The Trump Presidency: My Best Timeline Ever

[Wells]

dis gon b gud

[Wells]

The New York Times in Late December:

In A Surprise Move, The Senate Confirms Garland


trump tower

Trump: why? I won Americans don't want him waaaaaaaaa *Tweets Angrily*

Conway: Hillary Clinton won the popular vote, so I guess the Senate is honoring thei -

Trump: _{You're fired.}

Conway:

Trump: We don't mention the popular vote in my (White) House.

Conway:


CNN five minutes later

Wolf Blitzer: Trump has come under fire for tweeting that Mitch McConnell is a Nazi for allowing Garland to be accepted.


Mitch's house

McConnell: oh no he caught me

[Wells]

The White House

Trump: I'm president now nananananana.

Pence: . . .

Bannon: I'm Chief of Staff ya!

Trump: What's a cabinet again?

Bannon: It's like a box you put stuff in.

Trump: I'll order a gold plated one from Jhina. We're gonna have the best cabinet folks!

[Wells]

February 2017

Trump: Okay I have my secretaries laid out.

Bannon: I think you lock them in the cabinet.

Pence: *shakes head*

Pence: *laughs*

Pence: I'll pretend you never said that.

[Wells]

Trump's Cabinet

Vice President - Mike Pence
Secretary of State - Rudy Giuliani
Secretary of the Treasury - Steven Mnuchin
Secretary of Defense - Jeff Sessions
Attorney General - Chris Christie
Secretary of the Interior - Sarah Palin
Secretary of Agriculture - Sid Miller
Secretary of Commerce - Martin Shkreli
Secretary of Labor - Victoria Lipnic
Secretary of Health and Human Services - Ben Carson
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development - Donald Trump, Jr. 
Secretary of Transportation - Eric Trump
Secretary of Energy - Harold Hamm
Secretary of Education - Removed (I love the poorly educated!)
Secretary of Veterans Affairs - Jeff Miller
Secretary of Homeland Security - David Clarke

White House Chief of Staff - Steve Bannon
Director of the Office of Management and Budget - Carl Icahn
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency - Removed (Chinese Scam)
Trade Representative - Bob Corker
Ambassador to the United Nations - Ivanka Trump
Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers - David Bossie
Administrator of the Small Business Administration - Jeb Hensarling

National Security Advisor - Michael Flynn
Communications Director - Hope Hicks
Press Secretary - Michael Cohen
Director of National Intelligence/CIA Director - Mike Rogers

[Wells]

The Secret Room Where The Republican Establishment Does Stuff

Ryan: WHY???

McConnell: I needed to prove to Trump that I wasn't a Nazi. . .

Ryan: You accepted ALL OF THEM. You ARE a Nazi.

McConnell: It was just appeasement. Now we can block the wall and Muslim ban. And if he tries to put, I don't know, his sister on the Supreme Court. . .


March 1, 2017 NYT Headline:

Trump Nominates Maryanne Barry For Supreme Court

[Wells]

Excerpts from Barry's confirmation hearing transcripts

Cruz: Do you consider yourself pro-life?

Barry: I do like living, yes.

Cruz: You know what I mean.

Barry: I do know what you mean.

[10 minutes later]

Barry: For the record, Ted Cruz, I hate the idea of partisan judges. My job as a Supreme Court Justice will be to apply the Constitution to specific cases, not apply my beliefs onto it. Judges on the Supreme Court aren't supposed to be liberal or conservative, they are supposed to be Constitutional. And McConnell, I am not a Trump stooge nor the product of nepotism.

[5 minutes later]

Barry: Again, Trump did not nominate me because I am his sister, he nominated me because I was the best damn judge he knew.

McConnell: You were probably the only judge he knew.

Barry: I noticed, Cruz and McConnell, that you accepted my nephews for Cabinet positions and you weren't complaining about nepotism. Your attacks on me are bad and you should feel bad.

McConnell: *feels bad*

[1 hour later]

Barry: Bernie, I will not take questions from a socialist, you.

[Wells]

^{The New York Times -- March 11, 2017}

Barry Accepted, Will Replace Ginsburg

In a surprisingly close 51-49 decision, the Senate chose to confirm Maryanne Trump Barry as a Supreme Court Justice. Three Republicans voted against Barry: Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, Ted Cruz of Texas, and Ben Sasse of Nebraska. One Democrat, however, voted for Barry: Heidi Heitkamp of North Dakota.


The Room Where It Happens (R)

Ryan: This is bad. The conservative court isn't happening.

Cruz: Don't blame me.

McConnell: *feels bad*


The White House

Trump: I am switching my party registration to Independent.

Bannon: Why?

Trump: I always switch my party registration when there's a new president. But I can't contradict myself. So I'm Independent now.

Bannon: That sounds like a good idea.


cnn.com headline:

Trump switches party registration to Independent, drawing shock from all sides

cyclone.com (a new news site) headline:

YOU Decide: Did Barry say "Socialist You" or "Socialist Jew"?

(The results are about 60% Jew.)


Fox News Poll: Do you approve or disapprove of the job President Trump is doing?

Approve 39%
Disapprove 56%

[LLR]

Lmao this is beautiful

[Wells]

Today's last update:

The White House (March 15, 2017)

Trump: My other Supreme Court nomination can wait. Right now I want to discuss something yugely important: policy. Everyone, share all you know with me.

*Silence*

Melania: You nominate sister onto the court, what about me hmmm?

Trump: You're here to look pretty.

Palin: But first ladies do more than that. They have to be active.

Melania: Like the Michelle with Let's Move?

Palin: You betcha!

Melania: One thing I very passionate about is pretty women.

*everyone looks at her*

Melania: I mean, there are so many ugly people in the world. Girls are supposed to be beautiful like me. I will make the fat girls thin.

Ivanka: Are you saying we should fat-shame them?

Melania: If that is what it takes. we should also give everyone free plastic surgery with their care.

*Trump and Bannon look at each other in shock*

Bannon: That is -

Trump: A great idea! An entire program about making sure every woman has what it takes to be successful! The looks! Call a press conference right now.

Ivanka: Daddy, no!

*Trump raises eyebrow*

Ivanka: I mean, let's detail this plan and release it in a press conference next week.


New York Times headline:

Measure to Secede to be on California Ballot in November

[President of the great nation of 🏳️‍⚧️]

This is fun.

[Goldwater]

10/10, best timeline.

[Wells]

The Room Where It Happens (R)

Ryan: Why is Trump independent? What's going on?

Pence: *shakes head*

Pence: *laughs*

Pence: He never did that.


The Room Where It Happens (D)

Ellison: Hmm, tying Trump to the Republican Party will be a lot more difficult. Trump must be very smart.

Dean: lolno



Trump statement on becoming Independent

"This is an olive branch to the Democratic Party that we can work together and form a truly United States of America. We are going to be making yuge deals and I want to do them with your support. The Wall will happen, but so will a higher minimum wage. We will bring back together and the death penalty, but also fair trade. And my beautiful wife, Melania, has a great idea about what to order young girls everywhere."


PPP Poll: Why did Trump switch to an Independent? (open ended)

27% He's mentally unstable
23% To make Paul Ryan angry/sad
20% Why did I vote for Trump?
16% I don't know, but it makes him a genius
13% Other opinion
1% To make a deal with Democrats

[America Needs R'hllor]

LOL, amazing.

[Wells]

It seems that most of you agree this is a good timeline, so thank you for the positive feedback. And now let's get back to politics:


The White House (March 17, 2017)

Trump: We need a foreign policy. It will be great. Yuge.

Giuliani: Well, first of all let's talk about Mosul. I talked to the generals and we are just about to take it from ISIS -

Trump: Why did they tell you this? Or leaders are stupid!

Giuliani: I'm the Secretary of State.

Trump: Oh. Yeah. But we should stay quiet about Mosul. Do not release any information.

Giuliani: The generals said -

Trump: I don't care what they said. I'm much smarter. Now I have an itinerary for you. First you'll meet with Putin and then with report back here. We are going to be so diplomatic your head will spin.


FOX News poll: Do you approve or disapprove of the job President Trump is doing?
Approve 33%
Disapprove 65%


cyclone.com headline

Trump Secretary of Commerce hasn't been seen in one month

CNN.com headline the next day

Source: Trump administration locked Shkreli in a cabinet, hasn't been let out

[Wells]

The White House (March 18, 2017)

Trump: *opens cabinet*

Shkreli: _{feed . . . me  . . .}

Trump: I had Melania make you a sandwich. She makes the best sandwiches. Here.

*Shkreli eats the sandwich*


A lonely New York household

Hillary: *reads newspaper* How much do Americans hate me?

Bill: A lot.

Chelsea: Dad!

Bill: What?


Russia

Giuliani: So what do you want us to do?

Putin: I know how to do stuff. My hackers are taking down this new liberal site. some are calling it "Progressive Breitbart".

Giuliani: Cyclone.com?

Putin: Da. We are also working on your voting machines.

Giuliani: Wow. Uh, will we get caught?

Putin:

Putin: And about Mosul. . .


Washington Post headline March 19, 2017

Bannon Arrested for Neglecting Shkreli

New York Times headline March 20, 2017

Military Pulls out of Mosul by Trump's Orders, Generals Confused

NYT headline March 21, 2017

Senate Passes Obamacare Repeal, Strikes Down Border Wall

Fox News Poll: Do you approve or disapprove of the job President Trump is doing?
Approve 30%
Disapprove 66%


The White House

Trump: MY WALL!!


Russia

Putin: Did you hear that?

Giuliani: Hear what?

Putin: Oh, just thought I heard someone yelling. Probably just remembering my good old KGB days.


Trump: TEN FEET TALLER!!!

Pence: You never talked about a wall.

Trump: Bitch McConnell is going to pay. Hmm that sounds like a good tweet. *Tweets*

Pence: *shakes head*

Pence: *laughs*

Pence: I'll pretend you never said that.


McConnell's Office

McConnell: *feels bad*

[President of the great nation of 🏳️‍⚧️]

#LockHimUp #SteveForPrison

[America Needs R'hllor]

Pence is now my favourite character of this timeline.

[Wells]

Video posted on Trump's YouTube page March 22, 2017

*Trump sits at his desk*

Trump: I have been trying to work with you. I became an Independent, I followed my good brain with Mosul instead of the generals. But the elites in Washington have decided to destroy my plans. They blocked my wall. But if you want to get rid of my wall, you'll have to try harder than that.

Here is the Obamacare repeal. This passed both Houses of Congress. I have my presidential pen right here. Gold plated. Beautiful. I bought it from Jhina. But I'm not going to use it today. Paul Ryan, this one's for you.

*Trump rips up the Obamacare repeal bill*


The Room Where It Happens (R)

Ryan: Why did you do this?

Trump (over the phone): Because my one goal in life is to make Paul Ryan cry. *hangs up*

Ryan: If he wants to be that way, then I will be forced to go up against him.

McConnell: *feels bad*


The White House

Trump: Melania, are you ready?

Melania: Yes. This press conference will change the world. Soon, everyone will be good looks.

[Wells]

Manhattan March 23, 2017

Kellyanne Conway went into shock after she got fired and has just been let out of the hospital. She walks past a Newsstand and decides to look at the headlines.

The New York Times
Melania Rants About Ugly Fat Girls

New York Daily News
Two Sexist Trumps

The New York Post
Hillary Clinton Rushed to Hospital After Heart Attack

Kellyanne Conway goes back into shock.


The White House

Melania: Donald! I watch news, they say things about conference!

Trump: The lying media is at it again. They're trying to tear down the most popular administration ever. Believe me, real Americans love this.

Melania: Thank you Donald. But where was Ivanka? I did not see her there.

Ivanka: (slurring her speech) I was at the bar downtown watching on the TV. *drinks another glass* I swear, that press conference did sound that bad.

Melania: Are you saying my Dondon is lying to me?

Donald: Are you saying that? I'm a real truth teller.

Ivanka: I have no doubt that Donald actually believes the bullsh**t he spews. The men in my family are pigs. I would hate to see them drag you down too, Melania.

*Ivanka Trump finishes her last glass and stumbles out.*


Random news show

Newsperson here to move the plot along: Members of the Trump administration are undergoing one scandal after another. After locking up Secretary of commerce Martin Shkreli to the point where he nearly starved and Chief of Staff Steve Bannon was arrested for the incident, Bannon is still in jail after billionaire Trump has not posted his bail. Yet Trump's scandals multiplied today. After the news of Clinton's hospitalization broke, he blamed the media for it on Twitter and mentioned "what goes around comes around" in a released statement. Chris Christie also came under fire today for announcing that his Justice Department is opening up a special investigation to "lock up the entire Clinton crime family" early this afternoon, before Clinton was released from the hospital. And a just released video shows Ivanka Trump stumbling out of the White House, seemingly drunk, talking about how she is going to "help Chelsea".


CNN

Cohen: Wolf, the press conference where Christie said we are going to investigate Hillary Clinton's numerous crimes wasn't callous because she had been hospitalized. We had it scheduled a few days before now.

Blitzer: Didn't you think to postpone it?

Cohen:

Blitzer: And what about the statement on Trump's website?

Cohen: He was actually very respectful, praising Clinton for many things.

Blitzer: He said, quote, "she knows how to graciously lose". And then went on to list all the things she'll be arrested for as soon as she were to walk out.


Fox News Poll: Do you approve or disapprove of the job President Trump is doing?
Approve 28%
Disapprove 68%

[Joe Biden is your president. Deal with it.]

Rofl I love this timeline.

[Representative simossad]

Perfect timeline, 5/7.

[LLR]

How can McConnell keep feeling bad if he is a demon incapable of human emotion?

[Wells]

Pence is now my favourite character of this timeline.

I'm sorry.  I'll try harder.

Perfect timeline, 5/7.

5/7 isn't perfect. I will expect to see this problem rectified.

How can McConnell keep feeling bad if he is a demon incapable of human emotion?

Asking the tough questions I see. Ted Cruz is the demon, not poor McConnell.

McConnell: *feels bad*

Now look what you just did. You made him feel bad again.


The White House (April 2, 2017)

Giuliani: Putin is a genius.

Trump: I'm a bigger genius.

Giuliani: All you need to do is not do anything in the Middle East. And raise tariffs on China by huge amounts.

Trump: I was going to do that anyway. See? Genius.


The Pentagon April 4, 2017

Some Guy: Do you have any records of Giuliani's conversation with Putin?

Another Guy: No.

Some Guy: Dammit. We know Trump's up to something. We just need proof. For now let's just release some more embarrassing videos of Trump and his cabinet members, okay?


The Clintons' hideout (from Christie's investigation)

Ivanka: I'm glad I could help you escape.

Chelsea: Don't mention it. No one will expect us to be here.

Bill: There aren't any pretty ladies here.

[President of the great nation of 🏳️‍⚧️]

Perfect timeline, 5/7.

5/7 isn't perfect. I will expect to see this problem rectified.

See: Sullivan's Theorem on Movie Rating.