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Skunk
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« on: May 22, 2019, 10:49:41 PM »

November 7th, 2018



Taylor Swift rolled her eyes as she read all the tweets of conservatives gloating over Marsha Blackburn's win. "Pathetic," Taylor thought to herself. They were really proud that a Republican won a Senate election in Tennessee, weren't they? She might have been new to politics, but she wasn't naive enough to believe that Phil Bredesen had a chance of getting elected. No, the real reason she made the endorsement had nothing to do with the ancient has-been. After getting dogged down by rumors of being sympathetic towards the alt-right and being active on 4chan, she needed to build up a liberal reputation for the future. Endorsing Bredesen was the easy way to do just that. And even with his eleven-point loss, there were still promising signs for Taylor. Immediately after her endorsement in early October, there was a surge in voter registration, particularly among younger voters. And looking over the exit polls, there was obvious room for improvement in Bredesen's performance. Miss Swift knew that she would be able to get a much larger share of the white women vote than Bredesen could ever hope for, not even to mention the fact that she could do better than his wimpy 49-46 approval rating.

There was really only one setback to Swift's future plan. Lamar Alexander. Alexander isn't a methmouth like Marsha, and there's not many attacks that would sink the Senator like she could with other politicians. Taylor sighed. "Oh well, I guess now's not the time..."

December 17th, 2018



"Perfect," Taylor thought to herself. Her path to getting elected to the Senate just got a hell of a lot easier. Obviously given how ruby red Tennessee is, it wouldn't be a walk in the park, but being in both the country industry and pop industry wasn't a challenge for her. Why let this stop her? She knew the Republican primary was going to be chaotic. Obviously Bill Haslam was going to run, but that wouldn't stop a more conservative candidate to step up and challenge him. Plus with how reviled she had become among the right, every Republican would line up to try to defeat her. She figured Haslam wouldn't have a shot in the primary, as popular as he was. Maybe some crazy like Diane Black would be the nominee. That'd be an easy race for her. Taylor wanted to announce her run right then and there, but she knew she had to wait for the perfect moment to announce her run. And she knew she had to get people excited. And she knew exactly how to do that.

April 13th, 2019

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Junior Chimp
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« Reply #1 on: May 22, 2019, 11:10:55 PM »

Oh no.
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HCP
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« Reply #2 on: May 22, 2019, 11:12:49 PM »

Oh yes.
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Junior Chimp
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« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2019, 11:24:26 PM »

The Presidency Belongs With Her?
Never in her Wildest Dreams could she imagine being president?
She Knew Blackburn was Trouble?
The Senate race has a Blank Space?
If she loses, she'll Shake It Off?
Bad Blood with Blackburn?
Tennessee Democrats are out of Style?
Look What Blackburn Made Her Do?
The midterms will be feeling (20)22?

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Sestak
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« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2019, 11:56:07 PM »

Post #1989. Truly a great sign.
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Skunk
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« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2019, 11:59:14 PM »

Holy s**t I didn't even do that on purpose
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LoneStarDem
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« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2019, 06:04:36 AM »

How old is Taylor Swift ?
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Parrotguy
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« Reply #7 on: May 23, 2019, 06:47:56 AM »


http://lmgtfy.com/?q=taylor+swift+age
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Skunk
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« Reply #8 on: May 23, 2019, 05:30:52 PM »
« Edited: August 28, 2019, 02:20:58 PM by Skunk »

February 19th, 2019

Source: Wikimedia Commons

BREAKING: Bernie Sanders will NOT run for President in 2020

Taylor Swift obviously wasn't the only one with political aspirations in 2020. Before she would stun the political world with her announcement, the Presidential contest was well under its way at this point. Seven candidates had already entered at that point: activist Chelsea Clinton, businesswoman Meg Whitman, Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard, Virginia Governor Ralph Northam, former South Dakota Senate Majority Leader Billie Sutton, former Georgia State Senator Jason Carter, and author Marianne Williamson. The Sanders team anticipated that he would take the frontrunner status from Meg Whitman as soon as he announced, but there were several problems with a potential Sanders run. Sanders's foot fetish was an open secret in D.C. and his team knew that he wouldn't be able to come back from the attacks. Not to mention, Sanders's temper was getting worse by the minute. His team tried desperately to convince him to not run, and it seemed hopeless until one brave aide offered to let the disheveled old man massage her feet.

"You know what, f**k it. Guess what dips**ts? I'm not running after all. Yeah that's right, your hero isn't running in 2020. You wanna know why? Cause I'm f**king rich now baby! That s**tty book I wrote made millions! Because dumbasses like you bought it! So instead of standing around giving speeches in some s**thole in Iowa, I'm going to be getting my feet rubbed in a f**king yacht! Peace out, losers!" Sanders said in an e-mail to his supporters.

February 27th, 2019

Source: Wikimedia Commons

BREAKING: Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg Announces Presidential Bid, Joins Crowded Field

From big names such as Nina Turner and Gary Johnson, who stunned political commentators with his switch to the Democratic Party, to perennial candidates such as Joe Biden, the 2020 race is heating up. In the less than ten days since Bernie Sanders announced he would not run in 2020, a record 11 people have announced their run for President, with Ruth Bader Ginsburg being the latest to announce. Ginsburg announced her candidacy in front of a large crowd in Des Moines, Iowa. According to top Whitman aides, Ginsburg poses a serious threat to Whitman's frontrunner status as evident by her energizing speeches.

"Donald Trump wants to fill my seat so bad, well guess what, I'm gonna take his!" Ginsburg announced to thunderous applause.

"Please God, no more," DNC chairman Tom Perez sobbed during a video posted on his Twitter account, expressing dismay over the amount of candidates running.

March 25th, 2019

Source: Wikimedia Commons

BREAKING: Michael Avenatti Arrested for Extortion and Wire Fraud, Will Not Suspend Campaign

Presidential candidate Michael Avenatti was arrested in New York City earlier today for attempting to extort millions of dollars from multi-million dollar company Nike. In addition, the U.S. Attorney for the Central District of California has also accused Avenatti of wire fraud and bank fraud. Avenatti was released from court after paying bail, and has refused all charges.

"I am being attacked for standing up for what is right. These charges against me are all a bunch of lies designed to destroy me and my campaign, but I will keep fighting women- I mean I will keep fighting for women and for our future," Avenatti said during an impromptu press conference.

Kwame Kilpatrick, who has been campaigning from prison, has called for Avenatti to drop out of the race.

April 26th, 2019

Source: Wikimedia Commons

BREAKING: Taylor Swift Announces Bid for U.S. Senate

Taylor Swift's surprise that she teased earlier in the month was an announcement declaring her candidacy as a Democrat for the open Tennessee Senate seat vacated by Lamar Alexander. The announcement came as a surprise, as many expected a new single release, with some even hinting at a collaboration with Panic! At the Disco singer Brendon Urie. In her announcement, Swift described herself as a "political outsider" and decried career politicians such as Bill Haslam and Mark Green, neither of whom have officially announced bids. Swift is actually the second musician to announce a bid for this seat, as country guitarist Stokes Nielson of The Lost Trailers entered the race as a Republican at the start of the month. Swift will face James Mackler, a veteran who ran in 2018 before dropping out for Phil Bredesen, in the primary. The date of the primaries has not been set at this time.

Political analyst Charlie Cook has moved the race for Tennessee's Senate seat from Likely R to Lean R following Swift's announcement. "Taylor Swift is easily the most prominent candidate to enter the race at this point, and will surely clear out the field on the Democratic side. With her large amounts of cash and widespread popularity across the state, she should be able to pose a challenge to whoever the Republicans will nominate. However, Donald Trump is obviously expected to win Tennessee by a large margin in 2020 and will help Republicans down the ballot. Not to mention Phil Bredesen's wider-than-expected defeat in 2018 isn't a great sign for Miss Swift, nonetheless we characterize this race as Lean R."

Taylor Swift has already received the endorsements of Phil Bredesen, as well as fellow singer Tim McGraw, who ruled out a bid in 2018.
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LoneStarDem
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« Reply #9 on: May 23, 2019, 06:19:42 PM »

Oh Boy....
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KennedyWannabe99
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« Reply #10 on: May 23, 2019, 10:16:43 PM »

Ruth Bader Ginsburg/Kwame Kilpatrick 2020!!!

#NeverRahm!
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HCP
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« Reply #11 on: May 23, 2019, 10:27:39 PM »

I wonder who Cher will endorse in the primary.


Also I bet Greg Abbott wins in a landslide (68%-32%) over Selena Gomez (D) in 2022.
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Dr. MB
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« Reply #12 on: May 23, 2019, 10:37:42 PM »

Kwame did nothing wrong. He's got my full support.
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LoneStarDem
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« Reply #13 on: May 24, 2019, 07:12:18 AM »

Swift better brace for backlash.
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Continential
The Op
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« Reply #14 on: May 24, 2019, 11:27:45 AM »

Kwame did nothing wrong. He's got my partial support.
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MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!
Kalwejt
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« Reply #15 on: May 24, 2019, 12:12:13 PM »

The field needs more candidates.
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Skunk
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« Reply #16 on: May 28, 2019, 12:56:14 AM »
« Edited: August 28, 2019, 02:25:14 PM by Skunk »

May 9th, 2019


DNC Chairman Tom Perez Bans More Democrats from Running, Field Finalizes

“Nobody else better run for President. 24 of these clowns is enough. I will personally rig the primaries so that you will receive 0 votes if you announce after tonight. Do not f**king test me, you hear that Bill de Blasio?" Tom Perez angrily stated on The Rachel Maddow Show last night, essentially freezing the field at 24 candidates. Jane Sanders, wife of Vermont Senator and 2016 Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, announced her run on Friday, unknowingly becoming the final 2020 contender to enter the race.

"Despite my husband telling me to not run and that he will never vote for me under any circumstances, I am here to announce I am running for President!" Sanders enthusiastically yelled to the sound of one man clapping.

Other recently announced candidates include Ben Nelson, Bill Nelson, Tom Steyer, Joe Walsh, and Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Walsh has stated that he will run under the Party for Socialism and Liberation ticket should he not receive the Democratic nomination.

In addition to stopping more candidates from running, Perez also announced a change in the debates. "Originally we were going to divide the field from 20 and hold two debates, but miraculously literally every candidate except for Joe Biden qualified for the debates. I think I'm actually going insane because it shouldn't be possible that Jane Sanders has reached 65,000 unique donors and gotten over 1% in three polls within less than 48 hours. So I'm just going to scrap the whole two debate thing and just have one big debate with all 24 candidates- even Joe Biden. It's going to be a nightmare."

Currently Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is ahead in the latest 2020 primary polls, with businesswoman Meg Whitman close behind. Michael Avenatti is also in striking distance at third place due to a surge in the polls after getting arrested. All three candidates lead Trump in a head-to-head match-up.

Ginsburg 49%, Trump 43%
Whitman 48%, Trump 43%
Avenatti 46%, Trump 44%

May 31st, 2019

Source: Wikimedia Commons

Bill Haslam Enters Senate Race

After months of speculation, former Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam announced this morning that he will run for the open Tennessee Senate seat. Haslam becomes the first major Republican to declare his candidacy for the seat, after current Representatives Mark Green and David Kustoff both declined. The announcement came days after a PPP released a poll that showed Haslam ahead of presumed Democratic nominee Taylor Swift by 12 points.

"We need someone who will fight for conservative values in a common sense way that can get past all the Washington bickering and gridlock. As a businessman, mayor, and governor, I have a strong record of working with both sides while maintaining conservative credentials. Taylor Swift is another out of touch liberal that has no real ties to Tennessee. The choice is clear" said Haslam in his campaign launch video.

Swift responded to the announcement on Twitter earlier tonight.

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Parrotguy
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« Reply #17 on: May 28, 2019, 01:31:36 AM »

We're all Tom Perez.
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Not_Madigan
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« Reply #18 on: May 28, 2019, 01:37:54 AM »

RBG!
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Sestak
jk2020
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« Reply #19 on: May 28, 2019, 01:40:46 AM »

All the Wii with RBG.
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S019
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« Reply #20 on: May 28, 2019, 06:36:30 AM »

Ben Nelson 2020!!!
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Kalwejt
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« Reply #21 on: May 29, 2019, 03:45:27 PM »

This is like the most hillarious thing I've seen in a while.
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Skunk
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« Reply #22 on: June 05, 2019, 08:46:55 PM »

Still working on the debates. Update will be soon, believe me!
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Skunk
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« Reply #23 on: August 21, 2019, 02:43:27 PM »
« Edited: August 28, 2019, 02:27:56 PM by Skunk »

(Lol so much for next update will be soon, but oh well. Nobody asked, but Gov Story is back baby!)

June 26th, 2019

Source: Wikimedia Commons

Democratic Debate Night

"Good evening, I'm Julie Chen Moonves, welcome to the Democratic Party's first three-hour 2020 premiere event. Tonight, I will be both hosting and moderating the largest presidential debate yet. Normally, debate moderators would encourage each candidate to give well-thought out answers on heated political issues, such as healthcare policy, immigration, and gun control. But due to such a crowded field, I will instead be giving softball questions to candidates that I like, and personally insulting candidates I dislike. All 24 candidates are in attendance tonight, regardless of their polling numbers. Special accommodations have been made so that Kwame Kilpatrick may attend the debate from his jail cell using Skype."

"As for tonight's rules, there is no set time limit for how short or long your answers may be. At any time, however, Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar, who is in the audience tonight, may throw a binder at you to get you to stop talking."

*crowd cheers*

"To start things off, I'll allow each candidate to give their opening remarks."

Avenatti: Folks, I encourage you to not believe this recent smear campaign against me, big companies such as Nike are trying to label me their enemy and as an 'embezzler' or a 'fraud'. It's no wonder they're attacking me, because I am not beholden to corporate interest. As your next President, I will break up Nike and finally give feet back to the people.

Turner: I'm only running because Sanders isn't running. I'm still going to write in Bernie Sanders once this whole thing is over.

Sanders: Nina Turner is a liar. Sanders is running. Jane Sanders, that is.

Clinton: My mother taught me something during the 2016 campaign. Her immense bravery and passion inspired me, and made me realize that I could do anything I want to in life. Well America, I want to be your next President. Hillary Clinton may have put 65 million cracks in the glass ceiling, but together, we'll shatter that f***er.

Bill Nelson: What? Where am I? Is one of you Rick Scott?

Walsh: Trump has revealed a massive flaw in our nation. If someone so vile and personally repugnant as Donald Trump can be elected President, it's clear that communism is needed now more than ever.

Northam: *moonwalks on stage, the crowd cheering loudly as he does*

Sutton: You assholes can put Kwame Kilpatrick on a giant monitor, but you couldn't have gotten rid of my podium? Nobody can see me, I'm in a wheelchair, this damn podium is doing nothing but getting in my way. Can somebody please come fix this?

Williamson: Mr. President, if you’re listening, I want you to hear me please: You have harnessed fear for political purposes, and only love can cast that out. So I, sir, I have a feeling you know what you’re doing. I’m going to harness love for political purposes. I will meet you on that field, and sir, love will win.

Biden: Why am I at 0% in the polls? I was vice president under Obama for crying out loud! Obama! This is a bunch of malarkey.



"Okay that's enough, sorry Luis Gutiérrez, I know you were next, but if I have to listen to more of this s**t I'm gonna throw up. Uhhhh, I guess I gotta ask one of you a question now, so uh, Mr. Lessig, the metric system, what's up with that?"

Lessig: With all due respect, I think you have me confused for Lincoln Chafee, Julie. I don't care about the metric system.

"Oh, so who the hell are you then?"

Lessig: Well, if you look at my platform, you'll see that I'm runn-

"Nevermind, I don't care. Seth Moulton, there have been rumors circulating that you are secretly a Blackpink stan despite your claims of stanning Loona. So, as proof you're a Loona stan, what's your favorite Loona EP?"

Moulton: *sweating nervously* I don't know, Julie. They're all so good.

"Pick one. Or else I'll unleash the A-bomb." *Klobuchar stares intently from the audience*

Moulton: Fine, uh, Kill This Love.

"That's Blackpink's newest EP, you are truly pathetic Mr. Moulton. Question for Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard, is it true that in 2016 Bernie Sanders offered you a potential role in his cabinet in exchange for pictures of your feet?"

Gabbard: Yes. It is true. I am not proud of my past, but I really want to be his Secretary of State.

"Fascinating."

Biden: Pardon me for interrupting, but what the hell is going on? Why are we talking about whatever a Blackpink is and feet pictures instead of issues facing everyday Americans? Can you ask a normal question that is relevant to issues facing our country?

"Fine. Here's a question on foreign policy."

Biden: Thank you.

"It's your first day as President, and you get a phone call from the Prime Minister of New Zealand. What do you say to her?"

Biden: What? How am I supposed to answer such a ridiculous question?

"Would anybody else on stage like to answer for Joe Biden, since he is clearly incapable of doing so?"

Williamson: My first call is to the prime minster of New Zealand, who said that her goal is to make New Zealand the best place in the world for a child in the world to grow up. And I will tell her 'Girlfriend, you are so on, because the United States of America is going to be the best place in the world for a child to grow up.'

*crowd cheering*



"Yass queen! I think we should end tonight's debate on that."

Steyer: But I didn't get to say anything!

"Who the hell are you? Get off the stage, loser. Would anybody relevant like to prepare a closing statement?"

Sutton: Oh come on, you give Kwame Kilpatrick special treatment and you don't even let him speak! Screw this, I'm dropping out and running for Senate. Get ready, Mike Rounds, because Billie Sutton's coming at ya!

Williamson: If you think any of this wonkiness is going to deal with dark psychic force of the collectivized hatred that this president is bringing up in this country, then I'm afraid that the Democrats are going to see some very dark days.

Kilpatrick: Vote the lizard, not the wizard!

Northam: Hey, listen here buddy, I wasn't the one in the KKK outfit, so you better watch your place you f-

"Woah, that's enough of that! Cut to commercial!"


July 1st, 2019

Post-debate Polling Average: Candidates Polling Below 0% Not Listed
Marianne Williamson: 20% (+6)
Ruth Bader Ginsburg: 18% (-3)
Meg Whitman: 16% (-4)
Michael Avenatti: 13% (-1)
Chelsea Clinton: 5% (+/- 0)
Richard Ojeda: 2% (-1)
Jason Carter: 1% (+1)
Joe Walsh: 1% (+/- 0)
Ralph Northam 1% (-3)
Unsure: 23%
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America Needs R'hllor
Parrotguy
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« Reply #24 on: August 22, 2019, 01:59:30 AM »

My first call is to the prime minster of New Zealand, who said that her goal is to make New Zealand the best place in the world for a child in the world to grow up. And I will tell her 'Girlfriend, you are so on, because the United States of America is going to be the best place in the world for a child to grow up.'
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