Predict how the previous forumite will die

He'd started with the best of intentions, sitting at the kitchen counter on a rainy Sunday morning watching television with a bowl of Captain Crunch before him. The trouble began when he laughed and a spoonful of milk suddenly sprayed into his nostrils. His left eye squinted in discomfort before The Idea came to him. He stuck out his tongue as far as it could go and began to lick inside of his own nose, clearing out the misdirected milk.

His mother walked in and started. "That's disgusting!" she exclaimed, and then stopped to think. "But my god," she then said, resting her hands on her hips, "I've never seen anyone able to do that. I think it might be a world record."

This idea struck a chord of the deepest, most intimate levels in NDN's heart. From that moment he was determined to break a world record by publicly doing the most outrageous tongue-to-nostril stunt ever.

He began to practice in his room, stretching his tongue and exercising his jaws. He flared out his nostrils and his tongue went deep inside, deeper and deeper with every passing week. His mother began to grow worried and began to regret that rainy Sunday morning. She was only trying to encourage him. She didn't want him to become obsessed.

Seventeen years later he had organized a press conference and convinced representatives from various world record agencies to attend his main event. He would prove to the world and finally make his mother proud. He stood at the podium on his front porch and proclaimed his intentions before the small crowd. After a stirring proclamation, he slowly walked into his front yard as security held back the press and observers. His mother stood at the porch window, pushing the curtains aside slightly with her two fingers as her other hand gripped a tissue.

NDN held his hands into the air and took three deep breaths. He then slowly stuck out his tongue and raised it into his nostrils as they flailed outwards. He thrust it inwards slowly in spurts and cameras flashed and mouths hung agape. It went further than it ever had, and soon the tip was making its way back through his nostril cavity, toying with his uvula. He sucked in, and, in a terrible instant, his tongue ripped from its base and slipped backwards down his throat. His stomach heaved. His eyes bulged. He couldn't breathe or swallow as the stomach acid crept up his throat. He fell down and tried to scream, but all that came out was a sad gurgle. The security, flabbergasted, knew not what to do except continue to keep the people away.

His mother panicked and reached for the phone to call 9-11, but by the time they arrived it was too late. NDN had choked to death on his tongue, suffocate, and drowned in his own vomit. His mother would never recover. His family had to move out of the country for fear of embarrassment. He never did get that world record, no, but he did win the most infamous Darwin Award ever.

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