeLay as VP. This would never have gotten through the Senate except that it was a time of national crisis. Even as people began to very warily get used to the idea of an unelected Cheney-DeLay administration, word came that both Iran, with its quite large army and larger reserves, and the new Islamic Republic of the Arabs, (former Saudi Arabia), with advanced plane and radar technology supplied by the US over the past twenty years, has invaded occupied Iraq. The U.S. is caught unprepared. We hold Basra, but theIranians and Arabians link up to the north of it. The Turkish army pours in to support US positions (this is very uinpopular in Iraq).  Both Pakistan and Egypt, fearing a major change in the balance of power, intervene on the American side, sparking major pro-Islamiscist riots in both nations.

The U.S. govt commissions a renewed "Why we fight" program by the entertainment industry to rally support. This is based on a similar program led by Frank Capra in WWII. The govt begins to work on a movie about national unity. Faith Hill writes and sings a patriotic song, "Do or die", which is very popular and is the first really successful result of the program.

The Arabian planes are getting blown up as they are increasingly unable to operate wahat little high tech they have. The Iranians face massive anti-regime revolutions at home (an interesting contrast to those in Pakistan and Egypt). In July, 2005, The Iranians launch three missiles over Arabian airspace at the cities of Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, and Amman, Jordan. The Israelis are able to successfully whack them in midair using the Arrow-2 missile defense system, and when they fall into the Red Sea they are revealed as primitive fission warheads. The US govt reacts by using a "tactical nuke" in a thinly populated region of Iranian Khuzestan (in the Southwest, which produces oil and is, through geographic necessity, a major supply point in this war. This allows American-Turkish-British forces to link up with the Basra pocket. However, this also causes the cauldron to boil over in Egypt and Pakistan. Egypt and Syria coordinate an invasion of Israel and Jordan, while the US is bogged sown elsewhere. Pakistan launches a nuclear strike on India, but they had secretly purchased elements of the Arrow system from Israel and were able to deflect most of it. However, Srinagar and Jammu Kashmir are largely destroyed. India is forced to shift troops North rapidly and at the same time strikes towards the Paki port of Karachi. Pakistan has prepared for this and attacks along the central front into Indian Punjab, going for Dehli. The US and India knock out all the rest of Pakistan's undeployed nukes.

The release of Battle Cry of Freedom, about a woman, played by Gwyneth Paltrow, who volunteers to fight in the war after the massacre in Riyadh. She observes both the hardship of and the need for war, and the despicable treatment of people, especially women, in the Islamic world. Faith Hill's "Do or die" is the theme song, and both women are wildly popular.

It becomes revealed that some American prisoners who were captured by the armies of the two Islamic Republics (a tiny fraction) were participating in some of the truly atrocious women's rights vilations in those countries (treating women as harem slaves, force to do their bidding). They are known to have a taste for American women wherever they can get 'em (mostly captured soldiers and oil workers). Their is widespread horror in the United States. A widespread women's lib revival, using very militant anti-male rhetoric, picks up in the US, affiliated with a revived anti-war movement.

The draft has been restored in the U.S. France, Germany, Russia, and Japan have all sent troops on a massive scale to fight in the Middle Eastern Front. Japan and Germany had to enact special laws to do this. The Israelis are in danger of buckling in both the Sinai and the Golan. They just don't have enough troops. The Iranian reform protesters were broken up in the wake of the first use of nuclear weapons and are now threatened and disorganized.

October, 2005, a movie, "Soldier of Misfortune", is released dealing with the suffering of a woman soldier, played by Cameron Diaz, Eventually an American POWs buy her and does awful things to her. This movie, intended to be patriotic (it was sponsored by "Why We Fight", strengthens the women's and anti-war movements. In the November elections, the Democrats take both houses of Congress, and women's percentage of positions in congress and state govt skyrockets to over 30%.

The American economy at this point is a war economy. Everyone has a job, but few have good ones. Everyone has adequate necessities, few have luxuries. People are driving ugly little cars, the metal and gas is needed for the war effort.

In early 2006 the tides begin to change. The Israelis and Turks meet up north of Damascus, neutralizing one threat. The reformists have taken to the streets again in Iran following the deaths of Khamenei and Rasfajani in American airstrikes, and are now lead by Khatami's much gutsier younger brother and Khomeniei's grandson. (Real people, just forgot their names.) Egypt has lost the Suez, and American and Europeans have deployed in the Sinai to help the Israelis. Much of formerly Saudi Arabia is occupied, but guerilla resistance continues. The Pakistanis have been ejected from India and lost the Karachi area (Sindh), But are still holding in Kashmir and Punjab. Iranian forces lose Baghdad in June. However, Niorth Korea invades South Korea using a secretly renewed mega-tunnel system. The US is able to knock out their nukes before they can be deployed (not caught sleeping a third time).

Faith Hill and Jennifer Love Hewitt star in "The Stars and Stripes Forever". A stinging rebuke to the increasingly militantly feminist and pacifist Holywood atmosphere, it is the last great work of the "Why we Fight" series. A young war-widow and a woman holding the fort for her husband in the Middle East strive to keep their cool as the world turns upside down- as their friends and acquaintances begin to slander their nation and their men because they viviously oppose a just war. The two become national heres of the pro-war movement overnight. Rudy Giuliani writes an article in the London Times expressing support for the war. It is signed "Sir Rudolph Giuliani". Howard Dean sues Rudy, claiming that Giuliani has used titles of nobility, thus breaking the law. The Second Appeals Court approves this and the Supreme Court won't hear it, despite (or because of)Giuliani's being supported by the wildly unpopular Cheney-DeLay administration. (DeLay has several times referred to the war as a "Crusade Against the Infidel". Giuliani can no longer run for public office. Dean loses all his support for this, however.

[M]

Part 2: A Time for Choosing

In late 2006 and early 2007, Dennis Kucinish, Al Sharpton, Evan Bayh, John Edwards, Tom Vilsack, and Gwyneth Paltrow announce their candidacy for the Democratic nomination. Bayh is seen as too moderate in a crazily polarized country (think of 1973 as being comparaticely like the national unity in WWII and you'll get the idea). Edwards, Kerry's former running mate and current president of Duke University Law School, is popular, but Gwyneth's increasingly biting rhetoric in support of the radical women's movement and against the war, plus her early endorsement by both Clintons and Al Gore, make her a surprising early favorite. No one has any idea who Vilsack is, and the other two are jokes.

For the GOP ring, Cheney announces he will not  be seeking reelection. Tom DeLay announces he will. So do Senators Santorum and Frist, Governor Romney, NSA Rice, and pro-war singer-actress Faith Hill. For now its a real horse race, with Frist ahead. Frist suggests his GOP opponents constitute a "freak show".

In April, 2006 Iran collpases to internal revolution. At this time, Syria, Egypt, Sudan (they joined when Egypt went Islamic) and N. Korea are all under allied military control. the Pakis throw in the trial. A gigantic Nurenberg-style war crimes trial is being prepared in Jerusalem. Pakistan decides to throw in the towel.

In September, President Cheney has his eleventh heart attack and doesn't make it. Tom DeLay is the forty-fifth president of the United States, and the second never elected nationally. His extremely controversial vice-presidential choice is Pat Buchanan. Many American conservatives and right leading moderates publicly and strongly oppose the current govt. DeLay actually sags in the polls greatly following his inauguration.

Guerilla attacks continue in the occupied Islamic countries. The economies of Europe, North America, the Far East (including China because their partners are badly hit), and the Middle East are all in recovery- in short the world economy is quite bad and will take a while to recover. The nations of the world agree to eliinate fairly quickly all tariffs and importation quotas to help speed up regrowth.

In the Iowa Democratic caucuses, Vilsack is victorious, which no one takes seriously. Edward repeats his close second from 2004. Bayh beats Paltrow slightly, but both trail. In the GOP caucuses, DeLay and Santorum steal from each others voting pools, Rice is unable to translate a great mind into a great speaking-debating ability, and Romney is seen as a poor choice because of his hiome state and region (which are ferociously anti-war and rabidly pro-women's movement). Frist is thought to be the likely winner, but Faith Hill, who has crisscrossed Iowa singind "Do or Die" and a more recent hit, a remake of "Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree" which is clearly being sung by a woman going off to war to a man staying behind, is able to upset and beat him narrowly.

In New Hampshire, Romney scores an easy win, with Frist and then Hill somewhat behind and the rest (including DeLay) doing poorly. Condi Rice, who never got off the ground, throws her support behind Hill, claiming that "only a real American womn patriot can stop this madness once and for all". For the Dems, Paltrow pulls a surprise victory (NH often picks mavericks unless a New Englander is running), narrowly beating Edwards and trashing Vilsack and Bayh.

Santorum wins the tiny and little watched Delaware primary. South Carolina is seen as DeLay country. And indeed he does win- but Hill is close behind, with Frist a very disappointing third. Santorum exits the race and endorses DeLay. The Dems hold seven primaries, but everyone concentrates on SC. Here Edwards wins his first real victory. Paltrow has four victories that evening, while Edwards also carries Oklahoma and New Mexico. Bayh and Vilsack both drop from the race. Bayh endorses the less radical Edwards, as do most of the DLC, including Lieberman. Vilsack throws his worthless support behind Gwyneth (it would only have helped in Iowa)

In the Michigan firehouse primary, Paltrow is smashingly victorious, also breezing to victory in Washington. Faith Hill easily takes Arizona, and narrowly takes Michigan thanks to the Southern-origin folks who thre the state to Wallace in the 70s. Her main competition there was Romney, who exits the race and endorses Frist.

Tennesse goes for Edwards, but he narrowly loses Virginia to Paltrow. Paltrow wins Wisconsin and several small Western states with few Dems. Paltrow cals ffor a "women's revolution", an end to a "needless and unjust war of brutal occupation", and a "feminine culture of peace". Faith Hill carries Virginia against her two fellow Southerners (DeLay is failing fast, he is now seen as very meanand negative in addition to being extreme and a failed president. Frist is fairly close behind Hill, and he wins Washington state, but he decides to quit the race and endorse Faith, calling her "the only person who can put this country back in order".

Super Tuesday clinches both nominations. Paltrow wins everywhere but Georgia. Hill takes every state. Edwards drops out and endirses Gwyneth in a speech where he expresses admiration for the women's movement. DeLay decides to wait until Texas to drop officially, knowing he will always be in the history books as having won the second state in the Union after he takes Texas. However, two weeks later Texas rejects him by a decent margin. He endorses Faith, and she says "she's sorry to have that endoresement". Both candidates are known by the Ides of March, and the results are rather surprising, are they not?

Democratic Primaries:

Gwyneth Paltrow
John Edwards
Tom Vilsack
Evan Bayh, Dennis Kucinich, and Al Sharpton won no primaries

Republican Primaries:

Faith Hill
Bill Frist
Mitt Romney
Rick Santorum in Delaware, Tom DeLay in South Carolina
Condoleeza Rice won no primaries

[M]

Part 3: Meet the Candidates

CNN hosts an interview of the two potential First Gentlemen: Tim McGraw and Chris Martin. McGraw connects to ordinary Americans: a poor boy abandoned by a father he didn't know for years, who made himself great by his own bootsrtaps. Chris Martin comes across as foreign and not serious, especially since a point is made in the interview that he got Gwyneth pregnant before marrying her and he responds "so what?". Tim McGraw tells him that the institution of marriage is sacred to most Americans, and the rest of the interviews becomes a culture wars thing with McGraw looking good.

Paltrow campaigns on a platform that she will withdraw from the Islamic world immediately, end the draft, support the new women's lib culture and its agenda, and end the new tariffs and quota reductions to support American workers ( this was in fact the most popular move of the Cheney and DeLay presidencies, so this is fairly unpopular). Faith says that we must remake the Islamic world the same way we did Germany and Japan after WWII, and immediate withdrawal would be disastrous, that the draft is necessary until that is done, that free trade is vital to restore the world economy, that "as a woman, I can tell you that we owe our menfolk a great debt. We're all equal in this country, and we girls need to respect the other half of the human race the way they respect us", and she wants make Hollywood pro-America again, as it was from WWII-the early 60s, and in the early days of the recent Great Middle Eastern War. Paltrow claims is this last is finly veiled censorship.

Early campaign adds go negative. Paltrow calls Hill a "Christian evengelical, anti-woman woman, who wants to be president so she can inherit Dick and Tom's toy soldiers". Hill calls Paltrow a "foreign leftist extremist, who doesn't love America, and would overturn our very civilization".

In the first debate in June, hosted by Fox News' Brit Hume, Faith is able to beat Gwyneth to a pulp. Gwyneth comes across as extreme and shrill, while Hill's down to earth sense of propriety, national pride, and "compassionate conservatism" makes her appear the very preferred choice.

Uprisings across the Islamic world cause allied casulaties in the thousands that take weeks to put down. Gwyneth looks stronger now than she has all camoaign. In the July Democratic convention in Los Angeles, Gwyneth gives a speech demanding immediate withdrawal from the Middle East. She selects Cameron Diaz as her running mate saying "our salvation is from women and from Hollywood, because *real* women want peace and, like it or not, as no one trusts the government or the military any more, we are the effective leaders of America". Diaz gives a speech which ius obviously prepared and poorly delivered.

At the August Republican primary in Nashville, Faith Hill selects Jennifer Love Hewitt as her running mate. It turns out ex-Senator Fred Thompson was offered the job first, but turned it down because he said "this country needs a woman this election. We have to prove not all ladies want to destroy our God-given democracy". Hill and Hewitt seem to get along quite well and give smilar speeches invoking G-d, American values, belief in the military, "real equality- no reverse discrimination!", and supporting our boys and girls oversees for the remainder of the war. At the end of the convention a banner is rolled down from the ceilind, it reads: "Faith and Love for America"! The convention is a big hit, and with the war in the MidEast cooling a bit and the economy at its current normal pace (abysmal by prewar standards), Faith is doing quite well in the polls.

The second debate is largely a repeat of the first- Faith Hill suggests that "Gwyneth here is running for Prime Minister of the wrong country". In the Vice-Presidential debate, Hewitt is able to skewer Diaz, since Diaz has a few (poorly) prepared statements and, when forced to come up with answers to questions on her own, she does not know what she is talking about. She eventually bursts into tears and tells Jennifer Love Hewitt that she is "so mean!" a large part of the audience boos Hewitt and the host, CNN's Connie Chung, seems sympathetic to Diaz. But American viewers of the (by far) most watched debates in American history disagree, identifying Hewitt as the debate winner by an 81-12% margin and rejecting the designation of Hewitt as mean by 56-34%.

Lame duck Vice President Pat Buchanan suggests that Gwyneth is the "Jewish antichrist". Faith Hill goes on television angrily rejecting this statement, but her poll numbers still plummet significantly. Then in October, at the third and final debate, Gwyneth announces she will use her British accent at the debate to prove that she is "a president for the world". The TV audience takes this rather poorly, but in Britain, where she is overwhelmingly favored anyway, her poll numbers go up a bit more.

As Election Day approaches, the world waits with baited breath. Will the Americans elect a Republican to the White House despite the very, very bad Cheney-DeLay and especially DeLay-Buchanan administrations? will Gwyneth be America's first Jewish President, and Diaz America's first Hispanic Vice-President (although both appelations are stretches)? Will America choose a country or rock singer as its first First Gentleman? We'll soon know.

The Republican Ticket


Hill                         Hewitt

The Democratic Ticket

Paltrow               Diaz

[M]

Part 4: The Votes are in and Counted

No one is at all surprised when the states of Indiana and Kentucky are called for Hill-Hewitt at 6:00.



At 7:00, South Carolina, Georgia, and Virginia are called for Faith. Vermont is called for Gwyneth. New Hampshire and Florida remain too close to call. Faith is doing huge in North Florida, but many Cubans are switching party lines to vote for Diaz. After all, falling the death of Castro in 2007 and the free election of Oswaldo Paya, why not?



At 7:25, New Hampshire is called for Gwyneth. This is a disappointment for the Faith and Love campaign, but had been expected by most since Romney's New England protest surge. Anyway, no one listened to country in New England.

At 7:30, North Carolina and West Virginia are called for Hill. The Democrats are disappointed that WV wasn't even close, but Hill had traveled to Wheeling to sing "West Virginia" near the end of the campaign, and the state was crazy about her. Ohio is too close to call (Appears to be a classic North-South divide).



At 7:50 Paltrow pulls off a win in Ohio. This is quite a blow.

At 8:00, Alabama, Kansas,  Mississippi, Missouri (only St. Louis voted Gwyneth, Kansas City went big for Faith), Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas are called for Hill. Connecticut, Delaware, DC, Illinois (despite a strong Hill showing in the south), all of Maine, Maryland (despite Hill successes in the west), Massachusates, Michigan (despite a large vote for Hill from Michiganders of Southern origins), and New Jersey go for Gwyneth. Pennsylvania is too close to call.



At 8:15 Florida is called for Hill. It truns out many Cubans did stick with the GOP, though the defecters made it close. At 8:25 it appears that Gwyneth has pulled off a victory in Pennsylvania, despite the west being very pro-Hill.

At 8:30 Arkansas is called for Hill.



At 9:00, Arizona, Colorado, Louisiana, all of Nebraska, New Mexico (seems country does trump that surname!), North Dakota, South Dakota, and Wyoming are called for Faith. New York, Rhode Island, and Wisconsin go for Gwyneth. However, the dems are disapppointed to not that Minnesota remains too close to call, with the GOP currently leading.



At 9:35, Minnesota is called for Faith. They were undergoing realignment anyway, and it seems they were heartland enough to prefer a country heroine to a foreign bimbo.

At 10:00, Idaho, Iowa (another nice surprise for Faith), Montana and Utah go for Faith. But Nevada is called for Gwyneth, it seems that employment in Nevada has shrunk with the decline in tourism caused by the war and recovering economy.



At 11:00, California, Washington, Oregon, and Hawaii are called for Gwyneth. Hill did well in the Eastern parts of those states, But the West Coast was solidly liberal, pro-Hollywood, pro[women's movement, and international looking. Alaska will decide the election. For most observers, its all over but the shouting.



At midnight Alaska is called for Faith. Gwyneth gives a tearful concession speech where she announces she will return to her two mansions in France and Spain because this country is weird and overly patriotic. Faith Hill sings the "Circle of Life" from "Lion King", and when she gets to "through faith and love" everyone cheers. then she talks about how "its time to believe in America again. In the men and women who are created equal, in the soldiers and the entertainers and all the rest who make this country great. It is time for an era of Faith and Love for America!"



Everyone cheers this announcement. If you look closely at a picture of the victory speech, you will see me near the front cheering as loud as any of them for the victory of the gorgeous pair I spent so long interning for. Nowadays I don't see much of my old employers Faith and Love anymore, unfortunately; they're busy girls, and I'm busy helping Natalie Portman get elected PM of Israel.

[Hitchabrut]

Natalie Portman is hot, but I'd much rather see Netanyahu back in power.

[M]

Natalie Portman is hot, but I'd much rather see Netanyahu back in power.

Dated Portman.
Voted Netanyahu.
Woke up with Sharon.

[Max Power]

Natalie Portman is hot, but I'd much rather see Netanyahu back in power.

Dated Portman.
Voted Netanyahu.
Woke up with Sharon.

You're a funny guy, M.

Read the story. It is well written! It was fascinating.

[M]

Thanks a lot! Check out my new TL, it's not funny but it's even better.