US Political junkies have a sense of humor too!! :-)

[Demrepdan]

I tried to find more articles on Al Sharpton hosting SNL, and as far as I can tell, he DID indeed host the show. However, the show did not air where I live, as it didn't with many other NBC affiliates all over the country. So instead, they showed a "Best of Steve Martin" re-run.  I only found one article on this, and it wasn't very trust-worthy. So the question still remains, DID Al Sharpton host last night? Does anyone know? If he did, I guess the station that carries it here, didn't show it.

[Bleeding heart conservative, HTMLdon]

WMC in Memphis showed the Steve Martin show... but I'm seeing Sharpton clips on the news networks.  Did anyone's affiliate carry the Sharpton episode?

The Equal time thing does make sense though... I'd be fine with Sharpton hosting but at a time when he was not running for President -- unless all of the candidates were given the opportunity to host.  I do think it would be great if all of the candidates hosted SNL

[Demrepdan]

If President Bush were to host SNL sometime next year, I swear I'd vote for him.

Of course my vote would depend greatly on how funny he was.

Because lets face it....President Bush is not a funny man.

[Demrepdan]

Late Night Humor:

"Al Gore skipped over his buddy Joe Lieberman and decided to endorse Howard Dean for the presidency. This is a great fit because Dean is a doctor and Gore is a corpse."  —Jay Leno

"General Wesley Clark commented on Gore endorsing Howard Dean. He said endorsements don't win elections. Hey, in this country, votes don't even win elections." —Jay Leno

"Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't beat Bush." —David Letterman

"When Joe Lieberman found out about Al Gore endorsing Howard Dean he said 'Oh thank you Jesus!'" —David Letterman

"Earlier today, Howard Dean picked up the endorsement of Al Gore. But it's still a dead heat because Joe Lieberman picked up the endorsement of a coat rack." —Craig Kilborn

"In an interview with Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, who is running for president, said that when he voted for the war in Iraq, he didn't expect President Bush to 'f--- it up as badly as he did.' Here's some breaking news, tomorrow former Vice President Al Gore expected to endorse Howard Dean as the Democratic nominee for president of the United States — and you thought John Kerry was using four letter words before! Actually, to John Kerry, Dean is a four letter word." —Jay Leno

"They had a big blizzard down in Washington D.C. It was bad, so bad that President Bush had to cancel six fund-raisers." —David Letterman

"President Bush said today he would like America to establish a permanent base on the moon. This is all part of his plan to get Americans used to an environment where the air is un-breathable and there are no trees." —Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton is criticizing President Bush saying that his plan to reduce the number of troops in Iraq is simply a PR move to designed to boost his 2004 re-election bid. However, the president denied this and said 'That's what my crazy moon plan is for.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"The New York Times says a lot of people in Iraq are afraid Saddam Hussein could come back. Come back? He never left, he's still there!" —Jay Leno

[CHRISTOPHER MICHAE]

If President Bush were to host SNL sometime next year, I swear I'd vote for him.

Of course my vote would depend greatly on how funny he was.

Because lets face it....President Bush is not a funny man.

Oh, please, Bush is funny most of the time. Have you heard any of his speeches? So, I guess he's given you 3 good years of laughter thus far. So, vote with much laughter! Bush has earned your vote!

[Demrepdan]

Oh, please, Bush is funny most of the time. Have you heard any of his speeches? So, I guess he's given you 3 good years of laughter thus far. So, vote with much laughter! Bush has earned your vote!

lol. Perhaps your brand of humor differs from mine. Yes I've heard his speeches. They are DRY STUPID jokes. Furthermore, they are written by SOMEONE ELSE! Have you ever heard him make a joke just on his feet? Like when he was speaking before the Australian Parliment, and they starting to jeer him. He said, "I love free speech!..heh heh....heh heh..heh...heh."

OH HA HA HA HA!! THAT'S F**KING HILARIOUS! BUSH IS A COMEDIC GENIUS!!!

Ok, I'll admit, OCASSIONALLY, he can be funny. But when he is, it surprises the hell out of me. Bush is a dull man, and not funny. Therefore, he has NOT, earned my vote. And I wouldn't be "voting with much laughter" would I?

[WONK]

No politicians are funny (except Arnold, but thats an accent thing).  I have to admit, however, Bush is frequently unintentionally funny.  Nucular and Terra come to mind.  BTW, I don't think the "I like free speech" in front of the hecklers at Australian parliament was meant to be funny.  However, if you look at the comment in light of the daily, baseless charges that Bush is the next coming of the leader from 1984, I found it a timely and funny comment.  

[Demrepdan]

That is true that virtually no politician is always funny, however some are more humorous than others. I liked Clinton's quick witted remarks, especially near the end of his Presidency, when he just didn't care anymore.
Al Sharpton is also a comic relief at the Democratic Presidential debates.  

I bought a book written by Bob Dole, about Presidential wit, and Lincoln was by FAR funniest President.

[Ryan]

written by BOB DOLE???

[Ryan]

From the December 9 Late Show with David Letterman, the
"Top Ten Reasons Al Gore Has Endorsed Howard Dean." Late Show
Web
site: http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/

10. Thought Dean would give the most dynamic concession
speech

9. Howard Dean reminds him of Jimmy Dean who makes them
breakfast sausages

8. Only way to counteract freight-train success of Kucinich
campaign

7. His support could get Dean popular vote, for what that's
worth

6. Judgment clouded by Melana not selecting Adam on
"Average Joe"

5. Dean promised to totally be his best friend forever

4. Wants Howard Dean to do for America what he did for
Vermont...whatever the hell that was

3. Maybe it was the eleven vodka gimlets

2. The dart hit Dean's name

1. As a doctor, Dean has a legitimate excuse for fondling
interns

[Ryan]

Okay Okay this wont be the funniest thing ever written for most but a coupla (republican) baseball fans might like it

December 10, 2003 |

It's a bleak time of year for this sports fan. The Bowl
Championship
Series has rendered college football meaningless, with the
best team in
the country, University of Southern California, barred from
the national
championship game (although since I'm a UCLA student, this
does bring me
some twisted pleasure). In basketball, my beloved Boston
Celtics are
struggling to break .500, and the hated Lakers are
dominating the
league, with their combination of muscle, skill and
adulterous
experience. Hockey is boring -- I live in California, where
half the
population does not know what ice is.

So I dream of baseball season, when my Chicago White Sox
can once again
disappoint me, the Chicago Cubs can once again amuse me,
and the Boston
Red Sox can finally end the Curse of the Bambino. With
thoughts of
baseball running through my mind, the political news takes
on an
entirely different color. So, with respect to Ernest L.
Thayer, I offer
this poetic commentary:

Howard at the Bat

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the leftist nine that day;
The score stood Bush at 54 with but one year to play.
Then when Edwards got 6 percent, and Kerry did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.


A centrist few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to hope which springs eternal in each Democratic
breast;
They thought if only Howard could but get a whack at that
--
They'd ditch all the matching funds now with Howard at the
bat.


But Gephardt preceded Howard, as did also Ol' Wes Clark,
The former was mind-numbing and the latter question-marked;
So upon that far-left multitude grim melancholy sat,
For there seemed but little chance of Howard's getting to
the bat.


But Gephardt dropped in Iowa, to the wonderment of all,
And Clark, indecisive, could not heed the Clintons' call;
And when the dust had lifted, and the left saw what had
occurred,
There was Wesley beyond repair and Dickie in deep merde.


Then from Al Gore and his cronies there rose a lusty cry;
It rumbled throughout Harlem, it rattled in N.Y.;
It frightened Mrs. Clinton, and it knocked McAuliffe flat;
For Howard, mighty Howard, was advancing to the bat.


There was ease in Howard's manner as he stepped into his
place;
There was pride in Howard's bearing, a stiff smile on
Howard's face.
And when, responding to the cheers, he said Bush was a rat,
No leftist in the crowd could doubt 'twas Howard at the
bat.


Ten thousand eyes were on him in the Democrat debate;
Five thousand tongues applauded when about Iraq he'd prate.
Then while President Bush ground the ball into his hip,
Defiance gleamed in Howard's eye, a sneer curled Howard's
lip.


And now the pro-defense public came hurtling through the
air,
And Howard stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there.
Close by the sturdy batsman the crowd unheeded sped --
"That ain't my style," said Howard. "Strike one," the
umpire said.


From the benches stuffed with Franken fans, there rose a
muffled roar,
Like cries of "No more war for oil" from Washington press
corps.
"Kill him! Kill the umpire!" shouted peaceniks on the
stand;
And it's likely they'd have killed him had not Howard
raised his hand.


With a smile of metrosexuality Howard's visage shone;
He redid his Revlon makeup and then bade the game go on;
He signaled to the pitcher, and the pro-marriage crowd
flew;
But Howard still ignored it, and the umpire said, "Strike
two."


"Fraud!" cried the maddened thousands, and echo answered
fraud;
But one scornful look from Howard and the audience was
awed.
They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his
forehead strain,
And they knew that Howard couldn't let that crowd go by
again.


The sneer is gone from Howard's lip, his teeth are clenched
in hate;
He pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate.
And now that cowboy holds the crowd, and now Bush lets it
go,
And now the air is shattered by the force of Howard's blow.


Oh, somewhere in this leftist land the sun is shining
bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and in Europe hearts are
light,
And somewhere gays are laughing, and somewhere appeasers
shout;
But there is no joy in Leftville -- mighty Howard has
struck out.

[Ryan]

Hmm for some reason I'm into sucky top ten lists today

TOP TEN WAY NORTH KOREA COULD LOOK EVEN CRAZIER

10. Have Kim Jong Il upgrade his poofy hair to full afro.

9. Have announcements of threats to America followed with a
song and dance number.

8. Claim we got it all wrong and that they're actually
South Korea.

7. Put squirrels on trial for being America spies.

6. Tie a giant rubber band between two trees and claim they
are now invulnerable to American missiles.

5. To determine their next leader, hold a contest to find
who is most goofy looking; appoint Jimmy Carter as leader.

4. Announce threats to America in perfect Klingon.

3. In speech where Kim Jong Il gets angry at America,
finish the speech by smearing his face with green paint and
pretending he turned into the Hulk.

2. In show of strength, nuke selves.

And the number one way for North Korea to appear even
crazier...

Ally with France and Germany.

[Ryan]

QUESTION: How many members of Uselectionatlas forum:P does it take to change a light bulb?

Answers:

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb
has been
changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and
how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
changing light
bulbs

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
...

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the
proper term is
"lamp"

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different
light bulbs

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post
because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to post privately to other members of the group to ask if
this
makes sense

44 to send the URL to www.snopes.com and ask that the
original poster
check out their resources first

2 to post reasons why the light bulb burning out is the
result of a
government conspiracy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time
ago?"

43 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs"

1 lurker to respond to the original post 6 months later and
start the
whole thing all over again!!!!!!

[Ryan]

The Government Cat

The first was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the
third was a chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. To
show off, The Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your
stuff." T-Square pranced over to a desk, took out some
paper and a pen and drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was a pretty smart cat, but the
Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into
the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided
them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was really good, but the Chemist said
his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
"Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up picked up a 500ml
graduated cylinder, walked over to the fridge, took out a liter
of milk, got a 300 ml glass from the cupboard, measured and
poured exactly 275 ml of milk into the glass without
spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good too. Then the three men
turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat
do?" The Government worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee
Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate
the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, screwed
the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while
doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working
conditions, put in for Workers comp, and went home on sick leave.

[Ryan]

WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO SPEAK ENGLISH?

An officer in the U.S. Naval reserve was attending a
conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the
French navy. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a
small group that included personnel from both navies. The
French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans
learned many languages, Americans learned only English.

He then asked: "Why is it that we have to speak English in
these
conferences rather than you speak French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe
it's because we arranged it so you did not have to speak
German."

The group became silent.



Yes I know most of these posts suck, no I dont have anything better to do and btw why are U still reading em??

[Ryan]

Be of Good Cheer........this is the last one

SUPREME COURT OVERTURNS GORE’S ENDORSEMENT OF DEAN

Transfers Nod to Bush in 5-4 Decision
Just moments after former Vice President Al Gore endorsed
former Vermont Governor Howard Dean for President in Harlem
yesterday, the Supreme Court overturned his endorsement by
a 5-4 margin.

The Court, finding the former Vice President’s endorsement
of Mr. Dean unconstitutional, transferred his endorsement
to President George W. Bush instead.

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice William Rehnquist
said, “There’s really no explanation necessary – we’re the
Supreme Court, and if you don’t like it, you can stick it
where the moon don’t shine.”

While some Democrats howled that the Court was
inappropriately politicizing itself with its controversial decision,
Mr. Gore accepted the ruling, saying, “After four minutes of
partisan wrangling over this matter, it is time for us to
move on.”

Mr. Gore expressed some regret that his endorsement had
been transferred from Mr. Dean to Mr. Bush, but added, “It’ll
be nice to be on the winning side for a change.”

But Mr. Gore’s endorsement could turn out to be a mixed
blessing for the Bush campaign, as a survey of those who heard
Mr. Gore’s Harlem speech showed that 55% felt “drowsy”
while 40% “lost consciousness altogether.”

In other political news, Senator John Kerry (D-Mass)
decided today to reinvent his campaign once more, officially
positioning himself as “the most potty-mouthed candidate ever
to run for President.”

In an interview with Rolling Stone released today, Mr.
Kerry said, “If anyone f---ing says that I’m not f---ick
qualified to be f---ick president, I’m going to f--- them up.”

[Demrepdan]

written by BOB DOLE???

lol. I swear he wrote the book. In fact on the cover it says, Great Presidential Wit (...I wish I Was in the Book) by Bob Dole.

[Demrepdan]

Late Night Humor:

"Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn't even get elected with the most votes?" —David Letterman

"Howard Dean was endorsed by Al Gore. Now, if Dean could get Gray Davis to campaign for him, that would put him over the top." —Jay Leno

"Gore and Dean made the announcement in Harlem. You know, just a couple of home boys hangin', getting down in the hood. Howard Dean and Al Gore in Harlem — doesn't that sound like the plot to one of those Farrelly brothers movies." —Jay Leno

"How many of you saw the big presidential debate? You look at these guys and I can't believe President Bush has to raise $200 million dollars to beat these clowns." —David Letterman

"Earlier today, Colin Powell named James Brown, the hardest working man in show business, Secretary of Soul and Foreign Minister of Funk. And I think this is great, because before the Bush Administration, soul and funk were two different agencies." —David Letterman

[Beet]

Creation Science Fair.

http://objective.jesussave.us/creationsciencefair.html

Cassidy Turnbull (grade 5) presented her uncle, Steve. She also showed photographs of monkeys and invited fairgoers to note the differences between her uncle and the monkeys. She tried to feed her uncle bananas, but he declined to eat them. Cassidy has conclusively shown that her uncle is no monkey.

1st Place: "Life Doesn't Come From Non-Life"
Patricia Lewis (grade did an experiment to see if life can evolve from non-life. Patricia placed all the non-living ingredients of life - carbon (a charcoal briquet), purified water, and assorted minerals (a multi-vitamin) - into a sealed glass jar. The jar was left undisturbed, being exposed only to sunlight, for three weeks. (Patricia also prayed to God not to do anything miraculous during the course of the experiment, so as not to disqualify the findings.) No life evolved. This shows that life cannot come from non-life through natural processes.

2nd Place: "Women Were Designed For Homemaking"
Jonathan Goode (grade 7) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets; biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, making them the natural choice for child rearing; social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay; and exegetics shows that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, not as a co-worker.

Honorable Mention:
"Mousetrap Reduced To Pile Of Functionless Parts" - Kevin Parker (grade 7)
"Dinosaur & Man Walked Together" - Donny Findlay (grade 6)
"Rocks Can't Evolve, Where Did They Come From Mr. Darwin?" - Anna Reed (grade 6)

[Demrepdan]

For any of you Lord of the Rings fans out there...here's something for you.

http://flash.bushrecall.org/

[CHRISTOPHER MICHAE]

For any of you Lord of the Rings fans out there...here's something for you.

http://flash.bushrecall.org/

That was hilarious. It should be on T.V., a bit longer would be nice. Maybe, if you dressed him up like the Scrooge, it would be a nice trick.

[Bleeding heart conservative, HTMLdon]

That (Beet's article, NOT the lord of the rings heresy) is the most hilarious thing I have seen in a long time!!!!   I'd love to think that it is just an elaborate joke... but I have a sinking feeling that it isn't.
My personal favorite is "Pokemon Prove Evolutionism Is False".   I'd like to see that one.

I went to a Christian school growing up where Creationism was the doctrine (but some evolution was taught) -- but if some kid brought in a project claiming that "Women Were Designed For Homemaking".. they probably would have been expelled.

Creation Science Fair.

http://objective.jesussave.us/creationsciencefair.html

Cassidy Turnbull (grade 5) presented her uncle, Steve. She also showed photographs of monkeys and invited fairgoers to note the differences between her uncle and the monkeys. She tried to feed her uncle bananas, but he declined to eat them. Cassidy has conclusively shown that her uncle is no monkey.

1st Place: "Life Doesn't Come From Non-Life"
Patricia Lewis (grade did an experiment to see if life can evolve from non-life. Patricia placed all the non-living ingredients of life - carbon (a charcoal briquet), purified water, and assorted minerals (a multi-vitamin) - into a sealed glass jar. The jar was left undisturbed, being exposed only to sunlight, for three weeks. (Patricia also prayed to God not to do anything miraculous during the course of the experiment, so as not to disqualify the findings.) No life evolved. This shows that life cannot come from non-life through natural processes.

2nd Place: "Women Were Designed For Homemaking"
Jonathan Goode (grade 7) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets; biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, making them the natural choice for child rearing; social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay; and exegetics shows that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, not as a co-worker.

Honorable Mention:
"Mousetrap Reduced To Pile Of Functionless Parts" - Kevin Parker (grade 7)
"Dinosaur & Man Walked Together" - Donny Findlay (grade 6)
"Rocks Can't Evolve, Where Did They Come From Mr. Darwin?" - Anna Reed (grade 6)

[nclib]

Don--

 Yes, Beet's article is quite funny. Sadly enough, many fundamentalist Christians probably don't see it that way.
 In "Women Were Designed For Homemaking", this quote is especially ridiculous:

<<social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers>>

WOMEN workers vs. NORMAL workers???!!!

I guess the religious right does not consider women to be normal people.

That (Beet's article, NOT the lord of the rings heresy) is the most hilarious thing I have seen in a long time!!!!   I'd love to think that it is just an elaborate joke... but I have a sinking feeling that it isn't.
My personal favorite is "Pokemon Prove Evolutionism Is False".   I'd like to see that one.

I went to a Christian school growing up where Creationism was the doctrine (but some evolution was taught) -- but if some kid brought in a project claiming that "Women Were Designed For Homemaking".. they probably would have been expelled.

[Bleeding heart conservative, HTMLdon]

Ok... actually... a friend of mine looked through this thing and actually followed some of the links and this does appear like it could be an elaborate joke.  Most fundy Christians aren't quite THIS bad

[Gustaf]

Ok... actually... a friend of mine looked through this thing and actually followed some of the links and this does appear like it could be an elaborate joke.  Most fundy Christians aren't quite THIS bad

www.landoverbaptist.org

Funny, but can be kind of offensive to christians. VERY elaborate! The funniest thing is the mailbox where people complain about what they write.