Atlas. The Story.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

The Warden was extremely agitated, as evident by the unusual way he spoke.

"Hi,

Just what the f**k is going on in my prison?

Best,
Dave."

Replacing his usual "thanks" with another word, considering Warden Leip was a true man of habits, alarmed everybody.

"Hi,

We've got one dead body and two savage nailings this week alone. This prison can't support itself without google adverts money. They can drop us for NSFW environment.

Best,
Dave."

"Well..." muon2, unit managed of Unit B, said hesitatingly. "We're really trying our best, Dave..."

"Hi,

I've made you a f**king unit manager so you can kick some asses and smack some heads when needed. And what do I get in return? What about that Santander fellow? Why isn't he in solitary?

Best,
Dave."

"We're weighting upon this, Warden."

"Hi,

Bulls**t! You are "weighting upon" sending him to solitary for a month now, and in meantime he's roaming around free to stab whomever he likes to.

Best,
Dave."

"I don't fell it's be appropriate for me to go around Nym's head..."

"Hi,

I'm tired with this nonsense. The only CO that's doing anything useful is Virginia with her plan to rearrange the reception area. As of the others... I was gone for mere two years and this is what I see upon returning? Fix this s**t before the google reacts.

Best,
Dave."

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

"All right," Officer Torie, supervisory CO of the Unit B, said, addressing the prisoners assembled. "We've had some problems recently..."

"RIP BRTD," someone in the back row yelled. "Nice guy, FF."

"Yes, we've had some corpses to wheel away," Torie agreed. "But now things are going to be diffrent. Here, I've identified the following groups of prisoners: the Austrians, Los Blaxicanos, Gays... what's with this prison demographics anyway?... Alpha Jews...

"What the f**k? This stupid meme should die already," one of the Alpha Jews protested. "We are not dueling!"

"You can thanks retired Unit Manager Mr. Morden for keeping this alive... Anyway, we also have Creeps, Christians, Nerds... wait, where are all Black faces?"

"I'm here."

Torie groaned. "Oldiesfreak, for the tenth time, you're not Black. Now go wash that blackface before I send you to the hole... and one called the others. Now, each group will be equal. That is all. Questions?"

"Yeah, why isn't Krazen on death row yet?"

"Look, unless you start contributing to our political geography workshop you don't get to badmouth Krazen. Class dismissed."

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

Oh yeah, forgot about Oldies.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Prisoner number 673A01, White Trash. Convicted, June 5, '17 - three counts of bootlegging. Two counts, violating a restraining order. Sentence: 15 years, up for parole in 10.

"Hey!"

White Trash, who was just getting accustomed to the prison regime, looked in the direction the voice came from.

"Yes?" It was one of them Los Blaxicanos.

"Señor Sanchez wants to have a word with you..."


(building tension)

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

"Why the hell are looking at me like this?" Chairman Sanchez, AKA El Trumpo, leader of feared Los Blaxicanos prison gang, said to Southern Gothic, AKA White Trash, whom he summoned before his presence.

"Um... dude, you're as white as me," Southern Gothic replied nervously.

"Ay, caramba!" Sanchez exclaimed. "Haven't you heard about ironic cultural appropriation, hombre?"

"Fair enough."

"So, you the guy who violated his restraining order, huh?"

"I just wanted to shake Joe Manchin's hand," Southern Gothic explained.

"F**ing weirdo."

"Hey, I'm not the one having MAGA tattoo on my arm!"

"Wow, you're one mouth fellow I see. So OK, I'll be blunt. My hombres controls everything that goes in and out in this joint: tits, booze, copyrighted material, a software to bypass Warden Leip's profanity filter and so on. If I'm not mistaken you have some experience with meth?"

"Why yes, want to hire me?"

"No, I want you to know if you start your bulls**t here you're dead... AAhhh, what did you do to me?"

"I shanked you," Southern Gothic replied, surprised with El Trumpo asking the obvious.

"Offficer!!!..."

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

"You can wait outside," Torie, supervisory CO of the Unit B, said to his subordinate, who brought handcuffed Southern Gothic in.

"You sure?"

"Yes... Now, you're lucky. Sanchez is no longer listed as critical."

"He was making threats to me."

"Then you should've use a report button."

"I have God and Constitution-given right to protect myself!" Southern Gothic retorted angrily. "Want to send me to the hole? Just do it?"

"No, I'm always interested in reforming bad boys," Torie replied. "Instead of going to the hole you'll work in our workshop."

"Doing what?"

"Fixing map generators."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."

[White Trash]

I've done the great state if Louisiana proud. Shanking and meth are vital parts of our history.

[Badger]

This is f#$king brilliant.

[KingSweden]

Still waiting to be shamelessly inserted.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

The day was not over for Torie, far from it.

"Look, Cora," he'd been reasoning with another handcuffed, hostile inmate, "every time you take a s**t on the floor we, the COs, have to weight upon whether it should be cleaned up or left as mostly harmless. You've been given a private warning but you ignored our hand reached toward you."

"F**k you and f**k Palestinian children!"

"Core, we've been over this: wishing harm upon fellow human beings is not generally accepted by the prison rules. Now, we've been discussing your case and muon had decide... muon, what the hell are you doing now?"

"Playing Illinois legislature with my buddies online," muon2 responded, not even bothering to look away from his tablet.

"Muon, for God's sake... we're at work. You can play your games in free time."

"Go away. I'm leaving the game permanently in a month, so I want to go with the best score I can achieve."

"OK, I'll handle this... So, Cora, for the next week every time you want to take a s**t in the floor you HAVE to ask a CO for permission. If you don't reform, the next logical, proportional step would be to have your ass sealed for another seven days. I'm really trying to be reasonable with you. Officer, you can take him away."

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

"All right, everybody sit down," one of prison's psychologists said to a full room. "As you know, Sister Lumine Marie is on vacation, cosplaying as Frederick the Great, so I'll be taking over as your creepy management therapist until she returns... I see lot of people being absent... Retromike, just say what you want to say, otherwise you'll explode."

"AWW YOU SO CURE ... I'm sorry!" the prisoner bursted in tears. "I can't control myself!"

"That's OK, Retromike, admission of problem is the first step toward recovery... James, what are you writing down on that piece of toilet paper?"

"Umm... nothing."

"Let me see... Well, that's very nice of you to simply write down I have a nice ass instead of proclaiming this out loud. You're making headways... What is it, Tender?"

"I can't stand this f**king eyepatch anymore!" the Austrian strongman moaned. "I can't make winky faces!"

"This is why this corrective patch was put on your eye," the psychologist explained patiently.

Tender, close to a breakdown, fell down to his knees. "Please, take this off! I'll polish your..." He was quickly subdues and gagged by the COs.

"You guys are soo pathetic," Sparky announced. "You need to be more direct, like me. I'm a hit with ladies."

"Dude," somebody said, "you're a freaking virgin."

"And that's why I have a good shot with Virginia."

"OK, moving on, what about you, politicaladdict? Still dreaming of sadistic videos featuring chubby women?"

An elderly inmate shook his head. "I've been here for like 60 years. My parole is coming up in 50. I just want to get out and rent a normal porno movie."

"Great! See, people, this is a breakthrough!" 

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

The day was not over for Torie, far from it.

"Look, Cora," he'd been reasoning with another handcuffed, hostile inmate, "every time you take a s**t on the floor we, the COs, have to weight upon whether it should be cleaned up or left as mostly harmless. You've been given a private warning but you ignored our hand reached toward you."

"F**k you and f**k Palestinian children!"

"Core, we've been over this: wishing harm upon fellow human beings is not generally accepted by the prison rules. Now, we've been discussing your case and muon had decide... muon, what the hell are you doing now?"

"Playing Illinois legislature with my buddies online," muon2 responded, not even bothering to look away from his tablet.

"Muon, for God's sake... we're at work. You can play your games in free time."

"Go away. I'm leaving the game permanently in a month, so I want to go with the best score I can achieve."

"OK, I'll handle this... So, Cora, for the next week every time you want to take a s**t in the floor you HAVE to ask a CO for permission. If you don't reform, the next logical, proportional step would be to have your ass sealed for another seven days. I'm really trying to be reasonable with you. Officer, you can take him away."

That was amazing

[Atlas Has Shrugged]

I'm just surprised it was SouthernGothic who shanked me.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

"Dude, what the hell are you doing?" a CO guarding Warden Leip's map generators sweatshop asked. "This is a very delicate mechanism. If you damage it, you'll hurt Dave's feelings."

"Fyck his feelings," Southern Gothic repplied.

"No, seriously, we can overlook you shanking fellow inmates, we can extend leniency on your meth dealing, but we won't tolerate this kind of anti-political demography attitude. The warden spent his entire 20s putting this system together... "

"I think I just broke it."

An officer grabbed Southern Gothic. "Off to death row with you."

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Prisoner number 53A11, Klaretext. Convicted, April 3, '17 - being a Nazi bastard. Sentence: death, up for parole after 80 years in purgatory.

"Hey, a word?"

"What is it this time, Klaretext?"

A death row inmate grabbed bars of his cell. "I want to protest, I was sentenced to death only to balance Evergreen's sentence."

"Heh, I've been trying to explain this all over again that we don't work this way, but you edgy contratian crowd will bitch no matter what we do or don't do... F**k this, I'm tired and I regret ever becoming a f**ikg CO. I'm taking a leave."

"Why won't you execute me already?" Klaretext asked. "I've been rotting here for months."

"Well, Nym is on leave and I'm not going to message him on Facebook just so he can go back and throw the switch on you."

[White Trash]

Classic Atlas, attempted murder is a lesser crime to going against the spirit of the TOS.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

"Well, well, a new face on death row. What did you do?"

"I broke a map generator."

The prisoner in next cell whistled. "Wow, you're really f**ked."

"And what did you do?" Southern Gothic replied.

"I only violated all other rules... except breaking the generator, that's just mean. My name's Kyle, by the way. Kyle M*****o."

"I don't care."

"I keep being executed, but I'm being reborn every time. This is my 105th time on death row."

"I don't care. I stopped caring altogether since I don't even remember when."

"Got any cool tattoos?"

"Meh," Southern Gothic shrugged, pulling up his shirt and revealing a detailed, smiling face of Joe Manchin tattooed on his chest."

"That's f**king sick, hommie. You're one messed up fellow."

Then the "death committee" approached Kyle's cell. "All right, Kyle, time to go."

"But I haven't gotten my last meal yet," Kyle protested.

"That's OK, we'll give you a double one next time."

"See you guys in two days," Kyle said, being led away to the death chamber.

"Kyle, you really, really need to get a f**king life."

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

"Cora, I'm extremely disappointed with you," CO Torie said with sadness in his patrician voice. "For a moment it seemed putting you on s**ting review could've worked, with you producing surprisingly little feces to approve. But once the review was lifted, we can't walk around without stepping into a nasty thing."

"Whatever."

"We have to take an escalating step," Torie announced. "We're going to mute your motions."

"Oh yes, right. How you gonna do that."

"You can come on, Doctor Wulfric."

Doctor Wulfric entered the room holding needle and threads.

"Now, be cooperative and drop them pants."

"The f**k?!"

"Hold him officer."

"Wait... AAAAAAAAAA!"

"Hold still, friend," Doctor Wulfric advised. "If you keep making extreme moves I'll saw not only your ass, but also your balls by association."

"It hurts me more than it hurts you," Torie admonished the prisoner.

***

Two days later.


"He's dead," the doctor said, putting a sheet over Cora's exploded body.

Torie shook his head. "I've tried my best, proceeding with proportional steps, but he just couldn't stop."


Disclaimer: Torie is too busy with Hudson stuff to participate in any actual moderatorial decisions, but I'm afraid to try muon2's patience.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Well, the story is pretty much dead now.

Thanks for watching.

[Virginiá]

Excellent story! When will it be published. Also I wish to see an HBO adaptation with Christopher Meloni

[Devout Centrist]

Oh Kal, we need Bushie!

[Kamala]

Excellent story! When will it be published. Also I wish to see an HBO adaptation with Christopher Meloni

We need to pick which actors will play everyone.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Oh Kal, we need Bushie!

I was going to introduce a groundbreaking character

Prisoner number 73A03, Jeff Brown, AKA Bushie. Convicted, August 30, '17 - two counts attempted insurance fraud, six counts aggravated loving on children, two counts of enslaving African children. Sentence: 500 years, up for parole in 250 years

But then you guys stopped watching and the network canceled me.

[dead0man]

I heard a shady producer picked it up and is running it on QVC.

[Devout Centrist]

Oh Kal, we need Bushie!

I was going to introduce a groundbreaking character

Prisoner number 73A03, Jeff Brown, AKA Bushie. Convicted, August 30, '17 - two counts attempted insurance fraud, six counts aggravated loving on children, two counts of enslaving African children. Sentence: 500 years, up for parole in 250 years

But then you guys stopped watching and the network canceled me.