The Mods Must Be Crazy: An Atlas Forum Adventure

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Chapter 1: An Unexpected Houseguest

It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking venti.

It was 3019 and the United States was halfway through the two hundred and fiftieth term of Eternal President Howard Schultz. Dave Leip XIII, scion of all three of the Great Houses of the cartographic and psephological community, was sitting at home in his pajamas, sick with Venusian hyper-flu, watching a PBS interview with the High Priest of Magaism, the traditional folk religion of the inland United States.

Suddenly, there was a bright flash of light and a man wearing a wizard’s robe with a large analogue clock hanging around his neck on a polypropylene rope that was probably supposed to look like something other than polypropylene appeared in Dave’s living room. He had a stern, wild look on his face and seemed aggressive.

“If you’re after my Soylent Green, my ration card ran out weeks ago,” said Dave. “I’ve been living on corn meal and Monsant-Os.”

“So agribusiness still exists in the year 3019?” asked the wizard.

“Of course agribusiness still exists! Why do you think hyper-oats are our main export?” asked Dave splenetically. “Did you not pass sixth grade? -Wait. Did you say ‘in the year 3019’?”

The wizard nodded.

“What year are you from, then?” asked Dave.

“I come from the year 2019, in your progenitor Dave Leip I’s time,” said the wizard. “I’m on a mission from Dave to bring you, his direct descendant, back in time to set right what once went wrong.”

“What does that mean?” asked Dave.

“It means, Dave, that you need to figure out how to get racist West Virginia hicks to start voting for mainstream Democrats again, so that the Biden/Booker ticket can beat Howard Schultz in his very first election,” said the wizard. “And what better place to start figuring that out than Atlas Forum, as it once was?”

“I’m afraid I don’t follow,” said Dave.

The wizard looked at him gravely and whispered, “Save the forum, save the world.”

TO BE CONTINUED...

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

"Go on, mock us, laugh. That was not Nathan laughing, father, that was God. That was God laughing at us through that hilarious story." - The Mods.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Chapter 2: A Common Misconception

“But wait,” said Dave. “I’ve heard the legends of Atlas Forum. The first Schultzite secret police force, the Spears of Ice, recruited their leadership from Atlas Forum. It was a wretched, almost all-male hive of scum, villainy, trolls, and hot takes. It was ruled capriciously from a secret location called ‘the Mod Cave’ and almost all of its Area Captains, called ‘Mods’, were evil ogres who clubbed people with their own bones. They worshiped my ancestor as a false god and behaved so badly that he himself fled the forum in despair.”

“Many of the legends are true from a certain point of view,” said the wizard, “but there’s much ancient history that has been forgotten or misconstrued along the way. For example, did you know that the Spears of Ice were initially the shock troops of the Gottheimer Uprising of 2023 before they were coopted by the Schultz regime?”

“Really?” asked Dave. “I was taught in school that they were the original Schultzite true believers. And, for that matter, why are we trying to flip West Virginia? I’ve spent my whole life studying maps of the Election of Destiny; all children in the Great Houses are initiated into the Psephological Mysteries as young as six years old. There were ten other states that Schultz won that were closer than West Virginia.”

“Now this is very recondite,” said the wizard, “but there is a mystical significance to racist West Virginia hicks. These people were the Original Democrats, you see, the true heart and soul of the Democratic Party until economic anxiety forced them first into the arms of Trump and then into the arms of Schultz. A Democratic nominee who can’t win West Virginia is never quite whole, and like the Fisher King of old, his wounds become the whole country’s wounds.”

“But racist West Virginia hicks WEREN’T the Original Democrats,” said Dave. “West Virginia voted for the Republican ticket in 1864, 1868, 1872, 1896, 1900, 1904, 1908, 1916, 1920, 1924, 1928, 1956, 1972, 1984, 2000, 2004, 2008, 2012, and 2016. It was a Republican-leaning swing state under the Third and Fourth Party Systems and even under the Fifth Party System it fell in Eisenhower’s second election.”

“What’s important,” said the wizard, “is that they were the Original Democrats in a sort of spiritual sense, only the rest of us weren’t wise enough to see it until it was too late and Schultz’s forces were in full control of the country.”

“So what do we have to do?” asked Dave. “Somehow build a West Virginia campaign infrastructure for Biden/Booker on Atlas Forum?!”

“No, far more difficult,” said the wizard. “We have to convince Atlas Forum itself that racist West Virginia hicks are still natural Democrats in 2020.”

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Gustaf]

I kind of just want to laugh react or follow or some such modern internet thing but well I guess I have to make a post and say that this seems promising.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

When I read "all three of the Great Houses of the cartographic and psephological community" I couldn't help but be reminded of industrial clans from "The Stars My Destination".

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

This has potential

[wxtransit]

I'm intrigued.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Chapter 3: A Tall Order

“Atlas Forum,” Dave said officiously, “was at the forefront of the orthodoxy that solidified over the course of Schultz’s first nine terms that West Virginia was the least progressive, least Democratic, and least tolerant state in the country, possibly the least progressive and least tolerant political subdivision on the world, on account of its population are racist West Virginia hicks. You know this as well as I do.”

“I do, do I?” said the wizard, gesturing meaningfully to the clock on his chest.

“You’re from very early in the Schutlzian Epoch, then,” said Dave. “ I see. Who are you, anyway? Are you an Atlas Forum poster?”

“You don’t get to know that yet,” said the wizard. “Let’s talk strategy.”

“Don’t I get a choice of whether or not to come with you? In these sorts of stories, the hero always has the option of refusing the call at first.”

“Joseph Campbell’s work has been almost entirely abandoned or moved away from by almost every reputable scholar of mythology,” said the wizard testily. “So no, you do not get to ‘refuse the call,’ any more than humanity got to the Moon by sailing through the luminiferous ether.”

“Getting to the Moon isn’t impressive these days, just so you know,” said Dave. “I was born on the planet Lithia.”

“And yet here you are living in an apartment in Minneapolis,” said the wizard.

Dave shrugged. “I wanted to experience the scene.”

“Spoken like a true forumite,” said the wizard. “Anyway, you’ve said you’re intimately familiar with the 2020 map?”

“Sure am,” said Dave, and tottered over, still sick with hyper-flu, to a locked safe, which he unlocked to reveal a moisture-controlled glass container holding an ancient Electoral College Calculator and Map Generator printout.

“I never thought I’d see it with my own eyes,” said the wizard in a tone of reverence mixed with horror.

“As I said,” said Dave, “even though this particular printout doesn’t have the percentages, I know from memory that ten of the other states in green were closer than West Virginia. I’d recommend starting with Texas, since it was within five points and had the most electoral votes of any of the states Schultz won. Of course, even with Texas Biden still loses 264-274, but it’s still a better start than West Virginia, which only had five electoral votes. It’s—why are you chuckling?”

“Sweet summer child,” said the wizard. “What do you know of elasticity?”

TO BE CONTINUED...

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Fantastic stuff, Nathaniel.

[President Punxsutawney Phil]

Fantastic stuff, Nathaniel.

[Former President tack50]

This is amazing. Keep going!

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

In all seriousness, inspiring this story will be Mr. Schultz's foremost legacy in the eyes of future generations.

[dead0man]

I'm not normally into this kind of thing, and I'm certainly not encouraging more of it from Nathan or anybody else.


But color me intrigued.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Chapter 4: A Daring Stratagem

“In 2016,” pontificated the wizard, “Donald Trump won West Virginia over Hillary Clinton by a 68-26 margin—his best state in the country. However, concurrently with this election, Jim Justice, who was a Democrat at the time although he went to the bad less than a year afterwards, won the gubernatorial election 49-42, overperforming the national ticket by a whopping forty-nine points. Two years later, in the last election before the racist West Virginia hicks finally sold the country down the river by giving us Schultz, they reelected Democratic Senator Joe Manchin, although it was by a narrow margin. This proves that West Virginia in the late 2010s was one of the most elastic states in the country—elasticity that could have carried over to the 2020 presidential race, if only Atlas Forum had done what it does best.”

“You keep saying or implying that racist West Virginia hicks ‘gave us’ Schultz,” said Dave. “But as I’ve said to you multiple times now, there were a number of other states that were a lot closer, had a lot more electoral votes, were more elastic in presidential races, and were actually targeted by the Biden campaign. Even after Trump and Pence both got arrested and the Republican campaign collapsed, there was never any question that West Virginia would go for Schultz after he started running as the de facto Republican. I fail to see how convincing Atlas Forum that West Virginia is ‘elastic’ would have changed that.”

“The idea,” said the wizard, “is to get Atlas Forum in the news as insisting that West Virginia is competitive. If they insist it loudly enough, then Biden, who’s more #populist and white working-class than Schultz, will campaign there, and the Democratic ticket will win it as well as its neighboring states. I can explain the mechanism for this for you if you wish, but we’re almost out of time—my strength of mind and body the longer I am out of my own timeline weakens, and—”

Suddenly Dave felt an insistent tugging sensation on his arms. He felt as if he was being pulled backwards, but the wizard was in front of him.

“What is that tugging?” the wizard asked, confirming for Dave that it was not the wizard or any spell or craft of the wizard’s that was doing the tugging. Then, suddenly, they were pulled out of Dave’s apartment and into the vast depths of time and space, hurtling towards an unknown destination!

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Gustaf]

Chapter 4: A Daring Stratagem

“In 2016,” pontificated the wizard, “Donald Trump won West Virginia over Hillary Clinton by a 68-26 margin—his best state in the country. However, concurrently with this election, Jim Justice, who was a Democrat at the time although he went to the bad less than a year afterwards, won the gubernatorial election 49-42, overperforming the national ticket by a whopping forty-nine points. Two years later, in the last election before the racist West Virginia hicks finally sold the country down the river by giving us Schultz, they reelected Democratic Senator Joe Manchin, although it was by a narrow margin. This proves that West Virginia in the late 2010s was one of the most elastic states in the country—elasticity that could have carried over to the 2020 presidential race, if only Atlas Forum had done what it does best.”

“You keep saying or implying that racist West Virginia hicks ‘gave us’ Schultz,” said Dave. “But as I’ve said to you multiple times now, there were a number of other states that were a lot closer, had a lot more electoral votes, were more elastic in presidential races, and were actually targeted by the Biden campaign. Even after Trump and Pence both got arrested and the Republican campaign collapsed, there was never any question that West Virginia would go for Schultz after he started running as the de facto Republican. I fail to see how convincing Atlas Forum that West Virginia is ‘elastic’ would have changed that.”

“The idea,” said the wizard, “is to get Atlas Forum in the news as insisting that West Virginia is competitive. If they insist it loudly enough, then Biden, who’s more #populist and white working-class than Schultz, will campaign there, and the Democratic ticket will win it as well as its neighboring states. I can explain the mechanism for this for you if you wish, but we’re almost out of time—my strength of mind and body the longer I am out of my own timeline weakens, and—”

Suddenly Dave felt an insistent tugging sensation on his arms. He felt as if he was being pulled backwards, but the wizard was in front of him.

“What is that tugging?” the wizard asked, confirming for Dave that it was not the wizard or any spell or craft of the wizard’s that was doing the tugging. Then, suddenly, they were pulled out of Dave’s apartment and into the vast depths of time and space, hurtling towards an unknown destination!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Is the bolded part going to be about MEGA coattails? I'm Calling it.

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

Chapter 4: A Daring Stratagem

“In 2016,” pontificated the wizard, “Donald Trump won West Virginia over Hillary Clinton by a 68-26 margin—his best state in the country. However, concurrently with this election, Jim Justice, who was a Democrat at the time although he went to the bad less than a year afterwards, won the gubernatorial election 49-42, overperforming the national ticket by a whopping forty-nine points. Two years later, in the last election before the racist West Virginia hicks finally sold the country down the river by giving us Schultz, they reelected Democratic Senator Joe Manchin, although it was by a narrow margin. This proves that West Virginia in the late 2010s was one of the most elastic states in the country—elasticity that could have carried over to the 2020 presidential race, if only Atlas Forum had done what it does best.”

“You keep saying or implying that racist West Virginia hicks ‘gave us’ Schultz,” said Dave. “But as I’ve said to you multiple times now, there were a number of other states that were a lot closer, had a lot more electoral votes, were more elastic in presidential races, and were actually targeted by the Biden campaign. Even after Trump and Pence both got arrested and the Republican campaign collapsed, there was never any question that West Virginia would go for Schultz after he started running as the de facto Republican. I fail to see how convincing Atlas Forum that West Virginia is ‘elastic’ would have changed that.”

“The idea,” said the wizard, “is to get Atlas Forum in the news as insisting that West Virginia is competitive. If they insist it loudly enough, then Biden, who’s more #populist and white working-class than Schultz, will campaign there, and the Democratic ticket will win it as well as its neighboring states. I can explain the mechanism for this for you if you wish, but we’re almost out of time—my strength of mind and body the longer I am out of my own timeline weakens, and—”

Suddenly Dave felt an insistent tugging sensation on his arms. He felt as if he was being pulled backwards, but the wizard was in front of him.

“What is that tugging?” the wizard asked, confirming for Dave that it was not the wizard or any spell or craft of the wizard’s that was doing the tugging. Then, suddenly, they were pulled out of Dave’s apartment and into the vast depths of time and space, hurtling towards an unknown destination!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Is the bolded part going to be about MEGA coattails? I'm Calling it.

Discuss with maps

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Come to think of it, Manchin's megacoattails turned out to play a very important role in national politics. If not for this, Kaine would've lost, which means he wouldn't have been picked by Hillary in 2016, thus clearing a way for VEEP JULIO CASTRO, an electoral juggernaut securing LATINO votes and electing Hillary. Manchin's megacoattails also affected foreign leaders, as KJU wouldn't travel by a train to Vietnam right now.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Chapter 5: A Further Explanation

Dave and the wizard found themselves in the middle of a vast, trackless desert, with a still-hot sun westering fast and only sparse scrub to tell them that the land was able to support life. It could have been 3019, or 2019; it could have been 19 BC, or the 19th Millennium. There was nothing moving anywhere, and the sky was cloudless but nevertheless oddly leaden in color.

“Care to explain what just happened there?” Dave said.

“Your guess is as good as mine,” said the wizard. “There are, however, people who wield power over time and space other than myself, who presumably dragged us here.”

“And who are these people?’ Dave asked.

“In the year 2598,” said the wizard, “after the Council of Basra, the British royal family, the Catholic Church, the Illuminati, and the Fifth Cogendist International joined forces to create perfect doubles of the old Atlas Forum mod team, using a combination of magic and science about which everyone was sworn to utmost secrecy. These new mods were then born, fully adult, from mothers across the world who had been prophesied to give birth to them; they were then ‘scattered’ in time and space, like conscious haze, each of them more ‘idea’ or ‘state of mind’ or even ‘process’ than flesh-and-blood human being. Ever since, these mods have now and then seen fit to intervene in human affairs, and the exact extent of their powers is as yet unknown.”

“So you think the Atlas Forum mods themselves, or their perfect doubles anyway, brought us to this strange and deserted place, then,” said Dave. “I see. If they did so, then would they have had a good reason for it?”

“Presumably, from their own point of view,” said the wizard. “But we have to remember that their way of doing things isn’t like ours and isn’t necessarily good for us. The mods might prove a powerful ally, but they also might prove a formidable enemy; it’s even possible that they’ll be both at once, since they don’t always act with one mind, and there are spats and rivalries and factional conflicts between them.”

“Well, first thing’s first,” said Dave. “We need to figure out where we actually are right now.”

But before they could begin exploring, a human figure appeared from behind a small mesa in the middle distance, and began advancing steadily towards them.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Chapter 6: A Mysterious Stranger

Dave tensed up and started looking for something to hide behind and even the wizard seemed anxious about this approaching figure. The figure was dressed as some sort of pilgrim or wanderer of the kind one might see in certain types of medievalizing children’s fiction, with beaten-up sandals, girded loins, a poncho-like overgarment, a long staff, and a head that looked almost entirely bald beneath a wide-brimmed, conical hat. He had a burlap sack on his back and a pistol on his hip, Dave assumed to ward off coyotes or maybe bandits.

“Stranger, what news?” the pilgrim called to the wizard.

“I’m sorry?” the wizard said.

“Stranger, what news?” the pilgrim said again. “You don’t look like you’re from around these parts. Did the Atlas Forum mods send you here?”

“We think so,” Dave answered before the wizard could. “Why? Do you know them? Are you familiar with their ways?”

The pilgrim was now close enough to talk to at a more or less normal volume. Dave could now see that he had a tattoo on his mostly-bare arm that was now mostly faded but had once read “HELLER 2024.”

“I know quite a lot about the mods, thank you,” the pilgrim said testily. “I tried to argue on a PBS News Hour roundtable that Dean Heller’s loss in 2018 had been a fluke and he should try to regain his old Senate seat in 2024. I said that in national environments that weren’t democratic waves Heller would be more or less unbeatable. I said that he was a good fit for his state and it was just that the D+9 national environment in 2018 was too much for him; that race was more Republican than the nationwide Congressional vote totals, after all. The mods—the cosmic mods, the trans-temporal mods—revealed themselves to humanity for the first time by infracting me for trolling for saying this and banishing me to this place. I’ve been wandering this desert for years. There’s a town nearby where I go to get provisions but they always drive me out before too long.”

“What’s your name, stranger?” asked the wizard.

The pilgrim looked in the wizard’s eye, and the wizard blanched. The pilgrim then stooped, took a small pencil out of his bag, scratched something on a rock, and handed it to the wizard. Then he walked on, leaving Dave alone with the baffled, frightened wizard.

“What’s wrong?” Dave asked.

“Have you ever heard the expression ‘he who sees his own reflection dies,’ Dave?” asked the wizard.

“Can’t say I have,” said Dave. “What’d he write on the rock?”

“You don’t get to know that yet,” the wizard said, abruptly, for the second time. “Anyway, let’s see if we can find this town that he mentioned. We might be able to get some more answers there.”

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Virginiá]

MORE

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Waiting for the actual mods to appear.

[Badger]

Waiting for the actual mods to appear.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Waiting for the actual mods to appear.

Be patient. It won't be much longer, I promise.

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Chapter 7: A Sudden Complication

After several hours of circuitous wandering in the direction of the mesa, Dave and the wizard, parched-tongued, finally rounded it and saw below them in a small valley a village about a mile square. There were power lines leading into it from the east, which was now completely dark; there was a lurid redness on the horizon in the west bleeding into a wash of pinks and light blues higher up in the western and southwestern skies.

Dave and wizard slid down a short scree slope to the outskirts of the village; they had initially tried to pick their way down it carefully, but they had tripped and fallen due to the fading light. They stood up, brushed themselves off, and set about looking for somewhere to get something to drink.

They eventually found a general store where a whole assortment of cowpokes and good-time girls sat watching Fox News. Dave recognized the swing map from the 2044 election, the last competitive one before the Spears of Ice started actively stuffing the ballot boxes every four years.

“What day is this?” he asked a young woman with long, plaited black hair.

“Well, it’s Wednesday, November 3, 2044, of course!” the woman said. “We here in Sanly Bowitts are all powerful strong supporters of the Independent Party. We’re most happy to see President Schultz’ll be with us for four years more. Say, you don’t look like you’re from around these parts.”

“No, well, we’re not,” said Dave. “I’m from Minneapolis, and I don’t even know where he’s from—“

The woman whistled. “An out-of-stater!” she said. “And from a Bipartisan Party state, no less! The mods’ll be pleased to hear that; they say that our voting behavior is too lopsided on account of the fundamentals.”

“And that’s their business why, exactly?” asked Dave.

“Now, see here, young lady,” the wizard said. “Are you telling us that we’ll be kept here, so that we can make your town more competitive in elections?”

“But of course,” said the young woman. “That’s how Sanly Bowitts became such a strong town for Schultz in the first place, after all! Remember that until a coupla cycles ago Nevada was a non-Atlas blue state.”

“Oh, I do remember,” said the wizard.

At that point a shimmering, swirling mist drifted into the general store through the saloon-style door. Everybody except Dave and the wizard genuflected, in some cases kowtowed.

“Lord Mod,” said the young woman, “here are two lean-likely Bipartisan Party voters for the next election.”

“Silence!” said the mod. “We’ve lost interest in the mere partisan foibles of this phony country. These two men are here not to fulfill America’s grand political destiny but to destroy it! And so, to atone for my mortal, human predecessor’s grotesque dismissal of the glorious Schultzian Age when he was alive, I order these two men to get out of town immediately!”

“But, Lord Mod,” said the young woman, “it’s a dark and cold desert night out there. They should—”

“Silence!” said the mod again, but by now the wizard had already dragged Dave out the door and they were running through the town’s darkening streets. “Yes,” said the mod from the doorway, “you’d better run! Now be quick about it, or I’ll make good and sure you suffer a bad accident on your way out of town!”

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Okay, maybe Mike Johnson is a competent parliamentarian.]

Chapter 8: A Harrowing Escape

Dave and the wizard, still parched and now exhausted and frightened as well, stumbled out of Sanly Bowitts and found themselves on a state highway wending in a northeasterly-to-southwesterly direction. They set off southwest, towards the last remaining light portion of the sky. The sun was now low enough below the horizon that it did not hurt their eyes, and the temperature was dropping fast.

“Maybe there’ll be a car,” said Dave. “This looks pretty desolate to me, but you never know. Let’s stick out our thumbs.”

“Sure,” said the wizard. “I don’t really have any other plan, at this point; we have to be at least ten miles away from the nearest mod to escape their Time Scoop Death Point power.”

Dave looked over his shoulder to where the shining mist, now very bright in the dark evening, hovered over the village. “Which mod is that?” he asked the wizard. “Do you have any idea?”

“From the color of the mist, I’d say Neo-Kalwejt,” said the wizard. “The original Kalwejt was harshly dismissive of the idea that Howard Schultz could ever become President; Neo-Kalwejt was conditioned to be a Schultzite zealot. There are suggestions that he was involved in putting down the Gottheimer Uprising, which happened around the same time as the abortive Draft Heller movement.”

“What other mods should we look out for?” asked Dave.

“Well, since we’re in Nevada, there’s Neo-Joe Republic, the Planetary Active Intelligence mod who has hegemony over this state,” said the wizard. “He’s a caustic social liberal like his original human counterpart, though, so he might actually be helpful to our efforts to sink a crypto-Republican campaign.”

“If we can somehow get his attention, yeah,” said Dave.

At that point a car came barreling along the road, overshot Dave and the wizard by a few hundred feet, then was slammed into reverse and sped backwards along the highway to stop right in front of them. An old man wearing a Dudefest T-shirt rolled down the window.

“Who are you?” Dave asked, but he noticed the Dudefest T-shirt as soon as he said it and knew immediately.

He was legend.

He was their helper and savior.

He was the heart and soul of Atlas Forum as it had once been.

“Get in,” BRTD said. “We don’t have much time.”

TO BE CONTINUED...