The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie ***FINAL EPISODE***

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 13 "I Do Agree That Sometimes God Speaks Through The Forum"

[We open on Blondie, wandering through an abandoned cityscape.  He's looking around, and he happens upon a handful of black youths, who are soon joined by Mitt Romney.  Romney poses for a picture with the young people, and exclaims....]

Romney: Who let the dogs out?  Who?  Who?

[Here's the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwLMUkkyXPo

Blondie was struck by the question.  Who let the dogs out?  Was Romney referring to him, Blondie?  Suddenly, Blondie saw Romney age rapidly in front of his eyes, and turn into a corpse, kind of like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtcZv89Hspk

Blondie then realized that he too was aging rapidly, and started to grow a gray/white beard, and then.....

Blondie woke up.  The nightmare about Mitt Romney and the fast aging was just a dream.

He was just waking up from a nap.  He had been sleeping in the back of the Bushie family mobile home, which Hog was driving to Salt Lake City.  They had just left Blackwell, Oklahoma that morning, and were currently in Kansas, soon to pass into Colorado.  Blondie was awakened by holo-Bushie....]

J.J.?  What are you doing in here?  We don't have room for a dog in here.

Blondie: Bushie!  You're back.  Why did you leave us for so long?  RickRoll was killed.  Maybe if we'd had you here to guide us, that wouldn't have happened.

Hey, can you please stop attacking me for two seconds?  It's very rude.  I may not be doing things the way you would like me to, but my way works for me, and I shouldn't have to put up with this vitriol.  Now let's go talk to Hog.

[They move to the front of the vehicle to talk to Hog.  After some cursory re-introductions, and apologies from holo-Bushie about having been away for the past day, Bushie begins to explain to both Blondie and Hog the story of the troll territory that they're about to enter in eastern Colorado....]

The trolls began taking over eastern Colorado in 2013, following the Supreme Court gay marriage ruling.  Marylin Musgrave, Focus on the Family, and other social conservative groups in Colorado were furious that the Supreme Court was legalizing gay marriage everywhere (and making it mandatory in Oklahoma).  They started issuing trolling press releases attacking the decision.  Then gay marriage supporters started holding counter-protests, holding signs clearly intended to troll the opponents.

Then later that year, comprehensive immigration reform passed, which included a guest worker program for al Qaeda members, who were flown to Mexico and then marched across the border.  Tom Tancredo started trolling everyone in sight, as some sort of protest.  There was the Supermax prison break in Florence, so more trolling back and forth between the criminal and law-abiding.  Finally, there was a conference held in Denver for former members of the Atlas forum from the state of Indiana.  Don't know why they didn't just hold it in Indiana itself, but the moderation was most likely stricter there.  Anyway, many of those people are trolls, so it just added to the trolling problem.

Did I say "finally"?  I guess I did.  Well, actually, it's not "finally".  The icing on the cake was when the USA figured that they should probably stop trying to dump nuclear waste in Yucca Mountain, since there were too many terrorists there now, and they might try to make a dirty bomb.  So they started dropping it in eastern Colorado, since it was now controlled by trolls, and trolls aren't likely to make a dirty bomb, since they tend not to be very knowledgeable about nuclear physics.

Well, at this point, Atlas moderator Joe Republic decided to do a bit of trolling of his own.  He used the same hacking tricks that he once used to put the picture of a naked black man in Rochambeau's sig, and that he used to hack Keystone Phil's TinyPic account to modify his sig.  I mean, I don't think he was ever much of a fan of dumping nuclear waste in Yucca Mountain to begin with, though I'm not sure.  I think it was just a joke.  But he hacked some computers to give orders to the US Air Force to drop not nuclear waste, but sulfur, iron ore, and bad posts onto eastern Colorado.  That's right.  Colorado is now home to the Institute of Sulfur Mining and Extraction, the Irony Ore Mine, and the Deluge of Absurdity, Ignorance, and Bad Posts from the now defunct Atlas forum.  The trolls there love that stuff.

Hog: OK, OK.  So what are you trying to tell us?  Anything useful?

Well, yes.  I'm getting to the useful part.  You see....WHOA, wait a second!  Look at that snow outside!  Are you sure you want to be driving in this?  You should pull over, and stay in the nearest hotel immediately!

Hog: Yeah, yeah.  I don't like it either.  It's not much, though I don't really like driving in snow, but Nym told us not to stop because it was dangerous here.

Well, OK.  It's your funeral.  I mean, if the Lord is to call you home to His heavenly kingdom, you must be ready.  If He makes you slide on the slick roads, and have your vehicle blow up in a fiery crash with you inside, I guess that's His divine will, but hopefully, He'll judge you kindly when the time comes.  (turns to Blondie) Of course, I'm only speaking of Hog here, J.J.  Since the Bible doesn't say anything about dogs having souls, so you're probably doomed either way.  Though maybe it does, I just don't remember right now.  I'll get back to you on that one.

Anyway, yes, the useful part.  You mentioned it being dangerous here in Islamist-controlled territory.  Well, you'll soon be entering troll territory in Colorado, so that's also pretty dangerous.  I definitely wouldn't stop there.  But there's a gas station you can stop at just before the state line.  It's actually pretty safe.  Good place to stock up before entering Colorado.  The store clerk is an oracle, who the Islamists won't touch, because he gives them guidance regarding what the future might bring.  You should ask him about how your current journey is going to turn out, while you're there.

[Mr. Morden]

Blondie: Wait, wait a minute here Bushie.  What you say doesn't make sense.  A lot of what you've told us only makes a sliver of sense at best, and it seems like you're not telling us everything.  Why do we need this oracle to tell us what's going to happen?  Aren't you in the future?  Don't you already know how our quest is going to end?  Why isn't this road more dangerous?  The moderators at The Mars Bar seemed to think this trek was suicide, because the road was so dangerous, and patrolled by Islamists.  Now, granted, we've only been on the road in Kansas here for about five hours, and I was sleeping for a decent share of that time, but I haven't seen any Islamists, or any sign of anyone, have you Hog?

Hog: Nope.  No signs of life at all out here.

Blondie: You see?  Where are all these Islamists, Bushie?  We saw those Somalis back on the border with Oklahoma, but nothing since then.  What's going on?

And finally, what is the real story behind your helping us?  You're not telling us everything, are you?  Bushie, when we were in Blackwell, I met a kid there who said that when I went missing back in 2013, that led to everyone hating you for having mistreated me.  Hog said the moderators at The Mars Bar told him the same thing.  They said that America was distracted in the media circus, and it helped lead to the Islamists taking over the western United States.  That's what this is about, isn't it?  That tornado sent us forward in time, and so I was "missing" for all those years.  If we find this time machine, then we go back to 2013, I won't ever have been missing, and maybe things will turn out differently with the Islamists?  Maybe none of this will ever have happened?

Wow.  This is unbelievable, really.  I try to help you out here.  I'm doing everything you said you wanted me to do.  So I make one mistake, and disappear for a day, and one member of your party is killed, and you start grilling me with all these questions?  Well, I don't have to take this.  I'm going to go to worship service, then maybe I'll eat some supper, even though it's a bit early.

[Holo-Bushie is about to fade away as he returns to his holo-imaging chamber, but pauses briefly before doing so.]

I mean, when I say I'm going to worship service, don't take that to mean that it's Sunday when I am, just like it is for you.  Forget I said that it's Sunday, or that I mentioned anything about Sunday, or that I admitted that it's early enough in the day for supper, or that it would be too early for supper.

[And with that, holo-Bushie disappears again.

Blondie turns to Hog....]

Blondie: Well, that was weird.  Anyway, anything interesting going on up here?

Hog: Nope, just listening to this "book on tape" of Bushie's "Update" while I drive.

[Hog turns up the volume, and we hear the voice of Benedict Cumberpatch reciting from Update....]

Benedict Cumberpatch voice: Bushie writes "Right, it wouldn't have been officially overtime until Thursday and Friday, but now since the OT was cancelled today, I will one hour of OT between 4:00-5:00 pm Friday because of the hour I worked this morning before they cancelled OT."

WalterMitty writes "am i the only one getting the feeling that bushie is screwing up on this job?

i definitely not trying to be mean...but bushie you seem to be sick a lot."

Hog: I don't get it.  What's so interesting about this kid's troubles?  Nothing he does makes any sense.  What's with all these jobs he takes for just a couple of weeks at a time before quitting?  He just learns useless skills at each one, and then does something completely different the next week.  If he hadn't had his parents bailing him out all the time, he would have ended up like me, a hobo.

Benedict Cumberpatch voice: bullmoose88 writes "Not the only one.  I'm surprised they haven't pink slipped him already."

Blondie: I feel like we're not getting the full picture from him.  I don't know.  Something's not right. 

Hog: Well, you can worry to yourself all you like.  I don't really care.  I just care about getting back to 2013, starting up with the orgies again, and maybe helping to fix my memory, and figuring out how to stop being a hobo.

Benedict Cumberpatch voice: AndrewCT writes "It's because they can get around a year out of him. Since he is now a "employee" of Dell, they can have him work for about 6 months, than fire him and not have to pay unemployment, and start the process all over again."

Hog: OK, looks like that gas station that Bushie mentioned is up ahead.

[Hog pulls over at the gas station, fills up the tank, and goes inside to pay....and talk to the "Oracle" that Bushie mentioned.  He brings Blondie inside with him.  As they step inside, they see the gas station attendant at the counter.  He wears a name tag that reads "SAM".]

Hog: Hi there.....Sam?  We're at pump number 2, and would like to pay for that in cash.....But I also hear that you're someone who we should talk to about our future?

Sam: Yes, yes.  You've come here to get my unique insight about the future.  My name's Spade.  Sam Spade.


TO BE CONTINUED....

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 14 "We Had A Wonderful Time Of Fellowship And Sharing"

[We open on the gas station, where the station attendant has just identified himself as Sam Spade.]

Sam: So, pump #2 it is?

Blondie: Wait a minute, aren't you supposed to tell us something about the future first?

Sam: A talking dog, huh?  I predict a lucrative future as a circus freak.

Hog: Look, we've come all the way from Oklahoma, and we want--

Sam: Ah, Oklahoma.  So you must be a f@ggot.  Where's your husband?

Hog: No husband.  It's just him and me traveling.  [points to Blondie]

Sam: Right, now I get it.  Man on dog. [looks at Hog, and then looks at Blondie]  So I guess you're trying to make it Canada then?  That's where freaks like you like to defect to, isn't it?

Blondie: No, no.  We're trying to get to Salt Lake City.

Sam: Ah, Salt Lake City.  So you want to join that insane cult known as Mormonism.  Figures, since you're a dog.  You already don't have a soul, so you're halfway there.  Maybe you can join Mike Naso's space program, and be the first dog in space to fly off to Kobol, or whatever the frak Mormons think that planet is.....Or maybe it's Xenu?  I don't know, I can't keep them straight.

Blondie: Listen, we're supposed to find some crime boss there named The Irishman.  Have you heard of him?  Can you tell us anything about whether we're going to make it or not?

Sam: Yep, I know exactly what you want to know.

Blondie: You do?

Sam: You want to get to Salt Lake City, which means you need to pass through troll territory, then more Islamist territory before you get there.  You want me to tell you if you're going to make it safely.  Then you want me to tell you if you're going to find this Irishman or not.  And in fact, you'd probably like me to tell you how to find him.

Blondie: Yes!  Yes, that's it exactly!

Sam: Yeah, that was pretty obvious.

Blondie: What was obvious?

Sam: That that's what you want me to tell you, genius.

Hog: Well?

Sam: What do you want now?

Hog: Are you going to tell us what we want to know or not?

Sam: Be patient.

Blondie: What do you mean?  You need time to get some sort of metaphysical inspiration, to help you see the future?

Sam: No, I'm just giving you advice here.  You should be patient.  Try firing up the synapses in that dog brain of yours to work things out on your own.

Hog: You mean you won't help us?  You won't tell us what's going to happen?

[Sam sighs loudly.]

Sam: Look, genius.  You don't need me to help you.  You already have the skills you need to solve whatever problem awaits you.  You can save the world from nuclear annihilation, or whatever it is you intend to do.

In any case, I think it's rather obvious how things will turn out for you, and I'm surprised that neither of you can see it....[pause]....Then again, you're from Oklahoma, so I guess I shouldn't expect much from you.

Hog: Pretend we're idiots then.  Help us connect the dots.

Sam: I've told you exactly what's going to happen.  What more do you want from me?

Look, if things are going the way I think they are, then one of two things will happen.  I think it should be obvious which of those is more likely, but I don't have to tell you that, do I?  I'm sure I'll be proved right, one way or the other.

Blondie: How can you be proved right or wrong?  All you've done is talk in circles.  You haven't actually predicted anything.

Sam: I figured you'd say that.  This conversation turned out exactly how I expected.  From the moment you asked me to predict the future, everything's gone just like I said it would.

Blondie: You didn't know that we were from Oklahoma, or that we were going to Salt Lake City, or that I could talk, and you called us f@ggots.  We had to tell you everything.

Sam: I could try to draw you a picture, to help explain it to you, but I didn't bring my crayons today, so it would be too difficult for you to understand.  Suffice it to say, you'll eventually see that I was right.

Anyway, that'll be $52.95.

[Hog reluctantly pulls out some cash, and pays for the gas.  Then he and Blondie make their way to the door.  Hog opens the door for Blondie, who then trots outside.  Hog is about to exit as well, when Sam calls out to him....]

Sam: Hell, you really are gullible, aren't you?

[Hog stops in the doorway, to hear what Sam has to say.]

Sam: You'll believe anything, won't you?  You came in here, expecting me to tell you your future, because some idiot told you that I would?  There are many liars out there, and you'd better learn to recognize them, if you're going to survive.

Hog: And who are you suggesting is lying to me?

Sam: The biggest liar is yourself.

[Hog retreats back outside with Blondie, and they drive away.  As they pull away, Hog again turns on "Update: A Book on Tape"....]

Benedict Cumberpatch voice: AndrewCT writes "Just work, that's it. I've heard cases on a lot from fairly high known companies that will practice these kinds of operations for call centers and help desks. They will have someone come in as a temp, and if they hire them they keep them for the 6 months, and fire. That way, they don't pay unemployment, and sometimes don't have to pay insurance.  It's pretty sad that they do it, but there is nothing illegal about it. As long as they have reasoning for the termination, they are in the clear."

[Blondie finally breaks the silence on the encounter they just had with Sam:]

Blondie: Yeah....that was weird.


TO BE CONTINUED....

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 15 "There Were Stories Of People Falling Into The Same Trap"

[Blondie opened his eyes, feeling a bit sore, looking up at the sky above him.  Snowflakes were drifting down from the clouds above, but not in any great numbers.  He didn't remember how he had fallen asleep outside, but he was alarmed by the fact that he seemed to be leashed to....something.]

Hog: You're awake.

[Blondie spun around to see Hog, but immediately realized that he can't move very far, because both he and Hog were chained up to a large rock.  They were apparently being held as prisoners by....someone.  As Blondie looks across the landscape, he sees that they're in a canyon which is apparently also a sulfur mine, which looks sort of like this:



More disturbingly, the sulfur is being mined by trolls.  I mean, they really look like trolls, kind of like this:]



Blondie: What's....what's happening?  Where are we?

Hog: What do you remember?

Blondie: I.....we stopped for gas in Kansas, talked to that crazy "oracle" who worked there.  Then we drove away, and crossed into Colorado.....into troll territory.

Hog: That's it?  That's all you remember?

[Blondie nods.]

Hog: We left that gas station, and kept driving west.  We talked a little about what that Sam character had said, then listened to some more of that "Update" book on tape.  But I actually wanted to listen to the NFL playoff game.  I caught a glimpse of the AFC Championship Game that Sam was watching on the TV in that gas station, and--

Blondie: Can we skip to the important part?

Hog: Right after we crossed into Colorado, we had to slow down because of some speed bumps, as we went over a bridge.  There were trolls who came out from beneath the bridge and surrounded us.  They ransacked the Bushie family mobile home we were driving, and brought us here, and tied us up.  I guess you passed out, and just woke up now.

Blondie: Great.  Everyone wants to kidnap me.  First Space Bikers, and now.....

[A few of the trolls make their way over to Hog and Blondie, and one of them speaks...]

Lead Troll: Ah, you're awake now.  Welcome to the Institute of Sulfur Mining and Extraction.  My name's Hamilton.  This is Atheist2006.  [Atheist nods.]  This is Rochambeau....

Rochambeau: Yes.

Hamilton: This is poundingtherock.

poundingtherock: You two look like welfare cheats.  I'm sure you must belong to the Democrat Party.  Though maybe you're also Mormons.  We're in Colorado, so they're pretty much everywhere.

Rochambeau:

You must be logged in to read this quote.

Blondie: What was that?

Rochambeau:

You must be logged in to read this quote.

Blondie: There, you did it again.  You're just empty quoting people for no apparent reason.

Atheist2006: Don't mind him.  He just does that to drive up his post count.  If he just empty quotes what other people say, then he can get his count up quickly without any original thought.

Blondie: Well, it's really annoying.

Rochambeau:

You must be logged in to read this quote.

Atheist2006: OK, OK.  I'll distract him, and get him out of our way.  [turns to Rochambeau] Rochambeau, I think some of the other sulfur miners might not have been asked their opinion on Grover Cleveland.

[Rochambeau runs across the canyon, yelling at the sulfur mining trolls....]

Rochambeau: Grover Cleveland!  FF or HP?

Blondie: (to Atheist) Thank you.

Atheist2006: He may be a fellow troll, but I've never really liked him.  Since he's from California, he's probably a 's#!c.

I mean, sorry, is that the proper term?  I'm not sure, since English isn't my first language.

And no offense, Hamilton, on that California remark.  I wasn't intending to include anyone from Bakersfield.

[Mr. Morden]

Hamilton: None taken.  Anyway, moving on with the introductions, this is LBJ Revivalist.

LBJ Enthusiast: I may belong here as a troll, but I'm afraid that the troll leadership has been guided too much by Tea Party thinking.  When are we going to have decent unions here at this mine, or paid family leave or Social Security?  Should we look to Washington for answers?  I'm afraid Mike Naso's privatization schemes are just going to leave the working class further behind than ever.  What can be done?

Hamilton: Yes, yes.  Your concern trolling is appreciated, as always.  Moving along, this is kobidobidog.

kobidobidog: [to Hog] You're a mammal, just like me.  And just like your canine companion here.  I think your relationship is beautiful.  Whether the two of you have zoosexual sex or casual sex--

Hog: What?!?  Listen, there's nothing sexual about our relationship.  I'm not into Blondie here, and I'm sure he isn't into me either!

kobidobidog: Your dog companion may not be able to speak for himself, but that doesn't mean that he can't consent--

Blondie: But I *can* speak for myself!

kobidobidog: Ah, so you can talk as a human being can....like a canine Mr. Ed?  There's no reason to try to imitate human beings.  We are just animals like you.  I fear that if you try to speak like a human, then you're fighting a war against the Zoo.  But Jesus who is God sees that we are all animals, and--

Hamilton: OK, yes.  Moving right along...and finally, we have JSojourner.

[Hamilton points to the last person in the lineup, but he does indeed appear to be a "person" (a man appearing to be in his 60s) and not a troll.]

Hog: I don't get it.  You're not one of them.  Why are you here with these trolls?

[JSojourner hangs his head in shame.]

JSojourner: I may not be a troll myself, but I am burdened by these.

[JSojourner lifts his hands to reveal two sockpuppets.  Each of his hands is covered by a sock, made up to look like a troll.  He speaks through one of his sockpuppet hands, not unlike this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2k64w3354kE

JSojourner (as KeeptheChange, his right hand sockpuppet) [in fake Pennsylvania accent] I'm sorry, but why are we keeping these prisoners alive?  They look like far left redistributionists.

JSojourner (as Coburn In 2012, his left hand sockpuppet) [in fake Ohio accent] They're probably democRAT Muslim agents who want us to apologize for America, or whatever's left of it.

JSojourner: You see?  This is what I've been reduced to.  I'm here because of these two.

[JSojourner then points both hands towards himself, so that both Coburn In 2012 and KeeptheChange are facing him.]

JSojourner (as Coburn In 2012, his left hand sockpuppet) [speaking to JSojourner himself] You're a collectivist.  You think that you can waltz in here to this sulfur mine, and get hand outs from anyone.  All because your body is attached to these hands.  Well, I have news for you.  KeeptheChange and I are the ones doing all the work here, and you're biting the hands that feed you.

Blondie: [horrified] Ooookaaaay.  Ummmm....you do realize that you're talking to yourself there?  Those are just your own sockpuppets that you're talking to.  What kind of conversation do you expect to have?

Hamilton: [to Hog and Blondie] Never mind him.  Anyway, now that you've met some of my companions, I'll also introduce you to this, the Deluge of Absurdity, Ignorance, and Bad Posts.

[Hamilton points behind them at a giant waterfall.  That is, when Hog and Blondie turn around to see what Hamilton is pointing at, they see that the canyon they're all occupying lies at the base of a large waterfall.  Except that it's not actually a "water"fall.  It's not water that is streaming down from the cliff that towers over them.  It's bits of data.  They see a black mist pouring down from the cliff above them, and falling down through the mist is a stream of green letters and numbers rapidly changing from one shape to another, like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2x7bdlDr2Kw

The letters and numbers fall onto the ground, and vanish into the Earth.]

Hamilton: This is what we're here for.  You see, my friends, we mine sulfur here, because we want to be able to burn our enemies.  But that's only part of our arsenal.  If we're going to launch an attack on Cheyenne Mountain, we're going to need to troll them with plenty of absurdity, ignorance, and terrible posts.  The Deluge here offers us a reservoir of all of the awfulness ever posted on Atlas.

[Hamilton pulls out an iPad, with a blank screen, and sticks it in the "Deluge", then pulls it out, with text newly appearing on the screen.

Hamilton: [Reading from the iPad] "What happens if there's truth to the lesbian love affair rumors?  Let's say Hillary seals the nomination and somebody comes forward claiming they were in a lesbian relationship with her. Well, what happens then?

We all know her marriage is a sham, and these rumors have followed her for over two decades now..."

I believe that post was actually written by Politico, back in 2013.

Atheist2006: What Hamilton is getting at here is this: The landscape throughout this part of the state is covered with trolls.  There are trolls, spambots, and sock accounts of every shape and color you can imagine.  But this valley is the gathering place of a very particular kind of troll.  We're the surviving trolls from what was once the US Election Atlas forum.

Many of our kind didn't make it.  Nym killed many of us during the dark days, in the final years before the plug was pulled on Atlas.  But those of us who survive have never given up our dream.....to sieze control of Atlas, and make it a safe environment for trolls of all varieties to wreak havoc as we see fit.

Hamilton: [getting emotional] The moderators, those war criminals, never let us be who we really are on that website.  Well, the game isn't over yet.  The last surviving copy of the Atlas website is being held at the NORAD installation in Cheyenne Mountain, just south of here.  The only remaining military installation controlled by the US government in this state.  When we've extracted both the necessary sulfur and the requisite supply of terrible posts from this valley, we'll attack Cheyenne Mountain, and sieze the Atlas, reconstituting it on the internet, as a place for trolls across the globe, under the administration of Atheist and myself.

Hog: That's crazy.

Hamilton: What?!?  You're calling me crazy?  That's a personal attack!  And it's excessive hyperbole!

[Hamilton looks around, and then yells up at the sky:]

Hamilton: Moderators?  Can we have a moderator here?  I want to report this poster for a personal attack!  We need a moderator here to deal with this immediately!

Blondie: What are you yelling about?  Why are you asking for a moderator?  I thought you hated moderators.

Atheist2006: If you really must know, you filthy son of a b!t(h, Hamilton is a bit of a split personality on that one.  He hates the moderators, but complains to them about the activity of other posters at every opportunity......[pause].....

I mean, sorry if I offended you by calling you a "filthy son of a b!t(h".  English isn't my native language.  What I said doesn't sound so bad in German.


TO BE CONTINUED....

[Mr. Morden]

Thank you for my cameo role Morden. The chap looks a bit impecunious however. What happened to all my dough?  Yes, I know, it is probably held by a conservator because of insentience.

To be honest, Torie, I haven't thought through that bit very carefully.  Though, I guess, in my timeline, when law and order started to break down in the Western US, including California, people started to make a mad dash for any place where there was still a semi-functioning government, and a lack of roaming bands of Islamist radicals.  You and other moderators in the US made your way to Oklahoma, and it's unclear how many of your assets you were able to take with you.

I guess, yes, most money nowadays is "virtual", and even if the bank burns down, they still exist on paper, so you should hypothetically be able to access it, but....who knows?  A lot of craziness has occurred in the USA in this timeline, so someone with $ in 2013 could have lost it by 2029 for any number of reasons.

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 16 "I Know I Fall Short In Many Areas"

[We open at the Institute of Sulfur Mining and Extraction.  Hamilton is repeating his plea for a moderator to intervene, to punish Hog for calling him crazy.]

Hamilton: [pleading] Can we please have a moderator here right now?

Atheist2006: Easy, Hamilton.  There are no moderators around here.  You're wasting your breath.

[And with that, we see Nym casually walk up to the group, seemingly coming out of nowhere.]

Nym90: Someone here called for a moderator?

[The trolls react in shock.  Nym is here???  Blondie smiles, hoping that Nym, with his great powers, will rescue him from these trolls, just as he rescued him from the Islamists and Space Bikers the previous evening.]

Nym90: You want a moderator, you say?  Well, I'm happy to infract or mod review or ban anyone who's wronged you, whether by trolling, or excessive hyperbole, or whatever their transgression may have been.  Then I'll eat a big bowl of grapes!

[Atheist2006's expression goes from fear to relief.]

Atheist2006: Blubb, you're mixing up your characters again.  "Big bowl of grapes" is from one of your spoofs of Bushie.

["Nym" suddenly morphs into a troll.]

JSojourner: You ruined the joke, Atheist.  You should have just let him keep going, and seen how long it took for everyone else to figure it out.

[Blondie and Hog are looking very confused at this point.]

JSojourner: (explaining to Blondie and Hog) This is Van Der Blubb (pointing to the troll who just second ago looked and talked like Nym).  He's a troll, like all the rest of them.  But he's able to morph into, and imitate, any current or former Atlas poster.

[Van Der Blubb bows, as many of the trolls continue to laugh at his prank.]

Hamilton: OK, OK.  I admit, that was a good one.  All right, I think I'm OK now.  I won't cry for help from a moderator again for at least a few minutes.

Now....(turns to Blondie and Hog) we just got done telling you two about who we are.  But what about you two?  Why are you here?  Where were you driving?  Why were you driving out here, on your own, with no protection?

Blondie: We were headed to Salt Lake City.  Looking for a crime boss there named The Irishman.  have you heard of him?

Hamilton: Actually.....I have. 

There are Mormon missionaries that pass through here every once in a while.  They're trying to convert the Islamists, but they inevitably get themselves killed.  We don't bother them much, since they distract the Islamists, and keep them off our back.  Last couple of times we saw them, they had a kid with them named Yugo something.  He said something about some fugitive in Salt Lake City named the Irishman, who was in hiding.  The kid said that his father or guardian or something wanted to find the Irishman, because it was important for the history of the country, or some such nonsense.

Atheist2006: Never liked Mormons myself, or any other autochthonous American religions.  Maybe if we had parties like Die Freiheit or Pro Deutschland here in this country, then....

Hamiltion: That's enough, Atheist.  Let's not get on that again.

Blondie: So, sounds like you've heard of the Irishman then?  So if you let us go, then you can tell us where to find him?

Hamiltion: Of course not.  I don't know where this Irishman is.  And even if I did, we're not letting you go.

Blondie: (nervously) Why, what do you want with us?

Atheist2006: We intend to recycle you.

Hog: What???

Atheist2006: Yes, you heard me.  Recycling.  Every captive we take gets chopped up, and thrown into the Deluge, so that their organic matter can be reprocessed into terrible posts.

Hamilton: Well, not quite every captive.  Those who are suitable get turned into trolls.

Blondie: Turned into trolls?

Atheist2006: Yes, yes, you stupid canine.  You don't think we always looked like this do you?  We were human beings, just like your empty-headed friend here.  But with so much time spent trolling, we gradually transformed into literal trolls.  We're open to taking new recruits, but you and your friend are too clueless to understand the first thing about trolling.

Hamilton: (shrugs) Meh, wouldn't hurt to give them the test though, would it?

Atheist2006: I guess not.

OK, you two.  How about this question?  (clears throat) What do you think caused 9/11?

Blondie: I'm just a dog, I don't know anything about 9/11.  I'm only a few months old, and wasn't born yet in 2001.  Don't ask me.

Hog: I'm afraid I don't remember 2001 either.  I have amnesia.  Everything before 2008 is kind of a fog.

Hamilton: Holy f*(k, that was pathetic.  That's not how you troll at all.

Blondie: What?  I don't understand.  That was the test?

Hamilton: Someone asks you about 9/11, and there are a million different ways you can go.  You can give a Truther answer and deny the official government story.  You can go off on how all Muslims are terrorists, or on how the US shouldn't be letting anyone in the country anymore, or say that Americans deserve a bloody nose like 9/11 because of Imperialism.

Atheist2006: Or for that matter, you can change the subject entirely, and insult the mother of the person asking the question, or whatever you have to do, in order to be obnoxious.  But you absolutely do not just say that you don't remember.

JSojourner: Actually Atheist, maybe that would be trolling.  If they *do* remember 2001, it's an absurd dodge and attempt to deflect the question, which could be trolling.  I mean, "I have amnesia"?  Sounds like he was trolling, if you ask me.

Hamilton: That's a ridiculous excuse for trolling, JSo!  And why are you butting into this?  Atheist and I were conducting this interrogation.  You can't start in on this discussion thread!

[He yells up at the sky again....]

Hamilton: Moderator?  Can we have a moderator here immediately?  I have another complaint to make!  We want JSojourner out of this thread!

Atheist2006: Come on Hamilton, do you have to keep asking for moderators?  We haven't been on Atlas for years, there aren't any moderators around.  It's like you have PSTD, or PMSTD, or whatever it's called.  Post-traumatic.....I don't know what it's called.  English isn't my native language.

But that doesn't matter.  The important thing we've concluded from this is that these two (points at Hog and Blondie) would make terrible trolls, so we should just chop them up right now, and throw their remains into the Deluge.

LBJ Enthusiast: I'm afraid I can't allow that.

Atheist2006: What?  Who asked you?  You're not in charge here.

LBJ Enthusiast: That is.....if they're going to die, then their next of kin are going to need Social Security survivor benefits.

Atheist2006: (*sighs*) Once we set up our Troll Atlas, we'll sell premium memberships, and send some of the proceeds to their families.  It'll make up for whatever they would have gotten in Social Security survivor benefits if the US government was still operating out here.

LBJ Enthusiast: OK then, fair enough.  Go ahead and chop them up.

kobidobidog: Once you do that, if any of you wants to perform a sexual act with the dog's remains---if you are necrozoophiliac so to speak---I wouldn't judge.  That's not really my thing, but I don't think any of us would judge you for it.


TO BE CONTINUED....

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 17 "You Can't Focus Your Eyes Too Long On One Or The Other Otherwise You'll Crash"

[We open, again, at the Institute of Sulfur Mining and Extraction.  Atheist2006 has just reiterated his desire to chop Blondie and Hog up into small pieces, and recycle their remains in the Deluge.]

Blondie: (nervously) Can't we talk about this?

Hamilton: There's nothing to talk about.

Unnamed Troll: Oh, but I think there is, Hamilton.

[Everyone turns to see a new troll standing before them.]

Unnamed Troll: Like why you don't deserve to be on the $10 bill, and why you didn't wear a bullet proof vest when duelling with Aaron Burr.

[The troll then morphs into a Japanese man.  Never mind how you can tell that he's Japanese.  Let's say that he's wearing a t-shirt with a map of Japan, colored dark green.]

Van Der Blubb: What's this?  Another shapeshifter?

Unnamed Troll....who's now a Japanese man: That's right.  You can call me Twister.  Heh, "Twister" perhaps a bit ironic, considering what happened to this dog's dog house (points to Blondie).

Blondie: What?  How do you know about that?

Twister: I know a great many things.  I've been working for the NSA for many years.  I'm especially familiar with all of you trolls here, having used my many sock accounts on the US Election Atlas forum to keep tabs on all of the criminal activity going on there over the years.

[Atheist2006 thinks for a moment, then has a moment of realization...]

Atheist2006: Yes, I remember you.  Aren't you a sock of A--

Twister: (interrupting) Please, please.  There's no need to say my name.  But suffice it to say, I'm quite familiar with all of your exploits.  I'm able to shape shift as well as your friend Blubb here, which allowed all of my sock accounts to evade detection for so many years on the Atlas forum.

I was on there for ages, and was able to report back to NSA on a broad range of criminal acts, from the widespread copyright violations perpetrated by posters around the world who improperly quoted online news articles, to the gold price fixing scam being run by J.J., to the intelligence operation being run by the PLA agent codenamed v0031, who was trying to gather information on proper English grammar to be taught to Chinese spies.

So yeah, I know who you all are, and have been watching you trolls from my posting at NORAD in Cheyenne Mountain.

Hamilton: Cheyenne Mountain?  Really?

Twister: Yes, yes.  And I know all about your pathetic plan to attack us there.

Hamilton: And you risk your life by coming here?  That's pretty bold.  What would give you the thought that you'd make it out of here alive?

Twister: What would give me the thought?  Do you even know what a thought is?  A "thought" coming from you is like pork coming from a cow.

But if you really want to know why I'm confident, it's because I knew I'd be safe here due to my coattails.

Atheist2006: Your coattails?

Twister: Yes.  My sudden appearance here provides such a strong jolt to the narrative of this story that it has coattails.  My friends are following me onto the scene on those coattails.....or should I say, megacoattails?

[Three costumed heroes quickly descend onto the scene from the skies.  They are an 86 year old man, a 76 year old woman, and a thirty something year old man.]

Twister: These are my associates, the Moderate Heroes: former US Senator Joseph Lieberman, former US Senator Susan Collins, and Benconstine.

Susan Collins: I'm delighted to be here, Mr. Twister.  Thank you all for joining us here tonight.  I think it's important that we make our voices heard here today, because trolling is an important problem that affects everyone in America.  Whatever moderate course of action can be taken to save an innocent's life from a troll is a step worth taking.

Joe Lieberman: I'd like to echo the words of my friend from across the aisle.  If these trolls are threatening the lives of any American, then we cannot sit idly by.  Though we must calibrate our response with moderation.

(turns to Hamilton, who is now wielding a large butcher knife) Now, Mr. Troll, what is it that you intend to do to this poor man here, and his dog?

Hamilton: We're going to slice them up into a million pieces.

Joe Lieberman: I see....you would like to slice these two into a million pieces?

Hamilton: Yes.

Joe Lieberman: (points to Hog) And you and your dog would presumably each like to remain in one piece?

Hog: Yes, of course we would.

Joe Lieberman: Then the perfect moderate hero solution would be for you to be sliced into 500,000 pieces!

Blondie: What?!?  How is that a perfect solution?

Joe Lieberman: It's perfect because neither of you quite gets what you want, but we get an outcome which is halfway in between your two preferred courses of action.

Hog: Well, 500,000 or 1 million pieces is equally terrible to us.

[Lieberman thinks for a minute.]

Joe Lieberman: Ok, Ok.  I have a much better solution.  You two (points to Blondie and Hog) would like us to save you from these trolls.

(to Hamilton) And you.....how many of you trolls would you use to chop them up into a million pieces?

Hamilton: Well, I think quite a few of us would like to get in on the act.  So maybe four.....myself, Atheist, Van Der Blubb, and poundingtherock.

Joe Lieberman: Ok then, here's the solution.

[Lieberman raises his hands up in the air.  He yells out....]

Joe Lieberman: By the power of Lowell Weicker and Dick Lamm!  Let us make a less than bold move for fairness and opportunity!  Extremism in the defense of liberty is a great vice!

[The sky darkens, and a bolt of lightning comes down from the heavens, electrifying first Atheist2006, and then poundingtherock.  While it doesn't seem to do any physical damage to them, they are immediately restrained in chains, and their mouths gagged.  They struggle to free themselves, but get nowhere.]

Hamilton: What....what have you done?

Joe Lieberman: I've used my moderate hero powers.  You said that four of you would kill Mr. Hog and his canine companion.  Now only two of you can do so.

Hog: How does that help us Senator?!?  Whether it's two of them or four of them doing it...either way, we'll still be dead!

Blondie: (exasperated, to Lieberman) I don't think you're really helping us here at all.  I mean, this is ridiculous.  These guys want to kill us.  We don't want to be dead.  There is no middle ground.  You three (motioning to Lieberman and the other two Moderate Heroes) seem to have enormous power at your disposal, and could save us if you wanted to.  Either you want to help us or you don't.  If you try to split the difference, you're just going to end up letting them kill us, so it's totally useless!

Benconstine: With respect, I don't think you appreciate our point of view here.  Every day, we turn on our televisions, and see Washington in gridlock.  Nonstop partisanship.  We must look out there across America, and recognize that no one political party or ideology has a monopoly on wisdom.  There's a little wisdom in every point of view.  If we can simply take all of those points of view, and find the midpoint between all of them, then we can use that midpoint as the basis for a more perfect society.

Hog: Ugh....that doesn't help us with our current situation.

Twister: Yes, yes.  I hear you.  My Moderate Hero friends here seem to have planted their flag on the middle ground between talking to a brick wall and talking to an nkpatel.


TO BE CONTINUED....

[Mr. Morden]

Susan Collins: I'm delighted to be here, Mr. Twister.  Thank you all for joining us here tonight.  I think it's important that we make our voices heard here today, because trolling is an important problem that effects everyone in America.  Whatever moderate course of action can be taken to save an innocent's life from a troll is a step worth taking.

It's a shame that one of my main (pun intended) moderate superheroes does not know thw difference between effect and affect..

Fixed. 

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 18 "I Will Be Roughing It Sorta"

[And we again open on the Institute of Sulfur Mining and Extraction.  Benconstine has just explained his Moderate Hero logic, leaving Blondie and Hog exasperated about how the Moderate Heroes won't save them.  Or at least, will only partially save them.]

Twister: OK, OK.  I think I can help you guys out on this one. (pause) So Susan....

Susan Collins: Yes, Mr. Twister?

Twister: I understand that these two innocents here would like to be saved from these trolls.  Perhaps you could ask Senator Droopy Dog over there to use the Power of Grayskull to wrap all these trolls up in straightjackets, and leave them trapped here for eternity?

Susan Collins: That sounds like a rather extreme response, Mr. Twister.  May I suggest a more moderate course of action?

Twister: You may.

Susan Collins: We wrap them all up in straightjackets, but leave them there for just a limited period of time.

Twister: Not quite as far as I would have liked you to go, but I can live with that.

[Collins nods to Lieberman, who raises his hands up in the air, and yells out....]

Joe Lieberman: By the power of Angus King!  Let us confront our political opponents by adopting half of their ideas!

[Before any of the trolls can react, straightjackets rise up from the ground, and trap them inside.  They're unable to escape, and their mouths are covered as well, so they can't talk.  Within moments, every single troll in the Institute has been straightjacketed.

Twister then moves over to Hog and Blondie, and begins to release them from their own restraints.]

Hog: Thank you!  Why didn't you just do that to begin with?

Twister: I don't know, boredom?  Cheyenne Mountain isn't exactly Excitement Kingdom, so when faced with a challenge, I like to take my time with it.

[Twister has now finished releasing both Blondie and Hog from their restraints.]

Twister: So what were you two doing out here anyway, that you managed to get yourself kidnapped by the trolls?

Blondie: On our way to Salt Lake City.  We're time travellers, looking for a way back to 2013, and we understand that someone in Salt Lake City called the Irishman has a time machine.

Twister: Salt Lake City, huh?  I've been tracking W--, I mean, Fredward's movements there.

Hog: Fredward is in Salt Lake City?

Twister: I'm pretty certain of it.  Finding him has been a bear, because he hasn't been seen in person or on video for years.  I mean, he makes some appearances in Islamist propaganda videos, but it's not really him.  It's pretty obvious holographic fakery.

So I've been trying to track him down.  He has a number of bunkers spread out throughout the western USA....that is, what used to be the USA, but is now held by the Islamists.  Salt Lake City's contested territory, but if my intelligence is right, he's hiding out in a bunker several miles east of the city, directly below the Olympic park left there from the 2002 Winter Olympics.

Hog: But you said you're part of the NSA, right?  So if you know where he is, why don't you tell the president or something, and have him take out Fredward?

Twister: Ha!  The president?  You want me to tell Naso?  I know he was just sworn in and you'll tell me that I should give him a chance, but I can assure you that he'll be even more useless than President Winfrey was.  If Naso tries to send anyone in to take out Fredward, he'll probably either nuke the place, or inadvertently tip off Fredward that he's coming.

No, we--that is, the Moderate Heroes and I--we may technically work for the US government, but they abandoned us out here years ago, when they pulled out of Colorado, and let it be overrun by Islamists and Trolls.  We've been holed up in Cheyenne Mountain, on our own, continuing to do our work as best we can.  The only thing that's kept us alive is this.

[Twister reaches into his coat pocket, and pulls out a flash drive.]

Blondie: What's that?

Twister: The US Election Atlas.  The website's been offline for over a decade, and this is the last confirmed remaining copy, as far as I know.

Blondie: OK, I may not be as worldly as you....I'm only a dog, and don't know how most things work....but please explain how a website can save your life.

[Twister sighs, and puts the Atlas back in his pocket.]

Twister: Simple.  With all the detailed voting and demographic data in here, down to the precinct level, one can plan an effective insurgency--or counter-insurgency--that's very specifically suited to a particular geographic area.  With help from the Atlas data, we've been able to fend off every troll attempt to attack Cheyenne Mountain.

Hog: Come on....Let's get real here.  An election atlas is going to do all that?

Twister: You'd be amazed by what Dave Leip had at his disposal back in the day, which was available to those with premium memberships.  It's all in the Atlas.

And that's why Fredward was so successful as well.

Hog: Huh?

Twister: It was the Atlas data.  I know it was.  He helped to organize the Islamists when they were taking over the Rockies, and he made use of data which is only in the Atlas.  I'm sure of it.  And I believe he's still using it today.  It's the only way they've been able to defend themselves from the US military.  Somehow, he must have access to that information that was stored in the Atlas all those years ago.  There may be another copy of it that he's holding on to, though I'm not exaclty sure of the details.

But that's why I've been working to track him down.  We can't let him get away with using that information if he's not paying the annual subscription fee anymore.

[Blondie and Hog just nod their heads.]

Twister: That last part was a joke.

[silence]

Twister: The subscription fee isn't important, it's just that....do I have to explain everything to you?

[more silence]

Twister: Yikes, you two are rather humorless, aren't you?

Blondie: Sorry, Mr. Twister.  But if you're after Fredward, and he's in Salt Lake City, then why don't you come with us?

Twister: I don't know about that.  The road to Salt Lake City is pretty dangerous.  It's a tough journey.  See those mountains over there? (points to the west)  Without a car, how are you going to get across those?

Now, you could try going through the Mines of Moria, but otherwise you'll have to go far over the Misty Mountains rise.  Leave us standing upon the height.  What was before, we see once more, is our kingdom, a distant light.

[blank expressions from Blondie and Hog]

Twister: Lord of the Rings?  The Hobbit?  Does what I just said ring any bells for you?

Hog: I'm a hobo.  I don't get to see many movies or read many books.

Blondie: And I'm just a dog....a puppy who's only been alive for a couple of months.  What do you expect from me?

Twister: Oy.  This isn't exactly a fellowship that's going to make Fredward tremble in fear.


TO BE CONTINUED....

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 19 "I Don't Have The Best Resume"

[And we again open on the Institute of Sulfur Mining and Extraction.  Twister has been telling Hog and Blondie about how difficult it'll be for them to get to Salt Lake City.]

Twister: OK, look, I'm not going to go to Salt Lake City myself, but I can get the Moderate Heroes to fly you there.

Blondie: Fly us there?

Twister: Yes, you saw them fly down here, didn't you?  They have moderate superpowers, and can fly hundreds of miles in a matter of minutes.

Benconstine: Excuse me....I  don't think it would be appropriate for us to fly these two all the way to Salt Lake City.

Joe Lieberman: I'm forced to agree with my colleague here.  Though perhaps we could fly halfway?

Twister: OK then, how about this for a counterproposal?  You fly in the direction of Salt Lake City, but you actually go twice as far?

Joe Lieberman: No, I'm afraid that's too extreme for us.  We'll take them to Salt Lake City.

Twister: I see.  (sarcastic) Maybe not what I was hoping for, but it'll have to do.

Hog: (to Twister) You really won't come with us?

Twister: No, no.  I'm sorry.  Too dangerous for me to confront Fredward head on.  But look....

[Twister pulls out a piece of paper and writes something on it, then hands the paper to Hog.]

Twister: This is the contact info for one of our agents.  She's one of the best of us.  If you get into trouble there, use this to call on her, and maybe she'll be able to help you out.

Blondie: You *really* aren't coming?  Mr. Twister, I'm sorry, but what are you going to do, hide out in that mountain forever?  You've located the most wanted man in the world, and you're not going to do anything with that information?

Twister: Once we have a president who can tell the difference between his hair and a hole in the ground, I'll happily turn over all the information I have on Fredward and the Islamists.

Blondie: You're not even curious enough to go there in person, and check out your leads?  To see if your information is correct or not?

Twister: (sighs) OK, look, I don't want to argue.  (pause)  Fine, I'll go.  Just to check out if there's anything to what my sources have told me about the situation out there.

Susan Collins: OK, it's settled.  We'll take you halfway to twice the distance to Salt Lake City.

Blondie: You mean, you'll take us all the way to Salt Lake City?

Susan Collins: Yes, that's a cruder way of putting it.

[Collins scoops Blondie up in her arms.  Twister holds on to Liberman, while Hog hold on to Benconstine.  The Moderate Heroes then take off into the sky, with Blondie, Hog, and Twister in tow.  Their takeoff is sort of like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLpwUhAvFzg

The trolls look up, still in straightjackets, watching the Moderate Heroes fly away.  Hamilton looks worried that they've been left there to die.

And then a few more minutes pass.

And a few more minutes.

And a few more minutes.

The trolls remain trapped in their straightjackets, unable to escape. 

Senator Collins had suggested that the straightjackets wouldn't trap them there forever.  Does that mean that they're programmed to be released at a certain time?  The trolls would never find out, because a few minutes later....

....the snowfall has increased in intensity, and it's getting darker as afternoon fades into evening.  But Hamilton hears a sound, and looks off into the distance to see a few pickup trucks pulling up.  The passengers get out....at least 7 or 8 men, no women.  They're far enough away that he can't make out who they are just yet, but then they start to open up their jackets, revealing....

The first man to open his jacket has a t-shirt with a red Michigan on it.  The next has a lime green Nevada, then a dark green Austria, then a lime green South Carolina, etc.

Hamilton is shocked.  It's his nightmare come to life, as he sees Nym and the other moderators before him.  The other trolls don't have much better reactions, but all of them are trapped in their straightjackets with gags in their mouths, and they can neither escape nor scream out.

The mods finally approach the trolls.  Nym looks down on Hamilton with a smile on his face.]

Nym90: Well, well, well.  I knew there were trolls here, but *this* is a pleasant surprise.

Ernest: (to Nym) What are you doing sir?  This is a distraction from the mission at hand, to reclaim the copy of the Atlas held at Cheyenne Mountain.  You've already used your powers liberally to defend us from Islamist attacks on the drive up here.  Do more need to die today?  These trolls appear to be neutralized, and pose no threat to us.

[Nym turns to Ernest, looking incredulous.]

Nym90: Hamilton?  Atheist2006?  We have before us some of the most notorious trolls in Atlas history, all of whom featured prominently on The Watch List.  If anyone deserves to suffer the most extreme administrative penalty that Mr. Leip has made available to me, surely it is them?

[The glow of the red Michigan on Nym's shirt begins to get brighter, and his hands begin to glow red as he prepares to strike the trolls....

...the camera slowly pans up the Deluge and away from both the Trolls and moderators, and as we pan up, we see a red flash coming from off camera, and hear the screams of the Trolls....presumed to be their death screams as Nym wipes them out with his powers.

Then the camera pans high above the mountains, and quickly zooms hundreds of miles to the west, finally reaching Utah.  It then plunges down towards the Olympic Park, east of Salt Lake City.  We shift to an underground bunker there, deep beneath the Earth, zoom through the hallways, passing by statues of Olympic athletes.  We see a few robots who are walking the halls, who look a bit like the battle droids from The Phantom Menace:



We finally settle on......Bushie's holographic imaging chamber.  Yes, the holo-imaging chamber that we saw at the end of Episode 11 is here, in this bunker.  We again see a figure who's cloaked in shadow because of the poor lighting, but who sounds like Bushie, talking to a mysterious voice offscreen (who again, is the same mysterious voice as in Episode 11). ]

Mysterious Person: Please hurry up, Bushie.  Hog and the others will be arriving in town shortly, and your holographic alter ego needs to be ready, to give them a proper "greeting".

BushOK: I'm sorry sir.  But the lighting in here is so poor, that it takes me a while to get the holographic imaging set up properly.

Mysterious Person: Yes, yes.  Congratulations Phil to you for noticing the obvious.  The lighting throughout this illustrious facility has always been terrible, going all the way back to when it was controlled by our dearly departed Mr. Fredward.

BushOK: OK, well I'm almost ready.  I hope this won't take too long, because I'm missing the NFC Championship Game for this.

You said that it's not just Hog and JJ coming, but also Aizen?

Mysterious Person: Yes, that is correct.  A remarkable stroke of luck that we shall be able to take custody of him as well.  But Mr. "Hog" is the important one.  With his help, I do hope to be able to find that Xerox lab, and take control of Muon's time device.  And you know what that means, don't you, my dear Mr. BushOK?

BushOK: That my contract will be fulfilled, and I won't have to work for you anymore?

Mysterious Person: You amuse me greatly, Bushie.  My sincerest congratulations to you for making me laugh.  But please be serious here.  Siezing that time machine means that we'll finally be able to SECURE THE PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED STATES FOR GOVERNOR ROMNEY.

BushOK: You really do like that bold and caps lock, don't you Mr. Winfield?

[The camera reverses off of Bushie, and now points in the other direction, at the "Mysterious Person", who is now revealed to be Winfield.....smiling from behind his monocle.

And as we fade out to the closing credits for this episode, in homage to Twister's "Misty Mountain" reference from the previous episode, we get a rendition of "Song of the Lonely Mountain":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJwyW9ngLNg    ]


TO BE CONTINUED....

[Mr. Morden]

I never thought of Winfield as Mr. Peanut.

It's a meme that dates back to the original "Congrats Phil" thread:

https://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=127693.msg2716928#msg2716928

Also:

https://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=165724.msg3539138#msg3539138

[Mr. Morden]

Meh.  Monocles are for rich snobs is an old-fashioned stereotype.  You're far more likely to come across a hipster wearing one than someone like Winfield these days, and even then it would be rare.

It's an Atlas meme nonetheless, and I'll justify it on the grounds that fashions have changed by 2029.

In any case, I give you the season finale of the first season of HOG & Blondie below.  Yes, the season finale.  I've realized as I developed the story that it got much bigger than I anticipated, so I've broken it up into two seasons, so the following is the season finale of the first season....

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 20 "It Will Definitely Be A Challenge, But It's Easily Overcome"

[We open on a large room in the NORAD bunker in Cheyenne Mountain.  The room is filled with maps of the surrounding region, and is ringed by a balcony stretching around three out of the four walls.  There are no US government agents left here.  Twister and the Moderate Heroes are the only agents who still work here, and they've left for Salt Lake City, along with Blondie and Hog (as seen in the previous episode).

Instead, the facility is being occupied by Nym and the other moderators, having just forced their way in, with the aid of their moderation powers.  Nym is alone in this room (well...almost alone....Tender Branson stands silently, guarding the door), as he pores over the maps.  Ernest and Inks enter the room, interrupting him....]

Ernest: Sir, we've completed the search of this facility.  We are indeed alone here.  No government agents, at least not now.  Also no sign of the Atlas.

Nym90: But you said that there were signs of people living here fairly recently?

Ernest: Indeed, sir.  Still living here today.  Just not present right now.  I believe they were here as recently as this afternoon.  Inks may have uncovered their destination.

Inks: It's the Moderate Heroes.  They apparently have the superpower of flight, but I know where they went off to.  They registered their flight plan on flightaware.com.  It's the same website that jmfcst used to track former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin back in 2008, when he broke the news that John McCain selected her as his running mate.

Anyway, their flight plan shows that they're headed for Salt Lake City.

Nym90: Excellent work, Inks.  So, we'll make our way to Salt Lake City, then.  How quickly can we load up the cars?

Inks: We don't have to go by car, sir.  This base includes an aircraft that can be used for evacuation in case of emergency.  We can use it to fly to Salt Lake much faster than we could drive.  Beet's reading the instruction manual right now, and should be ready to fly it shortly.

Nym90: Very good.  We can leave as soon as Beet is ready.  In the meantime, Inks, I want you and the others to continue searching this facility, to see if you can find any more information here that might help us better understand what we're up against with the Moderate Heroes.

Inks: Understood, sir.

[Inks and Ernest begin to leave, but as Inks walks out the door, Nym stops Ernest from exiting with him.]

Nym90: Ernest, a word?

Ernest: Yes, sir?

Nym90: He is a remarkable fellow, isn't he, Ernest?

Ernest: You mean Inks, sir?

Nym90: Yes, of course I mean Inks.  No offense to you Ernest, but he's the most capable of any of you.

Ernest: If you say so, sir.

Nym90: (laughing) Oh come now, Ernest.  I'm not insulting you here.  I don't mean it like that.  And don't worry.  Your position as Deputy Modadmin is secure.

No, Inks is the most technically capable of you.  But he has no leadership capabilities.  He will never be a leader of men, as he is neither decisive nor charismatic.  If he were to somehow become Deputy Modadmin, he would never be able to challenge me, as you have.  He would never question my orders, nor rally other moderators to his side.

Ernest: (confused) Is that a backhanded compliment, sir?  Have I challenged you in a way that is inappropriate?

Nym90: No, not at all.  But I would appreciate your counsel just now, Ernest.  I can understand that my actions today may seem curious to you.  I need you to tell me if I've lost my mind.

[Ernest pauses for a second, as he collects his thoughts.]

Ernest: Your plan is sound, sir.  After you discovered last night that you still have moderation powers, even in the "real world" outside of Atlas.....that we all have them.....well, it only made sense.  These moderation powers could be useful to the US military, in trying to take back the western US.  If we turn over this last copy of the Atlas, and allow them to study both it and us, then perhaps they can weaponize such powers, and turn them against the Islamists.  It's a sufficiently tantalizing possibility for President Naso, that we may be able to trade our cooperation for clemency for the crimes we committed in the 2010s.

Nym90: So you don't think I'm crazy then?

Ernest: The idea is sound.  (pause)  However......I do find your decision to bring us here in person a bit curious.  We could have negotiated our surrender from Oklahoma.  As for the Atlas, even if we're cut off from US-controlled territory here, I'm sure the military could have found a way to access this facility, given the stakes.

(long pause) And also.....

Nym90: Yes, Ernest?

Ernest: I understand that you didn't really mean to kill all those people last night.  The Somalis and the Space Bikers.  But then....those who you killed with your powers today.  Yes, self defense on the way up here, when we were attacked by Islamists.  Though I don't know that it was necessary to respond with lethal force, when you could have simply placed them on moderator review.

Nym90: We couldn't linger on the road up here Erenst.  No time to babysit Islamists on mod review.

Ernest: And then those trolls you killed just an hour or so ago.  Hamilton, Atheist2006, poundingtherock, Rochambeau....

Nym90: Some of the worst offenders in Atlas history, all of whom I would have disposed of years ago, if I'd had the opportunity.

Ernest: If you say so sir.

Nym90: But you don't approve?

Ernest: Sir, do you remember what you said just yesterday, at the Mars Bar, when we were talking to Hog and RickRoll about what we had to do as moderators back in the 2010s?

You said that you never imagined how Dave giving you those Modadmin powers would change you.  That you were like a wild animal who needed to kill...like a lion.  Well, now you have those powers back.  And more than that, you can use them in the real world, outside the confines of the Atlas.  Are you sure it isn't having a similar impact on your mental state now?

Nym90: (pause)  I see.  Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, Ernest.

[Tender Branson is still standing guard at the door.  Nym nods to him, and he leaves the room.]

Nym90: Let me explain something Ernest.  I haven't told the others about this yet, but I thought that you should know.

The reason that I wanted us to secure the Atlas ourselves, rather than negotiate our surrender from Oklahoma, is that I want to know exactly how much leverage we have.

Ernest: Sir?

Nym90: We've just now discovered that our moderation powers can be used in the real world, outside of cyberspace.  If we get ahold of the Atlas, and study the admin powers locked within it.......well, who knows what other abilities we might unlock?  Certainly something to consider, before blindly surrendering ourselves to US law enforcement.

[Ernest is struck by a realization....]

Ernest: You have no intention of negotiating with President Naso, do you sir?  You never did, did you?

No, now that you've realized that your moderation powers are so much more powerful than you thought they were, you just want to get that Atlas back, so you can see what additional powers it'll give you.  That's all you want, isn't it?

Nym90: (his tone shifting, now that his true colors have been revealed) You think I'd hand that power over to Mike Naso, and allow him to become Modadmin?

Ernest: Not Modadmin, sir.  He's president of the United States, whether you or I like it or not.  What would you have us do with these moderation powers, if not turn the technology over to the US government?

Nym90: The same thing Naso would do with it, but more competently.  If the additional mod powers we can unlock from the Atlas are as far reaching as I imagine they are, and if we can re-connect it to the internet, well....we could easily defeat this Islamist insurgency on our own, couldn't we?

Ernest: Sir, we did what we had to do 15 years ago, because of the extreme circumstances we faced.  But this?.....This is vigilanteism on the grandest scale.  You want us to give ourselves super powers, so we can fight an entire war on our own?  And if we are successful, then what?

Nym90: The United State government and its citizenry will be enormously grateful to us for defeating their enemy.  And we will be in an excellent position to negotiate.

Ernest: To negotiate a pardon for the crimes we committed as moderators?

Nym90: That will be the least of what we can negotiate.  Having crushed our enemies so thoroughly, we will have demonstrated the superiority of a system of rules based on the Atlas Forum's Terms of Service.  Imagine, Ernest.  With the help of the internet to spread our influence, an entire worldwide system of global governance based on Dave Leip's Terms of Service.  Enforced by my moderators, with myself as Modadmin.

Ernest: This is madness, sir.  You want to remake the world in the image of the Atlas Forum, and set yourself up as ruling despot?  You're descending into cartoonish super-villainy.  Dave never would have wanted us to use our moderation powers in this way.

Nym90: DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT WHAT DAVE WANTS!

Dave named *ME* Modadmin, Ernest.  Not you.  Me!  I'm the one who had to defend his Atlas from trolls for all those years.  I decided who lived, and who died.  My hands were soaked in blood, and where was Dave?  Why did he leave me to my own devices, and never intervene?  Why didn't he answer my PMs?  No, if Dave ever had a problem with how I performed my duties, he could have revoked my Modadmin status at any time.

[pause]

But I'm afraid you'll never understand that, Ernest.

And so I'm going to have to remove you as an Atlas moderator.

[Mr. Morden]

Ernest: You're going to de-mod me?

Nym90: Of course not, Ernest.  You know I can't do that.  Only Dave can.  I have no way to remove your mod powers, as long as you're alive.

[And now we see Tender Branson again, but he's up on the balcony.  He's just gotten out a cello, and he begins to play "The Rains of Castamere": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVOf6HEur5Y ]

Nym90: None of the remaining moderators is likely to challenge me, Ernest.  When you're gone, I'll have a free hand to use my moderation powers as I see fit, in the way that *I* think Dave would have intended.

[Ernest is left speechless....and begins to back away from Nym.]

Nym90: You know Ernest, there are a few things that you've said in this conversation that I consider infractable.

[The D-MI avatar on Nym's shirt begins to glow, and his hands glow red as he lifts them to strike.]

Nym90: You said that I was delivering a "backhanded compliment"....FIVE infraction points for personal attack.

[Red electricity jets out of Nym's hands, striking Ernest square in the chest, and causing him to flinch.]

Nym90: You described my plan as "cartoonish super-villainy".  EIGHT infraction points for personal attack.

[Nym fires more red electricity at Ernest, this time knocking him back a few steps, but he stays on his feet.

Then Ernest manages to advance a few steps.]

Ernest: That's ticky-tack moderation, sir.  I'm going to have to reverse those points.

[Ernest powers himself up, as the I-SC avatar on his shirt begins to glow green.  He motions his right index finger up slightly once, and then twice, and his infraction points are reset to zero.]

Nym90: I'm the Modadmin, Ernest.  You're going to remove infraction points that I've given you?

Ernest: You're going well outside the established norms of moderator behavior, sir.  Forgive me if I do the same.

Nym90: I see.  If that is how you wish to play......then I'm sure I can find other infractable comments you've made over the years.

As I'm sure you're aware, the Update isn't *quite* the only bit of the Atlas forum that we still have access to.  There is also the complete posting history of every moderator, as compiled by Inks several years ago, to be used in court in the event that we were ever charged for the crimes we committed in moderating.

[Nym pulls out a small mobile device, presses a few buttons, and we now see a holographic representation of the entire posting history of all moderators floating between Nym and Ernest.]

Ernest: Yes.  And as you are surely aware, I can use the same file to find infractable posts by you.

Nym90: And since we're dispensing with the standard norms of moderation procedure, I assume that you won't feel compelled to only infract posts of mine within your own jurisdiction?  In US Presidential Election Results, Constitution and Law, and History?

Ernest: No, I don't suppose that I will.

[Tender Branson now starts playing Duel of the Fates on his cello: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZqYrxTEeus

And in fact, you should listen Duel of the Fates while you read the next sequence, to help set the mood.....

Nym and Ernest square off against each other.....Nym's hands glowing red and Ernest's glowing green as they stare each other down.....sort of like Peter and Sylar at the 20 second mark in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPVjtjlG970

The camera zooms in on each of their faces, as they stare each other down, hands glowing, with the holographic representation of their posting histories floating between them.  It looks like they're about to lunge at each other as Tender Branson's playing of Duel of the Fates intensifies, and then......

And then......

Rather than actually engage in a physical confrontation, they both rapidly start scrolling through each other's posting history.  The holographic representation of the posting history is manipulated by their rapid finger movements, sort of like the game "Stratagema" on Star Trek, as seen at the 1:10 mark in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIOEklxc_yY

They scroll through the posting history, looking for posts with the tiniest sliver of justification for being punished with infraction points.  As soon as one of them finds such a post made by the other, he sends a jolt of electricity to his counterpart, indicating the issuing of infraction points.  Each of the two mods has to carefully balance the time spent looking for infractable posts by his adversary, giving them infraction points, and healing themselves from their own infractions.

The flurry of infractions goes back and forth at lightning speed...]

Nym90: 3 points for "lol"ing at an insult to pbrower, Personal Attack....

Ernest: 2 points for posting too many paragraphs of an article about Supreme Court nominations, Copyright Violation....

Nym90: 2 points for seeming to agree with a BRTD post, Trolling....

[The pace of infractions, and reversals of infractions, is so fast that the two seem to be consumed in a swirl of red and green light.  The room itself starts to shake, and this gets the attention of the other moderators, who were in other rooms within the facility, but now most of them run in, joining Tender Branson on the balcony.

Ernest is distracted for a moment by the other moderators, and Nym makes his move, hitting Ernest with a 10 point "Excessive Hyperbole" infraction that manages to knock him onto the ground.  The nearby map table is likewise thrown on its side, on top of Ernest, pinning both of his arms to the ground.  Tender Branson ceases his cello playing.]

Nym90: You're at 45 points, Ernest.  Just five away from mod review.  And you can't lift your arms to remove those points, can you?

[Ernest struggles to free himself, but he's exhausted, and is unable to move.]

Ernest: (his words now dripping with contempt) You don't need to put me on mod review, sir.  You're the Modadmin.  You can ban me whenever you like.  You've just been toying with me, haven't you?

Nym90: (smiling) Just making sure to do everything by the book, in compliance with my mandate as Modadmin.

[Ernest, still trapped, manages to turn his head to the other moderators, who watch from above in stunned silence.]

Ernest: Will none of you put an end to this?  Will none of you stop this madness?  Listen to me!  He's lost his mind.  While he's distracted by me, any one of you could hit him with a 50 point infraction, and he wouldn't have time to react.

[But the other moderators just stare down at both Ernest and Nym, not making a move.]

Ernest: Are all of you cowards?!?  You're going to keep following his orders?  He's going to lead you all straight to Hell!

Nym90: Not "cowards", Ernest.  Just decent enough not to inflict a punishment meant for sock accounts on their Modadmin.  As for you....

[Nym takes another step towards Ernest.]

Nym90: Describing my actions as "madness", saying that I would "lead my moderators to Hell".....FIVE infraction points for excessive hyperbole.

[Red electricity comes out of Nym's hands, and Ernest, still lying on the ground, is engulfed in a translucent red sphere.  He's on moderator review, which means that whatever he says can now only be heard by Nym, and Nym decides whether it's communicated to the outside world or not.]

Ernest: (his voice muffled by mod review) Nym, please!  Think about what you're doing here.  It's just a website for election maps!  You're going to kill me over this?!?  Killing those trolls was one thing, but once you do this to me, you've taken it to another level.  There'll be no going back for you.

[Nym hears him, but the other moderators don't.  He takes another step forward, and stares Ernest down.]

Nym90: It's my birthday, Ernest.  And we're going to have a birthday party.

[More red electricity pours forth from his hands, engulfing the mod review bubble.]

Nym90: Ernest, you have repeatedly violated the Terms of Service with your attacks on the character of the Modadmin.  You are PERMABANNED from the Atlas forum....and this life.

[The mod review bubble collapses in on Ernest, and his body is reduced to dust.

We now focus on Inks, who is watching with the other mods from the balcony.  He stares down at the remains of Ernest in horror, trying to process what he's just seen.

Nym, now weak and bloodied, looks up to his fellow moderators.....]

Nym90: My friends.....I regret to inform you that Ernest has been permabanned, and will no longer be in a position to serve as a moderator.  In his absence, I would like to congratulate my new Deputy Modadmin.....Inks.LWC!

[The moderators clap, to celebrate Inks's promotion, but the camera again zooms in on Inks's face.  He's still looking down on the remains of Ernest, with a blank expression on his face.

As we fade to black, the song playing over the end credits is a reprise of "The Rains of Castamere", this time with lyrics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECewrAld3zw ]


TO BE CONTINUED....

[Mr. Morden]

OK, so that's it for "Season 1".  When I started this, I foresaw maybe 20-25 episodes or so.  But then as I started planning things out in more detail, I realized that the story was too big to fit that length.  It'll be something more like 40 episodes total when it's done.  (Though I can't say the exact number yet for sure.)

This seems like a good place for a break, so I'm calling that Season 1.  I'll come back with more after a bit of a break.  Not sure when exactly Season 2 will start.  It'll be at least a month from now, and more likely won't start until January, after the X-mas / New Year's holidays.  I just need a bit of time to plan things out in more detail.  In Season 2, our heroes finally arrive in Salt Lake City, and all the various plot threads start to merge.  I already know what happens in outline form, but it gets sufficiently complicated that I might have to plan out each individual scene from now until the end before I start writing any actual scripts.  Hence, the break.

[Mr. Morden]

Meh.  I wouldn't be trying to place those powers in the hands of the Federal government.  No, clearly such powers are better reserved to the States.

Can't believe I missed the obvious "True Federalist" joke.  Oh well.  Can't think of everything.

[Mr. Morden]

First, one small stylistic change.  There'll be several cases this season in which we shift around between different scenes within an episode.  For simplicity, I'll now try to summarize the setting for each new scene in italics, before the scene begins.

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 21 (2x01) "It's Not Just the Future I Have to Think About"

[The season begins with a new opening credit sequence.  It plays at the beginning of every episode, but I'll only describe it at the beginning of this, the season premiere.  In subsequent episodes, you can just imagine it on your own.  So here are the opening credits:

The credits play similarly to the "Game of Thrones" opening credits, making use of the same theme song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7L2PVdrb_8

...and zooming in and out of a big map.  But in this case, it's a world map of the Earth, and when we zoom in, we see different red and blue shadings, based on past election results.

So we start with a big map of the USA, and zoom in on Salt Lake City, UT, cycling through all the elections since 1896, the first presidential election in which Utah was a state.  As we zoom close in on the city, you can see the individual precincts, and the colors change between red and blue, depending on which party won each precinct.  Then we zoom back out, and the precincts blur together into a single color for the state.  We next retrace our heroes' journey in Season 1, but in reverse, going through Colorado, Kansas, then Oklahoma.  Always stopping to zoom in and see the individual precinct shadings.

Then we pan across the map to Washington DC, zooming in there, to see all the elections since 1964, when DC was first able to vote in presidential elections.

Then we zoom back out, and pan across the "Narrow Sea" of the Atlantic Ocean, finally reaching Kenya, where we zoom in, and see the various shadings of Kenyan elections, until we finally cut away to the title screen of "The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie".

June 2013, an empty field somewhere in Oklahoma

[We see RickRoll standing in the field, speaking with a young man, who looks like he's in his early 20s.]

RickRoll: What did you say your name was again?

Young Man: PiT.  Or rather, PiT (The Physicist).

RickRoll: And PiT (The Physicist), you want me to do WHAT?

PiT (The Physicist) (sighs) Exactly what we discussed when I first contacted you.  I want you to take this pill (holds it up in his fingers), then walk over that hill (points) on the other end of which you'll find the mobile home belonging to the Bushie family.  You do know Bushie, right?

RickRoll: Yes, as I said before.  I know him from college.

PiT (The Physicist) Right.

RickRoll: But you don't want me to say hello to Bushie?

PiT (The Physicist) No.  He's not even there right now.  He's in Kenya.  His parents are still in town, but you shouldn't say hello to them either.

You should just sit under their oak tree, and go to sleep.  The pill will keep you in hibernation for the next 16 years.

[RickRoll stares at the pill.]

RickRoll: Right, that's the bit I'm worried about.  You said you cooked up this pill based on instructions you got from your boss in the future?

PiT (The Physicist) Well, sort of.  The "Irishman", as we call him--he's not exactly my boss.  I'm just a summer student, working for a physicist named Muon2.  But you could say that the Irishman is sort of our benefactor.  Anyway, neither of them even knows that I'm here, doing this.

RickRoll: Because the future version of this Irishman told you not to say anything to his present version?

PiT (The Physicist) Exactly.  He told me that there was a tornado that ripped through here yesterday, and that it sent a hobo and a talking dog into the future, to the year 2029.  He then told me that this hobo and talking dog were going to need your help in the future, so he gave me instructions for how to make this pill, and told me to arrange for you to use it to hibernate until then, so that you could then wake up in 16 years, and help them out.

He was right about that tornado.  Predicted that, even when the forecasters were doubting, so I'm going to trust him on everything else.

RickRoll: But that doesn't make any sense.  If he has a time machine, then why doesn't he just pick me up, and take me to the future?

PiT (The Physicist) Ah, well yes, I can see why that might be confusing.  That's where my own current research comes in.  You see, it turns out that humans lose much of their memory when they travel through time.  Unless you want your brain to be cooked when you make the trip, you'll have to take the pill, and just hibernate for the next 16 years.

RickRoll: But if you lose your memory when your travel through time, then how could this Irishman remember what he was doing when he traveled back to see you?

PiT (The Physicist) Let's just say he's special.  So how about it?  Are you going to do this or not?

RickRoll: This whole thing is pretty sketchy....reminds me of this time in college, when Bushie mixed up his heart medication with my allergy pills, and....

PiT (The Physicist) Are you going to do it or not?  [Again, holding up the pill to RickRoll.]

[RickRoll then grabs the pill out of PiT's hand, and stares at it again.]

RickRoll: I guess I can't really turn it down.  I've always wanted to travel into space, but technology isn't moving fast enough now.....if I could slow down my ageing to a crawl for 16 years, maybe I could skip ahead in human history a bit, and end up somewhere where space travel for the common man is more realistic......So yes, I'm going to do it.

You say you just want me to help out this hobo and this dog?  That's the bargain?  After that, I'm free to do whatever I want?

PiT (The Physicist) Yes, that's right.

Oh, and I almost forgot.  There's one other thing about the hobo that I should warn you about......

January 2029, the exterior of a burned out, abandoned building on the outskirts of Salt Lake City.  All around the building, we see a series of raging gun battles between US military commandos, local crime gangs, and Mormon militias.

We now switch perspective to the interior of the building, where we see Hog, Blondie, and Twister, huddled together in the basement, bracing themselves as the building occasionally shakes, due to all the explosions from the fighting outside.

Twister: (sarcastically) OK, so we have no idea where in this town we're supposed to find this Irishman fellow?  Because I think we've searched this basement pretty thoroughly.  Which of you wants to volunteer to go out and check the yard?

Blondie: Sorry, but I'm just a dog.  I wouldn't know how to handle myself in a war, or whatever it is they're doing out there.  I'd probably just dig a hole and hide.....might as well do that in here.

(to Twister) So you don't think the Moderate Heroes are coming back for us?

[Mr. Morden]

Twister: Nope, not a chance.  You've seen how they are.  They'll only meet you halfway on something, and it was a trick just to get them to take us this far.

Hog: Never mind them, what about Bushie?  He's supposed to be guiding us here, and what does he do?  Have us come to this city to look for this time machine, not telling us where to look when we get here.....and he's gone missing.  He hasn't appeared to us since this morning.  Where is he now?  He's left us here to die!

I haven't abandoned you Hog.

[Holo-Bushie has appeared, and the trio react to his appearance.]

Hog: Bushie?  Where the frak have you been?  You abandoned us again, and we were kidnapped by trolls.

I'm sorry about that Hog.  But it looks like the Lord was looking out for you, as you managed to escape in the end.

Hog: So you're not even going to try to make up an excuse this time?  Where have you been?  You said you were going to "worship service", but how long ago was that?  10 hours ago?

I'm sorry Hog, but there were some big football games on today, and I'm allowed to have my own life, aren't I?  You're from the South too, so you should know how important football is.  There's nothing wrong with spending much of the day watching football.  Maybe it's not what everybody else does.  But it's what I do.  And there's nothing wrong with it.

Blondie: OK, fine Bushie.  It's just that you're supposed to be guiding us to this Irishman person, so that we can get home.  If you don't check in on us all day when we're in hostile territory, bad things will happen.

I'm done with this.  You don't have to be so harsh.  Just let me live my own life.  I'm not going to answer any more questions about this.

Blondie: All right, well then, before we go on, maybe we should introduce you to Twister here.

Ah yes, nice to meet you Mr. Twister.

[Blondie pauses in thought for a second as Bushie offers his greeting.]

Blondie: Actually.....wait a minute.  Twister, you can see him?

Twister: Yep.  Sure can.  Hello Bushie.

Blondie: Bushie, I thought you said that only Hog plus children under 5 plus animals plus people who went to college with you could see you in this holographic form.  What gives?

Well.....yes, I think I did say that, didn't I?  Ummmm.....hmmmm...are you sure you didn't go to college with me, Mr. Twister?

Twister: I may have been a "professor" at a number of institutions, but I'm fairly certain I would remember you, Bushie.

Well....I don't know then....maybe something wrong with my hologram.  But can we move on, please?  This is my thread.....er.....my conversation.  I'd like to talk about things that *I'm* interested in.  Like how to get you to the Irishman, so you can use his time machine.

I'm fairly certain that if you make your way to the Xerox headquarters in the city, you'll be able to get the information you need on reaching the Irishman.

Twister: Bushie, you're like Barack Obama, starting to pack up his belongings in the White House before the 2012 election, just in case he loses, and has to move out.

What?

Twister: You're planning for things that may never happen.  There's a war out there or something.  What's happening in this city?

Ah, good question Aizen.

[Twister shoots Bushie a suspicious look.]

It's the US military attacking the local militias.  (angrily) I told Naso to give me 48 hours, but he....(Bushie trails off, realizing that he's said something that he shouldn't)

Twister: Bushie, what are you on about?  You know why these troops are here today, attacking the militias in the city, but you won't say?  You made up some pathetic story about who can see your hologram, but got called out on it?  You called me Aizen, even though I was introduced to you as Twister?

And then......you said that there were important football games on today.  But you're supposed to be talking to us from August 2035.  What important games are on in August?

No, I don't think you're even telling the truth about projecting yourself from the future.  You're talking to us from *today*, January 21, 2029, aren't you?  Today's the NFL conference championship games, and those are the games you were watching, weren't they?

[holo-Bushie is clearly flustered, and now finally erupts in anger:]

I was talking, and........this is my thread!  MY STORY!  WHY ARE YOU TAKING OVER MY UPDATE BY POINTING OUT INCONSISTENCIES?!?

[holo-Bushie now looks over to Hog and Blondie, who are now staring at him in disbelief.]

I um.....I'm sorry.  I really do feel guilty about this.

[holo-Bushie's face seems to change again now, as if he's taking off a mask and revealing his true colors.]

I know I changed my story, but if you're going to be like that, then we'll have to do this the hard way.

[holo-Bushie turns around, looking towards the entrance to the basement.  Two robots, not unlike those we saw in Episode 20, come down the stairs, and enter the room.  They are both armed.]

Blondie, Hog, Twister....meet my two robot companions, nkpatel1279 and pbrower2a.  They'll be escorting you to the Xerox building whether you like it or not.

TO BE CONTINUED....

[Mr. Morden]

I'd think t_host1 would be a better choice for a robot companion than pbrower2a,

I haven't read much of t_host1, so I wouldn't be able to replicate his posting style.  And pbrower's weird posting style involves coming up with crazy maps, which I think I'll incorporate later.

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 22 (2x02) "He's Not Getting To Me, So I'm Fine With It"

July 2008, Mitt Romney's mansion in Boston, MA

[It's night time, and Mitt and Ann Romney are in bed.  Ann is trying to get to sleep, but Mitt is wide awake, staring up at the ceiling.]

Ann Romney: Willard, what's wrong?  You look distracted.  You have that big interview with Sen. McCain tomorrow, which could get you on his final running mate short list.  Shouldn't you be getting some sleep?

Mitt Romney: Gosh Ann, you're right.  You're as right as the indefinite detention of terrorist suspects at Guantanamo Bay, or the definition of marriage as the union of one man and one woman.

But I can't sleep.  Not after Winfield showed me what the internet was saying about me today.

[Ann now looks concerned.]

Ann Romney: What are people saying?

Mitt Romney: Well, Winfield didn't want me to see it, but I happened to look over his shoulder, when he was at the computer, browsing this online forum that he frequents, "US Election Atlas".  It's run by a local boy here in the commonwealth of Massachusetts, Mr. David Leip.

Anyway, I saw what was on Winfield's screen.  It was a discussion thread that one of the regulars on that forum started, titled "Aizen's unbiased analysis of Mitt Romney".

Ann Romney: I see.  And what was this "unbiased analysis"?

Mitt Romney: (tears welling up in his eyes) The author of that discussion thread said......

That is, he *wrote* the word "bad" 541 times.  And then he wrote "LOL".  And then "bad" again, another 134 times.

Ann Romney: L-O-L?

Mitt Romney: That's what the kids today are saying in their "instant messagings" and "you tubes".  Winfield tried to spare my feelings when I questioned him about it, but I looked it up later.  "L-O-L" stands for "laugh out loud".  The author of that thread was laughing out loud at me, after having written "bad" 541 times?  Do you realize how much he must hate me in order to type that out so many times?

Darn it all, Ann.  Darn it all to heck.  I just cannot fathom how I could inspire so much vitriol in people.  It's kind of a non sequitur, if you will, and what I mean by that -- or a null set.

Ann Romney: (sympathetically) Willard, you don't know who this person is, do you?  It's just one man's opinion.

Mitt Romney: Gosh, Ann.  I understand that.  But this fellow was from Colorado, a critical swing state.  Not only that, but his "avatar" was red, which as we both know is a color that has represented the Republican Party in the popular press since at least the 2000 election.  I can't imagine that Mr. Leip allows just anyone to voice his opinions on that fantastic website of his.  So I can only conclude that this fellow is a fairly representative Republican from the great state of Colorado.

Ann Romney: I'm sorry Willard.  I really am sorry.  What did you say this young man's name was again?

[We now have a close up on Mitt Romney's face.]

Mitt Romney: His name is Aizen.

January 2029, the interior of the Salt Lake City building at which the previous episode ended

[Bushie has just threatened Blondie, Hog, and Twister with the two robots who just entered the room.  The first of the two robots, nkpatel1279, introduces himself:]

nkpatel1279: During the 2010 Senate election cycle. the vulnerable DEM seats were
AR-Lincoln, CA-Boxer, CO-Bennet, CT-OPEN,DE-OPEN-before O'Donnell,IL-OPEN,IN-OPEN,NV-Reid,ND-OPEN,PA-Specter/Sestak,WA-Murray,WV-OPEN,and WI-Feingold.
ND and IN were Solid Republican takeovers the moment DEM incumbents Dorgan-ND and Bayh-IN announced their retirements. Lincoln-AR was guarenteed to lose the moment Boozman-R announced his challenge.  Democrats became less vulnerable in CT-when Dodd retired, Blumenthal became the nominee, McMahon-R was the GOP nominee. and DE-when O'Donnell won the GOP nomination. WV-Manchin-D was popular and Raese was gaffe prone.
The open DEM seats in IL and PA which pitted generic DEM vs generic REP. was basically a tossup. In IL the DEM nominee was damaged goods and in PA it was the national environment.

[Then it's pbrower's turn:]

pbrower2a: In a 2008 US presidential election scenario in which Giuliani is the Republican nominee, but a conservative third party candidate runs as well, you end up with:

Obama     411
Giuliani       66
Third Party candidate    71

Third Party, essentially conservative with a Southern base. Obama wins everything that he won in real life + MO, MT, AZ, WV,  NE-01 and MS.

The conservative vote splits enough to allow Obama to win West Virginia; conservatives split the white vote in most of the South but only enough to allow Obama to win Mississippi in a 38-32-30 split. Texas gets a similar split for Giuliani, where George Bush actively campaigns for him. That's the elder George H.W. Bush, of course. Georgia barely goes to the Southern conservative in a similar split.

Blondie: What is this about Bushie?  I don't understand.

(now sounding even more serious than he was before, his face emotionless) I meant just what I said.  These two fine robots will escort you to the Xerox building.....by force if necessary.

Hog: (to Bushie) Why you vile piece of.......you've been lying to us all along.  About everything!

No, no.  Not at all.  Most of what I've told you is true.  The Irishman does exist.  And he does have a time machine.  And you are going to help my employer find him....what are you doing?

[Hog hurls a rock at Bushie, but of course it passes right through him since he's a hologram.

Nonetheless, nkpatel reacts, by approaching Hog, now aiming his weapon]

nkpatel1279: Going into 2010, Dan Hynes was challenging Pat Quinn in the Illinois gubernatorial primary.  The only time Hynes faced a tough primary was the 2004 IL US Senate Race when he made a poor 2nd place showing against Barack Obama. Quinn has a mixed record of winning and losing primaries. He first ran for Statewide elected office in 1986- Treasurer challenging a current and former State Treasurer in the primary- He finished a close 3rd place finish. He narrowly won the 1990 IL State Treasurer's position in both the primary and general election by a 56-44 percent margin. In 1994- Quinn gave up the Treasurer's position to run for Secretary of State against George Ryan- in a pro Republican Year and Jim Edgar being on top of the ticket. Quinn lost by a landslide margin. Quinn made a comeback in 1996 for US Senate-lost in primary to Dick Durbin by a landslide. He narrowly lost in the primary for Lt Governor in 1998. He ran for Lt Governor again in 2002- won a three way primary with 42% of the popular vote. The Blagojevich-Quinn ticket won the Governorship in 2002 and re-elected in 2006. Quinn became Governor in 2009 after Blago's impeachment and removal. Had Lisa Madigan ran- she would have defeated Quinn in ther primary--

[And then, as nkpatel continues to ramble on, a large explosion rocks the entire building, and debris falls down from the ceiling, some of which hits Hog and renders him unconscious......]

Winfield's bunker, interior hallway

[Hog is on the edge of consciousness.  He's walking through this unfamiliar hallway, except.....no, not walking exactly.  He realizes that he's essentially being dragged through the hallway by the two robots he encountered in the basement.

Oddly enough, he can see a young kid in his peripheral vision....it's Yougo1000, who he recognizes from the warehouse in Arkansas City (Episode 12).]

Yougo1000: 1983 Time travel is invented.

2013 Hog and Blondie go forward in time to 2029.

2029 Hog helps Winfield find the time machine, and Winfield uses it to make Mitt Romney president of the United States.

[Finally, the robots take Hog to some kind of jail cell, open the door, and toss him in.

holding cell in Winfield's bunker, interior

Hog lies on the floor in pain, but looks up and sees that the cell is actually rather spacious.....and includes a large table with several maps sprawled over it.  A bearded man with pale skin who appears to be in his 50s sits at the table looking over the maps, but gets up when he sees Hog.  He walks over to Hog, to help him to his feet.]

Man: Do I know you sir?  You look familiar.

Hog: Not as far as I know.

Man: Well, forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn here, but you don't look well.

Hog: No, I guess I wouldn't look well.  Not after being betrayed by Bushie.  Maybe if I'd been more successful in attacking him back in 2013, he wouldn't be alive today, and....

Man: Ah, User Number 1387, yes, he comes to visit me from time to time.  Never had any problem with him myself.

[Hog looks around, absorbing his surroundings.  Still clutching his injured right shoulder with his left hand, as he sits down.]

Hog: I don't know what happend to my friends.  A man and a dog.  They were with me when we got attacked....but there was some kind of explosion and I lost consciousness.

Where am I?  What is this place?

Man: Fredward's Salt Lake City bunker.  Or at least, it used to be Fredward's bunker, but he's been gone for a long time.  Probably dead.  I don't know, as I've been in captivity here for some time, and don't know everything that's going on in the outside world.  User Number 287 (aka "Winfield")....he's the one running this facility now.

Hog: And who are you?

Man: Oh, my apologies.  I meant to introduce myself.  I am the Atlas administrator, Dave Leip.

Thanks,
Dave


TO BE CONTINUED....

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 23 (2x03)  "I'm Tired Of Feeling Pathetic"

Summer 1995, Mitt Romney's mansion in Boston, MA

[A teenage Winfield is arguing with his mother in the kitchen, as she attempts to cook dinner.]

Winfield: But mother, these summer school classes do nothing to offer intellectual stimulation, nor do they provide me with any depth of knowledge in the subjects in which I am most interested.

For example, I have been attending this history course for weeks, and we have yet to spend one day discussing the public offices held by presidential and vice presidential candidates.

In addition, I regret to inform you Mother that in the days since the passing of the late Governor Romney of Michigan, my classmates have been teasing me about my association with the Romney family.  They claim that the late governor was bad for racial minorities, simply because he was a Republican!

Mother Winfield: Now listen to me, Winfield.  You'll just have to stand up to those bullies.  You need to educate them about their civil rights history.  You must never forget that it was a Republican who freed the slaves!

Winfield: But mother--

Mother Winfield: I don't want to hear it, my son.  You know how to argue with those people.  Just engage them in the same fashion that you do so on Usenet, or whatever other online medium is in use here in the year 1995.  You know, use creative adjectives, break things up into short paragraphs, with a good deal of bolding, capitalization, and underlining.

If those hoodlums try to disparage Gov. Romney's civil rights record, well.....you just remind them that Gov. Romney marched with the late Dr. Martin Luther King.  Master Romney saw it with his own eyes!

Winfield: (changing the subject now) Mother, what will become of us?

Mother Winfield: What do you mean, dear?

Winfield: You saw how Master Romney reacted when he received news of his father's passing.  He was no longer the same man.

I find that I can barely contemplate a world in which Master Romney does not stand above the Earth like a towering colossus, the master of all that he surveys.

But now......he lost the election to Sen. Kennedy in November, and now his father dies, leaving him a shell of his former self?  How can our lives have meaning from this point onwards?

[Mother Winfield is about to say something in response, but they both hear a car pulling into one of the many driveways on the Romney estate.]

Mother Winfield: What do you know?  That must be them coming right now...your father and Master Romney, returning from the funeral in Detroit.

January 2029, Winfield's bunker, interior holding cell

[Dave Leip has just introduced himself to Hog, as the Atlas administrator.]

Hog: The Atlas administrator?  So you ran that website that Update was posted on?

Dave: Ah, so you're familiar with Update?  Yes, I was the administrator of that website, though I left the day to day maintenance of the forums to the moderation staff.  I was not even aware of this "Update" until User Number 1387 informed me of it.

Thanks,
Dave

Hog: User Number 1387?

Dave: My apologies.  I am referring to BushOklahoma or "Bushie", as you referred to him.  As I said, he comes to visit me in this cell, from time to time.  I know him as User Number 1387, because that was his designation on the Atlas forum.

Thanks,
Dave

Hog: Well, either way, he betrayed me.  And by the way, if you are the administrator of Atlas, I guess I met some of your former moderators yesterday in Oklahoma.

[Dave hangs his head in shame.]

Dave: It is a great tragedy.  I entrusted User Number 11 (that is, Nym) with the forum, but.....as I understand it, he abused his power greatly from 2014 onwards, in response to the troll invasion.  I'm afraid I was unable to do anything to stop him, as I was held hostage by User Number 287 (Winfield).  User Number 11 and the other mods kept PMing me for assistance--and to his credit, User Number 287 did deliver to me every PM that was sent to my Inbox while in captivity here--but I was not allowed to respond.

Thanks,
Dave

Hog: So who is this Winfield then?

Dave: He was working with Fredward at first, but as I said, I haven't seen Fredward in years, so I think User Number 287 is now running the Islamist insurgency himself.

Thanks,
Dave

Hog: So Winfield is a bigtime Islamist then?

Dave: Oh no, no, not at all.  He's not even a Muslim.  You see--

[And at that moment, an nkpatel1279 unit approaches the cell door and opens it, announcing.....

nkpatel1279: [to Hog] You will be escorted to the infirmary to receive medical attention.

[The cell is open, nkpatel1279 grabs Hog by his right arm, which causes him to wince in pain.  But nkpatel1279 leads him out of the cell, closing and locking it behind him, to leave Dave alone once again, with his maps.  nkpatel marches Hog down the hallway.]

nkpatel1279: Also.....
During the 2000 election 3 1994 Class Republican US Senators lost re-election.
Abraham-MI who lost to Stabenow(D)-a generic DEM challenger due to Gore coattails.
Grams-MN- an accidental rightwing conservative from DEM leaning swing state- Lost to Dayton.
Ashcroft-MO- lost to the recently deceased popular Governor Mel Carnahan.......

outskirts of Salt Lake City, exterior cityscape

[We see much of the city in ruins, as it's largely been destroyed in battle.  We focus on one building in particular, as a few of Winfield's robots are entering from the street......

.....and then we pan back to a pile of rubble, about 100 yards away.  Blondie peers through the rubble, staring at the building that the robots just entered, but trying to hide from the view of anyone who might be watching from that building.

Blondie was separated from the others earlier, when the ceiling collapsed in that basement of the building where they were confronted by holo-Bushie and the robots.  He didn't see what happened to Twister, but when the dust cleared, he was able to chase down nkpatel1279 and pbrower2a, who were carrying Hog's unconscious body across town to this location.  Blondie stayed far enough behind them that he didn't think they saw him, but he did see *them* enter this building that was now before him.  What was he going to do?  Try to rescue Hog on his own?

Blondie was lost in his thoughts, when he heard a sound behind him.  Sounded like there was some rubble shifting around, so he turned his head to take a look, and he saw.....

.....a man in a ski mask, who held a rag in front of his face, which he shoved into Blondie's face.  Blondie noticed that the rag smelled terrible, and it caused him to lose consciousness......]


TO BE CONTINUED....

[Mr. Morden]

When does Russ Powers make an appearance?

No promises on that one.  I'll have to think about it.  The timeline here obviously diverges from real life in the summer of 2013, when there's the SCOTUS ruling on gay marriage, so Bushie doesn't stick around in the USA to go through the CAD class.

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 24 (2x04) "I Got An Unexpected Surprise"

Summer 1983, Mitt Romney's mansion in Boston, MA

[Winfield, as a toddler, is coloring in his coloring book of maps.  He's in one of the first floor rooms of the Romney estate, working on said coloring, as a caged dog in the corner of the room looks on.  His mother enters the room, and starts picking up Winfield's US president flashcards, which he's left sprawled all over the floor.  She scolds young Winfield:]

Mother Winfield: Winfield!  You know better than to leave all your toys out on the floor here!  Your father and Master Romney do business in here all the time.  They won't appreciate your untidiness.

Winfield: My apologies mother.  But I believe that in a contest of contributions to the entropy of this humble abode, I am not the worst offender here.

Mother Winfield: Yes, I know that the Romney children are messy as well, but we're just servants here, Winfield.  You should just be grateful that Master Romney lets you live here with his family.

[Winfield now looks at the dog locked in the cage in the corner of the room.]

Winfield: Mother, I have greatly enjoyed playing with Seamus in the past.  Good dog, loyal, refuses to be intimidated, knows many tricks.

Why is he no longer allowed to come out of his cage?  Please discuss.

Mother Winfield: Oh, Winfield.  You know the answer to that.  Seamus has reacted badly to the experimental drugs he's been getting.  That's why the Romneys are taking him along with them on their family trip to Canada next week.  There's a special vet there who'll be able to check him out.

[This answer seems to satisfy Winfield....his mother leaves the room, and he goes back to coloring his maps.  We then pan over to the dog, Seamus, in the cage in the corner of the room, who stares at Winfield intently.

We continue on Seamus, as we hear Mitt Romney and another man enter the room, locked in serious conversation.  They barely seem to even notice either Seamus or Winfield, as they continue to talk amongst themselves.  We pan over to Winfield, who continues to color his maps, and pays no attention to Romney or the other man.  Romney drops a binder on the coffee table, and he and the other man then leave the room.

And then.....Seamus speaks:]

Seamus: (whispering, so no one can hear him in the other room) Winfield?

[Winfield turns to face the dog, looking nervous.]

Seamus: Yes, Winfield, I can speak.  I'm a dog, yet I can speak.  I know you heard me the other day as well.

[Winfield just stares at Seamus, nervously, not understanding what's going on.]

Seamus: You're not going to tell anyone else I can speak, are you?  It's just our secret, isn't it?  In any case, they wouldn't believe you if you told them.

[Winfield continues to stare back at him, still in shock over the fact that a dog is talking to him.]

Seamus: OK then, here's what I want you to do.  Pick up that binder, and bring it to me here in this cage, so I can skim through it quickly, before anyone else enters this room.

[Winfield stares at the binder that Mitt Romney just dropped onto the coffee table minutes ago.]

Seamus: You heard me.  Pick it up, and bring it to me.

[Winfield picks the binder up hesitantly, then slowly marches it over to Seamus's cage, before sliding it through the bars to reach him inside.  Remarkably, Seamus, despite being a dog, is able to thumb through it quickly, and reads through the contents of the binder.  He appears to be taken aback by what he sees.  And then we transitions to....]

January 2029, Winfield's bunker, infirmary

[Hog is sitting up on a table, as a medical droid works on his arm.  Winfield (that is, the adult Winfield, now ~46 years older than the toddler version we saw in the last scene) enters the room.]

Winfield: Mr. Hog!  My congratulations to you on managing to travel through time to join me here today.  Allow me to introduce myself.  My name is Winfield, custodian of this esteemed facility.  I must apologize for the untidiness of this facility, but the custodial staff here are largely devout Mormons, and it's Sunday.  Only Bushie and the robots are asked to work here on weekends.

Hog: So you're the one in charge here, huh?  Why did you bring me here, and what have you done with my friends?

Winfield: What have I done to your friends?

Well, isn't it masterful to see that you hold me in such esteem?  That you assign responsibility for your friends' welfare to me?

No, no, I am truly unworthy of this high regard you hold me in.

You are too kind.

Though it is gratifying to know that I am so beloved by you---

Hog: Cut the crap.  I was with this guy named Twister, and my dog Blondie, when we were ambushed by your robots.  Where are they now?

Winfield: I'm afraid I do not have that information.  My loyal robots have informed me that the roof collapsed on them, and when they dug their way out, they found you, and only you, unconscious in the rubble.

But forget about your friends, Mr. Hog.  I do regret the crude means by which we were compelled to apprehend you, but I think you will find my offer to be quite generous.

Hog: Your offer?

Winfield: Indeed.

You see, Mr. Hog, in my estimation you have two problems.

First, you are trapped in what is 16 years in the future, from your perspective.

Second, you have lost your memory, and don't know who you are.

[And we flash back to a scene from the very first episode...]

Hobo: I don't actually know my real name.  I have amnesia.  That is, everything before about 2008 is kind of a fog.  Tried to find out who I was, but I lost the will to keep looking for clues, became destitute, and found release in the orgies I participate in.  Anyway, the only name I know is the one I've taken on for myself, Hog.

[Mr. Morden]

[And the flashback ends, as we're back in the infirmary with Hog and Winfield.]

Winfield: I believe that with your help, we can rectify both problems.

Hog: What?!?  You can help me remember who I am?

Winfield: Perhaps.

I believe we may know something of your identity.  You see, you were once an employee of Xerox here in Salt Lake City.  As it happens, we've been looking for just such a former employee of Xerox.  At the regional Xerox building in Salt Lake, we have discovered a coded map, which will take us to a secret underground lab, somewhere in this metropolitan area.  Unfortunately, we require simultaneous retinal eye scans from two different current or former Xerox employees to unlock the map.  I have had former Xerox employee Mr. Bushie on the payroll for some time, but we need a second Xerox employee to get that map.  We need you.

Hog: And let's say that I believe you.  Let's pretend that I did used to work for Xerox, and I help you unlock this map.  Just what will you find in this super secret underground lab?

Winfield: A time machine.  Or what I hope is a time machine.

If it is, then it can both send you back to your own time, and it also set the timeline right, so that we elect as president of these United States the greatest political talent of either the 20th or 21st Century.

Governor for the Bay State

President for America

Mitt Romney, the right choice.

Hog: O....K.....

Bushie told us that a crime boss named "The Irishman" had a time machine.  Is that what you're talking about?

Winfield: A half truth, of sorts.  The Irishman may not be a conventional sort of criminal.  But he is guilty of some of the greatest crimes against the Romney family that one can imagine.

Hog: I'm sorry Winfield, but nothing you say makes sense.  Can you just talk straight for once, and explain everything from the beginning?

[Winfield sighs.]

Winfield: Very well.  I will explain the entire story, which stretches back more than 40 years.....

Secret underground Xerox lab, interior

[Blondie, having been left unconscious, awakens as he's placed down on a rug, inside a nondescript room within the lab.  As he awakes, he sees his captor again, the ski-masked assailant who abducted him at the end of the previous episode.]

Blondie: OK, OK.  I guess I should know the drill by now.  This is after all the third time I've been taken prisoner in the last two days.

[The ski-masked assailant removes his mask, and reveals himself to be PiT (The Physicist), looking 16 years older than the version we saw in Episode 21.]

PiT (The Physicist) I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to abduct you like that, but I can't afford to be seen outside, or Winfield's robots might spot me.  Too dangerous to try to explain everything to you out there, so I had to knock you out and bring you here.  (pause) Do you want anything to eat?  You must be starving, and there's plenty of dog food here.

[PiT goes to serve Blondie some dog food.]

Blondie: I'm sorry, who are you?  What did you want to explain to me, and who is Winfield?

PiT (The Physicist) I'm PiT (The Physicist).  I was a summer student for a physicist at Fermilab named Muon2, way back in the year 2013.  But we've been in hiding from Winfield ever since then, because he's after Muon's time machine.

Blondie: Time machine?  Bushie told us that some gangster named "The Irishman" here in Salt Lake City had a time machine.  Is this the same one?

PiT (The Physicist) Gangster?  Hardly.  But "the Irishman" as you know him is our benefactor.

[PiT places the bowl of dog food in front of Blondie, who begins to devour it.]

PiT (The Physicist) Sorry for the mess here.  We have some cleaners who occasionally come in, but they're Mormons, and it's Sunday, so they haven't been in today.

[At that, we hear footsteps, as someone is entering from the adjacent room......

But it's not just one "someone".  It's a ~70 year old man, and a dog.  A dog who was surely the oldest dog that Blondie had ever seen.  He even had reading glasses and what looked like a white beard.  Do dogs have beards?  Blondie didn't know, since he was only a puppy, and didn't really know how the world worked.

No, this dog was.....

this dog was......

And then it hit Blondie.  The dog before him was in fact the Irishman.  The "Irishman" was an Irish Setter.

Irish Setter: Hello....Blondie, is it?  I see you've met PiT.  And this (points to the 70 year old man) is my associate, Muon2.  And I am--

Blondie: The Irishman.  You're the Irishman, aren't you?

Irish Setter: I have been known to go by that name for many years now, yes.  But you may also have heard of me by the name that I was originally given......Seamus Romney.


TO BE CONTINUED….