Atlas. The Story.

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

Still waiting to be shamelessly inserted.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Tender as a Vern Schillinger knock-off was hilarious.

Vern did some nailing too, in season 2.

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

Tender as a Vern Schillinger knock-off was hilarious.

Vern did some nailing too, in season 2.

Indeed he did.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

muon2, Unit B manager and dedicated lifelong public servant was sitting behind his desk, facing a cuffed inmate.

"OK, Teddy, why did you stab Retromike?" he asked patiently. "This is a worrying escalation. When you wanted to assault Joe Republic you were unsure whether you'd stab him, but now..."

"He was being a creep to me," Teddy replied.

"How so?"

"He said I'm aww so cute."

"Teddy, you can't stab every guy being a creep around. Otherwise you'd have to stab 90% of our residents."

"I'm not sure I'd stab them," Teddy said defensively. "But I would totally assault them."

"Why can't you rehabilitate like Krazen had?" the unit manager inquired. "He's making great contributions to our political geography workshop."

"I like to drown people in SimCity."

"Yes, yes, you are one crazy messed-up bastard, Teddy. Officer, take him to the solitary."

[Lachi]

"I like to drown people in SimCity"
"Take him to solitary"

LOL

[Kingpoleon]

I volunteer to be the Deputy Prison Investigator.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

It was the middle of a night, with all prisoners safely locked in their cells, when one of them woke up and jumped from his top bunk.

"Hey "

His cellmate, sleeping on the bottom bunk. did not react.

"Hey," the inmate repeated. "Wake up, OC "

"Even Pritzker can beat Rauner by 5" OC, half asleep, mumbled.

"Quick, before haxes comes," Tender commander. "Polish my nail "

"I don't think Dems want her back.", OC disagreed.

"Come on, polish my nail" Tender insisted. "Here, you have some polishing paper "

"That's why he should pick Tim Ryan", OC told him off. Insulted, Tender hit his cellmate in the jaw. "I am a citizen, but my Grandma was Jamaican," OC relented, and took the paper.

"Oh yeah! " Tender moaned. "Some nice polishing... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

***

"What the hell happened?" Prison Doctor Kamala Smith asked.

"His cellmate broke his copper nail," a CO explained, "and our Austrian friend here just... well, you know."

The Doctor shook her head. "I'll sedate him and put in the psych ward."

[Tender Branson]

Guest post by a leading figure of the Austrian Brotherhood, who got the following piece of info:

In WARD "E", a new prisoner (# 45P0114, Lukasz Pawel Herba a.k.a Kalwejt, leader of the "Black Death" group) arrives at his prison cell.

Herba is serving a 25-year sentence for abducting a 20-year old British model to Milan, Italy - later sedating and handcuffing her and then stuffing her into a black suitcase and to sell her as a sex slave to the highest bidder in the Darknet. He's up for parole in 20 years.

The woman luckily escaped.

Excerpts from the sentence include:

You must be logged in to read this quote.

The brutality of the crime even shocks current inmates, who have already set sights on the new prisoner.

But as he's dragged into his cell by the wardens, Herba (a.k.a Kalwejt) screams:

You must be logged in to read this quote.

Nobody cares and the prison door is shut behind him ...

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Your fantasies are disturbing, Tender.

[Tender Branson]

Your fantasies are disturbing, Tender.

So are yours.

Mine is at least based on a true story.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Your fantasies are disturbing, Tender.

So are yours.

Mine is at least based on a true story.

Noted. Now back to the psych ward with you, Tender.

[Kamala]

Kamala Smith, M.D., sat in her office, smoking a cigarette from a pack confiscated from a recently deceased inmate.

God, I've got to get a new job. I can't keep up with this. I'm not a psychologist, I'm just a general physician. And that Austrian freak slapped my *ss on the way to the psych ward.

Suddenly, the sound of footsteps echoed from down the tile-lined hall. Kamala hastily tried to extinguish the cigarette on the concrete walls of her office. muon2, Unit B manager, walked in.

"Kamala, when you write up medical reports, please use either the British system with 'and' or the Canadian system with'-' . It's confusing to see both in the same list."

"Yeah, sure. I'll make the corrections."

"Thank you, Doctor. Also, please don't smoke in here. If Warden Leip finds out that someone is smoking in the offices, it's my *ss on the line."

Please don't smoke in here, it's my *ss on the line, Kamala grumbled to herself, annoyed.

muon2 left exited the office.

Kamala open a drawer and pulled out a miniature of vodka, once again confiscated from an inmate. In one quick motion she gulped down the bottle.

I hate my job.

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

Let Kal tell his story

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Let Kal tell his story

I don't mind Kamala joining in to purse this subplot.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

"All right, gentlemen," the CO said. "You're all required to participate in our rehabilitation program. OC, we haven't put you in solitary because breaking that Austrian's nail was clearly done in self-defense, but one f**kup and you'll rot there forever."

"Dems don't have to win House this year, so that burden is off of them now," OC promised to be good.

"You, Sparky. We've let you out, but the same goes for you." Sparky did not comment.

"This group is being led by Sister Lumine Marie, our resident shrink. Move on, gentlemen."

***

"In this group," Sister Lumine Marie said, "we're to learn self-control by partaking in intellectually stimulating games. Spamage is leading this week."

"War of the Grand Coalitions," Spamage began. "Context: 1756 saw a shift in the state of European diplomacy with the formation of two new alliance groups, the British allying the Prussians and the French allying the Austrians. The other powers were forced to join either bloc or remain neutral. After months of building tension, with open fighting already occurring in the New World, the British took the lead in declaring war against their longtime enemies the French, George II specifically citing the French harboring of the longtime Jacobite pretender Bonnie Prince Charlie. Now the world's first global war has begun with fighting expected on at least three separate continents. Will it expand more? Only time will tell..."

"Getting back Silesia and with Bavaria and Saxony swing, with Holy Roman Empire at stake in Silesia, Louis XV is the help of Maria Theresa 😂"

"Very good, OC," Sister Lumine Marie said approvingly. "Any questions?" Sparky raised his hand. "Yes, Sparky?"

"I thought you were a perfect match for me, but you're too manly for me."

"It's not my fault Kalwejt made me into a woman in this universe in order to insert an OZ reference," Lumine said patiently. "And even so, I wouldn't be interested."

"Yeah, I'm too good for you anyway."

"OK, you've been warned..." Sparky was being taken away.

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

Ha...haha...ha...hahaha...hahahahahahahahahahaha *dies laughing*

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

"Warden on the deck!"

Warden Leip entered the solitary unit, having nothing better to do after coloring his recent maps.

"Hey, warden. A word?"

"Hi,

What do you want, Inks?

Thanks,
Dave."

Prisoner number 43S01, Nathan Inks. Convicted, February 3, '12 - eighty one counts of using excessive moderation, one count of stalking. Sentence: 140 years, up for parole in 70 years.

"Can you let me out of the solitary?" Inks requested.

"Hi,

You're here for your own protection. Otherwise you'd be killed on spot by every prisoner you've ever wronged.

Thanks,
Dave."

"OK... so there's another matter. I wrote a piece for Politico about Kasich being the GOP savior in 2020. Could you sens it over to them?

"Hi,

Officer, why is this prisoner having access to paper? Paper is forbidden in the solitary.

Thanks,
Dave."

"Oh come one, Dave..."

"Hi,

It's warden Leip.

Thanks,
Dave."

[Since I'm the mad scientist proclaimed by myself]

Still waiting to be shamelessly inserted.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

"All right, what is it this time?" the prison internal investigator asked.

A prisoner, who requested a discreet meeting, looked nervously around.

"Reports are confidential, right?" he wanted to make sure. "I don't want to lose my status as a cool guy around."

"Yes," the investigator assured. "But it's better be something real this time. I mean, you've asked to see me 10 times in three days and none of things you've reported were worth anything, sjkqw."

Prisoner number 573S12, sjkqw, AKA Sprouts Farmers Market ✘. Convicted, April 3, '17 - ninety counts of making useless 999 calls. Sentence: 10 years, up for parole in 5.

"This is a good one I assure," sjkqw promised solemnly. "Yesterday, in the kitchen, I heard that Sanchez guy telling a prisoner standing in line to move his ass."

"So?"

"It was an unconstructive personal attack. Please  put on 'consideration for death row' list."

"Get the f**k out."

"Just please don't reveal I reported anything! They'll shank me for being a rat."

[Sprouts Farmers Market ✘]

Lol, I take great pride in my reports, but great honer! to be considered for your character list.

[Kingpoleon]

Lol, I take great pride in my reports, but great honer! to be considered for your character list.

It sounds to me that Kalwejt is jealous of smilo's genius.

[Crumpets]

Prisoner number 573S12, sjkqw, AKA Sprouts Farmers Market ✘. Convicted, April 3, '17 - ninety counts of making useless 999 calls. Sentence: 10 years, up for parole in 5.

So... in this scenario, is Smilo British, or just reporting things to the British police?

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

One of the most feared gang bosses in Atlas, Chairman Sanchez, also known as El Trumpo, went over to the table OC was sitting.

"Hey," he said. "We, Los Blaxicanos, are very grateful to you for breaking that Austrian's nail. That motherf**ker was going all around the place, trying to either nail somebody or get him to polish it."

"GOP avoided damage in 2016, but the quake will erupt in 2020, with the Dem trifecta with the defeated Trump.," OC replied indifferently.

"Hey! I came over to offer my friendship, and you just insulted my intelligence, you stupid f**k!"

OC just shrugged. "Only way it works if Pence is nominated instead of Trump"

"Somebody's gonna shank you very soon with this kind of disrespectful attitude," the first among Los Blaxicanos warned before walking away.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

OC was preoccupied with his work detail at Warden Dave Leip's electoral map sweatshop, when three creepy-looking members of the Austrian Brotherhood encircled him. All members of the Austrian Brotherhood were easy to identify due to their recognizable tattoos.



"Where's the Democratic bench?", OC asked, nervously looking around.

"Hey sweetpie," the creepiest-looking Austrian said. "Mr. Tender asked us to take care of his beloved cellmate while he's recovering. Fritz?"

The one named Fritz stepped forward with a giant railroad spike in his hands. The enormous spike was rusty beyond comprehension.

"He thought some polishing will cheer you up in his absence."

"No, it won't, this race won't be a run away race!" OC screamed for help.

"Don't worry, sweetpie," the meanest Austrian laughed. "The guard won't bother us. Now, be a good boy, take this polishing paper and we'll watch."

"Big smile, baby!" Fritz added. "Big f**king smile!"

***

"Just what the f**k happened to him?" the doctor, shocked despite years of experience, gasped.

"He must've been polishing something until his hands started bleeding," the CO said.

"Just when you thought you saw everything..."

[Badger]

F#$king awesome.

I'm a criminal defense attorney whose actually been in plenty of prisons and jails (none this week though). It's just a matter of time.....