What if Jesus returns in 2020

[Inmate Trump]

I saw this on Reddit.  The writer actually makes a pretty strong case for how Trump and Republican voters would not be fans.

Jesus returns in 2020. Once again, he's brown and Jewish.
He immediately begins performing miracles. He cures diseases and removes lead piping in poor communities. He creates water and food which he leaves in deserts near the border. He breaks bread with trans people, sex workers, and other undesirables. He speaks out against foreign wars and gay conversion therapy. He advocates for showing mercy to people fleeing violence and poverty. People wake up one day to find their guns transformed into farm equipment.
Smelling an opportunity, Trump hammers Jesus on Twitter as a socialist agitator helping "invaders" to "destroy America." Sean Hannity does an hour-long special debunking his miracles and discussing how his agenda is anti-American and meant to undermine Christianity. Jerry Falwell Jr. leads a movement of evangelical pastors denouncing him from pulpits across the nation.
Eventually, Jesus is arrested for providing healthcare without a license, leaving food and water in the desert, protesting outside a free speech zone, destruction of property, and eventually sedition and terrorism. His followers are placed on an FBI watchlist.
Following a short trial, he is convicted and sentenced to death. Smelling another opportunity, Trump gives the American people the opportunity to choose whether he should pardon Jesus, or a Border Patrol officer convicted of murdering migrants. Following a social media campaign, a coalition led by the religious and political right manages to swing the vote. The Border Patrol officer is pardoned, and immediately begins a campaign for state senate in Arizona.
Because of drug shortages, Jesus is executed using an experimental electric cross. The ensuing earthquakes and eclipse are interpreted as God's displeasure with the gay agenda. A selfie of a prison guard inserting the muzzle of his AR-15 into a hole burned into Jesus' side goes viral. Republican voters start a trend of getting this scene as a tattoo, which is good for discounts at friendly businesses. Iran deploys several low-yield nuclear weapons in response to a US invasion, producing a strain of stinging scorpion-locusts which decimate crop yields. Several new diseases develop in starving refugee camps.
Thanks in part to voters mobilized by the trial and execution, as well as fears of deteriorating global security, Trump is reelected by narrow margins. Falwell Jr. is inspired to declare him the second coming of the messiah.

[Inmate Trump]

This stemmed from a discussion on this article, alleging that the Christian Right is driving liberals away from Christianity.

https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/the-christian-right-is-helping-drive-liberals-away-from-religion/

[Santander]

This is lower-quality writing than the Turner Diaries.

[Inmate Trump]

This is lower-quality writing than the Turner Diaries.

Dude you know it’s true though.

Republicans would reject a modern day Jesus.

[Chunk Yogurt for President!]

This is lower-quality writing than the Turner Diaries.

Dude you know it’s true though.

Republicans would reject a modern day Jesus.

And so would Democrats as soon as He spoke out against ripping apart babies in the womb.  And no conservatives would be against Him curing diseases for free, considering the fact that He wouldn't be using tax dollars.

A lot, if not most Republicans would be calling for His execution, but don't pretend that Democrats would tolerate Him for long.

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

This is lower-quality writing than the Turner Diaries.

Dude you know it’s true though.

Republicans would reject a modern day Jesus.

I mean, I'd reject him too since OG Jesus wasn't the Messiah.  As such, there's no reason to think he has/would "rise again," so modern day Jesus would probably just be some nutcase wandering around calling himself Jesus.

Well, that or the dust that had once been his bones being reanimated as some sort of weird zombie skeleton thing by radioactive waste.  Now that I think about it, a reanimated-by-nuclear-waste Jesus corpse could very well be patient zero for a zombie apocalypse in this scenario.  That'd be an irony if there was an end times, but it was brought about by a zombie Jesus.  I guess that'd make whoever killed his zombie-skeleton corpse the strongest candidate for the actual Messiah under said circumstances.  Food for thought...  

[Santander]

We are living in end times though, btw.

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

We are living in end times though, btw.

[junior chįmp]

Sit on his lap and ask him for an action figure, and a red toy fire truck, and and a Super Soaker gun and and -

[President Johnson]

He'd be appalled by the party and its leader that calls itsself a party of Christian values. The God Emperor would probably go after him on Twitter then and his base just eat it up. I'm not even kidding.

[Goldwater]

Do people actually still think this is some sort of original and insightful statement? I have been hearing people make this kind of claim about Republicans and Jesus for years now...

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

I saw this on Reddit.  The writer actually makes a pretty strong case for how Trump and Republican voters would not be fans.

Jesus returns in 2020. Once again, he's brown and Jewish.
He immediately begins performing miracles. He cures diseases and removes lead piping in poor communities. He creates water and food which he leaves in deserts near the border. He breaks bread with trans people, sex workers, and other undesirables. He speaks out against foreign wars and gay conversion therapy. He advocates for showing mercy to people fleeing violence and poverty. People wake up one day to find their guns transformed into farm equipment.
Smelling an opportunity, Trump hammers Jesus on Twitter as a socialist agitator helping "invaders" to "destroy America." Sean Hannity does an hour-long special debunking his miracles and discussing how his agenda is anti-American and meant to undermine Christianity. Jerry Falwell Jr. leads a movement of evangelical pastors denouncing him from pulpits across the nation.
Eventually, Jesus is arrested for providing healthcare without a license, leaving food and water in the desert, protesting outside a free speech zone, destruction of property, and eventually sedition and terrorism. His followers are placed on an FBI watchlist.
Following a short trial, he is convicted and sentenced to death. Smelling another opportunity, Trump gives the American people the opportunity to choose whether he should pardon Jesus, or a Border Patrol officer convicted of murdering migrants. Following a social media campaign, a coalition led by the religious and political right manages to swing the vote. The Border Patrol officer is pardoned, and immediately begins a campaign for state senate in Arizona.
Because of drug shortages, Jesus is executed using an experimental electric cross. The ensuing earthquakes and eclipse are interpreted as God's displeasure with the gay agenda. A selfie of a prison guard inserting the muzzle of his AR-15 into a hole burned into Jesus' side goes viral. Republican voters start a trend of getting this scene as a tattoo, which is good for discounts at friendly businesses. Iran deploys several low-yield nuclear weapons in response to a US invasion, producing a strain of stinging scorpion-locusts which decimate crop yields. Several new diseases develop in starving refugee camps.
Thanks in part to voters mobilized by the trial and execution, as well as fears of deteriorating global security, Trump is reelected by narrow margins. Falwell Jr. is inspired to declare him the second coming of the messiah.

This is actually plausible.

[Person Man]

Do people actually still think this is some sort of original and insightful statement? I have been hearing people make this kind of claim about Republicans and Jesus for years now...

I would like to think that this wouldn't happen but it does sound plausible and would say I'm inclined to believe in Christ's literal return. The actual rapture? I sure hope that isn't real and was just someone taking the bible way too literally or in a way that it was not intended to be taken. If these events happen in this way, that would be the best way of testing whether or not the rapture is real.

[Goldwater]

I saw this on Reddit.  The writer actually makes a pretty strong case for how Trump and Republican voters would not be fans.

Jesus returns in 2020. Once again, he's brown and Jewish.
He immediately begins performing miracles. He cures diseases and removes lead piping in poor communities. He creates water and food which he leaves in deserts near the border. He breaks bread with trans people, sex workers, and other undesirables. He speaks out against foreign wars and gay conversion therapy. He advocates for showing mercy to people fleeing violence and poverty. People wake up one day to find their guns transformed into farm equipment.
Smelling an opportunity, Trump hammers Jesus on Twitter as a socialist agitator helping "invaders" to "destroy America." Sean Hannity does an hour-long special debunking his miracles and discussing how his agenda is anti-American and meant to undermine Christianity. Jerry Falwell Jr. leads a movement of evangelical pastors denouncing him from pulpits across the nation.
Eventually, Jesus is arrested for providing healthcare without a license, leaving food and water in the desert, protesting outside a free speech zone, destruction of property, and eventually sedition and terrorism. His followers are placed on an FBI watchlist.
Following a short trial, he is convicted and sentenced to death. Smelling another opportunity, Trump gives the American people the opportunity to choose whether he should pardon Jesus, or a Border Patrol officer convicted of murdering migrants. Following a social media campaign, a coalition led by the religious and political right manages to swing the vote. The Border Patrol officer is pardoned, and immediately begins a campaign for state senate in Arizona.
Because of drug shortages, Jesus is executed using an experimental electric cross. The ensuing earthquakes and eclipse are interpreted as God's displeasure with the gay agenda. A selfie of a prison guard inserting the muzzle of his AR-15 into a hole burned into Jesus' side goes viral. Republican voters start a trend of getting this scene as a tattoo, which is good for discounts at friendly businesses. Iran deploys several low-yield nuclear weapons in response to a US invasion, producing a strain of stinging scorpion-locusts which decimate crop yields. Several new diseases develop in starving refugee camps.
Thanks in part to voters mobilized by the trial and execution, as well as fears of deteriorating global security, Trump is reelected by narrow margins. Falwell Jr. is inspired to declare him the second coming of the messiah.

This is actually plausible.

I hate to get all federoa tipping atheist here, but you and I have very different ideas of "plausible"...

[DC Al Fine]

If non-Christians are going to do this meme, could they at least the Second Coming right?

[DC Al Fine]

Do people actually still think this is some sort of original and insightful statement? I have been hearing people make this kind of claim about Republicans and Jesus for years now...

I would like to think that this wouldn't happen but it does sound plausible and would say I'm inclined to believe in Christ's literal return. The actual rapture? I sure hope that isn't real and was just someone taking the bible way too literally or in a way that it was not intended to be taken. If these events happen in this way, that would be the best way of testing whether or not the rapture is real.

FYI Rapture and Second Coming are different things. The former is taught by some (most?) Evangelicals, the latter is believed throughout Christendom.

[The Mikado]

Wouldn't he show up in Israel, though???

I guess he'd be born to a settler family, given Bethlehem's in the West Bank. He'd probably be a real right wing jerk if he's from a settler family, though.

[Farmlands]

This stemmed from a discussion on this article, alleging that the Christian Right is driving liberals away from Christianity.

https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/the-christian-right-is-helping-drive-liberals-away-from-religion/

I read the article today. Interesting how they focus on American irreligiosity and liberalism, but conveniently forget to mention the rest of the world where there is little presence of the religious right, but declining religious affiliation as well. Almost like they're tying to push a false narrative, that the cause for atheism is totally those evangelicals' fault.

[Inmate Trump]

If non-Christians are going to do this meme, could they at least the Second Coming right?

I am a Christian, fyi.

[DC Al Fine]

If non-Christians are going to do this meme, could they at least the Second Coming right?

I am a Christian, fyi.

Ok. The problems with this silly story should be fairly obvious then.

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

On a more serious note, 2004 called, it wants its dumb #HotTakes back.

[The Mikado]

I'm serious, though, why do people assume a Jesus who'd probably be born to right wing settlers in the West Bank would be anything other but a colossal jerk who'd, like, copy original Jesus killing the fig tree to use his power to zap trees in Palestinian orchards in the West Bank? I don't think the profile of "Jew born in the West Bank" is particularly conducive to a person preaching charity and compassion and brotherhood right now. You'd probably end up with a sorcerer with some really horrendous agendas backed by real power.

[Statilius the Epicurean]

If Jesus came back why would he be in the US? More likely he's stuck in the West Bank and is shot by the IDF trying to get to Jerusalem through the barrier.

Edit: or what The Mikado said. He starts another ultra-Orthodox sect proclaiming himself the Messiah with the goal of taking over Israel and rebuilding the Temple to institute the 1,000 year Kingdom of God. If successful the bulldozing of the al-Aqsa Mosque triggers a war with the Islamic world which ends in a nuclear exchange killing millions and irradiating much of the Middle East.

[Mr. Smith]

This is lower-quality writing than the Turner Diaries.

Dude you know it’s true though.

Republicans would reject a modern day Jesus.

And so would Democrats as soon as He spoke out against ripping apart babies in the womb.  And no conservatives would be against Him curing diseases for free, considering the fact that He wouldn't be using tax dollars.

A lot, if not most Republicans would be calling for His execution, but don't pretend that Democrats would tolerate Him for long.

That depends on whom he cures for free.

[Chunk Yogurt for President!]

This is lower-quality writing than the Turner Diaries.

Dude you know it’s true though.

Republicans would reject a modern day Jesus.

And so would Democrats as soon as He spoke out against ripping apart babies in the womb.  And no conservatives would be against Him curing diseases for free, considering the fact that He wouldn't be using tax dollars.

A lot, if not most Republicans would be calling for His execution, but don't pretend that Democrats would tolerate Him for long.

That depends on whom he cures for free.

No, it doesn't.