Canadian Federal Election: PLAY!

[CultureKing]

Statement from Canadian Heritage Party member Ron Gray at a gathering of supporters in Ontario:
"This election we need to form a new government that is morally sound. Our party stands by the many christian ideals to help steer the country in a better direction. First we want to emphasize that we are Canada's only Pro-life party, the CHP is the only party that is willing to fight for every precious life in Canada and moreover the world. To ensure freedom for all the peoples of Canada the CHP will fight to increase the level of Christian influence in Canadian politics. Canada has been for too long ruled by those who do not believe strongly enough or even at all in our lord, and it is these radicals and atheists that we fight so strongly against to preserve the morals of our fair country. To help in our crusade for a morally just Canada we in the CHP will establish a National Day of Rest once a week that would involve the closing of all non-essential buisnesses and services in Canada (recognizing the different religions of Canada this day can vary for different people), the need for this National Day of Rest is validated by the many references in the bible. God Bless Canada!


----------------------------------
Hey, just as a question to everyone am I going a bit too hard on the God and Christian ideals of the CHP or am I pretty close to them in real life?

[Hash]

Angus-Reid/IPSOS Poll December 2, 2005

Liberal 30 (-2)
Conservative 30 (+1)
NDP 21 (+1)
Green 9 (+3)
Bloc Quebecois 8 (-2)
AAP 0.9 (+0.2)
Rhinoceros 0.5 (-0.2)
First People's National 0.3 (=)
Christian Heritage 0.2 (=)
AAEVP 0.1 (=)

Leger Marketing Quebec Polls

Bloc Quebecois 36 (-5)
Liberal 26 (+2)
Conservative 18 (=)
NDP 13 (+3)
Green 6 (=)
Rhinoceros 0.6 (-0.2)
Animal Alliance 0.3 (+0.2)
Christian Heritage 0.1 (=)

[Gabu]

Text of a speech from Cornelius the Second's spokesman, Lucas Longley

Victoria, BC-

Thank you.  Thank you all.  I'm sure you would have all preferred to see Cornelius the Second in the flesh, but alas, it was feeding time, so I will have to do.

[Laughter.]

I'm here to talk to you about a serious matter.  A very, very serious matter with dire consequences indeed.  I'm sure you all know what that is.  Yes, I can barely even think about it without feeling frightened.  That matter is, of course, pencils.

[Laughter.]

I know, it's shocking just to hear it, isn't it?  But it's true.  Every day, millions upon millions of children have to go to school and bear with these godawful contraptions - I mean, really, either you buy those stupid yellow ones and then have it get dull after writing like two sentences, or you buy those mechanical ones and then have to keep filling them up.  No, I say to you today, Canada, that is not good enough.

[Laughter and applause.]

If I am your prime minister, no more, I say: no more.  Haven't you ever seen what happens when you get cut?  Your body fixes itself!  Now let's put two and two together.  Your body: carbon-based.  Pencil lead: carbon-based.  Any idiot can see that the two situations are perfectly identical, and let me tell you: I, ladies and gentlemen, am quite confident of my status as an idiot.

[Laughter.]

If elected prime minister, I will immediately get all of our top smart people together upon my election and will immediately set them on the course to make self-sharpening pencils, solving this dire, dire problem once and for all.  I mean, come on: carbon-based things can become bigger, so surely they can get smaller, too.

Remember, folks: a vote for us is a vote for a sharp future indeed.

[Applause.]

And, hey, let's face it - it's not as if government is doing anything else of note.

[Laughter and applause.]

Thank you!

[Gabu]

Brief statement from the Rhino Party HQ

"Kumquat" is a funny word.

[ilikeverin]

Who is Randia Jones?
Randia Jones was born on January 5, 1965, in the town of Double Springs, Alabama, to Ezekiel and Letitia Jones.  She was the 5th of 12 children, and took her responsibilities as 5th child to heart, teaching her younger siblings the art of the accordion.  She's a descendant of the notable perennial Socialist candidate for President, Randy Jones.

However, Randia soon stood out from the rest of her siblings with her boisterous, dangerous attitude.  For instance, upon spotting a small chipmunk eating some of the lettuce that had been growing in the Jones's fields, instead of shooting it like any good 'ol decent Jones folk, she adopted it and named it "Sunbeam", keeping it for 5 years until it was run over by the Jones family pontoon boat.  She also developed the annoying habit of forcing anyone around her to call her "Moonshine Starflower" instead of her proper name.  Still, she was mostly an obedient girl, and distinguished herself every year in the annual Jones Family Reunion, where she would always win the Varmint Identification contest.

However, when, one day at the dinner table, she came out with the shocking revelation that she "might possibly maybe support abortion if the fetus is trying to consume its mother's uterus?", her family disowned her "except for family occasions and the family reunion and such".  Lost and dispirited, she eventually made her way to UC Berkeley, where she finally found her niche.  She immediately enrolled, and graduated Magna Cum Laude in the class of 1987, with a double major in Varmint Studies and Principal-ness.  Feeling unsatisfied with her life in the United States, however, she decided to move to Canada.  After throwing a dart at a map of Canada, she decided that Chibougamau, Quebec was the place to be (the dart had landed in the Hudson Bay, but she decided job opportunities were not very good underwater), so she moved there and took up the family profession as high school principal.

It was in Chibougamau that she met her future husband, Adrien Alphonse Édouard Marc Jean-Baptiste Guillaume Simon Jean-Claude Gagnon, who also happened to be her French teacher.  Randia soon fell hopelessly in love with this dashing Frenchman (she could not tell his Quebecois accent apart from a Parisian one), and they went off to get married in the summer of 1989... never mind that he was Catholic and she was Southern Baptist!  They have a very happy marriage, and have had 8 children together: Randy A., Randia, Randy P., Randé, Excité, Jean-Claude-Auguste-Claude-Guillaume, Marie-Thérèse-Charlotte, and Randy X. Gagnon-Jones.

Continued tomorrow...

We're terribly sorry, but apparently our typist got momentarily districted and typed "tomorrow" when he really of course meant "Friday".  Anyway, where were we?


Besides the 8 children born to the couple, the Gagnon-Joneses have adopted 5 children: Enguerrand and Suzette (fraternal twins, adopted domestically in 1990), Rabih (from Chad, 1992), Will (a second cousin, once-removed of Randia who was orphaned in a terrible spatula accident, 1999), and Thuy Hoa (from Vietnam, 2004).  This has created a very busy household, but all the members of the family are held accountable for their actions.  Suzette Gagnon-Jones came out to her family as a lesbian in 2005.  She now lives in Montreal with her partner Jeanne Leduc, who is the AAEVP candidate for the riding of Papineau.  All of her children have been raised in a type of religion Randia describes as "Roman Baptist".

She also has 23 cats, 17 dogs, 42 fish, 27 budgies, 9 alpacas, 4 goats, 12 chickens, and 2 emus, who she cares for like children.  The animal control officials who she invites to regularly inspect her household can testify that all the animals are well-treated.

Besides raising her children and being a school principal, Randia has been active in her community.  She founded the local chapter of Amnesty International (Amnistie internationale), and is also very active in the local PETA.  She was arrested in July of 1997 along with a group of very vocal animal rights supporters on the steps of the provincial capital, though she was released the next day upon photo evidence being developed proving her protests were completely nonviolent and nondestructive.  This got her "massive street cred" within her school and local liberal community.

However, fate intervened in her life as it had her great-great-grandfather's.  One day, while strolling around the halls of her high school, she happened upon a report a student had written about the AAEVP for a civics class.  The report immediately changed her view of politics.  Finally there was a party that had the true interests of Canada in its heart!  She convinced everyone of voting age in her family (at the time, herself, Adrien, Suzette and Jeanne, and Enguerrand) to register as a member of the AAEVP, and in a very dirty leadership battle she overcame the odds to win a tight leadership contest over the incumbent 5-1, with 100% of AAEVP party members voting.

Randia now looks excitedly towards a future full of promise and joy for Canada.  And animals.  Lots, and lots, of furry animals.

[Јas]

AAP Policy Announcement
The AAP is proud to announce that when in government all major cabinet decisions will be taken on the outcome of games of Rock, Paper, Scissors. The AAP is convinced this is the sanest and most fair decision making process possible. This represents a significant policy shift away from the use of Magic 8 balls - which proved no longer tenable following the regretable incidents at the AAP Convention last year.

AAP Press Release
The AAP wishes to rebut, in the strongest possible terms, the ridiculous submission of the so called Rhino Party that "Kumquat" is a funny word. We find it to be no better that mildly interesting and kindly request that the Rhino Party leadership withdraw their previous statement.

[Gabu]

Rhino Party Press Release

The Rhino Party would like to reiterate the fact that "kumquat" is, indeed, a funny word, and would like to challenge the AAP to prove them otherwise, because the Rhino Party strongly believes that it is simply as self-evident as the fact that all men are born equal or the fact that Stockwell Day still hasn't changed his first name to "Doris".

[Gabu]

Rhino Party statement of policy

The Rhino Party announced today that all major cabinet decisions will be decided by giving candidates for each position ten of those skill testing math questions that you get at McDonald's whenever you win something in a contest.  We will then give the position to whomever gets the highest number of them correct.  We believe that this is infinitely superior to the AAP's announced method, as it requires each candidate to show a mental capacity substantially above and beyond what is normally expected of a politician.

[Јas]

AAP Press Release
Response to the Rhino Party

To whom it may concern,
The issue of the 'funnyness' of the word 'Kumquat' was referered to our Humour Oversight and Measurement Steering Committee, headed by this guy -


He plotted the funnyness of the word 'Kumquat' graphically in the following form


Self-evidently, it's not very funny at all. Frankly, that was good enough for us, and I'm sure the people of Canada will agree.

[ilikeverin]

The AAEVP condemns the use of the highly endangered flying spaghetti monster in your campaign materials!  As this is your second warning about animal use, you may be given a time out the next time you use one in any of your advertisements.  Thank you for your cooperation.

[Gabu]

Rhino Party Press Release

The Rhino Party's resident deity is this guy:



Our god can beat up the AAP's god, so we are obviously right.

[Јas]

The AAEVP condemns the use of the highly endangered flying spaghetti monster in your campaign materials!  As this is your second warning about animal use, you may be given a time out the next time you use one in any of your advertisements.  Thank you for your cooperation.

AAP Press Release
The AAP is disappointed by these harsh criticisms. FSM's esteemed position within the AAP is a prized and respected one. We would have hoped that we would be praised by organisations such as the AAEVP for promoting endangered species into positions of seniority and influence.

Clearly the AAEVP wishes to continue to trample upon the rights of endangered species and so the AAP calls on their supporters to seriously consider backing a party, like the AAP, which recognises and promotes talent regardless of trivial matters such as the species of the individual.

[Јas]

Rhino Party Press Release
Our god can beat up the AAP's god, so we are obviously right.

AAP Press Release
Given our confidence in the abilities of FSM, the AAP wishes to challenge the Rhino Party to a three stage ccontest between our respective deities.

Part 1: A Rock, Paper, Scissors contest (Best of 3)
Part 2: A McDonalds^TM maths challenge thing - fastest correct answer wins.
Part 3: A 'Funny Word Challenge' whereby each deity submits 3 words which will then be compared to see who has come up with the funniest words.

The AAP has such great confidence in FSM that it in fact invites all the other parties to submit candidates to be beaten in these challenges.

[Gabu]

Rhino Party Press Release

Having complete faith in the almighty Cthulhu, the Rhino Party respectfully requests that the AAP bring it on.

[Јas]

AAP Press Release
Further Candidate Announcements

The AAP is proud to announce two more heavyweights to join our line up, both to run in that most absurd of places - Prince Edward Island.

Our new Environment spokesman and candidate for Malpeque, PEI is Flying Spaghetti Monster.


FSM has kindly taken time our from typical deistic business in managing the universe to join the AAP and run for a seat in the Canadian House of Commons from an obscure backwater constituency.

FSM’s environmental credentials are, of course, unimpeachable being the creator of all things. FSM has also been closely involved in the climate change debate and has influenced AAP policy. FSM’s promotion of the evidence of correlation between global temperature increases and pirate number decreases is well known.


AAP policy on tackin climate change is thus now focused on increasing the number of Canadian pirates. To achieve this aim, the famous Canadian navy and all Canadian registered or owned vessels will now be re-designated as pirate ships. All ship captains will now be required to wear eye-patches and keep a parrot onboard. Penalty for failure to meet these standards shall be walking the plank.

Our second candidate announcement is the AAP’s new spokesman on Culture. For the riding of Egmont, PEI, the AAP candidate shall be Saparmurat Niyazov.

Yes, Turkmenbashy himself shall be running for the AAP. Indeed, following his immensely successfully absurd leadership of Turkmenistan, the AAP will be importing a number of his fabulous policies. These include: the building of an ice castle – which shall be used as the new parliament buildings; the construction of statues and painting of giant murals celebrating AAP leaders; and finally in the field of health policy - the youth of Canada will be encouraged to chew on bones to preserve their teeth rather than performing other medical treatments.

[Hatman 🍁]

NDP leader Pierre Ducasse was in Bathurst, New Brunswick today:

"I'm not one to read to much in to polling numbers, but there is deffinitely a sense of optimism within the NDP right now. The Liberals have dramatically changed course and are alienating their base. Meanwhile, the Conservatives have had little to say so far this election. Perhaps they're scared that one of their candidates may say the wrong thing and reveal their party's true colours?

Ladies and gentleman, the time is now to vote NDP. We are the only party that puts hard working Canadians first. We are the only party that puts the environment first, and we are the only party to put Canada first."

[ilikeverin]

Rhino Party Press Release
Our god can beat up the AAP's god, so we are obviously right.

AAP Press Release
Given our confidence in the abilities of FSM, the AAP wishes to challenge the Rhino Party to a three stage ccontest between our respective deities.

Part 1: A Rock, Paper, Scissors contest (Best of 3)
Part 2: A McDonalds^TM maths challenge thing - fastest correct answer wins.
Part 3: A 'Funny Word Challenge' whereby each deity submits 3 words which will then be compared to see who has come up with the funniest words.

The AAP has such great confidence in FSM that it in fact invites all the other parties to submit candidates to be beaten in these challenges.

The AAEVP would be happy to provide a raft of adorable sea otters to serve as judges of the competition, provided that they were given appropriate amounts of abalone for nourishment.

[CultureKing]

Canadian Heritage Party Press Release:

In light of the AAP and RP blatent mocking of religion and all that is held sacred on earth according to god above the CHP would like to reiterate the fact that we are a party that not only holds religion and morals seriously but also holds the idea that elections should not be made into laughing stalks, but rather that elections should be a national forum on how to best move forward and promote benificial ideas for Canada and the world under god. God Bless Canada!

[Gabu]

Rhino Party Press Release

The Rhino Party would like to note that it came up with the idea of laughing stalks first, believing that laughter always makes food taste better.  It condemns the CHP's aversion to such things and believes that we need more laughing stalks, so maybe kids will finally eat their veggies.

[CultureKing]

Rhino Party Press Release

The Rhino Party would like to note that it came up with the idea of laughing stalks first, believing that laughter always makes food taste better.  It condemns the CHP's aversion to such things and believes that we need more laughing stalks, so maybe kids will finally eat their veggies.

The Canadian Heritage Party would like to remind voters to think of the preceeding statement by the Rhino Party when they go to the polls, as this statement accurately shows the RP's failure to behave appropriately during an election. The CHP would also like to remind voters the the CHP has and always will stand for honest, appropriate and moral politics. God Bless Canada!

[Hash]

ALL PLAYERS TAKE NOTE-

-If you do not post ANYTHING related to the campaign within a period of 7 (seven) consecutive days, your party will be dropped from the race. You may only re-enter if you promise to play very actively.

-While I commend Jas and Gabu for their active gameplay, this game should not become a spoof or comedy show back-and-forth between two parties.

-A first major party debate will be held this week. Dates will be announced in advance.

-I will start conducting newspaper interviews with numerous party leaders also this week.

-A first minor party debate will be held this week. Dates will be announced in advance.

-If you have any concerns or comments please IM me on MSN or drop me a PM.

-The sign-in thread may now be used as a general OOC thread.

[Hash]

Questions for NDP leader Pierre Ducasse from a random newspaper.

1. Sir, you're the NDP's first francophone leader I think? Why did the NDP choose a Quebecois when Quebec is your party's "worst province".

2. The Liberals have taken a steer to the left in this election. Your comments on that?

3. You say your party puts the environment first. Why should we trust the NDP instead of the Greens or any other party?

4. What is your plan on global warming and climate change?

5. Your party is high in polls, even in Quebec. But do you think this boost is temporary and is a bubble about to pop?

6. What is your platform on reforming the electoral system and the Senate?

7. How would you explain the NDP surge in polls?

8. Any last words, comments, questions?

[Hatman 🍁]

Questions for NDP leader Pierre Ducasse from a random newspaper.

1. Sir, you're the NDP's first francophone leader I think? Why did the NDP choose a Quebecois when Quebec is your party's "worst province".

I think the NDP chose me, because the NDP wants to be more than Canada's third party. We are ready to form a government, and a party can't gain this by never having had a francophone leader. Quebec may have been historically our worst province, but it is also the most socially progressive province. A francophone leader I think is best to tap into Quebec, and I think we have a tremendous opportunity to make gains as a result

2. The Liberals have taken a steer to the left in this election. Your comments on that?

Well, it comes as no surprise that the Liberals are campaigning on the left. They always campaign on the left and govern on the right. I think the Liberals are scared and are trying to go even further to the left to steal our votes. The polls show though this has been a tremendous mistake.

3. You say your party puts the environment first. Why should we trust the NDP instead of the Greens or any other party?

The NDP's environmental platform is the best platform to really help the environment. The Green's plan to make corporations responsible for deciding how they restrict emissions will never help. Large corporations tend to run things for profit, and will avoid environmental regulations unless there are actual rules to stop them. Only an NDP government can make effective rules to help the environment.

4. What is your plan on global warming and climate change?

The NDP is committed to following the recommendations in the Kyoto Accord. However, that would not be enough to make a large enough dint in climate change. The NDP wants to diversify our energy producers, by closing down coal plants and opening up more windmill farms. We will also encourage Canadians to "go solar" by installing solar panels on their houses so they are not depending on non renewable energy sources

5. Your party is high in polls, even in Quebec. But do you think this boost is temporary and is a bubble about to pop?

If the Liberals continue their ways, they will continue to alienate Canadians and especially Quebeckers. The Conservatives innaction in this campaign will also alienate voters. Canadians then have the choice between a real alternative in the NDP, the "eco capitalist" Green Party or a bunch of silly fringe parties. That is why our bubble is unlikely to pop.

6. What is your platform on reforming the electoral system and the Senate?

The NDP has changed its platform in regards to the Senate for this election. We have long been a supporter of electoral reform. If elected, we will work with the other parties in ensuring that the Senate becomes a tripple "e" Senate; elected, effective, and equal. We plan on basing our model on the Australian system, where the Senate will be proportional to the number of votes received. Our proposal in the House of Commons is to have members elected using Instant Runoff Voting, allowing Canadians to rank their candidates on the ballot.

7. How would you explain the NDP surge in polls?

I've already answered this in question 5

8. Any last words, comments, questions?

Thank you for this opportunity

[Hash]

Questions for the Conservative Party from a random user-based questions internet site

1. The Conservatives are leading a very inactive campaign and cannot gain much points. Why is this?

2. What is your party's view on the environment?

3. What is your party's view on this left vs. left fight between the Liberals and NDP?

4. What is your view on Quebec nationalism and secession?

5. Why should we trust the Conservatives to form a trustworthy, responsible government?

6. What is your view on immigration?

7. What is your view on government and Senate reform?

8. What should our relations with the US be like? Should we intervene in Iraq?

[bullmoose88]

Arage on the Liberal Party's Shift Leftward

"Today I speak to the Liberal Party voters who, over the last decade, picked the liberals over a conservative based party. I understand why you chose to do so. Perhaps you thought the liberals were good at  honest governance. They are not anymore. They epitomize everything that is wrong about our political system.

Perhaps you chose them because they best reflected the center of Canadian politics. Each and every day, we see proof that this is no longer the case. The Prime Minister seems to intent on out-NDPing the NDP. I ask that you take another look at the Conservative Party and its big tent. I believe you will find a home here.