Battle of the diet gurus: Ornish (D) vs. Atkins (R)

[FerrisBueller86]

This is the battle of the draconian diet gurus.  In this exercise, Dr. Atkins has to be brought back to life.  As you know, he's the one who pushed the low-carb diet that everyone was on a few years ago.  Because of him, many people were limiting their daily carb intake to 30 grams, compared to the 300 grams suggested by the US RDA.

Dr. Ornish advocates getting less than 10% of your day's calories from fat (compared to the standard 30% suggested) and eliminating meat from your diet.  I weighed about 125 pounds at the time I first came across his book _Eat More Weight Less_.  The chart said that I could consume only about 15-20 grams of fat per day (compared to the 65 grams suggested by the US RDA for a modest 2000-calorie-per-day diet) to maintain my current weight.  Another chart showed me to be about 30 pounds underweight, but the chart showing weight vs. fat grams said that I had to restrict my fat intake to 25-30 grams per day in order to gain the 30 pounds.  (My older sister had the book, and I found the draconian fat restriction to be kooky.)

Which kooky diet guru do you vote for?  Who wins?  And what does the electoral map look like?

Note that I have no idea what the partisan leanings of Ornish and Atkins are.  I associate vegetarians with liberal Democrats and big meat-eaters with conservative Republicans even though I'm sure there are people out there who defy my assumptions.  (I'm a liberal Democrat, and I'm not a vegetarian.)

[FerrisBueller86]

I'd vote for Third Party- Sensible Diet.  Oops, I didn't include that option.  OK, I'd hold my nose and vote for Ornish.  He's kooky, but Atkins is even kookier.  I only violate the Ornish Diet by a factor of 2, but I violate the Atkins Diet by a factor of 10.

Atkins would turn the nation into the food equivalent of Iran or North Korea.  We'd see:
1. All carbohydrates would require the same handling as plutonium.
2. If a bread truck is involved in a collision, the whole town would have to be evacuated, and the emergency responders would have to wear radiation suits to clean up the mess.
3. If the cops pull you over and find bread in your vehicle, you'll be led away in handcuffs.
4. All wheatfields, cornfields, apple orchards, and orange orchards would be bombed into oblivion.
5. Pop star Mandy Moore would be considered a terrorist for singing a song called "Candy".
6. Cops would pull you over for doing 300 in a 20 zone. (I'm referring to grams of carbohydrates in a day.)
7. Consuming cereal, toast, and orange juice for breakfast would replace bungee jumping as an extreme sport.
8. Giving candy to trick-or-treaters would be a felony.
9. "America's Most Wanted" would replace the terrorists, mass murderers, and other killers with the CEOs of the companies that manufacture cookies, crackers, snacks, fruit juice, candy, and other foods rich in carbohydrates.
10. In the Bond movie "Live and Let Die", the crazy Louisiana sheriff would have said, "You picked the wrong bread aisle to haul asss through, boy. Nobody cuts and runs on Sheriff J. W. Atkins!"
11. In the Bond movie "The Man With The Golden Gun", the crazy Louisiana sheriff would have shouted out, "Sheriff J. W. Atkins, Louisiana Diet PO-LICE!"

[FerrisBueller86]

Atkins would win in a landslide.  The map:

The battleground states would be Hawaii, California, Florida, New York, Oregon, and Washington.  Hawaii is the home of the pineapple industry, Florida is home to the orange industry, many vegetables are grown in California, and the vegetarianism of Ornish is more popular in California than any other state.  These are the only three states Ornish wins.  Atkins wins the other 47 states AND DC with 452 electoral votes.  Ornish tries to win the Great Plains States by pointing out that Atkins would label wheat as a weapon of mass destruction, but the Atkins campaign counters by proclaiming, "Dr. Ornish is an immoral, god-hating, pot-smoking hippie who wants to take your bacon and guns away!"

Atkins easily wins all of the other states.  Even though he's not as popular as he used to be, Atkins dieters far outnumber Ornish dieters, and you'll have to pry the bacon out of most people's hands.

[Joe Republic]

Write-in: Britney SPears!!!!!1

[FerrisBueller86]

Ornish would get less than 10% of the vote in Kentucky, Mississippi, and Texas.  Kentucky is home of Kentucky Fried Cholesterol, and all the Atkins campaign has to do is announce, "Dr. Ornish wants to label KFC a weapon of mass destruction!"  Dr. Ornish only gets votes because a few people vote for him by mistake when they have too much blood diverted from their brains to their stomachs as a result of eating Kentucky Fried Cholesterol.

In Mississippi, the Atkins campaign announces, "Dr. Ornish will take your deep-fried foods away!"

In Texas, the Atkins campaign announces, "Dr. Ornish will take your steak away!"  Ornish doesn't get a single vote anywhere in the panhandle.  Amarillo is home of the 72-ounce steak.  As you approach on Interstate 40, you'll see billboards from the steakhouses offering a 72-ounce steak and all the fixings (enough for 5 or 6 people) for FREE if you consume it all by yourself within an hour.  As you get off Interstate 40 to go to one of these steakhouses, you'll see flyers posted on the exit ramp advertising weight loss programs.  I wonder if there's a conspiracy at work.  Nicole Richie needs to move to Amarillo.

[MasterJedi]

Atkins/Atkins

[FerrisBueller86]

Wow, one of you thinks Ornish would win.  Why?