Canadian Federal Election: PLAY!

[Gabu]

Text of a speech from Cornelius the Second's spokesman, Lucas Longley

Victoria, BC-

Thank you.  Thank you all.  I'm sure you would have all preferred to see Cornelius the Second in the flesh, but alas, it was feeding time, so I will have to do.

[Laughter.]

I'm here to talk to you about a serious matter.  A very, very serious matter with dire consequences indeed.  I'm sure you all know what that is.  Yes, I can barely even think about it without feeling frightened.  That matter is, of course, pencils.

[Laughter.]

I know, it's shocking just to hear it, isn't it?  But it's true.  Every day, millions upon millions of children have to go to school and bear with these godawful contraptions - I mean, really, either you buy those stupid yellow ones and then have it get dull after writing like two sentences, or you buy those mechanical ones and then have to keep filling them up.  No, I say to you today, Canada, that is not good enough.

[Laughter and applause.]

If I am your prime minister, no more, I say: no more.  Haven't you ever seen what happens when you get cut?  Your body fixes itself!  Now let's put two and two together.  Your body: carbon-based.  Pencil lead: carbon-based.  Any idiot can see that the two situations are perfectly identical, and let me tell you: I, ladies and gentlemen, am quite confident of my status as an idiot.

[Laughter.]

If elected prime minister, I will immediately get all of our top smart people together upon my election and will immediately set them on the course to make self-sharpening pencils, solving this dire, dire problem once and for all.  I mean, come on: carbon-based things can become bigger, so surely they can get smaller, too.

Remember, folks: a vote for us is a vote for a sharp future indeed.

[Applause.]

And, hey, let's face it - it's not as if government is doing anything else of note.

[Laughter and applause.]

Thank you!

[Gabu]

Brief statement from the Rhino Party HQ

"Kumquat" is a funny word.

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Rhino Party Press Release

The Rhino Party would like to reiterate the fact that "kumquat" is, indeed, a funny word, and would like to challenge the AAP to prove them otherwise, because the Rhino Party strongly believes that it is simply as self-evident as the fact that all men are born equal or the fact that Stockwell Day still hasn't changed his first name to "Doris".

[Gabu]

Rhino Party statement of policy

The Rhino Party announced today that all major cabinet decisions will be decided by giving candidates for each position ten of those skill testing math questions that you get at McDonald's whenever you win something in a contest.  We will then give the position to whomever gets the highest number of them correct.  We believe that this is infinitely superior to the AAP's announced method, as it requires each candidate to show a mental capacity substantially above and beyond what is normally expected of a politician.

[Gabu]

Rhino Party Press Release

The Rhino Party's resident deity is this guy:



Our god can beat up the AAP's god, so we are obviously right.

[Gabu]

Rhino Party Press Release

Having complete faith in the almighty Cthulhu, the Rhino Party respectfully requests that the AAP bring it on.

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Rhino Party Press Release

The Rhino Party would like to note that it came up with the idea of laughing stalks first, believing that laughter always makes food taste better.  It condemns the CHP's aversion to such things and believes that we need more laughing stalks, so maybe kids will finally eat their veggies.

[Gabu]

Excerpt from a speech by Lucas Longley

Plateau Mont-Royal, Montréal, Québec-

(translated from the original French)

I'd like to say a few words in light of the Bloc Québécois dropping out.  I know that separatism runs high in Québec and I know that you're probably going to get visits from the other guys telling you all about how they'll do this and that for you.  But we all know that's just talk.  You want the real thing.  And what's better than real separation?

It's simple, really.  We take all of the cities and stuff and move them all to the center of Québec to form a huge megacity.  Then we cut around its edges and airlift it away and drop it in the Atlantic Ocean.  Then you can name it Île de Foquer le Canada and finally be happy.  Unless it sinks.  Or happens to float back towards Newfoundland, which quite frankly is probably worse.

We'll work on that.

[Gabu]

My previous press release still stands, only without the mention of the Bloc dropping out.

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Brief statement from the Rhino Party

We would like to wish Ludolf AJW Sloet van de Beele a very happy birthday.

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Rhino Party Press Release

The Rhino Party would like to congratulate Canada on its first successful test-fire of its suspended animation machine.