2005 Inaugural and Ensuing Events/Next Poster Adds To Story

[DanielX]

Santorum informs the world about the coffee spill and reveals that the Pentagon correspondent who spilled coffee and launched the missile, was really a Russian saboteur and was killed by Pentagon security.

He also offers a military alliance to Hu Jintao, who, outraged that Russia wants to take parts of China, agrees, and Chinese troops begin to mass on the Manchurian border. Mongolia also enters in on the alliance.

The new NATO-Chinese Pact prepares for the worst. Before any more nukes go off, though....

[2952-0-0]

...Santorum is secretly videotaped to be gay. To days later at a press conference he tearfully apologizes, and, showing a bit of decency, resigns and is whisked away to MacDill AFB in Florida, where he undergoes a cosmetic surgery and changes his name, and disappears from the public arena.

However, one question remains: who will take up this job? With the Vice-Presidency vacant, it is up to the Speaker of the House to take the oath. None other than the one-and-only...

[Speed of Sound]

Dennis Kucinich, who had changed parties after the Clinton-Coulter scandal. As if this wasnt big enough, Kucinich announces that his Vice-President is none other than newly elected senator.....

[True Democrat]

Cindy Sheehan!!!

[George W. Hobbes]

President Kucinich announces that he will not use nuclear, biological, or chemical weapons in the conflict with Russia.  He also demand UN approval for moving against Russia, but Russia vetos in the Security Council.

The US Ambassador attempts to invoke the "party to a dispute" rule, which could eliminate Russia from casting a ballot.  The Russians cannily move to vote on whether or not there is a dispute, and vetos the attempt to label the conflict a dispute.

The US then invokes "United For Peace", and the General Assembly passes a meaningless use of force resolution against Russia.

[Lincoln Republican]

However, just as President Kucinich is beginning to make progress in this potentially disastrous situation involving the U.S., Russia, and China, scandal hits the Oval Office once again.

It has been revealed that in fact Dennis Kucinich has been Rick Santorum's gay lover for the past two years.  Faced with irrefutable evidence, Kucinich confirms this.

President Kucinich goes on national television and announces......   

[Speed of Sound]

That he and Santorum are to be married by election day. While it doesnt affect his approval ratings because of progress in the conflict, it does give Sheehan an edge over him in Primary polls.

[ilikeverin]

Meanwhile, in a small town in Alabama, local school principal Randy Jones III declares he is running for President as a Socialist.  No one takes much notice.

The Democratic nomination heats up, as popular (and newly Democratic) Ohio Governor Bob Taft enters an already crowded field of candidates.

With the Iowa caucuses in seven months, the races look like this:

Democrats
Cindy Sheehan: 34%
Carol Mosely Braun: 17%
Lyndon LaRouche: 15%
Bob Taft: 12%

Undecided: 22%

Republicans
Snoop Dogg: 27%
John McCain: 26%
Rick Santorum: 15% (offered)
Dennis Kucinich: 2% (running for both the Gay Party endorsement and the Republican Party endorsement)

Undecided: 30%

Gay (the Gay Party was founded recently in a split from the Republicans)
Dennis Kucinich: 42%
Rick Santorum: 39%
Cher: 5%
Rosie O'Donnel: 2%

Undecided: 12%

Overall (with frontrunners)
Cindy Sheehan (D): 29%
Snoop Dogg (R): 28%
Dennis Kucinich (G): 18%
Randy Jones (S): .01%

Undecided: 24.99%

But this all changes when Randy Jones III...

[PBrunsel]

Reveals evidence that all of his opponents are followers of Goatishism, a relgion of the goats!

Jones surges in national polls running under the slogan, "A Chicken in Every Garage."

[2952-0-0]

At this time the American economy has fallen into freefall due to the war with Russia. The massive increase in military spending, combined with Congress' refusal to raise the limit on the national debt, which by now stands at $10.5 trillion, causes the government to default. Panicked bondholders in Japan frantically dump their bonds, causing the economy to spiral into chaos and the government to print money. On one day, major stock market indices slide by almost 35%, while general economic life slows to a standstill. With the possibility of a Kucinich presidency, investors panick even further.

Meanwhile, a British nuclear submarine shoots down a MiG fighter jet over the Baltic Sea, while Russian submarines are deployed in the area.

Before long NATO and Russian submarines meet off northern Poland and engage in a fierce battle. Armed hostilities in World War Three have commenced.

[Lincoln Republican]

Meanwhile, on the domestic political front, congressional leaders tell President Kucinich that there is "no way in a million years" that they will ever, EVER, approve "that Sheehan character" for Vice President. 

Kucinich withdraws Sheehans name, and nominates Republican Congressman Chris Shays of Connecticut for Vice President.

Says the President, "I urge Congress to approve Congressman Shays as Vice President post haste.  I have a war to conduct."

That same day, the House conducts one hour of hearings, then the Senate conducts one hour of hearings, and Chris Shays is sworn in as Vice President the same day.     

[True Democrat]

But then, as Chris Shays is being inauguarated as Vice-President, in the Capitol, a bomb goes off, killing Kucinich, Shays, the PPT, Speaker, and every member of the Cabinet except. . .

[Speed of Sound]

Secratary of State Pat Roberts, who dies of a sudden round of AIDS. By this point, the American people are sick of this entire chain, and begin revolting, and USA falls into a temporary anarchy. During this time, the Candian parliament begins consdering annexing some of the states if they are willing, claiing "at least here, your leader will last more than a month." At the end of the month, Maine ,Vermont, and New Hampshire are Canadian territory.

[True Democrat]

Congressman Pat Roberts, who dies of a sudden round of AIDS. By this point, the American people are sick of this entire chain, and begin revolting, and USA falls into a temporary anarchy. During this time, the Candian parliament begins consdering annexing some of the states if they are willing, claiing "at least here, your leader will last more than a month." At the end of the month, Maine ,Vermont, and New Hampshire are Canadian territory.

I meant a member of the Cabinet, but whatever.

[2952-0-0]

Taking advantage of the madness stateside, Russian landing crafts rumble towards Nome, make a landing, and armoured vehicles trudge towards eastward encountering sporadic fighting from an American military without any central commanding. Cruise missiles start raining down on American bases in Iraq and Turkey, as well as the site of Iran's nuclear reactor.

[Lincoln Republican]

A day later, Massachusetts, Connecticut, and Rhode Island ask Stephen Harper for permission to become part of Canada.

Harper gives his permission, "providing that Ted Kennedy is sent to Utah, and is forced to run for the U.S. Senate from there."

[Platypus]

In  the process of invasion, Alaska claims to be a part of Canada. The Russians, not wanting to offend their socialist friends in Canada, ring to confirm before they continue their invasion of the United States.

A deal is cut in which Alaska is recognised as Canadian territory and the Soviet military is allowed to use Canadian airspace and land in passage to the United States. If the Russian invasion is successful, Canada will also gain control of Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Montana, Michigan, Wisconsin and Minnesota.

Meanwhile anarchy continues in the United States, and led by Randy Jones III, the people of Alabama form the Soviet Socialist Republic of Alabamistan. Nobody is quite sure who Alabam is or why he is tanned until....

[DanielX]

...he is discovered to be Randy Jones III's grandfather, long supposed dead but actually hanging out in Algeria for awhile. He announces support for his Grandson.

Meanwhile,  Gov. Arnold Schwarzenneger takes command of the Kalliyefornyah National Guard and local US military units and begins a counteroffensive against the Russians. He sweeps the continent clear of Russian troops (taking all of Canada west of Manitoba in the process) and lands substantial numbers of forces in Siberia with cooperation from Japan and China. Vladivostok is captured and...

[2952-0-0]

...the eastern United States continues to spin into chaos, with armed militias taking over control of the former United States Government. After a week the stockpile of nuclear warheads at Oak Ridge, Tennessee, is looted by armed bandits. Little did they know that those nukes would fall into the hands of...

[DanielX]

... Randy Jones III himself. He declares his decision to use the nuclear weapons "with all due respect". Alabamistan expands to include much of the Southeast.

Meanwhile, Polish troops capture Kaliningrad, and Arnold's troops meet Chinese forces near Lake Baikal. The Russians attempt to shoot off their nuclear arsenals but are foiled by...

[Platypus]

Australian superstar Kylie Minogue.



In a speech to International TV, she says "Yeah, the Russians are like totally not cool and neither are nukes"

This amazing statement gives her the support of the world and she somehow ends up as the new President of the not-so United States.

[Bacon King]

Angered by the fact that they can't even remember how many presidents they've had in the past year, (what's left of) the US government passes an amendment, stating "No president shall die before the end of his term." However, no one is quite sure how its supposed to be enforced.

[ATFFL]

Canada, hoping to gobble up more territory, decides to test the new amendment.  Unsure who the current President is, they kill fifty random people.  In doing so, they get lucky and kill the Presiden and 49 illegal aliens (Who make up the bulk of the American people.)

Upset over this act, Quebec seceeds from Canda. 

Meanwhile, the French, rather upset over being ignored in this whole affair, do what they do best: surrender.  France surrenders to their new Andorran overlords who issue their first command.  Namely, the French are to . . .

[True Democrat]

Become Protestant.  Once this is done, the English monarchy claims the right to France.  Their first action is to. . .

[DanielX]

...begin to force millions of Frenchmen to drink warm beer and bathe daily. This   gains approval from tourists, but nearly causes a revolt among the French.

Meanwhile, Randy Jones III leads his army of followers across the East Coast and invades Canada, taking southern Ontario and...