Canadian Federal Election: PLAY!

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Absolutely Absurd Party Press Release

The AAP would like to praise the inclusion of the Green Party into the debates as this is clearly an absurd decision. The AAP hope that this tide of absurdity will continue throughout the campaign and result in a general state of sillyness.

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Absolutley Absurd Party Press Release
The AAP is proud to announce a number of very special candidates whom we shall be fielding in the upcoming elections. These people clearly embody the core priciple of the AAP, i.e. absurdity.

First up, in the riding of Fundy Royal, New Brunswick, we've got one of the most fundy royals in the business - King Mswati III of Swaziland.

King Mswati rules by absolute decree, a policy we hope to extend to the people of the riding of Fundy Royal when they elect him as their next MP. King Mswati will also be importing from his native kingdom such policies as not being allowed to point at the King's hut on penalty of a fine of one cow. The AAP, shall endeavour to pass laws, banning pointing entirely and will implement a suitable livestock penalty system when in power.

Our second announcement, is the candidateship in Oxford, Ontario of Mr. Boris Johnson.

Boris is a good friend of the AAP and has been promoting absurdity for many years. Though his Canadian profile may be low, we are sure that over the course of the campaign, the natives of Oxford, Ontario shall come to adore him as much as his constituents in Oxford, England. When we approached Boris and asked him whether there was any reason he wouldn't run for us, he replied, "There may be a reason I can't think of but the problem with that reason is that I can't think of it now". So, that was good enough for us.

Our final constituency announcemnt today is for Langley, British Columbia. We knew we'd have to field someone special to do a Mission Impossible in Langley - and I think we've got out man.

Tom Cruise, of course, isn't an absurd character at all unfortunately - perfectly sane, no hint of any weirdness about him. Nonetheless, we in the AAP are firm believers in the triumph of hope over expectation and we certainly hope that Mr. Cruise's absurd side will come out over the course of the campaign. The decision of Mr. Cruise to join our campaign is in no way related to the fact that we in the AAP now favour establishing scientology as the official religion of Canada - we did that purely because we're sure it's a vote winner.

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AAP Policy Announcement
The AAP is proud to announce that when in government all major cabinet decisions will be taken on the outcome of games of Rock, Paper, Scissors. The AAP is convinced this is the sanest and most fair decision making process possible. This represents a significant policy shift away from the use of Magic 8 balls - which proved no longer tenable following the regretable incidents at the AAP Convention last year.

AAP Press Release
The AAP wishes to rebut, in the strongest possible terms, the ridiculous submission of the so called Rhino Party that "Kumquat" is a funny word. We find it to be no better that mildly interesting and kindly request that the Rhino Party leadership withdraw their previous statement.

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AAP Press Release
Response to the Rhino Party

To whom it may concern,
The issue of the 'funnyness' of the word 'Kumquat' was referered to our Humour Oversight and Measurement Steering Committee, headed by this guy -


He plotted the funnyness of the word 'Kumquat' graphically in the following form


Self-evidently, it's not very funny at all. Frankly, that was good enough for us, and I'm sure the people of Canada will agree.

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The AAEVP condemns the use of the highly endangered flying spaghetti monster in your campaign materials!  As this is your second warning about animal use, you may be given a time out the next time you use one in any of your advertisements.  Thank you for your cooperation.

AAP Press Release
The AAP is disappointed by these harsh criticisms. FSM's esteemed position within the AAP is a prized and respected one. We would have hoped that we would be praised by organisations such as the AAEVP for promoting endangered species into positions of seniority and influence.

Clearly the AAEVP wishes to continue to trample upon the rights of endangered species and so the AAP calls on their supporters to seriously consider backing a party, like the AAP, which recognises and promotes talent regardless of trivial matters such as the species of the individual.

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Rhino Party Press Release
Our god can beat up the AAP's god, so we are obviously right.

AAP Press Release
Given our confidence in the abilities of FSM, the AAP wishes to challenge the Rhino Party to a three stage ccontest between our respective deities.

Part 1: A Rock, Paper, Scissors contest (Best of 3)
Part 2: A McDonalds^TM maths challenge thing - fastest correct answer wins.
Part 3: A 'Funny Word Challenge' whereby each deity submits 3 words which will then be compared to see who has come up with the funniest words.

The AAP has such great confidence in FSM that it in fact invites all the other parties to submit candidates to be beaten in these challenges.

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AAP Press Release
Further Candidate Announcements

The AAP is proud to announce two more heavyweights to join our line up, both to run in that most absurd of places - Prince Edward Island.

Our new Environment spokesman and candidate for Malpeque, PEI is Flying Spaghetti Monster.


FSM has kindly taken time our from typical deistic business in managing the universe to join the AAP and run for a seat in the Canadian House of Commons from an obscure backwater constituency.

FSM’s environmental credentials are, of course, unimpeachable being the creator of all things. FSM has also been closely involved in the climate change debate and has influenced AAP policy. FSM’s promotion of the evidence of correlation between global temperature increases and pirate number decreases is well known.


AAP policy on tackin climate change is thus now focused on increasing the number of Canadian pirates. To achieve this aim, the famous Canadian navy and all Canadian registered or owned vessels will now be re-designated as pirate ships. All ship captains will now be required to wear eye-patches and keep a parrot onboard. Penalty for failure to meet these standards shall be walking the plank.

Our second candidate announcement is the AAP’s new spokesman on Culture. For the riding of Egmont, PEI, the AAP candidate shall be Saparmurat Niyazov.

Yes, Turkmenbashy himself shall be running for the AAP. Indeed, following his immensely successfully absurd leadership of Turkmenistan, the AAP will be importing a number of his fabulous policies. These include: the building of an ice castle – which shall be used as the new parliament buildings; the construction of statues and painting of giant murals celebrating AAP leaders; and finally in the field of health policy - the youth of Canada will be encouraged to chew on bones to preserve their teeth rather than performing other medical treatments.

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AAP Press Release
New Policy Announcment

The AAP is committed to dealing with the issues that matter. In that spirit, we are now proud to commit ourselves during the lifetime of the next government to aggresively pursue an increase in the use of semi-colons [ and elipses [...]. These forms of punctuation are being cruelly overlooked and are increasingly maligned. The AAP hereby commits to a 4.2% (yes - 4.2%) increase in the use of semi-colons and a 7.9% () increase in the use of elipses.

We challenge the other parties to commit to these benchmarks for the good of our common punctuation.

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AAP Press Release
Demise of the Bloc Québécois

The AAP is disgruntled at the demise of our sister party, the Bloc Québécois. It was because of the Bloc's participation in Quebec elections, that the AAP decided originally that Quebec was "absurd enough". In light of the Bloc's collapse, the AAP wishes to announce that it will now seek to compete in a number of Quebec ridings. The AAP are proud to announce that we are offering all the Bloc's selected candidates in Quebec the opportunity to now run as official AAP candidates. Further announcements on this will follow shortly.

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AAP Press Release
Quebec Candidates

The AAP is proud to announce that almost to a man, the Bloc's candidates have decided to run under our banner - given that both our parties are ideologically absurd. There are however two exceptions.

In the riding of Beauce, Patrice Moore declined our invitation. To fill in the gap, we've plumped for Sir Patrick Alfred Caldwell-Moore, CBE, HonFRS, FRAS a.k.a. Sir Patrick Moore.


The respected astronomer and world's longest running TV presenter may not be a familiar face to ordinary Canadians now, but by the campaign end, we're sure he'll be a household name.

In 1976, as an April Fool's joke on BBC Radio 2, Moore announced that at 9.47 am a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur: Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would reduce the Earth's own gravity. Moore informed listeners that if they could jump at the exact moment that this event occurred, they would experience a temporary floating sensation. The BBC later received hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation.

This is the kind of man we're sure the Canadian people want. Monocle-wearing, xylophonist, practical jokers are thin on the ground in the Canadian House of Commons, but the AAP is about to change that!

Secondly, in the riding of LaSalle—Émard, Mary Chiu decided also to opt-out. So to run against Paul martin (whoever he is...), we've decided to run Chris Martin.


As the lead singer of Coldplay, Chris should have an amount of name recognition to help out in the campaign. Chris's qualifications to run for the AAP are his love of pop band "a-ha"; that was voted as one of PETA's two 2005 "World's Sexiest Vegetarians; and that he had the gumption to name his first child 'Apple'.

We have no doubt he'll make a fine MP also.

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AAP Press Release
Quebec

Pffft!!! We in the AAP are not amused by the recent developments regarding the Bloc. In light of the recent absurd developments, Mssrs. Moore and Martin shall continue to stand as AAP candidates in their respective ridings.

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AAP Press Release
Whilest the AAP held back on congratulations regarding the suspended animation machine, this repeat test has proved its effectiveness to we former sceptics completely.

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Bump, anyone interested in starting off where we left off?

Players as of then:

Liberal - Al
Conservative - bullmoose88
NDP - EarlAW
Bloc Quebecois - Cultureking
Green - Colin Wixted
Rhino - SoFA Gabu
First Peoples National - Lewis
Animal Alliance Environment Voters - ilikeverin
Absolutely Absurd - Jas

I thought all of the other parties gave up when they realised that the AAP was set to win by landslide.