Not that new, but I still find this hilarious:
I Got What America Needs Right Here
By Jimmy Carter
January 9, 2008 | Issue 44•02
Sometimes I'm a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I'm wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help me understand one ing thing right now, America, and explain to me what in the Christ is going on here. 'Cause, unless I'm missing something, this country is in the middle of a motherfu
cking s
hitstorm, and I have no fu
cking idea what you're gonna do to get out of it. I mean, are you seriously considering voting for one of these s
hitbags you got here in '08? Fat fu
cking chance.
Way I see it, America needs a president who's gonna somehow un-royally screw up the Middle East, do some serious cleaning up after you dropped your pants and took a steaming dump all over the fu
cking environment, and—boom!—restore dignity, honor, and all that sh
it to these United States.
See, I got solutions to all your problems—I got 'em right here in my big, hairy ballsack.
You better get down on your hands and knees and kiss Jimmy Carter's rosy-red Georgia-peach-picking ass and beg me to run your fu
cking country again, because there's no way I'm ever gonna come to you fu
ck-knobs and politely ask you if I might please be a presidential candidate in your precious fu
ckin' election. So you can just bite my cock. I've had it with you jerkoffs and your jerkoff candidates.
You actually seem to think one a' these assholes is gonna prance in and wave a magic wand and make everything all nice again. Look at you, sitting there like a common fu
cking schnook and eating all their bull about bi-fu
cking-partisanship, and how they have all the goddamn answers. Let me tell you something: These fags are dogsh
it compared to Jimmy fu
cking Carter, all right? I was arbitrating Mideast crises when this bunch was still sucking on their mamas' titties.
But who comes to me, huh? Fu
cking nobody. Why ask old Jimmy anything? What the fu
ck could he know about peace in the Middle East? It's not like he fu
cking won the Nobel Peace Prize for that s
hit. You myopic pricks. Back in '79, I sat Sadat and Begin right down and made those two dicklicks shake hands. It was beautiful—I had all the pieces lined up and I smiled and waved in my best fu
cking suit and tie right there on TV. And what do you do, you pieces of s
hit? You screw the whole goddamn pooch.
Cocksuckers.
Oh, what's that I hear? The weather's all screwy? You got a global warming problem? Boo-fu
cking-hoo! I was telling you morons to turn off your lights and unplug all your sh
it at night to conserve energy in 19-fu
ckin'-75, for chrissake. Gee, I wonder what woulda happened if we'd all switched to solar power like I fu
cking did back when we had a fu
cking chance to do something about it. Think we'd still be sucking Saudi Arabia's dick like a five-dollar whore? I sure as fuc
ck didn't get no fancy Oscar for that little spiel, though, did I? No. But Al Gore, that cum-sucking pig, steals the
shit from me and now he's the greatest thing since Jesus Christ made a fu
cking sandwich.
Well, he can lick my asshole right after George W. Bush, that fu
ck.
You want compassion? Somebody who's looking out for the little guy? Why don't you take a look at Jimmy Carter, 'cause unlike, oh, every motherfu
cking candidate out there, he spent the last fu
cking quarter-century building houses for the homeless. And what does he get for it? A fu
cking hernia. Some fu
cking gratitude, you selfish twats. You talk to me about compassion? I'll shove a crucifix so far up the Democrats' asses they'll be asking me to buy them dinner and kiss them good night.
Funny thing about me: I actually fu
cking know sh
it! Not like these goombas trying to weasel their way into the White House. I practically wrote the book on collapsing bridges, inflation, and the working poor, fu
ck-o. I even got a degree in nuclear engineering or some s
hit. You know how easy I could swoop down right now like a guardian angel and solve all your fu
cking problems? Snap. Bam. Do it in my fu
cking sleep. Just fu
cking try me.
So you want me to run for president again? Yeah, sure, absolutely, I'll do it. I'd be honored to do it—with my fu
cking dick in your mouth, you worthless scumbags.
You had your chance with Jimmy Carter, and you fu
cking blew it. So get fu
cked. Fu
cking country.
http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/i_got_what_america_needs_right