Canadian Federal Election: PLAY!

[ilikeverin]

Who is Randia Jones?
Randia Jones was born on January 5, 1965, in the town of Double Springs, Alabama, to Ezekiel and Letitia Jones.  She was the 5th of 12 children, and took her responsibilities as 5th child to heart, teaching her younger siblings the art of the accordion.  She's a descendant of the notable perennial Socialist candidate for President, Randy Jones.

However, Randia soon stood out from the rest of her siblings with her boisterous, dangerous attitude.  For instance, upon spotting a small chipmunk eating some of the lettuce that had been growing in the Jones's fields, instead of shooting it like any good 'ol decent Jones folk, she adopted it and named it "Sunbeam", keeping it for 5 years until it was run over by the Jones family pontoon boat.  She also developed the annoying habit of forcing anyone around her to call her "Moonshine Starflower" instead of her proper name.  Still, she was mostly an obedient girl, and distinguished herself every year in the annual Jones Family Reunion, where she would always win the Varmint Identification contest.

However, when, one day at the dinner table, she came out with the shocking revelation that she "might possibly maybe support abortion if the fetus is trying to consume its mother's uterus?", her family disowned her "except for family occasions and the family reunion and such".  Lost and dispirited, she eventually made her way to UC Berkeley, where she finally found her niche.  She immediately enrolled, and graduated Magna Cum Laude in the class of 1987, with a double major in Varmint Studies and Principal-ness.  Feeling unsatisfied with her life in the United States, however, she decided to move to Canada.  After throwing a dart at a map of Canada, she decided that Chibougamau, Quebec was the place to be (the dart had landed in the Hudson Bay, but she decided job opportunities were not very good underwater), so she moved there and took up the family profession as high school principal.

It was in Chibougamau that she met her future husband, Adrien Alphonse Édouard Marc Jean-Baptiste Guillaume Simon Jean-Claude Gagnon, who also happened to be her French teacher.  Randia soon fell hopelessly in love with this dashing Frenchman (she could not tell his Quebecois accent apart from a Parisian one), and they went off to get married in the summer of 1989... never mind that he was Catholic and she was Southern Baptist!  They have a very happy marriage, and have had 8 children together: Randy A., Randia, Randy P., Randé, Excité, Jean-Claude-Auguste-Claude-Guillaume, Marie-Thérèse-Charlotte, and Randy X. Gagnon-Jones.

Continued tomorrow...

[ilikeverin]

Who is Randia Jones?
Randia Jones was born on January 5, 1965, in the town of Double Springs, Alabama, to Ezekiel and Letitia Jones.  She was the 5th of 12 children, and took her responsibilities as 5th child to heart, teaching her younger siblings the art of the accordion.  She's a descendant of the notable perennial Socialist candidate for President, Randy Jones.

However, Randia soon stood out from the rest of her siblings with her boisterous, dangerous attitude.  For instance, upon spotting a small chipmunk eating some of the lettuce that had been growing in the Jones's fields, instead of shooting it like any good 'ol decent Jones folk, she adopted it and named it "Sunbeam", keeping it for 5 years until it was run over by the Jones family pontoon boat.  She also developed the annoying habit of forcing anyone around her to call her "Moonshine Starflower" instead of her proper name.  Still, she was mostly an obedient girl, and distinguished herself every year in the annual Jones Family Reunion, where she would always win the Varmint Identification contest.

However, when, one day at the dinner table, she came out with the shocking revelation that she "might possibly maybe support abortion if the fetus is trying to consume its mother's uterus?", her family disowned her "except for family occasions and the family reunion and such".  Lost and dispirited, she eventually made her way to UC Berkeley, where she finally found her niche.  She immediately enrolled, and graduated Magna Cum Laude in the class of 1987, with a double major in Varmint Studies and Principal-ness.  Feeling unsatisfied with her life in the United States, however, she decided to move to Canada.  After throwing a dart at a map of Canada, she decided that Chibougamau, Quebec was the place to be (the dart had landed in the Hudson Bay, but she decided job opportunities were not very good underwater), so she moved there and took up the family profession as high school principal.

It was in Chibougamau that she met her future husband, Adrien Alphonse Édouard Marc Jean-Baptiste Guillaume Simon Jean-Claude Gagnon, who also happened to be her French teacher.  Randia soon fell hopelessly in love with this dashing Frenchman (she could not tell his Quebecois accent apart from a Parisian one), and they went off to get married in the summer of 1989... never mind that he was Catholic and she was Southern Baptist!  They have a very happy marriage, and have had 8 children together: Randy A., Randia, Randy P., Randé, Excité, Jean-Claude-Auguste-Claude-Guillaume, Marie-Thérèse-Charlotte, and Randy X. Gagnon-Jones.

Continued tomorrow...

We're terribly sorry, but apparently our typist got momentarily districted and typed "tomorrow" when he really of course meant "Friday".  Anyway, where were we?


Besides the 8 children born to the couple, the Gagnon-Joneses have adopted 5 children: Enguerrand and Suzette (fraternal twins, adopted domestically in 1990), Rabih (from Chad, 1992), Will (a second cousin, once-removed of Randia who was orphaned in a terrible spatula accident, 1999), and Thuy Hoa (from Vietnam, 2004).  This has created a very busy household, but all the members of the family are held accountable for their actions.  Suzette Gagnon-Jones came out to her family as a lesbian in 2005.  She now lives in Montreal with her partner Jeanne Leduc, who is the AAEVP candidate for the riding of Papineau.  All of her children have been raised in a type of religion Randia describes as "Roman Baptist".

She also has 23 cats, 17 dogs, 42 fish, 27 budgies, 9 alpacas, 4 goats, 12 chickens, and 2 emus, who she cares for like children.  The animal control officials who she invites to regularly inspect her household can testify that all the animals are well-treated.

Besides raising her children and being a school principal, Randia has been active in her community.  She founded the local chapter of Amnesty International (Amnistie internationale), and is also very active in the local PETA.  She was arrested in July of 1997 along with a group of very vocal animal rights supporters on the steps of the provincial capital, though she was released the next day upon photo evidence being developed proving her protests were completely nonviolent and nondestructive.  This got her "massive street cred" within her school and local liberal community.

However, fate intervened in her life as it had her great-great-grandfather's.  One day, while strolling around the halls of her high school, she happened upon a report a student had written about the AAEVP for a civics class.  The report immediately changed her view of politics.  Finally there was a party that had the true interests of Canada in its heart!  She convinced everyone of voting age in her family (at the time, herself, Adrien, Suzette and Jeanne, and Enguerrand) to register as a member of the AAEVP, and in a very dirty leadership battle she overcame the odds to win a tight leadership contest over the incumbent 5-1, with 100% of AAEVP party members voting.

Randia now looks excitedly towards a future full of promise and joy for Canada.  And animals.  Lots, and lots, of furry animals.

[ilikeverin]

The AAEVP condemns the use of the highly endangered flying spaghetti monster in your campaign materials!  As this is your second warning about animal use, you may be given a time out the next time you use one in any of your advertisements.  Thank you for your cooperation.

[ilikeverin]

Rhino Party Press Release
Our god can beat up the AAP's god, so we are obviously right.

AAP Press Release
Given our confidence in the abilities of FSM, the AAP wishes to challenge the Rhino Party to a three stage ccontest between our respective deities.

Part 1: A Rock, Paper, Scissors contest (Best of 3)
Part 2: A McDonalds^TM maths challenge thing - fastest correct answer wins.
Part 3: A 'Funny Word Challenge' whereby each deity submits 3 words which will then be compared to see who has come up with the funniest words.

The AAP has such great confidence in FSM that it in fact invites all the other parties to submit candidates to be beaten in these challenges.

The AAEVP would be happy to provide a raft of adorable sea otters to serve as judges of the competition, provided that they were given appropriate amounts of abalone for nourishment.

[ilikeverin]

AAEVP Press Release
Randia Jones officially kicked off her Canadian tour today in Marystown, Newfoundland [and Labrador], the hometown of the AAEVP's only candidate in Newfoundland and Labrador, Martin Conway.  There she gave a speech about her plans for sensible fishing in the Atlantic provinces.  "Though I realize fishing plays an important role in the Atlantic provinces," she said, "I can't help but wonder whether any real fisherman would like it if EVERY FISH IN THE AREA DIED OF OVERFISHING!!!!!!!"  Her words were apparently quite effective.  Harold Murdoch, a sweet old coot from Marystown, seemed to be swayed to her side.  "Oh, aye, I works at de local shipbuilding yard, yes," he said, nodding, "but I tink that Randia has a point when she says dat our livelihoods will crumble before us at the rate things are going in the fishing industry.  I likes her proposal to phase it out in favor of better high tech businesses, too.  Plus, she says it all in dat delightful Soudern American accent!"  He then proceeded to nod again and putter off, muttering about "Soudern dames" and the like.