Beto Late Than Never

[P. Clodius Pulcher did nothing wrong]

True

[P. Clodius Pulcher did nothing wrong]

30 candidates !!!

39

[America Needs R'hllor]

30 candidates !!!

39

Thank you Razze, very cool!

[ClassicGOPer]

ew, beto

[libertpaulian]

...and Beto makes 40?

[P. Clodius Pulcher did nothing wrong]

...and Beto makes 40?

Big if true.

[Boobs]

[vanteran]

List of candidates (44) so far:

• Fmr. Governor Mike Beebe (D-AR)
• Fmr. Senator Mark Begich (D-AK)
• Senator Michael Bennet (D-CO)
• Fmr. Vice President Joe Biden (D-DE)
• Fmr. Mayor Michael Bloomberg (D-NY)
• Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ)
• Senator Sherrod Brown (D-OH)
• Mayor Pete Buttigieg (D-IN)
• Senator Bob Casey Jr. (D-PA)
• Fmr. HUD Secretary Julián Castro (D-TX)
• Fmr. First Daughter Chelsea Clinton (D-NY)
• Fmr. FBI Director James Comey (D-VA)
• Adult Film Actress Stormy Daniels (D-LA)
• Fmr. Representative John Delaney (D-MD)
• Fmr. State Representative Stacey Evans (D-GA)
• Representative Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI)
• Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY)
• Fmr. Representative Colleen Hanabusa (D-HI)
• Senator Kamala Harris (D-CA)
• Fmr. Ambassador Fay Hartog-Levin (D-IL)
• Senator Maggie Hassan (D-NH)
• Fmr. Attorney General Eric Holder (D-DC)
• Governor Jay Inslee (D-WA)
• Actress Angelina Jolie (D-CA)
• Fmr. Ambassador Caroline Kennedy (D-NY)
• Fmr. Secretary of State John Kerry (D-MA)
• Senator Amy Klobuchar (D-MN)
• Fmr. Senator Mary Landrieu (D-LA)
• Fmr. Governor Terry McAuliffe (D-VA)
• Senator Jeff Merkley (D-OR)
• Representative Seth Moulton (D-MA)
• Fmr. State Senator Richard Ojeda (D-WV)
• Senator Gary Peters (D-MI)
• County Court Clerk Aftab Pureval (D-OH)
• Representative Tim Ryan (D-OH)
• Senator Bernie Sanders (I/D-VT)
• Fmr. Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz (D-WA)
• Representative Eric Swalwell (D-CA)
• Senator Jon Tester (D-MT)
• Representative Dina Titus (D-NV)
• President Donald Trump (R-NY)
• Businesswoman Angie Walls-Windhauser (R-FL)
• Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA)
• Author Marianne Williamson (D-CA)

[YE]

I'd probably vote Brown, with Titus, Sanders, Ojeda, Merkley, and Warren in that order rounding my top 4.

[Boobs]

My bad, forgot to include one of the headlines in the most recent update:

Additionally, for your reading pleasure, use this handy chart to navigate the stormy waters of the Democratic primaries (created by the enviably loyal Razze):

[Boobs]

Final update for the night:

Representative Judy Herschel, Democratic, Pennsylvania's 12th Congressional District
June 3rd, 2019 -

[Continential]

Did I inspire Mary Landrieu running in this TL because of Mayor Mary?

[Boobs]

Did I inspire Mary Landrieu running in this TL because of Mayor Mary?

Yes

[P. Clodius Pulcher did nothing wrong]

What a beautiful collage! I'm so glad I could help make this perfect story even more perfect.

[America Needs R'hllor]

While Mayor Mary is certainly as powerful an inspiration as anything, what inspired the glorious candidacy of Angie Walls-Windhauser?

[Boobs]

The Debate - Level 6

Griffin: Hi, America. I'm Kathy Griffin. For all you unemployed jackasses watching a 3:30 debate of the worst-polling Democratic candidates for 2020, welcome. I don't think there's much need for any exposition from me at this point, even though I would likely poll better than all of these fools combined if I announced my campaign at this moment.

Candidates, time for opening statements. Mr. Ojeda, since you're at literally 0.0% in every poll conducted so far, you'll go first.

Ojeda: Politico described me as "JFK with a bench press." Now, I don't know what Politico has written about you, but "JFK with a bench press" sounds like a compliment. I'm the only candidate who can produce testosterone on this stage. And that's what America needs right now. A real manly president. I eat coal for breakfast because I love West Virginia so much. And for Iowa, I've been eating twenty ears of corn for dinner. Ojeda for President.

Kathy: Oooh, Richard, you were doing so well. And then it turned into incomprehensible mush. OK. Congressman Swalwell, it's your turn.

Swalwell: Hi, America. I'm Eric Swalwell. I represent East Bay in Congress, but I'm far less interesting than the rest of that region's representatives. Think of me as Captain America's ugly brother. I'm not wearing a tie tonight because I'm very cool and relatable and I also don't know how to tie a tie. My platform is one that will radically fix America. I'm proposing big solutions - solutions that are very big, like nuking gun owners. Democrats, if you want Medicare for All, or the Green New Deal, or the Grand Old Deal, or whatever, the best way to achieve that is to first nuke all the people who oppose you. And I'm the only candidate bold enough to propose that big big solution. Because I have a big heart for the people of America.

Kathy: I'm not going to try to comment on that. It's not my place and I'm probably not even gonna vote this year. Ok so uhhh, now it's time for Michael Bloomberg.

Bloomberg: I am Michael Bloomberg. I paid good money to be here, so everyone has to listen to me. I spent a lot of money getting progressive Democrats elected in unlikely districts in 2018. I care so much about the future of the Democratic Party, and I will be able to outspend Donald Trump, whom I will call a "Poor", at every moment in the campaign. You can all go fund the rest of the Democrats everywhere in the country, but I'll handle the Presidential campaign. Our country is ready for a moderate president, who will unite everyone under his ideology and the fact that he is rich. Thank you.

Kathy: I can confirm that Bloomberg gave us a lot of money to appear here. Congresswoman Gabbard, your turn.

Gabbard: A lot of the neoliberals and neoconservatives in the Democratic Party want me to fail because they're afraid of a real progressive pacifist run the country. In fact, they're rigging the primaries against me because of that. And I'm really a big fan of Bernie, by the way. Bernie, if you're watching, I'd love a spot in your cabinet. I think I would do great and I would stick it to the neoliberals and neoconservatives. President Trump, if you're also listening, if Bernie doesn't work out, I'd also fit very well among your cabinet, I'd be great friends with Stephen Miller and Kristjen Nielsen, we'd be a great match, so don't hesitate to hit me up!

Kathy: Well, that's certainly an opener. Now, Howard Schultz.

Schultz: America, you knew me as the jackass who had you all worried that I'll get Trump reelected by running as an independent. Well, now I'm running as a Democrat, so do you like me now? All that bad blood behind us? Also, millennials, I did invent coffee, if you're wondering. So you're welcome. I'd appreciate your vote!

Kathy: I would say we would run a fact check on that, but that part of journalism has been dead for a long time! Haha. So, moving on–

Peters: H-h-h-hello? I'm also here!

Kathy: Excuse me?

Peters: It's me, I'm running for pres–

Kathy: Umm, can we get security here? Can we get this strange man off the stage and away from the candidates preferably?

Peters: No no no it's me I'm Senato–

Gary Peters is dragged away from the stage by two security guards

Kathy: Alright, now that that's over, it's time for questions. Mr. Ojeda, a lot of voters are concerned about the fact that you voted for Donald Trump in 2016. How can they trust you to fight for progressive values if you voted for the antithesis of those values just three years ago?

Ojeda: Well, Kathy, first of all I don't know the word "antithesisisis" because we don't waste our money in West Virginia on elitist projects like dictionaries and schools. But when you look at this stage, I'm not the only one who has mistakes in their past. Michael Bloomberg was elected as a Republican when he was Mayor of New York City. Eric Swalwell got his career started by launching a primary challenge from the right against a sitting Democratic congressman. Hell, Howard Schultz doesn't even vote. And Tulsi, just look at how she happily parroted whatever her hateful, fascist father sa–

Gabbard: Don't you dare talk about Daddy like that, you worthless hick! My house in Hawai'i is worth more than the entire GDP of West Virginia!

Kathy: Now, now, let's all calm dow–

Ojeda: Listen here, Miss Missy, I'll come over there and beat you senseless if you weren't a lady–

Gabbard: Do it.

Ojeda: What? WHAT?

Gabbard: I said, "do it!" Unless you're too much of a chicken!

Ojeda: No one is allowed to trash talk MY STATE like this. You will pay.

Gabbard: Ojeda and Avenatti as candidates are like the guy who thinks good sex is pumping away while you’re making a grocery list in your head wondering when he’ll be do–

Ojeda soils himself

Ojeda: You know what? If I'm gonna be treated this way by national elitist Democrats, then it's a party not worth the effort of saving. I'm done.

Ojeda disconnects his mic and walks off stage, some dry bits of unspeakable materials dribbling out of his suit pants

Kathy: I guess now's as good a time as any to end this debate. Candidates, nothing you say after this will be remembered or even mentioned, so there's no real reason to continue. America, this is Kathy Griffin, and you've finished watching the first of many Democratic Debates. Can we get a cleanup at Ojeda's podium?

[vanteran]

This is chaos lol... I love it

[P. Clodius Pulcher did nothing wrong]

Thank god they got that strange man off the stage.

[Dr. MB]

Ojeda was very disrespectful. He should've let Tulsi finish her Beto analogy.

[KaiserDave]

What did I just read

[An American Tail: Fubart Goes West]

What did I just read

One of the most well produced troll timelines I’ve seen.

[Boobs]

[P. Clodius Pulcher did nothing wrong]

Stacey is flailing. Very sad to see someone who so respected fall this easily

[Boobs]

Representative Dan McCready, North Carolina's 9th Congressional District
June 22nd, 2019 –

[Elcaspar]

This is great, keep the clown car rolling downwards!