Lightning Round: Where the Logic is Made Up and the Atlanta Suburbs Don't Matter

[Kleine Scheiße]

Using the lists of declared, expressed, and speculative candidates from Wikipedia, respond in 1-3 sentences to each potential candidate. Be as subjective and creative as possible, this isn't a question of how much you like the candidate, but what you think about them in a more abstract sense. Bonus points for Colin Mochrie improv comedy.

• If Sen./Vice Pres. Joe Biden (D-DE/Fed.)'s slogan is not "Big Dick is Back in Town" I will be greatly surprised and resoundingly disappointed.
• Look, about Sec. St./Gov./Chmn./Mayor/Atty. Gen./Gov. Jerry Brown (D-CA), can we finally just let him have this one? Just once?
• Atty. Gen./Gov. Steve Bullock (D-MT) is probably feeling really, really validated to have been included on the list. Look, Mom, that's me!
• The fact that Mayor/Sen./Gov. Lincoln Chafee (D-RI) has publicly expressed interest speaks for itself. Someone needs to contact him about the possibility of a Natural Law Party run with Mike Love.
• Stephen Colbert (D-NY) will only win my vote if he agrees to act as his own press secretary.
• I have a complicated relationship with Gov. John Bel Edwards (D-LA). On the one hand, I think he'd be an excellent president. On the other, his name brings back traumatic memories of another southern Democrat I had high hopes for. Approach all men named John with caution.
• Jack Fellure (R-WV) made cookies. They're delicious.
• Geoffrey Fieger (D-MI) is the obvious frontrunner for the Democratic nomination; I'm reluctant but optimistic regarding his chances in the general.
• I'll never be able to thank Roque de la Fuente (D-CA/NY/FL) enough for providing me a third option on my primary ballot in 2016. "Roque de la Fuente" sure was a funny way to misspell "Martin O'Malley", but I'm proud of my first vote.
• Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI) did nothing wrong.
• Jeremy Gable (I-PA/UK)

wants to be Pat Paulsen so desperately it hurts.

• Atty. Gen./Sen. Kamala Harris (D-CA) is easily the best candidate out of the entire field for the upcoming deus ex machina in House of Cards.
• I don't trust Mayor/Gov. John Hickenlooper (D-CO) to avoid the temptation to get elected and then resign immediately while making a pun about flying the coop with Hickenloop.
• Atty. Gen. Eric Holder (D-Fed.) is the kind of guy to perpetually owe you for that time he forgot his wallet at Waffle House at 4:00 pm and then ran up a bill because he didn't realize they don't do free refills on coffee. I know a guy kinda like that and I wouldn't vote for him so I refuse to consider Eric Holder.
• Dwayne Johnson (I-Wherever Wrestlemania is Gonna Be in 2020) is cooking up something big. I don't know what it is, but whatever's going on with Dwayne Johnson smells fishy. The man knows his role and I think if he managed to win he'd be able to shut his mouth enough to delegate powers to people that actually knew what they were doing. But if Chafee runs, the block-of-granite lane is decimated and he has no path.
• Patience is a virtue, St. Sec. Jason Kander (D-MO).
• Amb. Caroline Kennedy (D-Fed.) was the U.S. Ambassador to Japan from 2013 to 2017.
• I had an acid trip once where I watched a 2004 Lt. Gov./Sen./Sec. John Kerry (D-MA/Fed.) ad on loop for an hour. I don't care whether he runs or not, I'm voting for the damn guy.
• Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) is just smart Palin. And that's cool.
• Adam Kokesh (L-Instagram) is the only candidate out of the past eight elections that has literally no electoral floor whatsoever.
• I stand corrected, because I just remembered Mayor Mitch Landrieu (D-LA) exists.
• Chmn./Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D-VA) is the human equivalent of a menthol ultralight.
• Say "President Sen. Jeff Merkley (D-OR)" in a dark, British accent. That is the closest you'll ever come to making it happen.
• I don't mind what Mayor/Gov. Martin O'Malley (D-MD) does on his own time, but his obsession with emulating Bruce Babbitt is getting out of control.
• Gov./Vice Pres. Mike Pence (R-IN/Fed.) is really a holographic projection of that Charles Nelson Reilly-wannabe from Backyard Baseball 1997 and would probably govern in a similar manner.
• Underestimate Dan Rattiner (I-Wherever Fine Propaganda is Sold) at your own risk.
• Sen. Ben Sasse (R-NE) is apparently unaware that the Bud Light aesthetic is absolutely toxic to the crucial Radiohead-fan demographic.
• Jill Stein (G) could conceivably make it into the debates if she agreed to be Alan Alda's running mate.
• Tom Steyer (D-CA) doesn't deserve to be on this list if he doesn't at least run in the California gubernatorial primary. But I want to see Tom Steyer win, just to rub it in that Six Californias guy's bananaholster.
• Pres. Donald Trump (R-Fed.) is not a serious candidate like Eric Holder or Jeremy Gable; he's just out of place on this list.
• Everyone is a genius. But judge a gay fish by its ability to climb a tree or win more than 20% of the vote in rural America, and it will spend its whole life believing it's Kanye West (I-Not Your Serato).